_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,109
has someone already achieved this themselves and would like to share some advice?
I think atleast speaking from myself I've noticed that the more time I worried about it the more I realized that no one really cares or gives a fuck. I mean sure people will think whatever or however of you, but it won't last long as everyone has their own problems to deal with instead of worrying about someone else (unless it's family or friends). Now I may be mistaken in what context you are referring to so apologies if this doesn't help. I tried to look something up, I found this article (one of the first ones that popped up since I'm lazy):
https://www.bustle.com/articles/159...g-the-approval-of-others-feel-super-confident
Which btw is mostly cliche as fuck so forgive me but it reminded me how maybe the reason why we seek approval to begin with is because we don't have enough self worth to accept our own approval if that makes sense. If you have the time search 'how to no longer be dependent on others approval' or whatever and see if anything resonates. Again I'm sorry if none of this helps, I know it's all easier said than done. Hugs
https://www.bustle.com/articles/159...g-the-approval-of-others-feel-super-confident
Which btw is mostly cliche as fuck so forgive me but it reminded me how maybe the reason why we seek approval to begin with is because we don't have enough self worth to accept our own approval if that makes sense. If you have the time search 'how to no longer be dependent on others approval' or whatever and see if anything resonates. Again I'm sorry if none of this helps, I know it's all easier said than done. Hugs
Last edited:
GoodPersonEffed
Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
- Jan 11, 2020
- 6,727
I can share this:
It may seem lame because it's an acronym, or just a bunch of words, but I put it into practice all the time. A tool proves itself in how much it is used for its purpose, and how well it does what it's needed for.
Here are some examples of how I put it into practice, with the result of not needing others' approval or caring what others think, because I have self-respect:
FAIR
I'm fair to myself and to others. I once told a mod that if someone else was warned for something and that warning was valid, then if I did the same I wanted to be warned as well, even if I was close to 100% -- not trying to be all snooty here like my shit doesn't stink because it does, but if I want the benefit of rules protecting me from others, then I have to value the rules when applied to me and value others' safety equally. Or if I call out a behavior and someone calls out the same about me, then I have to look at it and see if that's accurate, and if yes, then hold myself to the same standard and make the needed correction. To me, fairness is about balance.
APOLOGIES
I don't apologize for anything on the list in the link. I only apologize when it's from my heart. I prefer to acknowledge error and make corrections and respect myself rather than putting myself below the other person and saying I'm sorry. I remember apologies are not an obligation, and if I feel I'm pushing myself to apologize when it's not from my heart, then I'm somehow debasing myself, and I make sure to not apologize because something is off. I also don't demand apologies. I prefer acknowledgement, but what I prefer most is doing better going forward.
STICK TO NEEDS AND VALUES
I don't set aside my values or ethics because it's easier, to get approval, to get special treatment, to be liked, etc. I stand up for myself, my needs, and my values or ethics. Someone who is against them is against me, therefore they're not worthy of my respect but a watchful eye and self-protection.
TRUTH
I am honest with others. I don't lie to myself or others nor exaggerate. I don't play on helplenessness to get my needs met. I am direct about my wants and needs rather than trying to wheedle to get them met; if they're not met, they're not met honestly; if they're met by deception, they're not genuinely being met, it's about a game and not the needs. I strive to be honest with myself about my motivations for doing things. If I have to lie or bullshit or manipulate to protect myself, then I think of other ways I can do so without lying, and I usually come up with a solution.
________________________________
Another tool I use is this Buddhist saying: "Beings have their actions as their refuge and shelter." The saying goes on that such actions show whether a being is superior or inferior, but I find that unnecessarily judgmental. It's the actions that are superior or inferior and that's my focus. Actions based on values/virtues, integrity, and self-respect are more likely to be protective, that is, they build a superior refuge and shelter. Shitty actions make for shitty shelter and foundation. If a foundation is built on shitty or inferior actions, it is always vulnerable and someone or something can knock it out from under.
Another quote, by Marcus Aurelius: "Someone would disdain me? That is his concern. My concern is that I not be found doing anything worthy of disdain." Haters gonna hate, but I'm safer if I've done nothing they can use against me; if they twist something I did, or they make up something, I keep standing firm. Their actions are on them, not me -- and that's maybe the most important in not caring what others think. I'm focused on my and my own path and actions, not on what they focus on, or want me to focus on. If I approve of myself, all other approval is secondary. Do I approve of and respect the person who approves of me? If someone approves of me but I do not approve of them nor respect their consistent actions, I brush off their approval as much as I would their disapproval.
A story: A king and his aide were walking when they passed underneath someone who dumped water on the king's head. His aide asked, "Aren't you going to punish him?" The king replied no. "It's not me he dumped water on, but who he thinks I am." (I've heard the story other ways -- trash, body waste, etc. I kind of like the idea of it being shit -- the worst insult is when someone dumps the contents of their chamber pot. But the regal person who has done nothing to deserve it can laugh it off, clean it off, and move on unaffected.)
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/self-respect-skills-an-easy-acronym.40739/
It may seem lame because it's an acronym, or just a bunch of words, but I put it into practice all the time. A tool proves itself in how much it is used for its purpose, and how well it does what it's needed for.
Here are some examples of how I put it into practice, with the result of not needing others' approval or caring what others think, because I have self-respect:
FAIR
I'm fair to myself and to others. I once told a mod that if someone else was warned for something and that warning was valid, then if I did the same I wanted to be warned as well, even if I was close to 100% -- not trying to be all snooty here like my shit doesn't stink because it does, but if I want the benefit of rules protecting me from others, then I have to value the rules when applied to me and value others' safety equally. Or if I call out a behavior and someone calls out the same about me, then I have to look at it and see if that's accurate, and if yes, then hold myself to the same standard and make the needed correction. To me, fairness is about balance.
APOLOGIES
I don't apologize for anything on the list in the link. I only apologize when it's from my heart. I prefer to acknowledge error and make corrections and respect myself rather than putting myself below the other person and saying I'm sorry. I remember apologies are not an obligation, and if I feel I'm pushing myself to apologize when it's not from my heart, then I'm somehow debasing myself, and I make sure to not apologize because something is off. I also don't demand apologies. I prefer acknowledgement, but what I prefer most is doing better going forward.
STICK TO NEEDS AND VALUES
I don't set aside my values or ethics because it's easier, to get approval, to get special treatment, to be liked, etc. I stand up for myself, my needs, and my values or ethics. Someone who is against them is against me, therefore they're not worthy of my respect but a watchful eye and self-protection.
TRUTH
I am honest with others. I don't lie to myself or others nor exaggerate. I don't play on helplenessness to get my needs met. I am direct about my wants and needs rather than trying to wheedle to get them met; if they're not met, they're not met honestly; if they're met by deception, they're not genuinely being met, it's about a game and not the needs. I strive to be honest with myself about my motivations for doing things. If I have to lie or bullshit or manipulate to protect myself, then I think of other ways I can do so without lying, and I usually come up with a solution.
________________________________
Another tool I use is this Buddhist saying: "Beings have their actions as their refuge and shelter." The saying goes on that such actions show whether a being is superior or inferior, but I find that unnecessarily judgmental. It's the actions that are superior or inferior and that's my focus. Actions based on values/virtues, integrity, and self-respect are more likely to be protective, that is, they build a superior refuge and shelter. Shitty actions make for shitty shelter and foundation. If a foundation is built on shitty or inferior actions, it is always vulnerable and someone or something can knock it out from under.
Another quote, by Marcus Aurelius: "Someone would disdain me? That is his concern. My concern is that I not be found doing anything worthy of disdain." Haters gonna hate, but I'm safer if I've done nothing they can use against me; if they twist something I did, or they make up something, I keep standing firm. Their actions are on them, not me -- and that's maybe the most important in not caring what others think. I'm focused on my and my own path and actions, not on what they focus on, or want me to focus on. If I approve of myself, all other approval is secondary. Do I approve of and respect the person who approves of me? If someone approves of me but I do not approve of them nor respect their consistent actions, I brush off their approval as much as I would their disapproval.
A story: A king and his aide were walking when they passed underneath someone who dumped water on the king's head. His aide asked, "Aren't you going to punish him?" The king replied no. "It's not me he dumped water on, but who he thinks I am." (I've heard the story other ways -- trash, body waste, etc. I kind of like the idea of it being shit -- the worst insult is when someone dumps the contents of their chamber pot. But the regal person who has done nothing to deserve it can laugh it off, clean it off, and move on unaffected.)
Last edited:
