Help How to find the will to finally do it?

[zengiraffe]

I feel like I'm missing something, and that missing piece is what's preventing me from finally killing myself.

I'm not afraid of death, so it's not courage that I am missing. I'm not missing the means, as I got a shotgun about a year ago and it's been sitting in the back of my closet since then. I'm not missing a reason, as I have many for wanting to kill myself. I don't know what it is, but whatever it is I'm missing it, and not knowing what it is is starting to really piss me off because I want to be gone already.

I had one serious suicide attempt a little over a year ago (before I got the shotgun). I'm trying to remember what exactly it was that possessed me to go all the way back then. I felt driven to die, like it was my singular focus. Is that the issue? I'm too distracted now? By pointless superficial shit like tv shows and video games? Even though I know those things won't bring me any meaningful or lasting happiness?

To paraphrase Thomas Ligotti, he once said something like, "Evolution has given us the tools to feel just good enough for just long enough to not kill ourselves." I'm tired of feeling like a biological robot forced to do the bidding of my genes. I'm not Sisyphus. I'm the boulder. Just kill me please.

 

[FutureHanger]

either wait until you feel ready, remember when you die you won't care about how long it took or think of things that make you feel bad until you eventually feel overwhelmed with enough negative emotion to do it (only do this when the shotgun is near you)

 

[FrozenPond]

It is a strange thing. I've been struggling with CTB for about 8 years and only now do I feel very comfortable with the decision. I'm ready, it's my time. I think there might be certain things that have to happen, closure with others, a will, etc. IMO there's no need to stress it, when it's time you will have a sense of peace and duty. All the best to you.

 

[FitsTime]

I was in the same boat, and when i finally got that trigger i didn't want to cause trouble to people around me(i was not even in my own house).
I'm weak and I'm neither where i want to be nor who i want to be. I made a lot of efforts to be better, to escape this freaking life and live in peace and I'm again at the starting point, older, weaker, wounded. When the trigger comes I'll follow it, because whenever i think things will get better and I'll reach the peace i want, they instantly turn freaking worst. The funny thing is, that everything i hate in life actually happened to me or i let it happen. I just wanted to have a decent job and mind my own business in peace. Plus i don't like this era of clowns and messing around, things take a lot of time and care to be built and stupid people destroy theme with ease and no remorse.

 

[AllAlone]

I feel like depression is the biggest obstacle. I want to die but I don't have a good method and never have a chance to attempt. And when I do have an opportunity I'm too tired to actually set everything up. I keep telling myself I'll do it tomorrow but obviously I never do. It's easier to just go through the motions than to put the work in required to kill yourself.

 

[UKscotty]

I think once we are truly ready to CTB we will get it done.

We will stop thinking about future consequences and the notion of tomorrow will no longer register.

When we are ready we won't hesitate to quit a job, run up a debt etc.

 

[Aim]

Hounestsly , since I can't speak for anyone here, since we all have our preferences. But if you ask me, determined and acceptance are two words that gives me some kind of strength. Hope you fiend your way. Either in living or dying

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired and frustrated of being in that situation. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.