i really do not know. i don't want to try and make it perfect, try to achieve the unachievable, that's too much pressure. i was thinking that i should spend it normally, i don't do much of anything on average, so that wouldn't be such a difficult task to achieve.
a small part of me wants to spend it with another person, no person in particular as i don't really have anyone, but just a person. throughout my life i was so deprived of the kindness and warmth from another human being, it's just a silly thought that pops up here and there.
i'd definitely listen to music, music is probably one of the only things i believe i truly understand and that truly understands me. i have some songs in mind, soft slow ones, ones that remind me of life, of sadness, of my past. it just gives me this overwhelming feeling of warmth all around my chest, true happiness, i think; i would love to die feeling like that.
i think i might want to go outside during the morning or afternoon and do what i have to do during nighttime. take a long, slow walk, really get a good look at everything for the last time. compliment some people, maybe. go to the park that holds a great significance to me, stay there for a bit, think about the memories that being there brings.
closure from people that i still have the ability to talk to. ask that question that's been itching in the back of my mind for ages. tell people how i truly feel about them. which i suppose would be a bit weird, since i don't actively speak to anyone and my messages would be very out of the blue and abrupt, but who cares?
go out in peace. i'm just going to be vulnerable, 100% me. and that me is a sad, naive, defenseless, sensitive little man. i'm going to put down that defense layer of myself and just exist, not for anyone else but myself. i'm not one to care about what people are going to think about me after i'm gone, if im being honest.
and finally, i'm going to lay in my bed, and feel relief. feel relief knowing that that day was my last, and that i've reached my conclusion. i like to think of it as the end of a book, that feeling you get when you reach the end of a book. a bit of emptiness, but fulfilled.
