Last year in October I almost attempted. I felt over my pain limit. I think I wanted to die. But it also was a gamble.
I prepared my SN. Took all the necessary other medication. I cried a lot. I only took 1 mg lorazepam. I messaged my two closest friends. They promised me to never call the police and never to intervene in case I want to kill myself. I really trusted them. I would have said the likelihood they call my parents or police was under 20%.
I prepared the drink. I already had my mouth at the glass. Suddenly, someone ringed at the door. Oh, boy it was the police. The stay in the clinic was a horror show for me. It is documented on here in my posts. I am not mad or disappointed about my friends. They would have been in legal trouble if they did not do that. I am not sure whether I would have had the capacity to delete the evidence. I think I would have been too emotional to cut my bond to them.
I think I learned a lot out of that. I am a little bit too talkative. In the end, it was good the police arrived before I took the SN. That could have been nasty. If they came 30 minutes later I might would have taken it. This would have been even more unpleasing.
I think I had many motives for all of this. I think I did not want to exist anymore. I still don't want to exist. I wish something would kill me. I wish I never was born. I damn my parents for giving me this horrible life. I wish something would kill me. Killing myself in another form of torture because I massively overthink it.
But I also wanted that my pain is acknowledged. I wanted to gamble with my life. If I die, then I die. My dad was surprised I actually ordered something and my talk about suicide beforehand wasn't just empty words.
I think it is pretty seldom that a suicide threat or suicide attempt is primary attention seeking. The human mind is too complex for that. For some it might be part of their motives. But I think a cry for help is the better description. Showing the environment that the pain is so much that even taking one's life is an accepted choice. I think my mom expects less of me since that day.
The whole thing could have massively backfired if I survived with damage. For some surviving an attempt can be carthatic and show that life is worth living. I was in this clinic for acute suicidal people. I think I am a pretty hard case. But there were people there holy cow. I think one young girl had severe brain damage. I assumed she tried to hang herself/partial and survived. I felt so sorry for her.
In my life I approached suicide 3 times. 2018 I stood at the seventh floor of a balcony and looked down to get a feeling of how it feels. It would have been a big gamble to jump. I did not actually try to jump because it was too unsafe. In the end I am pretty glad I did not jump. The floor was hard. But there was a boy and oh well I would have traumatized him. I tried partial a little bit. But I did it wrong and stopped it pretty early when it felt like my head would explode. I think trying partial would have been a bigger mistake than to jump.
Moreover, I think it is too early to judge. In case something extremely horrible happens in my life. I might regret it so much not having drunk the SN. And I will regret so much having messaged my friends that day. Maybe it would have been way better to die that day.
Suicide is very complex. In my self-help group, or other people I met. They only know suicide myths. People told me I have cut my wrist I almost died. Or I cut my wrists I was so scared to die because of the blood loss. I think judging them would be completely wrong. I also did not lecture them. If they want to die, they will have to do the research on their own.
For some small moves into the direction of suicide feel extreme. I am not sure about the feeling when you survive a very serious suicide attempt. The thing that scared me was to survive with damage. And this stopped me. I think there were many times in my life where I would have acted on my thought if I had the means. I am also pretty sure if I orderd SN again I would be again very impulsive to take it. And I would be more likely to act on my thoughts. The health of my family is horrible I think I would actually kill them if I did that.
The feeling in the clinic for acute suicidal people was so weird. A patient killed herself by jumping in front of a train. I did not play with open cards at all. I wanted out as soon as possible. It wasn't like SaSu suicide discussion at all. I cannot describe it properly. On the surface the people participated in therapy and wanted to improve. They played the therapy game. But I was not sure how much of it was only a facade. I told 2-3 people that I simply want out of the clinic and will say anything for that. A part of me lied to the clnic staff, sometimes I said the truth. It was a mixture. The other patients were shocked when I said I don't play with open cards. It felt ridiculous to play with open cards. I have structural problems which cannot be healed with a clnic stay. In a temporary crisis a clinic stay can be a protection of your impulsive choices. But the clnic was a nightmare. The other patients were creepy, you knew the others were also time bombs, the sole fact a patient killed herself could have traumatized me. It felt so wrong and to be such a stupid idea to put 15 acute suicidal people in a small facility. It is a receipt for disaster. The room mate of the woman who killed herself looked really really really not good after her suicide. To think such a clinic stay could help felt so irrational to me. In some way as a means of punishment it worked. I won't apprroach suicide for some time because never in my life do I want to have such a clinic stay again. Which gives me incentives to hide my acute suicidality in front of friends better.
Do you think some people are aware their methods are not actually reliable and lethal?
I had no suicide attempts thus far. I still think my suicidality is more concrete than the suicidality of some people with attempts. I have a friend who cut herself deep and considered that a very serious suicide attempt.
I am pretty glad I did not gamble with methods that can cause damage. There are many people who OD on pills. I think in many cases that's not lethal of course it depends on the pills. They will puke, feel horrible pain, some will have damaged organs. But OD with random pills is for many a horror trip but not lethal. With tricyclic antidepressants there are cases of severe brain damage.
It needs a lot of planning and thinking to prepare one's death reliably. This is why I don't believe that people stumble on SaSu and kill themselves without thinking twice. SI is way too strong for that.
I am rambling.
I prepared my SN. Took all the necessary other medication. I cried a lot. I only took 1 mg lorazepam. I messaged my two closest friends. They promised me to never call the police and never to intervene in case I want to kill myself. I really trusted them. I would have said the likelihood they call my parents or police was under 20%.
I prepared the drink. I already had my mouth at the glass. Suddenly, someone ringed at the door. Oh, boy it was the police. The stay in the clinic was a horror show for me. It is documented on here in my posts. I am not mad or disappointed about my friends. They would have been in legal trouble if they did not do that. I am not sure whether I would have had the capacity to delete the evidence. I think I would have been too emotional to cut my bond to them.
I think I learned a lot out of that. I am a little bit too talkative. In the end, it was good the police arrived before I took the SN. That could have been nasty. If they came 30 minutes later I might would have taken it. This would have been even more unpleasing.
I think I had many motives for all of this. I think I did not want to exist anymore. I still don't want to exist. I wish something would kill me. I wish I never was born. I damn my parents for giving me this horrible life. I wish something would kill me. Killing myself in another form of torture because I massively overthink it.
But I also wanted that my pain is acknowledged. I wanted to gamble with my life. If I die, then I die. My dad was surprised I actually ordered something and my talk about suicide beforehand wasn't just empty words.
I think it is pretty seldom that a suicide threat or suicide attempt is primary attention seeking. The human mind is too complex for that. For some it might be part of their motives. But I think a cry for help is the better description. Showing the environment that the pain is so much that even taking one's life is an accepted choice. I think my mom expects less of me since that day.
The whole thing could have massively backfired if I survived with damage. For some surviving an attempt can be carthatic and show that life is worth living. I was in this clinic for acute suicidal people. I think I am a pretty hard case. But there were people there holy cow. I think one young girl had severe brain damage. I assumed she tried to hang herself/partial and survived. I felt so sorry for her.
In my life I approached suicide 3 times. 2018 I stood at the seventh floor of a balcony and looked down to get a feeling of how it feels. It would have been a big gamble to jump. I did not actually try to jump because it was too unsafe. In the end I am pretty glad I did not jump. The floor was hard. But there was a boy and oh well I would have traumatized him. I tried partial a little bit. But I did it wrong and stopped it pretty early when it felt like my head would explode. I think trying partial would have been a bigger mistake than to jump.
Moreover, I think it is too early to judge. In case something extremely horrible happens in my life. I might regret it so much not having drunk the SN. And I will regret so much having messaged my friends that day. Maybe it would have been way better to die that day.
Suicide is very complex. In my self-help group, or other people I met. They only know suicide myths. People told me I have cut my wrist I almost died. Or I cut my wrists I was so scared to die because of the blood loss. I think judging them would be completely wrong. I also did not lecture them. If they want to die, they will have to do the research on their own.
For some small moves into the direction of suicide feel extreme. I am not sure about the feeling when you survive a very serious suicide attempt. The thing that scared me was to survive with damage. And this stopped me. I think there were many times in my life where I would have acted on my thought if I had the means. I am also pretty sure if I orderd SN again I would be again very impulsive to take it. And I would be more likely to act on my thoughts. The health of my family is horrible I think I would actually kill them if I did that.
The feeling in the clinic for acute suicidal people was so weird. A patient killed herself by jumping in front of a train. I did not play with open cards at all. I wanted out as soon as possible. It wasn't like SaSu suicide discussion at all. I cannot describe it properly. On the surface the people participated in therapy and wanted to improve. They played the therapy game. But I was not sure how much of it was only a facade. I told 2-3 people that I simply want out of the clinic and will say anything for that. A part of me lied to the clnic staff, sometimes I said the truth. It was a mixture. The other patients were shocked when I said I don't play with open cards. It felt ridiculous to play with open cards. I have structural problems which cannot be healed with a clnic stay. In a temporary crisis a clinic stay can be a protection of your impulsive choices. But the clnic was a nightmare. The other patients were creepy, you knew the others were also time bombs, the sole fact a patient killed herself could have traumatized me. It felt so wrong and to be such a stupid idea to put 15 acute suicidal people in a small facility. It is a receipt for disaster. The room mate of the woman who killed herself looked really really really not good after her suicide. To think such a clinic stay could help felt so irrational to me. In some way as a means of punishment it worked. I won't apprroach suicide for some time because never in my life do I want to have such a clinic stay again. Which gives me incentives to hide my acute suicidality in front of friends better.
Do you think some people are aware their methods are not actually reliable and lethal?
I had no suicide attempts thus far. I still think my suicidality is more concrete than the suicidality of some people with attempts. I have a friend who cut herself deep and considered that a very serious suicide attempt.
I am pretty glad I did not gamble with methods that can cause damage. There are many people who OD on pills. I think in many cases that's not lethal of course it depends on the pills. They will puke, feel horrible pain, some will have damaged organs. But OD with random pills is for many a horror trip but not lethal. With tricyclic antidepressants there are cases of severe brain damage.
It needs a lot of planning and thinking to prepare one's death reliably. This is why I don't believe that people stumble on SaSu and kill themselves without thinking twice. SI is way too strong for that.
I am rambling.
