A few weeks ago I never have experienced friends leaving me for talking about suicidality. I have 3 very close friends who know everything. One of them asked not to talk with him about suicidality anymore a long time ago. (He had depression.) He also seems to be more interested in meeting my other friends who are not such downers as me. But he is not my main problem. He is fine and still a very good friend. I have two close friends who persuaded me to go to a clinic when I was actue suicidal. They were sort of overwhlemed when I was on the edge. I consider not to tell it them when I am again acute suicidal.
Besides these 3 very close friends. I have roundabout 6 more friends. Some are more distanced, others are more close. I decided to talk with two of them about my severe despair. One of them is not answering my messages since 1,5 weeeks. Could be coincidence. I am not sure. It was the first time I told him my despair and how hopeless my situation is. But I have not admitted suicidality. I think it was too early. The person is sort of special in my autistic/paranoid brain. I disclose too many secrets to him. He seemed to be such a kind person. I hoped he could stomach some parts of the truth. But not even that. I am disappointed.
The other one is a bipolar woman who wants to become a therapist. First she asked me not to talk with her about my suicidality (online). Now today she asked me to talk to her only about superficial and not deep, serious topics online. Honestly, I have the feeling this is bullshit and only an excuse. I get the feeling she blames me all the time for being so desperate about my situation. And always when I respond to her claims I am supposed to shut up and I am told not to talk about this topic. And accept her claims about my hopeless situation. I could elaborate on all the shit she is doing with me. I should not talk bad about the therapists who have given up on me. She often told me my situation was not that hopeless and I was acting like in a victim position. And then when I explained my misery she just said she does not want to hear that. She claims bullshit and I should swallow that. When she was manic I tried to help her so much. I really tried to save her ass. But she has changed a lot since. She does not want close contact to me anymore.
So I have lost two friends in a short time.
I try to re-activate the friendship with this political very fringe guy who was always nice to me. But his political takes became so insult. I am not sure how to think about it. I think he is going through a very deep crisis currently and I said to him if he needs someone to talk to I am there for him.
I have a very autistic friend who is extremely optimistic and positive. He does not know shit about my suicidality. I think if I told him 10% of the truth he would dodge me. I ask myself whether he will hate me when I kill myself for ruining everyone's mood. However, he is a very nice guy. He tries to cheer me up. And he is doomed for eternal loneliness just as me. I often compare myself to him. He can work and this saves his ass. When we went to school many years ago everyone thought he will remain unemployed forever and he was very depressed because of it. Me in contrast I was writing A's all the time and soon (?) I am going to kill myself because of the future poverty.
One friend tried to guilt tripp me for being in a suicide forum. But she ghosted most of my friends me included. One of them is busy with saving the world and make achievments in his career. I think if I kill myself he will have a guilty conscience for not answering my text messages. But I don't really care that much. Two guys from college explained to me I could always talk to them when I told them I go to clinic. I am so so glad I don't have to rely on them. I heared them joking about such stuff. Not interested in platitudes from hypocrites. They encouraged someone depressed to commit suicide as some sort of joke. But he did not go through with it. To be fair they were only the bystanders when that happened and someone else cracked the joke. But none of them intervened in this "joke".
Another friend from college send me a 24 minute voice messages and called me late at the evening to debate suicide when I just informed him I am suicidal. Lmao. I am pretty sure he could not swallow it and it was a very wise decision not to inform him about the magnitude of my thoughts. If the two others I mentioned earlier can't swallow it...then he neither. Moreover, I don't want to lose him. Another one is gaming and anime addict. We don't talk much about serious stuff and I will keep it that way.
I was scared to be thrown out of my self-help for talking too much about suicide. But I announced publicly in that group that I will never do that again. And I hope I will be fine. My friends wanted me to be more open about my suicidality towards others because they were overburdened by it.
So after all this rambling. My guess is 10% of all friendships surivive serious treatment resistent suicidality. I am not sure how many of these people will/would turn their back if I survive an attempt. I already ghosted other people who were just assholes when talking about mental health, women or harship.
What do you think?
Besides these 3 very close friends. I have roundabout 6 more friends. Some are more distanced, others are more close. I decided to talk with two of them about my severe despair. One of them is not answering my messages since 1,5 weeeks. Could be coincidence. I am not sure. It was the first time I told him my despair and how hopeless my situation is. But I have not admitted suicidality. I think it was too early. The person is sort of special in my autistic/paranoid brain. I disclose too many secrets to him. He seemed to be such a kind person. I hoped he could stomach some parts of the truth. But not even that. I am disappointed.
The other one is a bipolar woman who wants to become a therapist. First she asked me not to talk with her about my suicidality (online). Now today she asked me to talk to her only about superficial and not deep, serious topics online. Honestly, I have the feeling this is bullshit and only an excuse. I get the feeling she blames me all the time for being so desperate about my situation. And always when I respond to her claims I am supposed to shut up and I am told not to talk about this topic. And accept her claims about my hopeless situation. I could elaborate on all the shit she is doing with me. I should not talk bad about the therapists who have given up on me. She often told me my situation was not that hopeless and I was acting like in a victim position. And then when I explained my misery she just said she does not want to hear that. She claims bullshit and I should swallow that. When she was manic I tried to help her so much. I really tried to save her ass. But she has changed a lot since. She does not want close contact to me anymore.
So I have lost two friends in a short time.
I try to re-activate the friendship with this political very fringe guy who was always nice to me. But his political takes became so insult. I am not sure how to think about it. I think he is going through a very deep crisis currently and I said to him if he needs someone to talk to I am there for him.
I have a very autistic friend who is extremely optimistic and positive. He does not know shit about my suicidality. I think if I told him 10% of the truth he would dodge me. I ask myself whether he will hate me when I kill myself for ruining everyone's mood. However, he is a very nice guy. He tries to cheer me up. And he is doomed for eternal loneliness just as me. I often compare myself to him. He can work and this saves his ass. When we went to school many years ago everyone thought he will remain unemployed forever and he was very depressed because of it. Me in contrast I was writing A's all the time and soon (?) I am going to kill myself because of the future poverty.
One friend tried to guilt tripp me for being in a suicide forum. But she ghosted most of my friends me included. One of them is busy with saving the world and make achievments in his career. I think if I kill myself he will have a guilty conscience for not answering my text messages. But I don't really care that much. Two guys from college explained to me I could always talk to them when I told them I go to clinic. I am so so glad I don't have to rely on them. I heared them joking about such stuff. Not interested in platitudes from hypocrites. They encouraged someone depressed to commit suicide as some sort of joke. But he did not go through with it. To be fair they were only the bystanders when that happened and someone else cracked the joke. But none of them intervened in this "joke".
Another friend from college send me a 24 minute voice messages and called me late at the evening to debate suicide when I just informed him I am suicidal. Lmao. I am pretty sure he could not swallow it and it was a very wise decision not to inform him about the magnitude of my thoughts. If the two others I mentioned earlier can't swallow it...then he neither. Moreover, I don't want to lose him. Another one is gaming and anime addict. We don't talk much about serious stuff and I will keep it that way.
I was scared to be thrown out of my self-help for talking too much about suicide. But I announced publicly in that group that I will never do that again. And I hope I will be fine. My friends wanted me to be more open about my suicidality towards others because they were overburdened by it.
So after all this rambling. My guess is 10% of all friendships surivive serious treatment resistent suicidality. I am not sure how many of these people will/would turn their back if I survive an attempt. I already ghosted other people who were just assholes when talking about mental health, women or harship.
What do you think?
