Help How to see beyond my despairs

[IlovelessEachDay]

1. I was raped. More than once.


My body stopped feeling like mine long ago.





2. I haven't seen my mother in 16 years.


My father died and his family held me like property. I don't know how to explain to people what it means to be kidnapped legally.





3. My family claims I don't know how to love.


But all I do is love. Love them harder than they ever loved me. It's exhausting trying to prove I have a heart.





4. I was in an abusive relationship.


He hit me. Twice. I hate how I still romanticize the good parts. I keep swallowing my anger so I don't become him. So I don't destroy him even harder.





5. I'm drowning in adult life.


I haven't paid rent in months. I lie in bed hoping someone will take over. No one does. I'm silently screaming.





6. I failed my third year at university.


After barely surviving second year, my guardian reduced my pain to "just a year." They never asked if I even wanted this life.





7. I live like consequences don't exist.


I might end up in jail. I live off borrowed time and money. Sometimes I wonder if I want to get caught or just to rest.





8. I starve myself to feel in control.


Dysmorphia eats me daily. Today I'm happy I gained weight, tomorrow I'm stressing over it and starving myself.


My family taught me thin meant lovable. So I unlove myself every day to feel seen.





9. I no longer know who I am.


I once wanted to model. Then translate. Then work in client relations.


Now I just want silence.





10. The world scares me.


The news is war. The world is cruel.


I'm afraid to bring life into it. Afraid the cycle of abuse will start again.





11. I hate being perceived.


People call me beautiful like that should cure me.


I feel like a fraud in my own life — an actor with no audience.





12. No one knows how to hold space for me.


I crave someone to guide me, not fix me.


Someone who doesn't panic when I'm not okay.


But all I get is silence, or pity, or rush.





13. I carry guilt for surviving.


I've seen others die or break down completely.


Why am I still here when I feel so hollow?





14. I no longer believe in God the way I used to.


He was my last safe space.


Now I can't find Him in my prayers, only in my guilt.


It feels like I'm disappointing even heaven.





15. I don't want to die. I just don't know how to live like this.


I'm a 27-year-old, hot, beautiful mess writing this because it's the only way I feel real.


I want the pain to stop. Not my heart.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have been used by others for their purposes. Some might have even thought they were helping you. When this extends into childhood, it can substitute negative dynamics instead of developing positive ones. This can be crippling.

Sometimes having things go wrong can be a blessing if it forces one to let go of the destructive. If you can let go of how you look, what others expect, and what you would wish to have, you might be able to focus on daily survival. Having a job and being able to pay for food and an apartment can be a basic starting point for a new fife.

Like a person who has survived a car wreck, you may carry the scars, but the trauma of the event should be able to fade in memory as your new life emerges.

You may find that because of the difficulties you have experienced, you may be able to connect with God more mature in faith than the child-like view many have.

Here is a link to a short article that describes how difficulties can be helpful. Sort of along the lines of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

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