KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,682
How much does a person have to endure before their desire to die and misery is taken seriously? Will people ever see your urge to ctb as something rational, or are you doomed to be labeled as a loon because of it?
I genuinely don't know how people can keep lying to me. They think that just being alive and existing is worth it no matter how much you are suffering. They think any damage can be undone and that all wounds will heal, unless you have an acute terminal illness (chronic illnesses don't count in the eyes of vehement anti choicers)
I am seriously fed up, as I have said many times before. I wish I could ctb now but I have to wait due to my living circumstances. Being bombarded with constant platitudes, judgements, and malice does my mind no favors. It's as if people want me to feel worse, but then won't allow me to ctb. Life truly does feel like a twisted prison experiment where the guards have taken away the key and the escape route has been blocked off.
I am tired of people pretending like this mythical concept of "healing" is always possible. There are some things we can't recover from, and I've accepted that. Yet people expect you to just trudge on and get on with life as if you aren't damaged. I will always be expected to do the same tasks and go through the motions that normal people do, as if I am able bodied and neurotypical like they are.
I can tell people over and over again how I tried nearly 20 medications and how none of the drugs helped with any of my problems, but they will blame me and say I am a quitter for not taking every single pharmaceutical known to man. Its my fault that 10+ years of therapy didn't help with the ptsd that's been ingrained in me since I was only 6 years old.
I can look at my boyfriend with tears in my eyes and tell him how much physical pain I am in, and he still won't realize the severity of it because of how the medical industry and media downplays chronic pain and chronic fatigue syndrome. Doctors sneer at you and treat you like you are simply a little depressed, and in appeals to authority, your fellow man will defend this unscientific drivel over the very real pain and suffering you experience from this condition.
When I tell people what I've been through, it seems like their default response is to block it out and pretend as if what I'm saying is ludicrous. Others truly don't care if you've been sexually, physically, and mentally abused. They don't care how many of your family members are dead, or that you were groomed for years. They don't care how you suffer from disabilities. They don't care that doctors fucked you up with malpractice. All they care about is whether you are being fun, entertaining and productive or if you are being a drain.
So how much more do I have to endure before ending my suffering can be seen as justified? I have been through so much already and all of these normies act like it is nothing because they have no conception of what it feels like to be sick or to suffer years of child abuse. They will tell you everything has a cure and that you're not trying hard enough, when they never had to try to find solutions to such impossible challenges themselves.
I have lived 21 years and that's more than enough time for me to decide whether or not I like being on this rock. I should get to decide if my life is not worth living. No matter what they say, my CFS, ptsd, autism and chronic pain will not be cured and believing in magic solutions feels nothing short of delusional. Yet even this level of suffering is not enough and I will be lectured that I am mentally ill and not in my right mind for wanting to end it. Clown world!
I genuinely don't know how people can keep lying to me. They think that just being alive and existing is worth it no matter how much you are suffering. They think any damage can be undone and that all wounds will heal, unless you have an acute terminal illness (chronic illnesses don't count in the eyes of vehement anti choicers)
I am seriously fed up, as I have said many times before. I wish I could ctb now but I have to wait due to my living circumstances. Being bombarded with constant platitudes, judgements, and malice does my mind no favors. It's as if people want me to feel worse, but then won't allow me to ctb. Life truly does feel like a twisted prison experiment where the guards have taken away the key and the escape route has been blocked off.
I am tired of people pretending like this mythical concept of "healing" is always possible. There are some things we can't recover from, and I've accepted that. Yet people expect you to just trudge on and get on with life as if you aren't damaged. I will always be expected to do the same tasks and go through the motions that normal people do, as if I am able bodied and neurotypical like they are.
I can tell people over and over again how I tried nearly 20 medications and how none of the drugs helped with any of my problems, but they will blame me and say I am a quitter for not taking every single pharmaceutical known to man. Its my fault that 10+ years of therapy didn't help with the ptsd that's been ingrained in me since I was only 6 years old.
I can look at my boyfriend with tears in my eyes and tell him how much physical pain I am in, and he still won't realize the severity of it because of how the medical industry and media downplays chronic pain and chronic fatigue syndrome. Doctors sneer at you and treat you like you are simply a little depressed, and in appeals to authority, your fellow man will defend this unscientific drivel over the very real pain and suffering you experience from this condition.
When I tell people what I've been through, it seems like their default response is to block it out and pretend as if what I'm saying is ludicrous. Others truly don't care if you've been sexually, physically, and mentally abused. They don't care how many of your family members are dead, or that you were groomed for years. They don't care how you suffer from disabilities. They don't care that doctors fucked you up with malpractice. All they care about is whether you are being fun, entertaining and productive or if you are being a drain.
So how much more do I have to endure before ending my suffering can be seen as justified? I have been through so much already and all of these normies act like it is nothing because they have no conception of what it feels like to be sick or to suffer years of child abuse. They will tell you everything has a cure and that you're not trying hard enough, when they never had to try to find solutions to such impossible challenges themselves.
I have lived 21 years and that's more than enough time for me to decide whether or not I like being on this rock. I should get to decide if my life is not worth living. No matter what they say, my CFS, ptsd, autism and chronic pain will not be cured and believing in magic solutions feels nothing short of delusional. Yet even this level of suffering is not enough and I will be lectured that I am mentally ill and not in my right mind for wanting to end it. Clown world!
