How to get my boyfriend to stop caring about me?

[hangyullove]

I like realllyyy really wanna CTB. My boyfriend has always known this and he's known of me being a schizo who lashes out at all my family. I don't care about any of my family's reactions when I CTB because I won't even be around to see it but my boyfriend is a different thing.

For context, we're long distance. He goes to Rice and I go to a shitty community college because I got rescinded from my Ivy adjacent school in the South for cyberbullying.

I originally didn't wanna CTB until I paid off all my debts but all the scholarships I've earned in both essay and merit have enough to pay off my debt for this semester idk about my summer semesters tho. But I really just wanna go I want to make the measures needed to CTB knowing I'll have no regrets if everything is handled.

My boyfriend and I talk for an average of 10 hours a day. He's given me hundreds of dollars worth of gifts and no matter what I say or how much I try to push him away (I'm not trying to be selfish I promise you I've tried to reject his many offers) he just keeps falling more in love with me. Even when I slack on my hygiene, tell him I'm into weird fetishes so he can get turned off from me, or say really weird 1488 wignat sh*t (don't judge I'm just trying to really shake him off me ) it doesn't work.

I know CTB would gravely affect him and the only reason I haven't is because of him. I view him as more of a burden every day because I just want him to stop loving me. But I know even then that won't work because no matter if we fight if we break up if we have turbulent waters he'll be incredibly sad no matter what.

I love him so much. That's why I want to push him away, out of love. I wish I never met him and I wish he never had the misfortune of meeting me. Everything he's done for me to go to the moon and beyond and even buying me groceries when my unfit disabled mother can't brings me so much guilt. I feel stuck because he brings me everything I could ever want except the mental clarity I can't ever get.

I'm a premed student (I'm very good at my clinicals and my mental health has no bearing on my academic ability). Idk where to put this I guess sorry I'm not a good writer but I wanted to add context.

In NO WAY am I trying to brag about what he does for me. I find it an inconvenience and I'm so sorry for being so curt but I'm seriously suffering so much

 

[joeschmo]

I like realllyyy really wanna CTB. My boyfriend has always known this and he's known of me being a schizo who lashes out at all my family. I don't care about any of my family's reactions when I CTB because I won't even be around to see it but my boyfriend is a different thing.

For context, we're long distance. He goes to Rice and I go to a shitty community college because I got rescinded from my Ivy adjacent school in the South for cyberbullying.

I originally didn't wanna CTB until I paid off all my debts but all the scholarships I've earned in both essay and merit have enough to pay off my debt for this semester idk about my summer semesters tho. But I really just wanna go I want to make the measures needed to CTB knowing I'll have no regrets if everything is handled.

My boyfriend and I talk for an average of 10 hours a day. He's given me hundreds of dollars worth of gifts and no matter what I say or how much I try to push him away (I'm not trying to be selfish I promise you I've tried to reject his many offers) he just keeps falling more in love with me. Even when I slack on my hygiene, tell him I'm into weird fetishes so he can get turned off from me, or say really weird 1488 wignat sh*t (don't judge I'm just trying to really shake him off me ) it doesn't work.

I know CTB would gravely affect him and the only reason I haven't is because of him. I view him as more of a burden every day because I just want him to stop loving me. But I know even then that won't work because no matter if we fight if we break up if we have turbulent waters he'll be incredibly sad no matter what.

I love him so much. That's why I want to push him away, out of love. I wish I never met him and I wish he never had the misfortune of meeting me. Everything he's done for me to go to the moon and beyond and even buying me groceries when my unfit disabled mother can't brings me so much guilt. I feel stuck because he brings me everything I could ever want except the mental clarity I can't ever get.

I'm a premed student (I'm very good at my clinicals and my mental health has no bearing on my academic ability). Idk where to put this I guess sorry I'm not a good writer but I wanted to add context.

In NO WAY am I trying to brag about what he does for me. I find it an inconvenience and I'm so sorry for being so curt but I'm seriously suffering so much

Can I ask why you want to CTB?? Perhaps (to him) you don't have good reasons. Maybe he sees so much potential in you. It's just a guess, hence why I ask why you want to CTB.
You don't have to tell me of course, I'll respect your decision.

 

[casual_existence]

Break up with him? Or figure out what's causing these feelings and work on that.
Tho even if you did any of that no matter what he would suffer if you ctb. We can't control what others feel or do so there's very little that can be done.

 

[hangyullove]

Can I ask why you want to CTB?? Perhaps (to him) you don't have good reasons. Maybe he sees so much potential in you. It's just a guess, hence why I ask why you want to CTB.
You don't have to tell me of course, I'll respect your decision.

Thank you for asking for clarification :)

My reason is kinda unorthodox and it seems silly but eh fck it.

Ever since I was little, I felt ugly. Uncomfortable in my own skin and that the only solution for me was death. My mom has high cheekbones and constant modeling offers but acts like it's trivial and doesn't understand my woes at all. People ask me if I'm disabled because of how I naturally look and I'm super extroverted but never get to show it because I spend all day in my room crying over my appearance. I yearn to get surgery but even then I know I'm gonna be insatiable until I look perfect so I just wanna die instead. My appearance is the ONLY thing I care about in life

I can't explain my 19 years of woes into words without sounding completely fucking crazy but also aging plays a factor into it. Also the fact I'm mixed race and feel impure even though I was raised to love both my cultures I've always had an unshakable urge to just die because of my phenotypes and appearance that NEVER will go away

Break up with him? Or figure out what's causing these feelings and work on that.
Tho even if you did any of that no matter what he would suffer if you ctb. We can't control what others feel or do so there's very little that can be done.

That might make him suicidal though because he has a history as well. I want him to be happy more than I want me to be happy but I can't take this agony anymore sometimes I don't want to leave him hanging. If only there was a way I could propose a romeo and juliet situation lololol but his parents are so sweet and loving I don't want that burden on them

 

[kindalone]

Break up with him? Or figure out what's causing these feelings and work on that.
Tho even if you did any of that no matter what he would suffer if you ctb. We can't control what others feel or do so there's very little that can be done.

I second this. You have no control over how he feels. He might even suffer after you break up and blame himself for not doing more. It's all out of your reach. Plus, you guys are long distance. There's an image of you inside his head that is just unshakeable. He can manipulate himself into liking whatever you say to him - weird fetishes and everything. He has the luxury of not having to deal with it in real life. I'm not saying you aren't lovable. You probably are and that's why he loves you. It's just that there's nothing you can really say that he can't make into something positive in his head. Kinda adorable. Not gonna lie.

 

[casual_existence]

That might make him suicidal though because he has a history as well.

This will seem cruel but really whether he kills himself or not is not up to you. You're the proof of that.

 

[hangyullove]

This will seem cruel but really whether he kills himself or not is not up to you. You're the proof of that.

Yeah he says I saved his life a lot so that kinda makes me feel guilty loool. Maybe let me sleep it off and hope that I feel better in the future and this voracious urge just subsides enough to where I can be active and present for him

 

[Adûnâi]

If he doesn't respect your choice to die, it's cringe. Just give him an order to forget you, then see whether he obeys.

I've always had an unshakable urge to just die because of my phenotypes and appearance that NEVER will go away

How do you know? In case we reach technological singularity by 2030, the world may be your oyster.

 

[Suicide Girl]

Por mais que seja dolorido para ele você deveria terminar e se afastar..não parece que possa ser evitado qualquer tipo de sofrimento para ele. Acho que se fosse ctb estando ainda com ele poderia ser pior de alguma forma.

 

[hangyullove]

If he doesn't respect your choice to die, it's cringe. Just give him an order to forget you, then see whether he obeys.


How do you know? In case we reach technological singularity by 2030, the world may be your oyster.

That sounds promising but I don't wanna suffer until then. I've had sex before, guys are attracted to me, I think it's just me schizoing the fuck out constantly about my appearance that makes me think that I can never achieve sanity. I'd love to give a neurosurgeon all of my savings and get a frontal lobotomy so I can be super pretty without a thought in the world. It's not like my test scores matter because every prestige or merit-based thing I get I lose due to my bad behavior. I'm such a misunderstood genius I guess hahahahhaa and ppl use me bc I show off in lectures and answer all the tricky questions but all of it just makes me feel like its not even enough to compensate for the way I look and I'm ashamed for people to even look in my direction when I do all this and I feel like I insult others just by going out even though I look my best. Whenever I go out and socialize and be super chatty afterwards I feel shitty solely because of how they perceived me after

 

[SexyIncél]

What strikes me offhand: help him replace you & make 100% clear you're not replacing him

This discharges your responsibility. Furthermore, if you don't ctb after all, you didn't burn your bridges. But a requirement is that he takes steps to detach himself from you. We could consider how he might do this

 

[hangyullove]

What strikes me offhand: help him replace you & make 100% clear you're not replacing him

This discharges your responsibility. Furthermore, if you don't ctb after all, you didn't burn your bridges. But a requirement is that he takes steps to detach himself from you. We could consider how he might do this

omg ur a genius I never thought of this before. I know exactly the type of guys he likes this wouldn't be that hard

 

[theboy]

I try to empathize with you. I am a guy who has received some compliments for being handsome but I feel ugly. I think you can save money and get surgery if that's what makes you feel better.

 

[hangyullove]

I try to empathize with you. I am a guy who has received some compliments for being handsome but I feel ugly. I think you can save money and get surgery if that's what makes you feel better.

I know every single procedure I need down to the recovery time and price range. I have emails of me ever since I was 12 asking surgeons what I needed done with my face and the minimum age. All of these procedures are very costly but time-consuming and necessary. I only chose my field of work to help pay for my procedures. I'm worried not even the surgeries will fix my disordered sense of mind even if I'm conventionally attractive. I think life just isn't for me and that's okay I live for me and me alone it's just my boyfriend I happened to care for somehow even tho I'm a raging sociopath who treats my family like shit but they still spoil me LMAO

 

[joeschmo]

Thank you for asking for clarification :)

My reason is kinda unorthodox and it seems silly but eh fck it.

Ever since I was little, I felt ugly. Uncomfortable in my own skin and that the only solution for me was death. My mom has high cheekbones and constant modeling offers but acts like it's trivial and doesn't understand my woes at all. People ask me if I'm disabled because of how I naturally look and I'm super extroverted but never get to show it because I spend all day in my room crying over my appearance. I yearn to get surgery but even then I know I'm gonna be insatiable until I look perfect so I just wanna die instead. My appearance is the ONLY thing I care about in life

I can't explain my 19 years of woes into words without sounding completely fucking crazy but also aging plays a factor into it. Also the fact I'm mixed race and feel impure even though I was raised to love both my cultures I've always had an unshakable urge to just die because of my phenotypes and appearance that NEVER will go away

That might make him suicidal though because he has a history as well. I want him to be happy more than I want me to be happy but I can't take this agony anymore sometimes I don't want to leave him hanging. If only there was a way I could propose a romeo and juliet situation lololol but his parents are so sweet and loving I don't want that burden on them

"People ask me if I'm disabled because of how I naturally look".
What do you mean but this? They perceive you as ugly and judge you, or they say "girl you are VERY pretty, yet you don't feel that way, are you disabled", as in "can't you see how pretty you are?"?

A man named Jacque Fresco (of "The Venus Project") once said "someone's prettiness is largely dependent on their personality. If they are unbearable/abusive then what originally was perceived as a pretty face quickly turns ugly" (paraphrasing here).

I have since come to recognize this fact. Your mind can very quickly turn a "pretty" looking person into a very unattractive one. Arrogance, ego, selfishness, narcissism, etc., all can change when we perceive "prettiness".

Imagine an alternative universe where you are THE prettiest person on the planet (and you recognize yourself that way too), but with a very ugly personality. Sure, superficial people who ignore your personality will still be attracted (for predatory reasons; e.g. men who want to use you in bed and then dispose of you like items thrown into trash because they have run their usefulness), but you will be perceived as very ugly by innocent-minded ppl (ppl who speak and perceive from the heart).

Anyways, my point is, perhaps try to change how you define prettiness??

You are young, not feeling pretty enough is (in my opinion) a very bad reason to CTB. Ppl here want to CTB because of a terminal illness, very deep depression, having been abused, all sorts of hellish experiences, unbearable mental/physical suffering.

If you still want to CTB, I'll respect that. Look into the method's section for the most efficient/comfortable way to do it.

But please just think things over before making a decision you can't walk back from.

 

[theboy]

I know every single procedure I need down to the recovery time and price range. I have emails of me ever since I was 12 asking surgeons what I needed done with my face and the minimum age. All of these procedures are very costly but time-consuming and necessary. I only chose my field of work to help pay for my procedures. I'm worried not even the surgeries will fix my disordered sense of mind even if I'm conventionally attractive. I think life just isn't for me and that's okay I live for me and me alone it's just my boyfriend I happened to care for somehow even tho I'm a raging sociopath who treats my family like shit but they still spoil me LMAO

Oh, I understand. Well, maybe by doing a single operation you can see if anything changes in you. Maybe by cheating on your boyfriend he can get away from you. I can tell your family loves you very much despite your mistreatment. I don't feel like life is for me either.

 

[hangyullove]

Oh, I understand. Well, maybe by doing a single operation you can see if anything changes in you. Maybe by cheating on your boyfriend he can get away from you. I can tell your family loves you very much despite your mistreatment. I don't feel like life is for me either.

Thanks for all the kind words and support <3 yeah my family does love me. I think it's just a lifestyle thing that leans me towards ctb sometimes

 

[theboy]

Thanks for all the kind words and support <3 yeah my family does love me. I think it's just a lifestyle thing that leans me towards ctb sometimes

I hope you can feel better and change your lifestyle, although it is not easy. Anything PM me :)

 

[filthystray]

I feel like I want my GF to stop caring about me too. For a different reason though. I told her that I want ctb and she said that if I do that she would 'follow me'. Which is an immature reason imo but I digress. Ever since then I have been kind of chilly so she will stop liking me and I can avoid this crazy suicide pact she's forcing me into. So far it hasn't worked so I would like an answer to this too.

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe by cheating on your boyfriend he can get away from you.

This is why it's important to gain massive bargaining power in relationships. Because instead of being reasonably direct, many people are likelier to do the most depraved sneaky shit they can imagine

Disturbing to share a bed with someone who's constantly plotting...

And of course, the bf's even likelier to ctb, or at least suffer a wound that may never heal

 

[silent.desperation]

What about a 2 for 1 special? Ever discussed it? Might be worth investigating...

 

[Linda]

"I know I'm gonna be insatiable until I look perfect". Ctb is not the solution. You need to find a way to adjust your attitudes. When you get to my age you know that good looks, though nice to have, are not all that important in the long run. They fade. Other things, such as personality, matter far more. It's not clear to me from what you post whether your looks are such that everyone (or almost everyone) would agree they are a problem, or whether you just have unrealistic expectations. If the former, get some surgery to improve matters. If the latter, adjust your expectations to something more realistic. If you find it hard to adjust your expectations by yourself, you could try getting some therapy.

What does your boyfriend think about your looks? My guess is that he's OK with them because otherwise he wouldn't be your boyfriend. If he's OK with them, then probably most other people will be too.

I would also advise you to be completely honest with your boyfriend. Starting now. Tell him how you feel about all these things. It might be hard for him to handle, but things are going to be hard for him anyway if you ctb.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

What is wrong with you? You're definitely bragging because who is sad about someone who "cares and loves them too much." And "showers me with too many gifts" Also your personality sounds horrible. What the f do you mean you got rescinded for cyber bullying. Also why are you so shallow and superficial? You seem good enough in the eyes of others but you want more? Why? It's not even going to benefit you that much. And also did you just describe your own mother as "unfit"??? Like how is that even relevant.
Honestly you must be gorgeous (in the most insulting way possible) if your personality really is this horrendous and your family and boyfriend is still showering you with gifts. Go away… you're clearly not even suicidal either. And probably not even schizophrenic you're just trying to be quirky and making fun of people with actual mental illnesses. The only mental illness you have is having the personality of Satan disorder. Who even brags on a suicide forum.. really, feeling the need to brag to people in bad situations already, who are physically or mentally suffering and your problem is "being loved" F off. Seriously.

this site is for mentally ill people. we don't think straight. comparing someone to "satan" is childish and immature. people can be in a 'fortunate' situation and still be depressed and/or suicidal. clearly there is something wrong with you that you think someone can 'fake' being suicidal and then insult someone who is already suffering and planning to die. you're weird, man.