Discussion How old were you (if you remember) the first time you wanted to end your own life?

[Valso]

I was 23. Just a month after my b-day, when I read that SMS that she doesn't love me and doesn't wanna see me anymore because of that (what kind of a bitch gets mad that you love her and spits in your face with anger for that?!). I can't even put in words what I felt at that moment but that's the first time I wanted to end my life and began trying to do it.

 

[Malaria]

I was eight years old, I was being bullied by my classmates. I told them I was going to stab myself, which made them bully me even harder.

 

[Meteora]

15

 

[Sylveon]

I might be wrong, but I vaguely remember I was 15 at that time; it was during the pandemic that I finally decided to contemplate my life for the first time, and my future looked "miserable" to me despite being objectively pretty decent; I believe it merely stemmed from my low self-esteem issues during that time (which I still have, BTW, lol).

I pretty much just shrugged it off and went on about my life, almost forgetting about that day until an obscure episode of paranoia hit me about two years later and screwed me up, or at least that's the closest term I can think of to explain it...

 

[an_alias]

12

 

[derpyderpins]

I was 12. Didn't attempt because I believed in God and thought I'd go to hell. Incredible that I was 12 and planning my suicide and no one ever realized something was wrong because my grades were good.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that ever since I became aware of what death was I wished for it, I've only ever found comfort in the thought of eternal nothingness, all that sounds appealing to me is an dreamless and eternal sleep where all is finally forgotten about.
My wish to die is simply a result of becoming aware of how truly undesirable existence is, no matter what existence itself will always be the true problem and more than anything I wish I never existed at all. I'll always prefer the true peace of eternal nothingness to having the ability to suffer in this cruel, meaningless existence.

 

[INTJme]

4

 

[steppingoff]

14-15 thought about it - attempted when I was 16

 

[livingwishtodie]

8 years old

 

[Valso]

no one ever realized something was wrong because my grades were good.

I know that feeling. My mother never knew I was in love and that later I was heartbroken. She couldn't even guess it and I was (still am) good at hiding my feelings and emotions - years of practice cuz my mom and my sister aren't people you can share such things with, so everything was burried somewhere in the back of my mind, holding everything inside. And my father was never in the picture. My grades were both good and bad but around these parts of the world school grades are no indication of anything going on, so no one was the wiser something was wrong.

I might be wrong, but I vaguely remember I was 15 at that time; it was during the pandemic that I finally decided to contemplate my life for the first time, and my future looked "miserable" to me despite being objectively pretty decent; I believe it merely stemmed from my low self-esteem issues during that time (which I still have, BTW, lol).

The pandemic was pretty recent, that means you're still young. Try living with low self-esteem (because of all the girls from kindergarden until university cuz all of them kept telling me I was ugly and no woman would want me) for 40 years. You'll get used to it eventually. To the point you wouldn't care anymore and/or, like me, stop trusting people almost entirely.

 

[livingwishtodie]

4

I doubt it bro too young
but still it can be true cause I dont what you have been through

 

[justcallmeJ]

When i was very young i always tried to ctb by using the wall outlet. I tried poking things in it hoping i die of electrical shock, but nothing worked and eventually my parents put a safety system on every outlet. I dont even know why i was like that, i just couldnt handle minor inconveniences i guess xd

 

[INTJme]

I doubt it bro too young
but still it can be true cause I dont what you have been through

When I was 4, I saw a homeless man walk into a wall, fall down and have a seizure while blood gushed down his forehead. He was likely having an epileptic fit. Of course I didn't know any of this back then. Back then, my 4 y.o. brain's assumption was, "this is what happens to poor people." Mind you, while we weren't poor ourselves, we were still lower middle-class. I fell sick for three days and missed kindergarten. I also remember feeling scared and guilty for some reason, so I didn't tell my parents what was bothering me that got me sick; as an introvert, I internalised everything.

This, in addition to, having a genetic component of depression. While I agree that I didn't know about the concept of suicide back then, I used to tell myself along the lines of, "I wish I didn't exist." I would qualify that as feeling suicidal especially since it was coupled with the feelings of immense sadness, shame, and hopelessness.

 

[Forveleth]

I don't remember when I first thought about it (my depression started around 12 so probably then?) but at 15 I told my parents I was thinking about it.

It's been 25+ years. It never got better. Every day I regret not following through with it.

 

[vadim]

10. I remember the first time I felt like I wanted to die, but I don't remember the specific reasons why, only that I'd had a particularly rough day in school. I was only properly bullied (as in continuously targeted every day. Just a side note; the definition of bullying I use is the one taught to me by teachers, "bullying isn't when someone is mean to you once, it's when they do it every day", which was probably just meant to get people to stop seeking their intervention in hindsight because that's not the definition in the dictionary lol) by 2 or 3 people but the majority of my class rejected and mocked me on a regular basis and it got worse as we got older. The feeling I'd always had of being a bit different and not fitting became the feeling of being hated and found repulsive by everyone. I'd say the main reason for me wanting to kermit (overwhelming loneliness) started then.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The earliest time I can remember considering suicide was when I was 11 and my parents separated. I wasn't upset that they were gonna divorce, in fact I had long believed they should have done so already. I mainly started feeling suicidal because I wondered if I was headed down the same road because I wanted romance so badly even back then. Nineteen years later, maybe I should have just done it back then somehow to save myself from all the heartbreak I experienced.

 

[LittleCupcake]

8, Family issues was intense back then

 

[livingwishtodie]

When I was 4, I saw a homeless man walk into a wall, fall down and have a seizure while blood gushed down his forehead. He was likely having an epileptic fit. Of course I didn't know any of this back then. Back then, my 4 y.o. brain's assumption was, "this is what happens to poor people." Mind you, while we weren't poor ourselves, we were still lower middle-class. I fell sick for three days and missed kindergarten. I also remember feeling scared and guilty for some reason, so I didn't tell my parents what was bothering me that got me sick; as an introvert, I internalised everything.

This, in addition to, having a genetic component of depression. While I agree that I didn't know about the concept of suicide back then, I used to tell myself along the lines of, "I wish I didn't exist." I would qualify that as feeling suicidal especially since it was coupled with the feelings of immense sadness, shame, and hopelessness.

hugs ****

 

[gbh]

Around 10 or 11, post CSA and feeling like I had a secret I was supposed to hold for the rest of my life.
I was the kind of kid to have weird self-deprecating elementary school journal entries like "no matter what happens remember you are selfish and worthless" alongside entries about my cute crush and this years field day.

 

[junko]

12. First attempt at 13. I believe my suicidality began and was closely connected to my dad dying suddenly when I was 12

 

[AnonymousL]

The odd thing to me is that I only started having these thoughts when I was 18? maybe a tiny bit younger but not much.

The idea of killing myself never occured to me.
The idea of not wanting to exist happend quite often before that though but it wasn't in a way of ending my life.

It's odd to think about it.

I think, if I had acces to the internet back then as I do now, that i would have had these thoughts way earlier in my life. Probably around the age of 12.

 

[greebo6]

Probably about 16.

 

[manic-dream]

I was twelve. I don't know why exactly anymore I just remember I hated living and I didn't want to grow into an adult.

 

[Christopher Reeve]

I was 12 years old, I had fought with my mother and went to the bathroom to hang myself. Then at 15 years old, I felt anguish for no reason, I discovered that my cousin mutilated herself and it became our secret, it was a relief for us, today I have deep marks on my arms, which I hid, but nowadays I don't insist on wearing long sleeves, no one really cares, so I shouldn't care what they find.
At 19 I tried again, at that time there was a girl who always came home to visit me, I never reciprocated her feelings, I was in a colossal depression, due to an error at the university that I reported to, I didn't enroll, I was fine low.Finally, recently, upon realizing my sufferings without glory and how much life is empty of meaning, I almost died taking the same medicine that a friend took and died, I took a dose twice as large, I ended up in an unknown hospital and was admitted to the hospital. psychiatry for a month. As I wish I had achieved it, I feel envious of my friend who did it.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I was 14. I remember falling into a heavy depression because of my family chaos. My parents were never in tune with me. They always just shouted at me or shamed me to do things and wondered why it never worked. I remember writing in my diary about how I felt so depressed, and for the first time in my life, I was having serious thoughts about ending my life. I remember being shocked that I was even thinking about suicide. And I've been suicidal ever since...

 

[doomer843]

the amount of "12"'s in here is interesting. Honestly I have no recollection about what I was like when I was younger.

 

[clown_17]

13

 

[sadanon3]

I was 10

 

[Unknown21]

8 years old.