I envy those who have the option to die peacefully in a guaranteed way, I really wish I had access to a peaceful poison or instant suicide pill. So hellish and unnacceptable how one cannot just choose to easily die in peace even know there is literally no limit as to how much one can suffer in this existence that was always so pointless and undesirable in the first place.
To have the ability to exist really is just meaningless suffering, only permanently not existing is desirable to me, I wish I never existed at all more than anything, I see no value in the futile and torturous burden of existing as a human. It'd be such a relief if I had the option to just be permanently unconscious, it's all I've ever wished for.