Discussion How should I leave my letters without hurting my family?

[bluecatseverywhere]

I'm a 19yo french, with two little brothers that I love more than anyone. I'm far from being the perfect sister but I try my best, and recently the oldest (14yo) told me about his suicidal thoughts. He begged me not to tell our parents. I take him to the psychologist and share more with him than I used to, we even made a metal band where we both play guitar even tho we're not that good. I swear I try my best to stay for him but it's really exhausting, I can't handle this whole situation and beside it I truly want to end my life since such a long time... I feel like I'm holding both of us with broken arms.

I have spent the past three months writing pages and pages about people that hurt me so bad they shouldn't be allowed to be free. One of them lives on my campus, of course he's not a student and just uses the appartement to deal drugs and pay minors to give him head. In these pages there is the dates, the location of the events and their names, address, etc.

I can't stay alive longer, Ive waited years to see if it was "just a phase", but I'm suffering more and more everyday and have no one to talk to. I don't hate my parents, my dad and I are like friends and my mom tries her best.

I really need the pages I wrote to be read. But if i want justice to be done while being dead it means that my family will have to go through this fight instead of me, and knowing their mental state it would lead them to live a nightmare.

Should I send the documents to the police? If it's anonymous my family shouldn't be affected, but my report wouldn't be taken seriously.

I'm not scared of dying because I know it is the only way out, it would be a true relief. But I'm terrified of the consequences, particularly for my little brother and my dad.

I wanna end it all peacefully, for my family and myself. I'm planning on taking a hotel room so they won't be the ones to discover my body.

 

[Mistake Fox]

I think you should give the documents to the police, and just hag a little bit more to see if they take it seriously, i don't think your family will be affected by the report, i mean i don't live in france so i have no idea of what the laws are like there but, if you chose to not go anon on the report, they probably will wanna talk to you, so just send it in and hang a bit to see what happends, and then you take it from there

 

[AllMyDreams]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know everything about your situation, but yeah it sounds like it couldn't hurt to wait and see if the police does anything.

Also, if you're suffering because of people who hurt you, is there a reason you can't talk openly to your parents about what happened? Because it sounds like your parents will find out in some way no matter what. You're lucky to have parents who are friends with you or even who try their best- so many parents just wouldn't care, or wouldn't have the time to listen.

 

[WeepingWillow]

Greetings Blue,

First I'd like to offer my sympathies for what you've been through. It sounds like you may be suffering from some post traumatic stresses. I really want to encourage you to consider counseling beyond that of just a psychololgist and look into victim support networks. There are really promising novel therapies emerging involving MDMA and other psychotropics. I'm not saying you don't have the option of CTB but I think you need to exhaust other options first especially because of a loving family that unfortunately will suffer greatly should you execute your plan. Moreover, I know it is very hard thing to face and can be really scary but I think whoever harmed you in this way needs to be put away so they dont do this to others. If you can find the strength to walk into the police station and give a report detailed exactly what happened hopefully you can prevent the suffering of others like yourself. Consider this, CTB is a permanent solution to what may be a chapter of your life that you someday may be able to put behind you. Sadly your brother who has already expressed suical ideations will certainly be impacted irrevocably. Anyway just my 2 cents. I really hope you find peace of mind whatever path you choose and really do wish you the very best..