Well. Money was money. Shit was shit. People were people.
At it wouldn't change how I felt. It wouldn't change the abuse, it wouldn't change the repeated abuse, it would change the destruction of my life. It wouldn't change how I feel or how I felt. It wouldn't change the attention competition that people kept "playing."
It would've enabled me to get the fuck through college without being repeatedly raped and dragged around when I was 19.
I made a lot when I did 3 jobs and full time school. I had narrowly ducked, dodged, and avoided death that year but it was met with complete devastation and repeated problems because of evil people. I had every intent of giving what I bought to whoever, whenever. I wondered if my mother would "love" me or "care" or stop telling me how worthless I was or that I wasn't "good enough." That she'd never go to my graduation if I ever did graduate. It really hurt my feelings. I felt like committing suicide. I felt invisible at home even when I wasn't living with her. All of her prying and poking and fucking with me went too far. 2017 was a bad year. I was poisoned.
It only went from bad to worse. Everything was stolen. It was supposed to be given away. Greedy people! What the fuck? Wasting money and time. Just wasting it. Everything to stalk, lie, steal, break my life to crumbling pieces. All about THEM and what THEY wanted. Like I was some sort of possession and not a person. Oh the betrayal.
2018? That mass overdose? Oh fuck yeah and we all know why.
2019? I was "late for a very important date" with someone. Would've been better off. "Say whatever. Take all the glory with you."
"There is no glory in this."
Well, I left, and things got "better" for a short time, only to be met by the destruction of my terrible family and their evil fuckin "game".
I kept putting up with toxic jobs and an abusive partner,
Stood "strong" in 2020. Only for shit disturbing roommates and a crappy employer to lie and accuse and steal and nag and prod, especially when I was taking time off due to a death. And the "relatives" and "system" making that situation so much worse.
2021. Finally, it took forever. I got "out" of a bad situation. It was a relief. But I was met by the same ignorance, same bullshit, same attention competition. Same "oh please keep talking I just want to hear mooooore." Yeah? You left? Must be a good reason to steal your phones and your vehicle and whatever out of it.
Now it's almost over. Wow.
"Holiday time."
You watch the hours and the minutes go by, but PTSD and flashbacks just "consume" your existence.
You're in a "tunnel."
People "casually observe" as you wash windows.
Yeah. Casually observing. Right.
Just like when you would sleep or eat, oh it's so fascinating.
Just like before. How fucking annoying. Staring. Prying.
They say I'm "out of it now."
That doesn't bring me justice.
I still feel like committing suicide.
I wish I could've had a better time in my adolescent years and less abuse in my teenage years and young adult years.
It wasn't okay that they kept buying and sending crap and "convincing" me to deal with an abuser all the time or that I couldn't get out of his abuse.
Nothing would change any of it.
It's just too late, and my self esteem in the garbage.
I tried to "profile" the "why" behind a lot of things and there was never really an answer outside of "insanity."
It wasn't my imagination.
Nothing new.
I wish I could hit a "reset" button and have all the wasted time and effort back.
The wasted words and the wasted breath.
I feel terrible.
Ready for another overdose.
It sucks big time.