Venting How to numb myself

[Ra4v]

I'm new here, i've heard terrible things of this site... But so far i just... kinda see people supporting each other. I'm ashamed to say that i'm afraid of dying, i feel pathetic somehow. I know i have a good oportunity to be successful in life (to have a good job and maybe friends?) and i don't really wanna die... So i'm having trouble living, or trying to live (maybe the right word would be "survive"). I'm medicated and i know that going off meds for me is hell. I would like to just... function, since i'm 14 i struggle even to get out of bed. I'm starting to forget things easily and it's bothersome. Therapy helps, but i'd like to have someone close to me that really cares about me, i'd like to find genuine love, if that even exists. It just feels like there's always too much shit happening in my life even though i've had it "easy" from an essential point of view... rn there's some health issues around my family, my brother is an asshole, my mom says that i don't love her, the most important persons for me are saying that i make them feel bad whenever i say that i feel bad... It just feels like there's no room for me to even be here and i'm trying so hard to just get out of bed. Now, because of this medical issue i can't really seek help, that'd just bother my family, i can't go into psych ward because of money, i don't have anyone to reach out to because if i open my mouth it'll mean trouble and preoccupation that isn't needed.
I want to find a way to numb myself and suicide is the LAST option for me. Self harm isn't working, i used to smoke weed and that didn't help... i just don't know what to do. I used to play videogames to get distracted, but i don't have my pc rn. Please, don't tell me that killing myself is the only option, i don't wanna do that.