Venting I act like I'm okay with dying but it actually terrifies me.

[Afterglow]

Something I can't really put into words well is how I think dying is my best choice, but I'm genuinely horrified of it.

It's talked about sometimes, I know other people are like this too. I think killing myself is genuinely my best option, but at the same time it's just... difficult. I don't know why my best option in life has to be ending it myself.

I have witnessed the deaths of 2 of my close friends, I don't know how they managed to get the willpower needed to take their own life. I think about it constantly, I'm rarely happy anymore, my body doesn't even produce dopamine for things like fucking GAMBLING anymore.

I don't want to die. But I don't want to suffer through daily life. It's just a back and forth internal disagreement. I still can experience joy sometimes, like with friends and watching movies and shows with them.

I just wish I could have my life change, move out of this hell-hole of a house that is the source of most of my depression, find love, safety, a job I don't hate. It all will take years and years to accomplish, but why put myself through years more of torment for just a chance of it getting better?

It is just so disheartening.

Side tangent because my brain is everywhere tonight. The parents of one of my friends who died ended up blaming me for her death and called me an awful friend because I was the one she was talking to as she took the SN. But it's also like... what the fuck was I supposed to do? I didn't even know what fucking city she lived in, how was I supposed to do something? I couldn't do anything but keep her company and tell her how much she means to me, and how happy I was that I met her. Keeping her comfortable and treating her like a person (instead of a mentally ill problem like a lot of awful people would) was all I could do. Justifying that you believe in full bodily autonomy to other people can be exhausting. Every human has a right to do whatever they fucking want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Me and her had a suicide pact but she just couldn't take it any longer. I miss her, and I hope I'm not disappointing her by being alive this long. God, it's been almost a year since she left.

I just feel stuck I guess, and I need a place to rant about it for a minute.

I also want to thank you lovely people on this site for being supportive, comforting, and kind. Even the things that some people don't think about, like small replies to a post, make a difference. It makes people feel acknowledged. It is genuinely refreshing to see this level of community and care in this current age of online anonymity, as it's easy to forget that people can still be like this.

I am glad I have gotten to interact with and even personally befriend some of you. It's a site with a dark topic, but a warm and accepting community. Thank you all.

Good night/morning/afternoon!

 

[Lazuli]

Sorry it happened to you.
Some grieving people tend to seek a scapegoat to pin the blame on.
This site itself is a blatant example.

 

[AnxiousLife]

I'm sending you a hug, as I know making someone feel aknowledged may help a little :) Also I have it similar with the dopamine, it's so difficult to be in a state where there's almost no happiness

 

[TorturedMike888]

I completely understand the feeling. I'm trying to set up an inert gas cbt and the idea that after a few breaths, I'd be unconscious is sobering. Because once my head is in the exit bag and the gas is turned on, it's over. There's no going back. It's either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest relief. And I can't really tell which one it's going to be until it's over. I don't really want to die either, but I know that my life is going to keep getting worse. So it's probably the only mercy I could try to grant myself.

 

[medinjured521]

I completely understand the feeling. I'm trying to set up an inert gas cbt and the idea that after a few breaths, I'd be unconscious is sobering. Because once my head is in the exit bag and the gas is turned on, it's over. There's no going back. It's either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest relief. And I can't really tell which one it's going to be until it's over. I don't really want to die either, but I know that my life is going to keep getting worse. So it's probably the only mercy I could try to grant myself.

Can't be a mistake once you leave your corporeal body as nothing matters at that point.

 

[TorturedMike888]

Can't be a mistake once you leave your corporeal body as nothing matters at that point.

If we still have consciousness after death, we could very well view it as a mistake. If it's just lights out, then it wouldn't really matter either way.

 

[medinjured521]

If we still have consciousness after death, we could very well view it as a mistake. If it's just lights out, then it wouldn't really matter either way.

All I know is there won't be a hell, and if consciousness after death exists, it's probably pretty awesome and exciting. I'm suffering and there's no hope left on this earth so whatever comes after this couldn't possibly be worse.

 

[Fog is a wall]

For reasons, I have to stay alive. But sometimes... The chants in my brain get too loud and I worry too, is this really all I am? It's disheartening but the chants are true only when they exist, I believe. But they are only as true as the voice that is trying to take over but isn't the majority yet. When it does engulf all of me, I know it will be time. But the fact that you are terrified of death means something. It's you giving yourself time to know that there is a way out. Most of the time, suicide becomes a valid option when it's the only option you know? As long as you're terrified of it, there's a way out. Try to live those ways a bit... See if things work. That's what I am doing. Much love <3

 

[SASU-KE]

As it should. It should scare you. Life is intrinsically beautiful. As a phenomenon at least. This is the only planet that supports life and we have no evidence of anything else. Once we die, that's it. We're not coming back and there is no highly intelligent super entity in the sky waiting to welcome us into their home.

Once we die, that's it. So it's better to only attempt when we are absolutely certain or there is no way that we could ever get better.

I'm not saying don't die, but don't die easy.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I can relate. For a long time- since childhood really, I've felt like I was comfortable with dying. But then- I wonder if I actually will be- when the time comes. SI is bound to trick me into feeling afraid but then- I expect I will be generally. It's all the unknown elements to it.

It's sad to hear that the parents of your deceased friend were angry towards you too. In an ideal world- of course- it would be great if we could all be talked down from suicide and immediately turn our lives around. I wonder how realistic that even is though. I imagine the majority of people here wouldn't even appreciate being talked away from it. Especially if we have been struggling for a long period.

From the relative's points of view- of course they are sad, hurt and mourning. Of course they wish there had been a different outcome. But then- I do wonder what they realistically hoped would happen? That their loved one would have been talked out of it and, somehow gotten better but- how? Was it really the case that they hadn't already tried to improve matters? Why would this time be different?

I suppose I'm disturbed by the feeling that I wonder if our loved ones even care if we are still struggling and depressed. So long as we are still alive. Also- would they prefer the idea that their loved one died entirely alone? Isn't it any comfort at all that they had someone with them at the end? And- would they not have done it- without that person? I imagine they still would have suicided. Only- totally alone and afraid.

I suppose it depends on how much we respect a person's sovereinty too. It's maybe one thing if we truly believe that a person is mentally incompetent and can't/ shouldn't be able to make decisions for themselves. But- that's quite a harsh thing to insist- I believe. That a person is too far gone to be able to reason and come to their own decisions.

Not that I'll be alive to see it but, I would be annoyed if people just attributed my suicide to being mentally ill/ disturbed or incompetent. It's such a lazy cop out.

 

[Dovahki11n]

dying is my best choice, but I'm genuinely horrified of it.

I can relate to this, I also feel terrified of killing myself but I want to kill myself. My life hasn't reached rock bottom yet, but I know it will soon enough and when I have no option left I will simply just kill myself and be done with it.

 

[BlackDoor]

I can relate to this too. I know, I can pursue more studies, apply for different jobs, try harder, make new friends etc., but somehow I question if those are things I even want. I too have lost people very close to me, and I feel like I am the last one left. The one left behind. The people around me now don't understand, and the people in my future... I kind of feel like I used up all my luck on the two I did manage to find I'm not overly optimistic. But they're gone.

I am living a kind of duality at the moment, on the one hand, I go to work, I flirt with the idea of looking for something new, maybe I will fit somewhere else... And on the other hand, I'm so over it all, I make plans and research methods for the day I just can't take it anymore and decide I'm just... Done.

 

[sleazyyyy]

Thank you for sharing how you felt and I feel it so deeply. Because of what you wrote, I was also able to mull about it to myself too.

I just wish I could have my life change, move out of this hell-hole of a house that is the source of most of my depression, find love, safety, a job I don't hate. It all will take years and years to accomplish, but why put myself through years more of torment for just a chance of it getting better?

It is just so disheartening.

This is what I relate to the most. Years seem so unreliable and unbearable when every single day, every single second and hour feels like hell. I frequently think that me trapped in a room alone isn't necessarily the permanent version of me. I know that things will change but it's a drag and change will happen only if I try. Trying sounds like climbing a mountain with broken legs LOL. I genuinely relate with how you feel. And how fair is it that we can't even do anything with what we feel but bear with it?

What gives me solace though is knowing that one day, at this very time I'm writing this, I'll have finally get through the fright and horror and just go along with death. I'll have the courage to do what I've dreamt of and all that's left is the mess I probably won't be around to clean.