Venting How to not hate someome who hurt you profoundly?

[forgivemegod]

I started dating a girl that tried to destroy my life. How can I not hate that dumb bitch? I never hated anyone in my life before, it's not doing me well

 

[NSA]

Whats wrong with hating her? Like thinking too much about it? I dont understand forgiveness rhetoric personally unless the other person is genuinely trying to make up for it. it just makes me feel weak.

Thinking too much/feeling too much I treat it like any other intrusive thoughts. Distraction, reasoning it out then deliberately pushing it off to the side, [insert coping method here]. Success in the moment varies.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Whats wrong with hating her? Like thinking too much about it? I dont understand forgiveness rhetoric personally unless the other person is genuinely trying to make up for it. it just makes me feel weak.

Thinking too much/feeling too much I treat it like any other intrusive thoughts. Distraction, reasoning it out then deliberately pushing it off to the side, [insert coping method here]. Success in the moment varies.

Interesting. You never forget, but that's different from forgiveness. To me it is weak not to forgive. It means that person still holds power over you if you refuse. There is power in letting go, in creating a new arc in your story, in reframing your experience to mean something more grand, to see a painful piece as one part of a whole than an insular narrative, a thing that doesn't define you. If you refuse to forgive and hold onto hate, aren't you just stooping to their level? I prefer to be the bigger person.

I love this song, it really speaks to me:



The courage to unlearn their hatred

There are studies showing that if you hold onto resentment and hate during trauma, it's harder to let go and leads to believing in revenge and further reinforces the cycle of violence and generational trauma rather than creating a new path forward with new opportunities for people to pursue. Why hold on when you can move onto something better if you have the luxury?

If you're interested in the research I can cook it up for you

 

[StupiderJuniper]

Interesting. You never forget, but that's different from forgiveness. To me it is weak not to forgive. It means that person still holds power over you if you refuse. There is power in letting go, in creating a new arc in your story, in reframing your experience to mean something more grand, to see a painful piece as one part of a whole than an insular narrative, a thing that doesn't define you. If you refuse to forgive and hold onto hate, aren't you just stooping to their level? I prefer to be the bigger person.

I love this song, it really speaks to me:



The courage to unlearn their hatred

There are studies showing that if you hold onto resentment and hate during trauma, it's harder to let go and leads to believing in revenge and further reinforces the cycle of violence and generational trauma rather than creating a new path forward with new opportunities for people to pursue. Why hold on when you can move onto something better if you have the luxury?

If you're interested in the research I can cook it up for you

i disagree, sometimes some people should NOT be forgiven. not forgiving someone doesn't necessarily stoop you to their level especially that person is particularly horrendous. it is good to forgive sometimes in certain situations, when its small offenses, or when there is understanding between the two individuals, etc. but to make a blanket statement saying that one is stooping to ones level for not forgiving someone is abhorrent. however i would still be interested on the literature on this topic that you mention exists, i want to be open-minded about this still.

however, for the poster, i will say that you don't have to continue hating her. i don't know your situation, your exact feelings, etc, i can't comment on what to do exactly. if you genuinely believe that the way to stop this hatred is some sort of discussion, forgiveness, etc. then maybe it will work. if the situation is hopeless, if she is abusive, etc. do not try to extend it. get away from that situation. just please, no matter what happens do not let this hatred motivate or guide your actions, please do not do things out of revenge. try to think it all through.

 

[SASU-KE]

I started dating a girl that tried to destroy my life. How can I not hate that dumb bitch? I never hated anyone in my life before, it's not doing me well

I'm guessing the person keeps on appearing in your thoughts? You keep on ruminating on how to get revenge or how to get back at them.

The thoughts won't stop even if you try to push them down.

In these cases, you needn't forgive, but you must forget. Wait and bide your time. There's a great quote from The Godfather, which says that even the smallest, weakest man will get his opportunity at the strongest given enough time.

That really doesn't apply here in this situation, but the stress from thinking about it will eat at you and cause you stress.

Try to take it easy and bide your time. Don't forgive, but try to forget.

 

[Brouzouf]

You can't, if you let her do that, she might hurt someone else in the future because she's learned that there are no consequences.

 

[capi]

as someone who went through this for FOUR FUCKING YEARS I can give advice!

1. You don't stop hating. Its just the truth. But thats not a bad thing. They did ruin your life. And hating is a 100% valid emotion. I still hate him to this day. BUT,
2. A lot of hate is just grief. A lot of our problems, is our unresolved grief. We can't accept it. We can't accept we allowed someone to ruin our life (esp someone close to us), or we deep down, feel like its our fault, or we can't accept our life is ruined. You need to grieve and accept what your life is right now. You need to allow yourself to cry and feel despair. Because she did ruin it. And it feels so unfair.

We need to grieve how our worldview changed from her, how we learned just how more unfair the world is, and we need to grieve the fact that we will have to actively work towards a better future so much harder than before. You can't ignore or hate the grief away, you need to go through it, and sometimes after grief you will feel a bit more empty but that's normal.

You will always hate her and have grief how she dramatically changed your life. Its the same way, like, someone loses a limb or their eyesight- they just need to accept it even if someone horrendously did that to them.

But as you grieve and accept it, and don't force down your hate or force denial, you can allow more things in your life. New relationships, experiences, etc.

You will always have hate and grief. But relatively, it will seem smaller the more experiences you have. But it will always be there. You will just stop thinking about it daily, eventually.

(I don't really agree with the forgiveness tactic! You should NEVER force yourself to forgive! That only comes naturally as you age and grieve. Forcing yourself to forgive is the exact opposite of what its supposed to be and people and weaponized it online too much.)

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Why are you dating a girl you hate?

 

[forgivemegod]

Why are you dating a girl you hate?

Im not. I was.
The discussion here is getting interesting, I will anwser the other people in a little bit

 

[hughmun9]

Idk. My brother is certainly the main reason for my dissociation and anxiety. He absolutely was consistently aggressive and abusive towards me from 6 to 15 and probably earlier to be honest. He was cowardly enough to gaslight me into not being aware it was happening and I was somehow naive enough not to be able to understand it at the time. Things clicked for me at 24, way after I was out of the house. There came a point growing up where I became unable to pee. Straight up, it took immense effort for me to be able to pee in my own home. Just to put into perspective the constant anxiety and pressure. I also attribute my relentless overthinking nature to this. I remember as a kid I would take 6 hour walks where I would just think and think and think just to try to figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Until the constant dread became nothingness.

The only reason I don't hate him is because he comes across like a child to me. Obviously he was one when we were young, but he is one now too. I'm guessing he didn't know any better, he found an outlet for his aggression and discovered a way to be just subtle enough to where he could still punch but get no repercussions for it. Then like an animal he just kept pressing the lever, 15 times a day to get his dopamine and cheap confidence fix. I don't hate him, he just gave me a lesson that I hope I could make sense of and still be able to live a decent life. I hope one day I can change my modus operandi to not be dissociating 24/7.

 

[3/4Dead]

I dont have advice really but I will add my 2 cents about what I think about hating people.
I think its fair to be upset with people, or not like them, or be angry at being wronged, but if you let hate consume you then you will inevitably only end up harming yourself emotionally. It is important, I think, to note what someone else in the thread said, that hatred is mostly grief - grief is not linear, and while you may be angry today, you may be sad tomorrow, and angry again the next day. There's nothing wrong with having these feelings, but it does matter that you don't let it take over your life.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

Im not. I was.
The discussion here is getting interesting, I will anwser the other people in a little bit

Ohh, I read it as "I started dating a girl I hate" whwich ould be like.. Now, sorry for misunderstanding

 

[makingpeacewithit]

This is a little bit basic but what helped me as someone who has C-PTSD due to a war and has suffered from deep, profound anger at those who hurt me, my friends, and family - is that sometimes you just hate someone, and thats okay. I think you may be combining hating someone with the grief and bad feelings that a strong opinion on someone usually causes, which are things that can get better but in my experience do not need to come through forgiveness!!

From my experience I started being able to handle hating the people that hurt me not because I stopped hating them, but because I let myself process the grief that they caused me. A lot of strong emotions like anger or constantly thinking about them comes because you haven't let yourself accept and feel the grief they caused you and moving on despite it, which is hard and the fact that you are even acknowledging your hate is a really good step!!

This is was hard for me but what helped me personally was giving up their life and consequences to the world, and trying to let go of the control they had over me. I understand the urge to try and get back at someone or prevent someone from doing something, but sometimes loving yourself and continuing on DESPITE what people have done to you can help you stop feeling that horrible anger and draining feeling while still, understandably, hating the person that hurt you.

I hope you are able to feel better soon : ))

as someone who went through this for FOUR FUCKING YEARS I can give advice!

EDIT: I did not read this before posting my reply but this!!! Very well worded and also I second the part about how forgiveness does not need to happen to feel better!!

 

[forgivemegod]

Actually, there's nothing she can do that can make me "forgive" her, she is already forgiven, she just made a decision(the worst decision) that I warned was the only thing I don't accept, she betrayed me and asked her sister to record it, it was so fucked up. I dont ever wanna see her again, even she appears painted in gold in front of me. Im just hateful on the situation, you guys are right on the grief part. My hate is not only directed at her, but on every person involved in that crazy hurtful situation. She particularly is just a person I despise now, the hate directed to her is fading. I just hope it soon turns to indifference. The problem is, she is a person that goes after me in indirect forms, she talks to my friends, goes to the places I used to work/go, offers money in indirect forms. It's even hard to explain that to lawyers and stuff to put a restraining order or something.
Well, i'm just using this as a place to write what's in my heart guys. My feelings are different from the day I started this thread. I'll keep you guys updated. She's so crazy that she reads the things I write here. I just hope she understands that she's someone I want to delete from my life forever and It's just better if she just accept it.
I fear because she has intimate videos and photos of me, and her sister told me she already showed to her, so it's possible she already showed or sent to other people. That's a fucking crime guys. I don't trust that person anymore, if she did something so crazy as cheating and recording it, she's capable of anything.
It's really sad because before she was a person that I had a relationship with, she was my friend. Now she's someone i'm trying to not make my enemy. If she didn't want to be with me anymore, why don't talk and break up like two adults instead of cheating on me and recording it? What the actual fuck. This is so traumatizing my friends

 

[forgivemegod]

Also, as I already said before here I'm from Brazil. She's from the USA. We started dating here in Brazil, and all this shit happened in the US, so I directed my anger towards that humiliating situation to a whole country, we were having a good relationship, the day she traveled to the US she became the worst person in the world, trying to manipulate me

 

[forgivemegod]

I hope they never come back to my city, it would be a really really bad idea...

 

[Musiclover338]

I hope they never come back to my city, it would be a really really bad idea...

dude get over it shes a female

thought this was gonna be about getting into a fist fight or gun situation with a male....

 

[forgivemegod]

Im trying to, she has a crazy ass family that has money, I don't want her money, they tried to buy me and I refused it. I already have to deal with my family. I pray everyday to god to cut all ties with her and her fucked up family

dude get over it shes a female

thought this was gonna be about getting into a fist fight or gun situation with a male....

I just hope they all dissapear forever. I really don't wanna go to jail...

 

[zhaim]

Actually, there's nothing she can do that can make me "forgive" her, she is already forgiven, she just made a decision(the worst decision) that I warned was the only thing I don't accept, she betrayed me and asked her sister to record it, it was so fucked up. I dont ever wanna see her again, even she appears painted in gold in front of me. Im just hateful on the situation, you guys are right on the grief part. My hate is not only directed at her, but on every person involved in that crazy hurtful situation. She particularly is just a person I despise now, the hate directed to her is fading. I just hope it soon turns to indifference. The problem is, she is a person that goes after me in indirect forms, she talks to my friends, goes to the places I used to work/go, offers money in indirect forms. It's even hard to explain that to lawyers and stuff to put a restraining order or something.
Well, i'm just using this as a place to write what's in my heart guys. My feelings are different from the day I started this thread. I'll keep you guys updated. She's so crazy that she reads the things I write here. I just hope she understands that she's someone I want to delete from my life forever and It's just better if she just accept it.
I fear because she has intimate videos and photos of me, and her sister told me she already showed to her, so it's possible she already showed or sent to other people. That's a fucking crime guys. I don't trust that person anymore, if she did something so crazy as cheating and recording it, she's capable of anything.
It's really sad because before she was a person that I had a relationship with, she was my friend. Now she's someone i'm trying to not make my enemy. If she didn't want to be with me anymore, why don't talk and break up like two adults instead of cheating on me and recording it? What the actual fuck. This is so traumatizing my friends

I think there's really nothing else you can do except to hate her. I hope you find some way to remove her from your life or that she eventually leaves you alone. I'm unfortunately someone who kind of experienced the other side of your situation. I had an incident where I shared intimate videos of me and someone else to someone I knew. I still feel awful about it and after a recent confrontation about all of my past mistakes, I just can't stop hating myself. But I've also learned that trying to fix anything with the people I hurt will only make things worse and I've had to truly accept that. It's hard, but I had to realize that the people I hurt have no obligation to stop hating me or forgive me even after proving I've changed or become a better person, even years and years from now. Currently, I'm trying to grow, but I'm so sorry this woman seems to have no remorse for her actions towards you. I hope she leaves you be and you're able to find some peace. Just never feel the need to forgive or stop hating that person. It is completely valid and reasonable to feel hatred towards someone who did terrible things to you, such as the things you mentioned. I'm sorry man

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I started dating a girl that tried to destroy my life. How can I not hate that dumb bitch? I never hated anyone in my life before, it's not doing me well

Genuinely, time. I still have hate for my ex for dragging our breakup on, taking furniture from the apartment, etc., but I also realize holding onto the hate does me no good at all. The best thing is literally just to live your life as if she doesn't exist, and eventually, you'll reach a point where you can go a day without thinking about her, then maybe a week, it's all a matter of perspective.

 

[2Sensible]

I relate because there is people that i profoundly hate, something visceral.

But every time i hated someone for their actions and dig deeper in their childhood, their education, their logic, i realized that everything they did was mostly because of their ignorance, their frustration, or a lack of love... And it mades me hate them less.

But idk... Maybe i'm finding them excuses.

 

[byec560]

I try to think about how hate negatively affects me. Whether the people I hate deserve forgiveness I couldn't say, but I do know that hating them makes me unhappy and so I see forgiveness as the way to lighten my own burden. Plus they're out of my life so it's not like my hate can reach them anyways. Even if it could, it would just make everything worse for everyone involved. But also I still hate them a little sometimes tbh.

 

[124afun15]

Just hate her and move on.

You can hate her and forget simultaneously.

Whenever you remember her just hate her. Do enough things to the point thoughts of her become uncommon.

 

[forgivemegod]

Thanks for support like always guys, people here are much more empathetic than IRL and other Internet places. I didnt know there were people so dumb and bad in the world, I know very dangerous people here in Brazil and I warned her to not mess with me. I just need to stay calm, move on to not do some shit and harm my own life