rj3542
Member
- Jun 27, 2024
- 86
I had done a good job distancing myself and pushing everyone away.
My ex has been staying with me. I broke up with him hoping it would hurt him less when I ctb but he's still in love with me. We had an incredible connection and he's the only person in my life who has ever really loved me. Over the past couple days, he has been telling me how much he loves me, how he doesn't want life without me, and has been very physically affectionate. I finally caved, after 6 months of no physical contact. We kissed, and one thing led to another.
But I have bipolar I and it's been degenerative, with bigger and more frequent swings, which has ruined my life. I also have progressive physical health issues. The truth is, I need a caretaker and there's no one in my life in the position to do that. I've really thought this through and planned down to the last details, my will, beneficiaries, etc.
He says wants me in his life no matter what that brings, but he also can't be my caretaker (and I don't want him to have to do that). I don't think he has a clue how this progresses or what that looks like. He just keep telling me to figure out what I want. I know what I want, but I'm not capable of making it happen or of working anymore. I'm living off savings for now.
Now, I hate myself for giving him hope. At least before I could keep him away emotionally even though I could see his heart was breaking.
I feel like it's either shatter his heart now with Su and he may never recover or his heart can slowly die as he watches me decline over time. At least now I still have enough of myself to end things. If I don't, I know the road leads to homelessness and worse mental illness for me.
How do you handle the knowing how much it will break others heart who love you?
My ex has been staying with me. I broke up with him hoping it would hurt him less when I ctb but he's still in love with me. We had an incredible connection and he's the only person in my life who has ever really loved me. Over the past couple days, he has been telling me how much he loves me, how he doesn't want life without me, and has been very physically affectionate. I finally caved, after 6 months of no physical contact. We kissed, and one thing led to another.
But I have bipolar I and it's been degenerative, with bigger and more frequent swings, which has ruined my life. I also have progressive physical health issues. The truth is, I need a caretaker and there's no one in my life in the position to do that. I've really thought this through and planned down to the last details, my will, beneficiaries, etc.
He says wants me in his life no matter what that brings, but he also can't be my caretaker (and I don't want him to have to do that). I don't think he has a clue how this progresses or what that looks like. He just keep telling me to figure out what I want. I know what I want, but I'm not capable of making it happen or of working anymore. I'm living off savings for now.
Now, I hate myself for giving him hope. At least before I could keep him away emotionally even though I could see his heart was breaking.
I feel like it's either shatter his heart now with Su and he may never recover or his heart can slowly die as he watches me decline over time. At least now I still have enough of myself to end things. If I don't, I know the road leads to homelessness and worse mental illness for me.
How do you handle the knowing how much it will break others heart who love you?
