How to you cope with knowing you aren’t an essential part of anyone’s life?

[emptyenvelopes]

I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm not apart of anyone's core community of people. Sometimes I go days or weeks without talking to family or friends and no one bats an eyelash. No one checks in. I am so disconnected from the people I hold dear. I am so unimportant to their lives. If I think about it too long it makes me really sad.

Has anyone else thought this? And if so, how do you cope knowing that not a single person needs you in their life?

 

[wCvML2]

How I cope is by reminding myself of the cons that that it has to diminish the appeal of its pros. Like, thinking about the responsibility that comes with others needing me and how I would let them down eventually because of how unreliable I am in general. Thinking about the cons makes me rather the people in my life not needing me and be okay with just being an unessential in thier roster of connections.

 

[frost_]

I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm not apart of anyone's core community of people. Sometimes I go days or weeks without talking to family or friends and no one bats an eyelash. No one checks in. I am so disconnected from the people I hold dear. I am so unimportant to their lives. If I think about it too long it makes me really sad.

Has anyone else thought this? And if so, how do you cope knowing that not a single person needs you in their life?

It feels crushing to be honest, because for me I enjoy feeling connected even if it's difficult.

I feel like there are also levels to this. Other friends won't always be single and their partner and family will always come first before you. What do you do when you're just drifting through days as people move on with their lives?

 

[AStruggle]

How I cope is by reminding myself of the cons that that it has to diminish the appeal of its pros. Like, thinking about the responsibility that comes with others needing me and how I would let them down eventually because of how unreliable I am in general. Thinking about the cons makes me rather the people in my life not needing me and be okay with just being an unessential in thier roster of connections.

Same thing! I used to dream about having people relying on me, but now I dream to not be responsible for anyone's life except my own. I guess I'm just not ready for this kind of responsibility, not ready to give something away until I have enough myself.

I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm not apart of anyone's core community of people. Sometimes I go days or weeks without talking to family or friends and no one bats an eyelash. No one checks in. I am so disconnected from the people I hold dear. I am so unimportant to their lives. If I think about it too long it makes me really sad.

Has anyone else thought this? And if so, how do you cope knowing that not a single person needs you in their life?

I get you, used to be this way. Eventually I found a girlfriend who loved me more than anyone else, basically praising me for being who I am. We broke up in the end because multiple reasons, but the main one was because I couldn't keep up with her needs and ultimately this relationship drained me more than fulfilling my needs.

There are two ways you can go about this:
1. Kick that door down. Go socialize until it burns you out, force yourself despite everything - no matter if you're anxious, depressed, tired, etc. Eventually you'll become a part of something and probably find someone. Chances are you'll come to the same realization, but if not then congratulations - you've been working hard and succeeded.
That was the way I took.
2. Focus on yourself. Become the person you depend and rely on. Learn to love yourself, learn to respect yourself, look for the good in yourself even if it seems there's nothing good. You're the only person you'll stay with until the end, so it's only natural that you come to terms with yourself. It's tricky to understand, but once you start paying attention to yourself as you would to your favorite person you'll start to grasp it.

I wish you the best, hope you'll find peace.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

It feels crushing to be honest, because for me I enjoy feeling connected even if it's difficult.

I feel like there are also levels to this. Other friends won't always be single and their partner and family will always come first before you. What do you do when you're just drifting through days as people move on with their lives?

Now that's the million dollar question. I totally get that people are moving on with their lives, it's just really sad that we don't all get to move on with our lives together. When people start getting married or having children, of course those things come first. And when people move away fair work it makes sense that they need to devote time to growing into their new community.

But while they grow into new connections, I just feel like I'm losing mine. Everyone is moving on to better things, and leaving me behind. I can still be apart of their lives but in a much smaller scale and hard when you don't have someone to grow through life with.

Same thing! I used to dream about having people relying on me, but now I dream to not be responsible for anyone's life except my own. I guess I'm just not ready for this kind of responsibility, not ready to give something away until I have enough myself.

I get you, used to be this way. Eventually I found a girlfriend who loved me more than anyone else, basically praising me for being who I am. We broke up in the end because multiple reasons, but the main one was because I couldn't keep up with her needs and ultimately this relationship drained me more than fulfilling my needs.

There are two ways you can go about this:
1. Kick that door down. Go socialize until it burns you out, force yourself despite everything - no matter if you're anxious, depressed, tired, etc. Eventually you'll become a part of something and probably find someone. Chances are you'll come to the same realization, but if not then congratulations - you've been working hard and succeeded.
That was the way I took.
2. Focus on yourself. Become the person you depend and rely on. Learn to love yourself, learn to respect yourself, look for the good in yourself even if it seems there's nothing good. You're the only person you'll stay with until the end, so it's only natural that you come to terms with yourself. It's tricky to understand, but once you start paying attention to yourself as you would to your favorite person you'll start to grasp it.

I wish you the best, hope you'll find peace.

This is really good advice. I'm already doing #1, just gotta work on staying consistent and not burning myself out. And #2…. Now that's harder. I started journaling before I go to bed about what I'm proud of myself for and grateful for so I think that should help.

 

[astonishedturnip]

You honestly never know where you're going to make a close connection. I tried for a long time to put myself out there and join clubs, take classes, etc. to make new friends after college. Nothing took. Then I was posting on an interest forum I'd only recently joined (not SaSu lol) and basically by total coincidence I fell into a group of people I talk to daily. That was 8 years ago and we're still going strong. Don't get me wrong, they're online friends so they can't exactly drive me home from the hospital but sometimes it's just about luck. But you can only find those opportunities by trying different things.

I don't think I'm the most important person in anyone's life and that does suck. So I try to be that person that makes a difference in another potentially lonely person's life (without being overbearing) by checking in and including others and it does lift the weight a bit.

 

[N33dT0D13]

I don't lol but I definitely know the feeling.

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

Same here. I have a lot of acquaintances, but none of them possibly considers me important enough to be a significant part of their lives. It is partially my fault because I never take the initiative to deepen the relationship, nor do I have the patience to maintain any. I just have to learn to accept this situation and tell myself that I don't have to go through the pain of losing someone or the other way around later in my life.

 

[voc_89]

I am the opposite. This sounds like PARADISE to me. My lets say key parent passed away in 2004. Last week Friday actually was the 20th year anniversary (u would think u over it by now... I wasn't... almost broke down in work lol). Following that death, and lets say 15 years later after I got established in my field (thanks remaining deadbeat parent), I basically became the 'fail safe' for the remaining parent. That they could fuck around, fuck up all the assets they had, be almost a fking destitute retiree and I would bail them out. YAY!

 

[skylight7]

I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that I'm not apart of anyone's core community of people. Sometimes I go days or weeks without talking to family or friends and no one bats an eyelash. No one checks in. I am so disconnected from the people I hold dear. I am so unimportant to their lives. If I think about it too long it makes me really sad.

Has anyone else thought this? And if so, how do you cope knowing that not a single person needs you in their life?

I am in the same boat. The sad thing is I used to have a full rich life, but the very people, I lifted up and gave better lives to, sabotaged my life, and left me with nothing and nobody. I don't know how to cope with this. I struggle with it for sure.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I am in the same boat. The sad thing is I used to have a full rich life, but the very people, I lifted up and gave better lives to, sabotaged my life, and left me with nothing and nobody. I don't know how to cope with this. I struggle with it for sure.

That sounds extremely tough. How did they sabotage you if you don't mind me asking? Personally, I was born conventionally attractive in terms of weight and other physical features. And I've lost friends I'd hope to keep forever because of their jealousy. It's hard when people don't want to be your friend because of things about your body that you can't help.

 

[atdusk]

I became detached of many people at once and I don't have a way to cope with it. It's simply painful. And I manage the pain the same way I would manage a physical pain. Trying to not touch the wound, letting time pass.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I became detached of many people at once and I don't have a way to cope with it. It's simply painful. And I manage the pain the same way I would manage a physical pain. Trying to not touch the wound, letting time pass.

How do you detach/dissociate though? I feel like I'm the type of person that feels too much all the time. It's hard for me to shut that part of my brain down and down the painful emotions, I shut down the happy ones too. Is there a way to shut down only the painful emotions but keep yourself open to feeling happy?

 

[Berlin]

I'm not apart of anyone's core community of people

I struggle with this a lot but I find 'building' helps a lot. By building I mean building an interesting life that can stand on it's own. I find free standing buildings fascinating when you see one i a big city because you forget buildings need to stand on their own and not lean on others or they will collapse and damage the buildings around them.

I travel, i write, I talk to co-workers when I can and it builds a interesting enough life to block out the fact my phone has not rung or a random message come into it for years. I always have to initiate with family and friends - no one remembers my birthday or invites me to anything so I just stay on my own and once a week venture out and do something interesting to kill time and forget the loneliness.

 

[Sat]

Funnily I can't, I'm just here waiting although ik it's pointless.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I struggle with this a lot but I find 'building' helps a lot. By building I mean building an interesting life that can stand on it's own. I find free standing buildings fascinating when you see one i a big city because you forget buildings need to stand on their own and not lean on others or they will collapse and damage the buildings around them.

I travel, i write, I talk to co-workers when I can and it builds an interesting enough life to block out the fact my phone has not rung or a random message come into it for years. I always have to initiate with family and friends - no one remembers my birthday or invites me to anything so I just stay on my own and once a week venture out and do something interesting to kill time and forget the loneliness.

I think this is a great idea. Do you have any suggestions of things I can do to make my life so interesting that the loneliness isn't as large and looming? I'm active and play 4 different sports on a rotating basis. I find TV and books entertaining but not sustaining as once the story ends I'm empty. I like to be creative but when I have no one to share my creative pursuits with I lose motivation. Any other ideas to make life more fascinating would be greatly appreciated

 

[Berlin]

I think this is a great idea. Do you have any suggestions of things I can do to make my life so interesting that the loneliness isn't as large and looming? I'm active and play 4 different sports on a rotating basis. I find TV and books entertaining but not sustaining as once the story ends I'm empty. I like to be creative but when I have no one to share my creative pursuits with I lose motivation. Any other ideas to make life more fascinating would be greatly appreciated

I usually go with the flow but the idea is to kinda like be a yes man to life. I was waking around Prague one day and some guy asked if I wanted to do glass blowing and I said sure why not and it lead to a great hobby of making glass. I usually make 4 items a year when I have time and money. Don't force it or it will feel like a job. Also no shame in dropping bad hobbies. I tried archery and for me it sucked.

And sometimes the most random things happen like being on TV by chance or getting interviewed by the press in USA due to my work. Funny things can happen in life.

When i feel down a lot of memories flood back of interesting things I have done and it makes me forget the loneliness and ideation.

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I usually go with the flow but the idea is to kinda like be a yes man to life. I was waking around Prague one day and some guy asked if I wanted to do glass blowing and I said sure why not and it lead to a great hobby of making glass. I usually make 4 items a year when I have time and money. Don't force it or it will feel like a job. Also no shame in dropping bad hobbies. I tried archery and for me it sucked.

And sometimes the most random things happen like being on TV by chance or getting interviewed by the press in USA due to my work. Funny things can happen in life.

When i feel down a lot of memories flood back of interesting things I have done and it makes me forget the loneliness and ideation.

That sounds pretty cool, spontaneity for sure seems like the way to go. I like that- yes man philosophy. Going to try that!!

 

[Mortiaris]

I have same problem in theory i have few people who are with me,but its illusion, and inside im all alone. I have few "friends" but they care only when they want somethink, same parents. I never had gf as 30 years guy, last week i meet one, she was first person who was curious about me abd show me how it could be outside emotional void i live. Sadly she ghosted me after(thats normal, im boring dude). Basically if i go today and hang my self only parents would react, even when they never care all my life. I really wanted one person for who i could back home, could talk, spend some time or just feel and live, no need more, this could extend or save my life. But im done looking....

 

[atdusk]

How do you detach/dissociate though? I feel like I'm the type of person that feels too much all the time. It's hard for me to shut that part of my brain down and down the painful emotions, I shut down the happy ones too. Is there a way to shut down only the painful emotions but keep yourself open to feeling happy?

I don't know how to shut down only painful emotions. Maybe a therapist could help you with that. My rupture was closest to what happens when a couple breaks, maybe I haven't used the correct words.