So… a weird one (on little sleep) but I need some ideas and if not ideas, some others experience or at least to vent
I've always been immensely headstrong for a depressive/anxiety ridden person
I think it comes from having both adhd and autism too so my mind is like 3 boxes that don't intertwine just come out at separate times in quick succession instead
This alone has lead to me still constantly feeling very down but because my mind can't focus on the bad for long enough it's like one part (adhd most likely) just pulls me away from it so often I can't actually be sad enough to regulate emotions and just feel so weird and empty
What I just want is to be able to ponder on my hopelessness so it's at the forefront which I know a lot of you probably suffer with the most and don't know why I'd want it but I want to know my real depression so I can overcome SI in my mind and feel more happy and confident in CTB. I want my whole mind to know I'm suffering cause the autism and ADHD parts stand in the way and distract me from it but not in a good way cause all they do is negatively affect me from social awkwardness to doing random pointless tasks
I'm sick of trying to sit down and feel something but turn around and have my adhd brain switch to "go eat a biscuit" or "play with your shirt buttons". I know many of you probably wish you could have those distractions but it's torture to me it adds nothing to my life just unproductivness.
But I hope some of you especially ADHD sufferers have some understanding and insight?
So I'd also like to ask how do you guys find your delusions and despair get worse? Cause just thinking about the negatives make me feel more blasé than depressed. I need something else. It sounds so weird but I want to suffer more now and have the real pain in my mind at the forefront so I know what is actually slowly killing me and look forward to its end.
I've always been immensely headstrong for a depressive/anxiety ridden person
I think it comes from having both adhd and autism too so my mind is like 3 boxes that don't intertwine just come out at separate times in quick succession instead
This alone has lead to me still constantly feeling very down but because my mind can't focus on the bad for long enough it's like one part (adhd most likely) just pulls me away from it so often I can't actually be sad enough to regulate emotions and just feel so weird and empty
What I just want is to be able to ponder on my hopelessness so it's at the forefront which I know a lot of you probably suffer with the most and don't know why I'd want it but I want to know my real depression so I can overcome SI in my mind and feel more happy and confident in CTB. I want my whole mind to know I'm suffering cause the autism and ADHD parts stand in the way and distract me from it but not in a good way cause all they do is negatively affect me from social awkwardness to doing random pointless tasks
I'm sick of trying to sit down and feel something but turn around and have my adhd brain switch to "go eat a biscuit" or "play with your shirt buttons". I know many of you probably wish you could have those distractions but it's torture to me it adds nothing to my life just unproductivness.
But I hope some of you especially ADHD sufferers have some understanding and insight?
So I'd also like to ask how do you guys find your delusions and despair get worse? Cause just thinking about the negatives make me feel more blasé than depressed. I need something else. It sounds so weird but I want to suffer more now and have the real pain in my mind at the forefront so I know what is actually slowly killing me and look forward to its end.
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