How many people here actually do have some love for their families

[Zzquilb458]

They're deeply flawed and I feel they are still hurting me in ways they either don't realize or want to think about, but I won't deny that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance I feel here and there when ever I start excessively ruminating on ctb'ing.

This lining up with the fact that a lot of people here feel guilt over this desire. It's like they've done great things that a lot of parents don't do, yet, I still resent the bad stuff because it's in my nature to be defiant, especially lately considering they are very wrong on a particular social issue that they know affects my mental health.

I almost have this profusely selfish desire to press a button and make my life 1,000,000x worse just so I likely wouldn't compartmentalize as much about dying.

 

[WantingOut2]

My mom caused me to have the CPTSD that I have. She ruined my life and also I was frozen in freeze response, I could not leave.
My two older brothers are dead to me as I am to them. I suffered their abuse and witnessed all the time horrific abuse by one of them to my late mom.
My father died when I was in elementary school.
I have no family but the one I had I hate now.
I had a therapist a few years back (2017-2020) who said I should have been rescued from my mother by child protective services.
I'd give anything if I had a chance in life.
I believe strongly in the idea (and song) of the "Sins Of The Family."

(Note: if this was meant only for positive responses, I apologize, but your post above indicates it is not just for that)

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

me

I just feel bad for my dad. He deserved a lot more from the rest of us. Such a good dude. I fear my suicide will be the last straw for him. But my hope is that he has a happy retirement.

 

[rustcohle4life]

My mom caused me to have the CPTSD that I have. She ruined my life and also I was frozen in freeze response, I could not leave.
My two older brothers are dead to me as I am to them. I suffered their abuse and witnessed all the time horrific abuse by one of them to my late mom.
My father died when I was in elementary school.
I have no family but the one I had I hate now.T
I had a therapist a few years back (2017-2020) who said I should have been rescued from my mother by child protective services.
I'd give anything if I had a chance in life.
I believe strongly in the idea (and song) of the "Sins Of The Family."

(Note: if this was meant only for positive responses, I apologize, but your post above indicates it is not just for that)

This is exactly why i roll my eyes at the have big families advice given by far right religious types. They have their heads firmly planted up their asses. So many people are estranged from family.

 

[Lady_V]

I love my dad and older sister. That's it. My dad is so deeply flawed and a terrible man, but he was a good enough father to me. My sister was just a good big sister, but she killed herself, so.

 

[starboy2k]

I have more love for all of the kids that I grew up with in my family. The adults on the otherhand I despise.

 

[godlikempathy91]

They're deeply flawed and I feel they are still hurting me in ways they either don't realize or want to think about, but I won't deny that there's a lot of cognitive dissonance I feel here and there when ever I start excessively ruminating on ctb'ing.

This lining up with the fact that a lot of people here feel guilt over this desire. It's like they've done great things that a lot of parents don't do, yet, I still resent the bad stuff because it's in my nature to be defiant, especially lately considering they are very wrong on a particular social issue that they know affects my mental health.

I almost have this profusely selfish desire to press a button and make my life 1,000,000x worse just so I likely wouldn't compartmentalize as much about dying.

I am so sorry for you i totally understand how it feels like to be trapped in this type of state its like ur drowning slowly ur suffering because of
The place that supposed to give you the safety and love you deserve i hope you find the peace you're looking for.