Discussion how open are you about your depression?

[Hibiki]

today i told my therapist that i don't feel like i belong anywhere, or that i feel out of place most of the time, regardless of whom i'm with. she suggested i open up to my friends about my depression since i said that was the main reason i felt this way. i suppose she was just very adamant about it, as if it were the only way i could feel closer with my friends, but i just don't see how it could help.

apparently, hiding my depression from my friends is preventing me from being my true self around them, and i guess i can see where she's coming from because i feel like i often can't add to my friends' conversations—i said in an earlier post of mine that "i can't think of a single thing to talk about because all that goes through my head are sexual and suicidal thoughts." the main friends i hang out with at school bond with me through showing me an anime they really like, which is neat, but i feel like:
1) i don't get the opportunity to share my own interests with them... not just because they're too excited to get me into theirs, but also because i don't even know what i would say if i had the chance to talk about mine. i don't feel nearly as much joy talking about my interests as i used to. i'm a soulless husk of a creature.
2) i'll never get any closer with them than i am now because literally all we talk about is this very anime, and when we don't i am silent. i don't know how to get to know them as people better, and i don't know how to get them to know me. do i even want them to? what is there to know about me besides the fact that i'm a stupid mutt who craves nothing but sex and death? what do i even offer; what do they get out of being my friend? opening up about my depression would just make me even more of a burden.

however, my boyfriend does know about my depression. he knows everything. my "close" friends from high school know too, but they only found out because they were already close enough to me to the point where it just came out naturally (also, one of these friends stopped talking to me specifically because of my suicidal thoughts). how did i manage to reach that point in our friendship back then? i genuinely don't know or remember. how can i reach that point with my current/new friends? i don't know how to make friends.

i loathe talking about my feelings, at least in depth, and i don't want my friends to feel like they need to care about me specifically because i'm depressed. and it's so stupid, so contradictory, because i literally parade around with my sh scars on full display. it's not like i'm hiding anything on purpose; i just don't find certain things worth saying. is that so wrong? surely there's another way, right?

what about you all? do you like opening up to loved ones about your depression? what experiences have you had from doing so? i have this feeling that a lot of us tend not to, because we automatically assume most people don't understand, or we just don't want to burden others... but i don't really know.

tl;dr: my therapist told me to tell my friends about my depression in order to feel closer with them/strengthen our friendship and i want to know if this is genuinely good advice and how many others have done the same thing

official art from blue archive

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry about the difficulty you have with talking to your friends~ >_< idk how to talk to people irl much either tbh~ :( I just lack common interests with others, so even tho I'll listen to all their stuff, they see no attachment to be made with me and leave~ :( as such, well, I'm open about my depression with basically everyone I talk to (SS)~ xD
and then, there's work where you're not allowed to be depressed ofc~ idk~ I think I had a chance to talk about it recently when someone asked, but it was rather complicated in that instance (nsfw-related), so I chose just to dodge it instead~
ngl, being without friends tho, there's no reason to make myself less appealing than I alreayd am~ :( it just rather sucks to have to pretend all the time~ :/

 

[monetpompo]

my therapist told me to tell my friends about my depression in order to feel closer with them/strengthen our friendship and i want to know if this is genuinely good advice and how many others have done the same thing

i think that you should actually NOT tell the people you're close to about your depression. it depends on the way you say it, and also how open they seem to discussing mental health. it seems like since you don't have much to talk about with them besides surface level stuff like anime, so i think you need to know them longer to discuss stuff like that. since it would be seen as oversharing to most normal folks. i know people can bond by having similar struggles/dealing with depression, but it can also be seen as offputting to people that haven't dealt with the same thing. with my trans friends, i can connect with them by talking about the inherent loneliness that stems from my identity. but that's a different dynamic than the norm. i do get the mindset that would lead to your therapist thinking "hiding my depression from my friends is preventing me from being my true self around them", but depression is naturally touchier than small talk.

1) i don't get the opportunity to share my own interests with them... not just because they're too excited to get me into theirs, but also because i don't even know what i would say if i had the chance to talk about mine. i don't feel nearly as much joy talking about my interests as i used to. i'm a soulless husk of a creature.
2) i'll never get any closer with them than i am now because literally all we talk about is this very anime, and when we don't i am silent. i don't know how to get to know them as people better, and i don't know how to get them to know me. do i even want them to?

you've got to talk about your interests anyways, broham. that's how you have conversations and bond with people, even if it sounds simpler than it really is. i don't have a lot of common interests with my friends, but i enjoy having anything to talk about with them because i like hanging out with them. think about your conversations with your boyfriend and try to adapt them into conversations you can have with your friends, since you already tell him everything. when i still had a close friend, i used my relationship with him as a basis for what i can talk about with others. since i still felt pretty self conscious about opening myself up to people.

i think that you do want to know them better. it's the hedgehog's dilemma, where you want to get close with them but you're afraid of them not liking you if you become more vulnerable. i kind of come off as mysterious when i'm not open about my feelings. i have to make sure i don't say self loathing things or overshare about the things i've been fixating on at home, and just try to enjoy the moment. i'm very bad at enjoying the moment, so i'm a hypocrite. being able to be present is something i get told a lot because i put myself down in my head and overanalyze my thoughts while a person talks.

how can i reach that point with my current/new friends?

talking about more stuff, doing stuff with them. there's no easy answer besides time, since that makes people closer. i have kind of an easy time bonding with people (ish) but i also ghost people when i get anxious. i feel like there's an outer layer and an inner layer that i'm ashamed of. i say a lot of things without thinking. some people find that endearing. people consider me a good person to be around because i like to listen, and i'm funny, so i have that going for me even though i feel like i don't have any "good" friends. i just don't seem to have anything in common with anyone to be close enough with people.

the best thing to do is be a good person, even if me explaining it might not make any sense. a mental trick i tried to do when i felt afraid or like i should just close myself off is act my sister, who has lots of friends and believes in herself. i don't know if you have anyone like that. she kind of changes her whole attitude to be more confident, even if she really isn't, so i want to try and emulate that even if i'm super scared inside.

what about you all? do you like opening up to loved ones about your depression? what experiences have you had from doing so?

with the people that i'm close to who know about it, they know-know about it. it's pretty embarrassing because they're so actuely aware of it. my sister only knows bits and pieces, like my rope and stool and how i hate our mom. it's tough not feeling like i'm a burden to the people who know about it, since i try to push them away a lot. but it's nice knowing they don't hate me no matter how much i think i'm a garbage person. most people aren't gonna be mentally equipped, and sometimes you'll have to reassure them you won't kill yourself or that you're "getting better", even if you're just lying. most people can't grasp that recovery isn't a linear process. i also get kind of fed up with stupid lovey frou-frou "every day is beautiful" nonsense.

mental health is expectedly a landmine. the safest way to have a conversation about it is in private, in a relaxed environment. i usually only have 1 on 1 conversations about it. i'll never talk about it to people (MEN) that would downplay the way i've been feeling. i'd never want to talk about my depression around a guy because he'd just say to go to the gym or some nonsense.

 

[sadworm]

today i told my therapist that i don't feel like i belong anywhere, or that i feel out of place most of the time, regardless of whom i'm with. she suggested i open up to my friends about my depression since i said that was the main reason i felt this way. i suppose she was just very adamant about it, as if it were the only way i could feel closer with my friends, but i just don't see how it could help.

apparently, hiding my depression from my friends is preventing me from being my true self around them, and i guess i can see where she's coming from because i feel like i often can't add to my friends' conversations—i said in an earlier post of mine that "i can't think of a single thing to talk about because all that goes through my head are sexual and suicidal thoughts." the main friends i hang out with at school bond with me through showing me an anime they really like, which is neat, but i feel like:
1) i don't get the opportunity to share my own interests with them... not just because they're too excited to get me into theirs, but also because i don't even know what i would say if i had the chance to talk about mine. i don't feel nearly as much joy talking about my interests as i used to. i'm a soulless husk of a creature.
2) i'll never get any closer with them than i am now because literally all we talk about is this very anime, and when we don't i am silent. i don't know how to get to know them as people better, and i don't know how to get them to know me. do i even want them to? what is there to know about me besides the fact that i'm a stupid mutt who craves nothing but sex and death? what do i even offer; what do they get out of being my friend? opening up about my depression would just make me even more of a burden.

however, my boyfriend does know about my depression. he knows everything. my "close" friends from high school know too, but they only found out because they were already close enough to me to the point where it just came out naturally (also, one of these friends stopped talking to me specifically because of my suicidal thoughts). how did i manage to reach that point in our friendship back then? i genuinely don't know or remember. how can i reach that point with my current/new friends? i don't know how to make friends.

i loathe talking about my feelings, at least in depth, and i don't want my friends to feel like they need to care about me specifically because i'm depressed. and it's so stupid, so contradictory, because i literally parade around with my sh scars on full display. it's not like i'm hiding anything on purpose; i just don't find certain things worth saying. is that so wrong? surely there's another way, right?

what about you all? do you like opening up to loved ones about your depression? what experiences have you had from doing so? i have this feeling that a lot of us tend not to, because we automatically assume most people don't understand, or we just don't want to burden others... but i don't really know.

tl;dr: my therapist told me to tell my friends about my depression in order to feel closer with them/strengthen our friendship and i want to know if this is genuinely good advice and how many others have done the same thing

official art from blue archive

I totally get what your therapist means to an extent , but I also very much empathize with your point of view. I also think it's unfair for her to imply that your depression is inherently tied into your self identity. I used to be far more open about my depression and it resulted in it being used against me in arguments, people talking bad about me, and generally thinking things I didnt want them to think about me. it made people think I was attention seeking when I was really just looking for connection. I don't think there is any way to phrase it that won't make people think you're just begging for attention, that's why I stopped being as open about it. which means, no posting about it on social media in any sense, but it's ok to tell people you've been going through a rough time in general. don't give them any details, they don't want to know. the most you can say is I've been depressed lately, and even that is a stretch outside of most people's comfort zones when it comes to small talk. I used to post on a private snapchat story like 4 years ago and I was constantly oversharing and it just made everybody think I was pathetic and crazy. it's better for them not to know, especially if they're not super close friends. people have said mental illness has been de stigmatized , but it very much has not based on my personal experience. people do not want to know you're depressed or struggling in any way. it makes them uncomfortable and makes them think you're overwhelming and a liability to have in their life. people didn't want to be around me when I was open about my mental state. nobody wants to be friends with somebody that doesn't appreciate life, so sadly, the only thing that has worked for me is avoidance and lying. being depressed WILL be used against you if you get into any kind of disagreement, and that's why it's better to keep it hidden, so people take you more seriously. and when it comes to loved ones, for me it's the same case. my mom got so exhausted hearing about it and dealing with it that now any time she is reminded of my mental illness she gets very angry at me. it's better to keep it between yourself and a few trusted individuals that you are certain won't abandon you when you're at your lowest. please know that everything I have just said is an extremely pessimistic outlook on this, I don't think I'm necessarily right at all, this is just my personal experience. I'm sure the world is far less cruel in reality. take all the feedback into consideration but definitely do not consider mine as the most realistic of all the replies lol. I'm sure the people in your life don't actually see you as a liability and stuff, probably not with me either, I just can't help but feel that way most of the time. I hope the world is kinder than I think it is . I wish you luck and I hope you can find people to open up to, they do exist. sending love

 

[Irisse]

My family knows that I'm depressed and suicidal while my friend only knows about depression. I had another friend back in high school and when I told her about my suicidality she stopped hanging out with me. Never again will I be dumb enough to trust someone with this information.

 

[NutOrat]

I actually hate that I have this impulse to tell others, to constantly show when I'm not ok, even if just with small gestures, expressions, and whatnot. No matter how hard I try, I can't hold it in. I know it's super toxic masculinity, but I often want to be more like my brother, who is also very much not ok, but he always keeps it in. He can't share, even if he wanted to. I wish I could "do the thing that men do", and just ignore it, "suck it up, be a man" for once. It makes me want to vomit, but I also just wish I was a normie so I never had these thoughts in the first place.

 

[Greyhawk]

I don't talk about it with my friends at all. I opened up to my parents a while ago about my depression but didn't really tell them how serious it is and nothing about how close I was to suicide. I've kind of talked about these when I've been drinking but people always want to change the topic or tell me to cheer up so I've completely given up on that.

Some friends might be empathetic towards you and some friends are not. It's pretty much impossible to know for sure. They don't really sound like people who are empathetic and able to have serious conversations if they don't care about listening to your interests. I can of course be reading too much into that but I'm sure it would help to have friends who you can talk about this stuff.

I actually hate that I have this impulse to tell others, to constantly show when I'm not ok, even if just with small gestures, expressions, and whatnot. No matter how hard I try, I can't hold it in. I know it's super toxic masculinity, but I often want to be more like my brother, who is also very much not ok, but he always keeps it in. He can't share, even if he wanted to. I wish I could "do the thing that men do", and just ignore it, "suck it up, be a man" for once. It makes me want to vomit, but I also just wish I was a normie so I never had these thoughts in the first place.

I wish I could be like that too. My dad has suffered really bad stress, anxiety and insomnia but I admire how he can still always do what needs to be done.

 

[venerated-vader]

Yeah anyone who gets within arms reach of me emotionally speaking, gets the hint pretty fast that there are some things i just can't maintain. I used to mention it at work because I'd miss so many days, and the whole 'i don't feel well' approach stopped making sense the third consecutive monday I called out... lol.

My partner gets to hear about how miserable I am whenever it lasts long enough to be significant. I like checking in with them, and with my friends, because it's really easy to make assumptions when someone's quieter or more withdrawn than usual. I also hope they'd do that with me, because I mean if anyone's not gonna judge them, its gonna be my suicidal ass lol.

But some things are best kept private until you're ready. If your self esteem / stability is going to be destabilized if you get a bad response from your friends, then don't tell them. It'll only make things worse if you tell them and they ignore you, pass over the topic, make it 'not a big deal', or say something that triggers you unintentionally.

So if you do decide to tell them, consider the worst response you can get, like the thing that'll upset you the most. And if you can get that reply without spiralling into the ditch (Ie having a panic attack, experiencing severe suicidal ideation, engaging in SH, etc) , you're probably alright to share from an emotional standpint.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I talk to my partner and 2 other people I trust about my depression and how I really feel. My mom knows I am depressed but I don't talk to her at all about it because she doesn't want to listen and will only ridicule me.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I opened up to my parents about my depression and instead of compassion, they said that it was my fault that I was depressed. I got no help and support from them, the actually made my depression worse for a brief time. I talked to my brother too and he didn't help me at all, he just said that life is like that- difficult. I had a so-called fried who is autistic like me, and when I opened up to him he had no reaction at all, it was like i was talking to a wall , not a person, zero emotions. After this I never spoke to anyone about my depression. I kept it locked up inside me. Instead I bought one by one all the things I needed for my SN method.

 

[FoxSauce]

Well before i was officially diagnosed Indidnt feel like ibwanted to express how I really felt.

I was always on my own and learned to keep my feelings inside cuz i thought it would be better.

Some freinds i have (irl and online) know about that. At the beggining i didnt tell anyone due to stigma and well being called weak.

Family found out after well my hospitalizations (2) . I wanted to keep it as private as possible.

Now, I can be ooen but not with everyone tho sometimes impulsively overshare that i regret later but oh well.

 

[grandmotherboxing]

Very. I kept it bottled up for a long time so it's better to be honest. Anyone close to me knows about my ctb attempts and my hospitalization, that I am on medication etc.

My therapist didnt tell me to do this, I just couldn't bottle it in anymore. This has helped filter out many who would cause me problems in the future. But its not a catch-all

there are issues i have caused myself this way. Being kept longer in a psych ward (i think? I still have some memory loss), being unable to purchase and own firearms, unable to work certain jobs...

but oh well.

Of course for some people this does nothing to change their awful attitude towards me

 

[chernobylmosqut]

I'm an open book pretty much. Unless they're a mandated reporter I have nothing to hide. Personally, I don't see the point in masking my depression or lying about my plans. It doesn't really affect me and if the other person is uncomfortable that's not my problem. That's just life.

 

[hiiiii]

my entire family knows due to multiple failed suicide attempts + hospitalizations + my mom considers that whole saga a part of her own backstory so she has told a lot of ppl about it in the name of intimacy. it has been so awkward for me like entering social situations with a new person and they have this extremely personal information about me while i know literally nothing about them... and then they talk to me like i have dementia because i'm a Crazy Person. it's exhausting. not really sure how to ask her to stop or if i really even have a right to ask her since my attempts really did deeply affect her. i haven't gone into detail about any of my depression/ideation stuff with my friends, but i think they know for sure. or maybe the entire friend group is getting older and cynical so we just kind of assume everyone else is feeling the same way?
i do kind of agree with your therapist that not being super open about your depression can negatively affect your relationships in that they are missing super vital context that might shine some light on your behavior/traits/mannerisms (not all bad!), but i also agree with a lot of the people in this thread. people THINK they want to know, but i think they really want the knowledge that they personally can not be blamed when something goes wrong or a person actually CTB. or 9/10 they are just not prepared to handle that kind of thing and will not know how to react to or engage with a suicidal person, especially a suicidal loved one. this is basically the only place that i publicly speak about any of this stuff now because it has been so exhausting having to hold and navigate other people's emotions while i'm going through my own shit. my mom specifically is very worried about me, so i will vaguely allude to being a little bit sad but not actively in crisis mode or trying to CTB, and i'm using my coping skills and Doing Better and blah blah blah. i've been thinking about this specific thing a lot lately. like how much info do we owe our family/loved ones? and do they even benefit from knowing these things about us?

 

[continuing]

i undertand that, i keep thinking if i should tell my friends or not, for you i recommend doing that, i know it must feel scary, but is going to help you, belive me.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Personally I try to keep this shit as close to the chest as possible, but I worry it leaks out because I'm just an attention seeking loser lmao. But I've never really seen a point in opening up about my depression, because like, it's not like they can do anything about it and it's not really a very interesting thing about me. I feel like it will just change their perception of me for the worse. I honestly can't think of a time in my life where I've felt good after opening up. I feel like the shame is just built in.

If it's a recommendation from your therapist, it's worth considering. I don't wanna encourage you to ignore a medical pro who knows a lot about your personal situation. But if you want to be closer with your friends, I don't think that means you have to open up about your depression exactly. I think one of the best ways to open up, is to express things in terms of goals. Screw "I'm depressed", say "I'm trying to work on my self image." I know it sounds stupid, but one of those is just a confession about you, the other one is a problem you're trying to solve, that opens them up to contribute. You can ask them what they like about themselves, shit like that. Being vulnerable about your problems is a way people get close, but I think the way to do it is to phrase it in terms of the solutions, the trying.

And at the end of the day, if you think there's nothing about yourself to open up about aside from your flaws, being a close friend isn't a one way street. You can always try being there for them, sharing your interest about their personal lives, and making it clear you support them if they're struggling. I think most of 'closeness' with a friend, isn't knowing that you can call them up on the worst day of your life, and that they'll drive straight over with a bottle of a wine and a hug, but the fact that they expect the same thing of you. So one way to become a close friend is to just be a good friend. And to do that you usually don't have to do anything more than just being a kind and empathetic person.

Anyways, I feel your struggle. I haven't had a close friend in years it feels like. Only people I've opened up to like that are people I've dated. So it's a struggle for sure.

 

[Nightfoot]

I've only opened up about my depression with my parents, brother, therapist, psychiatrist and a few lifelong friends who kind of already knew I wasn't my usual self. I don't think I would tell new friends or people I hadn't already been close to for a long time. I think people with a stronger emotional investment in the relationship would be more understanding and less likely to respond in a negative way. Most people don't understand depression and don't know what to say or do to help and that can be uncomfortable for them.

 

[Arvayn]

I've made a full recovery and I am well now, but when I was majorly depressed and psychotic, I told basically everybody that asked. Some of them responded negatively, others responded positively; in the end, I didn't really care, as from my point of view, their feelings on the matter wouldn't change the validity of my justification for why I was slipping up and acting unlike myself.
My mother, who is currently still struggling with depression in her own right and has contemplated death before if not for my existence, was the one that had the most helpful response. She tried all sorts of things: aromatherapy, emotionally affirming care, paying for visits to the psychologist, at one point she even offered me psychedelics in the form of sage incense (it helped a lot).

It's not all sunshine and rainbows, though. Nowadays, people generally view me as more incompetent and divorced from reality, and incapable of tending to myself no matter how often I stress to them that I have recovered.