Afterglow
chronically online loser (good at geoguessr tho)
- Feb 22, 2025
- 383
Something I can't really put into words well is how I think dying is my best choice, but I'm genuinely horrified of it.
It's talked about sometimes, I know other people are like this too. I think killing myself is genuinely my best option, but at the same time it's just... difficult. I don't know why my best option in life has to be ending it myself.
I have witnessed the deaths of 2 of my close friends, I don't know how they managed to get the willpower needed to take their own life. I think about it constantly, I'm rarely happy anymore, my body doesn't even produce dopamine for things like fucking GAMBLING anymore.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to suffer through daily life. It's just a back and forth internal disagreement. I still can experience joy sometimes, like with friends and watching movies and shows with them.
I just wish I could have my life change, move out of this hell-hole of a house that is the source of most of my depression, find love, safety, a job I don't hate. It all will take years and years to accomplish, but why put myself through years more of torment for just a chance of it getting better?
It is just so disheartening.
Side tangent because my brain is everywhere tonight. The parents of one of my friends who died ended up blaming me for her death and called me an awful friend because I was the one she was talking to as she took the SN. But it's also like... what the fuck was I supposed to do? I didn't even know what fucking city she lived in, how was I supposed to do something? I couldn't do anything but keep her company and tell her how much she means to me, and how happy I was that I met her. Keeping her comfortable and treating her like a person (instead of a mentally ill problem like a lot of awful people would) was all I could do. Justifying that you believe in full bodily autonomy to other people can be exhausting. Every human has a right to do whatever they fucking want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Me and her had a suicide pact but she just couldn't take it any longer. I miss her, and I hope I'm not disappointing her by being alive this long. God, it's been almost a year since she left.
I just feel stuck I guess, and I need a place to rant about it for a minute.
I also want to thank you lovely people on this site for being supportive, comforting, and kind. Even the things that some people don't think about, like small replies to a post, make a difference. It makes people feel acknowledged. It is genuinely refreshing to see this level of community and care in this current age of online anonymity, as it's easy to forget that people can still be like this.
I am glad I have gotten to interact with and even personally befriend some of you. It's a site with a dark topic, but a warm and accepting community. Thank you all.
Good night/morning/afternoon!
It's talked about sometimes, I know other people are like this too. I think killing myself is genuinely my best option, but at the same time it's just... difficult. I don't know why my best option in life has to be ending it myself.
I have witnessed the deaths of 2 of my close friends, I don't know how they managed to get the willpower needed to take their own life. I think about it constantly, I'm rarely happy anymore, my body doesn't even produce dopamine for things like fucking GAMBLING anymore.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to suffer through daily life. It's just a back and forth internal disagreement. I still can experience joy sometimes, like with friends and watching movies and shows with them.
I just wish I could have my life change, move out of this hell-hole of a house that is the source of most of my depression, find love, safety, a job I don't hate. It all will take years and years to accomplish, but why put myself through years more of torment for just a chance of it getting better?
It is just so disheartening.
Side tangent because my brain is everywhere tonight. The parents of one of my friends who died ended up blaming me for her death and called me an awful friend because I was the one she was talking to as she took the SN. But it's also like... what the fuck was I supposed to do? I didn't even know what fucking city she lived in, how was I supposed to do something? I couldn't do anything but keep her company and tell her how much she means to me, and how happy I was that I met her. Keeping her comfortable and treating her like a person (instead of a mentally ill problem like a lot of awful people would) was all I could do. Justifying that you believe in full bodily autonomy to other people can be exhausting. Every human has a right to do whatever they fucking want as long as it doesn't hurt others. Me and her had a suicide pact but she just couldn't take it any longer. I miss her, and I hope I'm not disappointing her by being alive this long. God, it's been almost a year since she left.
I just feel stuck I guess, and I need a place to rant about it for a minute.
I also want to thank you lovely people on this site for being supportive, comforting, and kind. Even the things that some people don't think about, like small replies to a post, make a difference. It makes people feel acknowledged. It is genuinely refreshing to see this level of community and care in this current age of online anonymity, as it's easy to forget that people can still be like this.
I am glad I have gotten to interact with and even personally befriend some of you. It's a site with a dark topic, but a warm and accepting community. Thank you all.
Good night/morning/afternoon!
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