How to study when you want to die?

[platypusfan]

Ok so, after a very rough week I'm still alive. I really only have one goal now and it is to get good grades because I need that for the career I wanted to do. Although I don't know if it is still worth pursuing because I can't feel positive emotions, still I won't have my ideal method anytime soon and there's still a part of me who wants to keep trying so here I am.

I didn't really know who to ask this to but I was hoping someone here has had an experience similar to mine. How do you study with absolutely no motivation?? Like when it's so bad you think about dying everyday, and you can't feel anything positive from getting good grades, and this is a constant everyday thing, how do you study when you need to? I have read so many threads on other websites trying to look for help, but they all say to think about your future when you aren't motivated at the moment. My problem is, in my ideal future I am dead. I don't need to study to be dead, so.. but I still need to study now because it's basically all I have. If I start doing bad I will kill myself. I don't really want to yet, I mean I want to but I'm still young. I also don't want to do that to my family. And if things were better, I wouldn't be so suicidal. People talk about "you don't need motivation, just discipline" but they are literally motivated. They have an end goal that relates directly to their studies, they have a future they want. I would be able to study if it was for a future I wanted, no matter how boring the material is. But I don't want a future. I don't really understand discipline because, usually it's referring to doing something hard to enjoy something in the long term, but in my situation it's just suffering for more suffering and I don't get how that's worth it. I also hear "change your major" a lot but I genuinely do not enjoy anything. What career would someone who doesn't enjoy anything even go in to??

Also, right now I'm in STEM. So it is really hard. I don't want to switch majors, I am doing this based on the aspirations I had when I wasn't suicidal. I can't see myself doing anything else. I feel like it's either do good here or die. Also I am not asking on advice on what I should do about my life in this situation, I am really just asking for motivation/study tips while being suicidal.

 

[nozomu]

Study on the premise that finding a job and stable income while you are alive will make waiting out death much easier.

Try stuff like the pomodoro method or look up other techniques for focusing and time management

 

[carnivalforone]

think of it like this, you might as well study cuz whatever happens having studied will only be a positive. you ctb? oh well at least you tried you did your best you had a goal you did something to pass the time and focus your mind. things somehow get better ? now youre on the path to success and youll be glad you didnt give up prematurely. take it from me i thought i wanted to ctb when i was 15 , now im 18 turning 19 on a gap year and i have a pathetic gpa and cant go to good colleges all because i gave up and self destructed too soon. whatever happens good luck

 

[imsocold]

im feeling it. when now you don't want to die because you are still young and all these reasons, but in your future you are already dead.
it must be terrible to have NO motivation at all.. because for me I still like some of the things that I do.
I don't even know what to advise (I would also like to know what to do), I just want to say that you are not alone in this. For me, everything depends on what people around me say about how they regret that they didn't study enough at my age. try to do your best while you can. don't give up. I wish you good luck :[

 

[Aergia]

Unfortunately I don't have much advice. Just wanted to say I relate really hard to pretty much your entire post. Recently failed a midterm for the first time because the intensity of my ideation in the days prior prevented me from studying. Also in STEM and concerned that fucking up academically will drive me to ctb sooner than I'd otherwise want.

You say that wanting to die is a constant, everyday thing. But are some days worse than others? Do you attend classes, or have friends/study buddies that can hold you accountable?

I understand that you don't want a future but if you're gonna be alive for a bit longer, because the circumstances demand it or because you're not ready to go yet— well, things will probably be a lot easier with a qualification. I try to keep that in mind too.

all the best

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Just putting it out there but if you are still partial to living is it possible to take a break from school and focus on improving your mental health?

 

[Scattered-Soul]

Aside from the stuff everyone else has offered, my trick (which sounds really silly and maybe even childish) would be to try and switch off any thinking about real life and use your creativity. Judging by your profile picture you're maybe a manga fan? You could try and imagine studying alongside a beloved character (well, maybe not Pun Pun specifically) or come up with a motivation around that like maybe you'd wanna make them proud or they could be interested in your studies (in your imagination). Again, this might sound really weird depending on what type of person you are but it works for some

 

[thornyrose]

You could study to fulfil your potential, just to feel proud of yourself, to feel great about yourself. To go out knowing that people will keep mentioning the things that you accomplished and think about them when thinking about you as long as you're remembered in the world, or to end up choosing to stay when you get that degree and have your whole life made. I've been listening to a lot of David Goggins for a few days. His motivation seems to come completely from wanting to feel great about himself based on what he does. There's a lot of motivational books and speeches out there to get a little motivation from and then study some with that burst of motivation. The other thing with study motivation is, to take good care of your body. Your body having its needs met is the key to feeling good enough to feel motivated to study. And if you have the time for it with any topic that you don't feel like studying at all, slowing down a bit and letting yourself really think about the material can make almost anything fun to study, at least for me. Although I'm not one to speak, really, since I'm just now trying to get back to studying after being in horrible shape for a couple of years with undiagnosed PMDD. There might be something out there for you that helps you feel good again, but you might have to find it all out for yourself. Another key thing is, making goals that it is possible to fail can really stress a person out. Wanting to get a good grade from a particular course or a good GPA can be kind of demotivating, because there's a deadline after which you have either succeeded or failed. Good goals don't have deadlines, for example getting a better and better grasp of the subject you're studying, raising your grades as time passes etc. With good goals, as long as you keep at it, you get there when you get there, and it's just a matter of time.

 

[platypusfan]

think of it like this, you might as well study cuz whatever happens having studied will only be a positive. you ctb? oh well at least you tried you did your best you had a goal you did something to pass the time and focus your mind. things somehow get better ? now youre on the path to success and youll be glad you didnt give up prematurely. take it from me i thought i wanted to ctb when i was 15 , now im 18 turning 19 on a gap year and i have a pathetic gpa and cant go to good colleges all because i gave up and self destructed too soon. whatever happens good luck

Thank you, that is true and I also hope that things turn better for you. Also have you looked into going to a college that's easier to get into, doing good there, then transferring? I have met a few transfer students who originally struggled and they're doing great now

Unfortunately I don't have much advice. Just wanted to say I relate really hard to pretty much your entire post. Recently failed a midterm for the first time because the intensity of my ideation in the days prior prevented me from studying. Also in STEM and concerned that fucking up academically will drive me to ctb sooner than I'd otherwise want.

You say that wanting to die is a constant, everyday thing. But are some days worse than others? Do you attend classes, or have friends/study buddies that can hold you accountable?

I understand that you don't want a future but if you're gonna be alive for a bit longer, because the circumstances demand it or because you're not ready to go yet— well, things will probably be a lot easier with a qualification. I try to keep that in mind too.

all the best

Thanks for the response, im sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I hope that things can go better for you too. Some days are worse than others so now I know to study extra hard on days that are better. I do attend class but I miss a few when things get really bad, and I have study buddies but because of my social anxiety sometimes studying in groups ends up being too much. I would much rather have a qualification to end my life off on a positive note instead of feeling forced to ctb.

Just putting it out there but if you are still partial to living is it possible to take a break from school and focus on improving your mental health?

I don't think I can take a break from school, I already payed part of my tuition and moved into a dorm. However I am reaching out to a new therapist. Hopefully this time she will be able to help me.

You could study to fulfil your potential, just to feel proud of yourself, to feel great about yourself. To go out knowing that people will keep mentioning the things that you accomplished and think about them when thinking about you as long as you're remembered in the world, or to end up choosing to stay when you get that degree and have your whole life made. I've been listening to a lot of David Goggins for a few days. His motivation seems to come completely from wanting to feel great about himself based on what he does. There's a lot of motivational books and speeches out there to get a little motivation from and then study some with that burst of motivation. The other thing with study motivation is, to take good care of your body. Your body having its needs met is the key to feeling good enough to feel motivated to study. And if you have the time for it with any topic that you don't feel like studying at all, slowing down a bit and letting yourself really think about the material can make almost anything fun to study, at least for me. Although I'm not one to speak, really, since I'm just now trying to get back to studying after being in horrible shape for a couple of years with undiagnosed PMDD. There might be something out there for you that helps you feel good again, but you might have to find it all out for yourself. Another key thing is, making goals that it is possible to fail can really stress a person out. Wanting to get a good grade from a particular course or a good GPA can be kind of demotivating, because there's a deadline after which you have either succeeded or failed. Good goals don't have deadlines, for example getting a better and better grasp of the subject you're studying, raising your grades as time passes etc. With good goals, as long as you keep at it, you get there when you get there, and it's just a matter of time.

That is a good way to put it. I will try looking into more motivational speakers. I agree that a healthy body makes things a whole lot better, I have been trying to get into a good workout schedule but it's a bit hard especially when I keep getting sick. I'm glad that you have been able to get back into studying now and I hope things can go well for you now that you know you have PMDD. Thank you for your response and I will definitely try to create better goals.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you, that is true and I also hope that things turn better for you. Also have you looked into going to a college that's easier to get into, doing good there, then transferring? I have met a few transfer students who originally struggled and they're doing great now

Thanks for the response, im sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I hope that things can go better for you too. Some days are worse than others so now I know to study extra hard on days that are better. I do attend class but I miss a few when things get really bad, and I have study buddies but because of my social anxiety sometimes studying in groups ends up being too much. I would much rather have a qualification to end my life off on a positive note instead of feeling forced to ctb.

I don't think I can take a break from school, I already payed part of my tuition and moved into a dorm. However I am reaching out to a new therapist. Hopefully this time she will be able to help me.

That is a good way to put it. I will try looking into more motivational speakers. I agree that a healthy body makes things a whole lot better, I have been trying to get into a good workout schedule but it's a bit hard especially when I keep getting sick. I'm glad that you have been able to get back into studying now and I hope things can go well for you now that you know you have PMDD. Thank you for your response and I will definitely try to create better goals.

Well take it from someone who made this mistake, you don't want to sabotage your life by sabotaging your education. CTB is never guaranteed for anyone so you want to insure yourself the best possible future.

Make sure to give yourself adequate breaks and time to decompresss.

 

[snowcloud9]

Hey, you are like me! I am in STEM and absolutely hate my major and can only think about suicide. I'd suggest taking a gap year. Pick up a job or side hustle during that time to pay off expenses. My friend works in a sushi restaurant instead of being in school this semester.

If you live in a dorm you probably can break off your contract because it's per semester, no?

 

[platypusfan]

Hey, you are like me! I am in STEM and absolutely hate my major and can only think about suicide. I'd suggest taking a gap year. Pick up a job or side hustle during that time to pay off expenses. My friend works in a sushi restaurant instead of being in school this semester.

If you live in a dorm you probably can break off your contract because it's per semester, no?

I have considered a gap year or maybe just a semester but I don't know how to do it. Especially since I already have this semester paid, I wouldn't get the money back. But thank you and I hope you can also find some relief.