Discussion How old were you (if you remember) the first time you wanted to end your own life?

[theboy]

16 i guess

 

[Illegal Preclear]

10. I remember the exact day, too. We got a tornado warning for my area (turned out to be false, we never get tornados where I live) - and my plan was that if the tornado came, I was going to jump straight into the heart of the cyclone. Like I said, the tornado never came, but I'll always remember that as the day I came to terms with the fact that the only way out of an Autistic, Schizophrenic, permanently disabled half-life was to CTB, and that conclusion stuck with me ever since. It was one of the most lucid moments I've ever had in my life.

 

[Ampsvx123]

Must have been 4-5, i tried to cut my veins with a plastic knife. Childhood years were worthless years, i would not relive any of them. My life has been great pass them and full of great wisdom and joy, i had it really good compare to most here, there is no bitterness.

 

[LifeTransit_1]

25 now... wanted to end it since 16 y/o

 

[teajay1]

11. got worse at 15.

 

[Amnesiac_88]

15, but ever since i was a kid i always thought my existence was kind of pointless

 

[3/4Dead]

i usually say 8 but now that im thinking about it probably around 6 or 7.

My mom is terminally ill, and I'd started processing what death was from a reaaaally early age (my brain developed very quickly so I know by the time i was 5 her inevitable death was just a common fact for me) and I'd been having full on panic attacks brought on by these existential crisis episodes I was having. When I was maybe 6 or so was probably actually the first time I first seriously anted to die, all things considered. it was probably not meant super seriously at the time but I know when I was eight I first started /planning/ to die, and it's just been around ever since

 

[dragonofenvy]

I was 8 when I first thought about it. Seems like a lot of people were around-ish that age. Really sad that many of us had such bad childhoods that at an age where we're supposed to think about school and playing we're thinking about ending our lives and that if we got help, it clearly wasn't enough for us. What can you do when you're that young though :/

 

[halleyscomet]

I was 23. Just a month after my b-day, when I read that SMS that she doesn't love me and doesn't wanna see me anymore because of that (what kind of a bitch gets mad that you love her and spits in your face with anger for that?!). I can't even put in words what I felt at that moment but that's the first time I wanted to end my life and began trying to do

i was about 7 or 8, i became aware of mortality pretty quickly even tho i didn't have any deaths growing up. i just always wondered what the point in life was and prayed every night to ctb.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

13- mental health deteriorated with eyesight

 

[DarkFriend.]

I was 13 when my dark friend reared his ugly head.

Or maybe he's beautiful. Still trying to figure that one out.

 

[Kurai]

27 life fucked up

 

[Deadfrogwalking]

50 years ago, I was 8.
Remember it so clearly to this day.
My parents where fighting, drunk as usual, they where violent too each other almost daily.
Heard the nights rotation start from my bedroom, trying to sleep, ran into my sister's room and grabbed her up, stuffed her under the bed and crawled under next to her, putting my hands over her ears.
Just listening to the screaming things getting broken......
Knowing when one of them finally passed out me and little sister where next.
My dad used to like grabbing a fishing pole and swinging on us.
Mom's weapon of choice was a piece of Hot Wheels track.
We would usually lose a couple days of school while healing up.
Never have gotten over it.
Still cry to this day when I think about that night.
Never going to understand why people have children when they can't get their own acts together first.

 

[Forever Sleep]

10. Multiple deaths in my close family by then and growing up with a (suspected) narcissist.

 

[hadenough58]

I was 39 and a life event changed my whole prospective of life, I will be 66 this year and I fight the urge to ctb each and every day to different degrees from briefly thinking about it to planning for it.

 

[JustGiveNovacaine]

I guess 13. Many attempts after that.

 

[Valso]

50 years ago, I was 8.
Remember it so clearly to this day.
My parents where fighting, drunk as usual, they where violent too each other almost daily.
Heard the nights rotation start from my bedroom, trying to sleep, ran into my sister's room and grabbed her up, stuffed her under the bed and crawled under next to her, putting my hands over her ears.
Just listening to the screaming things getting broken......
Knowing when one of them finally passed out me and little sister where next.
My dad used to like grabbing a fishing pole and swinging on us.
Mom's weapon of choice was a piece of Hot Wheels track.
We would usually lose a couple days of school while healing up.
Never have gotten over it.
Still cry to this day when I think about that night.
Never going to understand why people have children when they can't get their own acts together first.

Such people should be castrated and never allowed to procreate.
I guess I was lucky that my father walked on us when I was 2 but even if he hadn't, he was a calm and peaceful man. I think I got my pacifism from him.

 

[wiinterfrost]

i was around 13 although the thoughts started when i was 11 but i didn't understand them then.
due to trauma i have almost no memory from my childhood years but i have a distinct memory of taking a kitchen knife and wanting to stab myself. actually i imagined so often that a knife was repeatedly stabbing me several times a day for yeeears (even before the incident at 13) and i felt relief at that thought sometimes

 

[SolitudeMan]

Probably around 15 years old is when i first had suicidal thoughts.