Discussion How many attempts to ctb? What was your worse failed attempt?

[Notwinnernotawin]

About 7. The closest I got was when I took ALL the remedies in the house, including my mom's heart remedy. I passed out and woke up six hours later, in a hospital bed with a gastric tube on. The doctor said my heart is weak and if I continue to try I will succeed. That made me happy.

 

[irie]

i'd say about 6

worst was probably when i overdosed on my antidepressants, i took 13x (?) my dose and it felt pretty horrible, honestly surprised i didn't go out via serotonin syndrome

 

[carac]

5, first time was drinking bleach when I was younger then 4 attempts at partial more recently. Worst one was first failure at partial hanging, I had practiced and was sure this would be it, when it failed I just had this terrible feeling of doom and despair that I was trapped here.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Xanax OD, really my only real attempt. Was awful falling in and out of consciousness and a lot of SI.. Managed to not end up in the ward but now I don't have Xanax so I guess it just keeps getting worse and worse.

How much Xanax did you take?

 

[day]

How much Xanax did you take?

16mg

 

[Deleted member 65988]

16mg

Wow, almost about as much as I have, I have 14mg and plan to use it with SN. 1 and a half of Xanax already puts me out, can't imagine what 16mg will do to me.

 

[Stormy Raine]

About 7. The closest I got was when I took ALL the remedies in the house, including my mom's heart remedy. I passed out and woke up six hours later, in a hospital bed with a gastric tube on. The doctor said my heart is weak and if I continue to try I will succeed. That made me happy.

The doctor telling you that was hilarious in a dark way I couldn't imagine a doctor telling me that, I would perk up and ask, "You really think so?" Lol. I have to come to realize some people simply don't understand suicide and even if you give them 1000 reasons why, they can't understand someone taking their own lives. Of course suicide isn't a laughing matter and that is a lot of attempts I'm sure each attempt was difficult for you. Moving forward do you continue to try or accept to live and die naturally? There isn't a correct answer I'm just curious. I think I've accepted my fate that I'll never be able to correctly ctb so I'm just waiting to go naturally I have no choice it takes too much energy for an attempt and I hate waking up alive after an attempt. U was just curious how others go on?

i'd say about 6

worst was probably when i overdosed on my antidepressants, i took 13x (?) my dose and it felt pretty horrible, honestly surprised i didn't go out via serotonin syndrome

I know exactly how you feel, I attempted that method before too! I took a whole bottle of Prozac and I don't know why in that moment I thought it would work but it seemed reasonable at that time. I became so ill, all I could do was wish I could vomit them all up. Did you have any health conditions after? My throat hurt so bad and I couldn't eat for 3 days, I just cried and slept those days and vowed I'd never take another psych pill and would never try the pill method again.

 

[Minsu]

I'm really curious how to prevent or at least minimize SI when ctbing

 

[Stormy Raine]

Xanax OD, really my only real attempt. Was awful falling in and out of consciousness and a lot of SI.. Managed to not end up in the ward but now I don't have Xanax so I guess it just keeps getting worse and worse.

I would have thought Xanax would have worked?? I take benzos and I never used that method because I was always scared I'd get my doctor in trouble who has been great to me and I didn't want to ever live without benzos if I survived. so they won't give you benzos ever again? What helps you now?

I'm really curious how to prevent or at least minimize SI when ctbing

I remember during my 72 hr hold the intake dr told me and I'll never forget this, "you are the most depressed person I've ever seen in my life!" The dr was nice and I felt he really wanted to help me, he strongly suggest that shock therapy to your brain, when he decribed it I wasn't buying it because it sounded horrible. Months later after much research I think it's a wonderful idea and many people say it helps. My problem is I've lost trust in psychiatry and I can't get it without a psychiatrist referring me, but how do I say I simply want to die and need shock therapy without going back to psych? So I don't know how to answer your question, I'm trying to find the answer myself. Small things help like this site, the recovery part is fun and takes your mind off ctb, working a lot, and not giving yourself a lot of time to think. I abuse my sleeping pills but it helps me not to plan to ctb, so idk, I'm sorry.

around 6-8 attempts, or more. im not really counting. my successful one was when i overdosed (i was sleeping really deep, so it would be peaceful), but then my close ones called the hospital and after this i was put to psychward. i was 16 when this situation happened

How was your ward experience? I didn't feel as if I belonged there and it was a waste of time

Overdosing on blood pressure meds then slitting my wrist with a large knife someone discovered me and boom off to the mental ward for a 21 day stay that was #13

OMG 21 day stay? That's horrible, did the stay help you at all?

For multi ctb, does it help to fight against SI ? Does it make it easier and easier ?

Personally it doesn't get easier. For me each time I really believe u won't wake up so to wake up alive is hurtful and all you can do is keep living and know you will soon try again.

 

[Sapphire]

I made 2 past attempts. One when I was a teenager and the other a couple of years ago. Both were overdoses.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I have had 4 attempts, one of them happening today. I will only tell the most significant ones (my more recent attempts, the others were stupid and i have naive back then.) The 3rd attempt was when i figured about the blood choke, i immediately took a towel and wrapped it around my neck, i passed out but thankfully no one saw. My most recent one was me trying to jump off of the 14th floor of an apartment building, impulsively. If it wasn't for SI making me back out of that decision then i wouldn't be writing this right now. I was so close to dying i was practically hanging off of the railing it was very scary and im quite glad i didn't go through with it, i probably would've survived and be resuscitated or something… and in my opinion, jumping is a horrible method to use especially if theres many people in the area. I would've been saved, im sure of it. (sorry for rambling got carried away)

I watched a documentary on YouTube I think it's called, "The Bridge." It's basically about people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. All of the survivors will say they immediately regretted their decision soon as they jumped! I glad you made a decision you felt comfortable with. Best wishes to you!

I made 2 past attempts. One when I was a teenager and the other a couple of years ago. Both were overdoses.

5, first time was drinking bleach when I was younger then 4 attempts at partial more recently. Worst one was first failure at partial hanging, I had practiced and was sure this would be it, when it failed I just had this terrible feeling of doom and despair that I was trapped here.

Do you have any long term health conditions from drinking bleach? Hanging sounds so painful, I'm sorry you had to experience all those attempts!

 

[carac]

Do you have any long term health conditions from drinking bleach? Hanging sounds so painful, I'm sorry you had to experience all those attempts!

Nah, I was perfectly fine afterwards, not even a stomach ache, I was young and naive at the time, probably about 13 or 14 and all I thought is this stuff is poisionous and will kill you. I only drank a small amount not a just a sip though probably about a couple of table spoons I would say.

 

[theyspeak]

I had 3 attempts:

• my first one was when i was 20. it was my first delusional episode. after an event in my life my mind started telling me that my soul mate was waiting for me in heaven, so, without any kind of doubt or second thought, i went to the railway and just waited for a train to pass over me. some people saw me and basically made so that the people on the train knew i was there. they brought me to an hospital.

• second time i tried to take somewhere near 30/40 pills of benzodiazepines mixed with alcohol. i just spent some time unconscious (with my family around). don't remember much.

• third time i tried with antipsychotics. worst of all. i took 30 pills and basically just fucked up my brain.

if i were aware of better methods before, i would have gone already.

 

[Erik.t.f]

OMG that's horrible I'm sure each time was very embarrassing especially the cruise ship I hope you find some peace in this life, you definitely deserve it I ended up in the psych and I was so embarrassed and too ashamed to show my face so I slept my 72 hr hold. So are you done with trying? I am, I suck at living and suck at trying to die

yeah the cruise ship was a horrible experiences but all the alc made it better

im done trying i refuse to have 10 failed atempt so next time i going to die

i wish ctb was easier

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

The doctor telling you that was hilarious in a dark way I couldn't imagine a doctor telling me that, I would perk up and ask, "You really think so?" Lol. I have to come to realize some people simply don't understand suicide and even if you give them 1000 reasons why, they can't understand someone taking their own lives. Of course suicide isn't a laughing matter and that is a lot of attempts I'm sure each attempt was difficult for you. Moving forward do you continue to try or accept to live and die naturally? There isn't a correct answer I'm just curious. I think I've accepted my fate that I'll never be able to correctly ctb so I'm just waiting to go naturally I have no choice it takes too much energy for an attempt and I hate waking up alive after an attempt. U was just curious how others go on?

I know exactly how you feel, I attempted that method before too! I took a whole bottle of Prozac and I don't know why in that moment I thought it would work but it seemed reasonable at that time. I became so ill, all I could do was wish I could vomit them all up. Did you have any health conditions after? My throat hurt so bad and I couldn't eat for 3 days, I just cried and slept those days and vowed I'd never take another psych pill and would never try the pill method again.

Idk man. Sometimes I feel like ctb is the only way out, sometimes I feel like I can hang on this life for a little while.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I want to hang on, sometimes it gets heavy. I always say everyday is a chance to try to make it better.

 

[lokabe82]

My most recent "attempt" in July was the worst despite not reaching the actual point of attempting. I picked a horrible location and was found because of my own stupidity. I had to walk back to my empty life sedated out of my mind.

 

[tora]

I've only had 2 serious attempts; the second one was a lot worse than the first. I took a bottle of antidepressants and passed out for a couple hours, then when I woke up my body was having weird convulsions and I couldn't move. it was indescribably awful; I was in a lot of pain and the meds made me super paranoid and I started hallucinating. I was in the ICU and couldn't walk for 2 days and then went to a psych ward for a week.
that attempt made me realize overdosing is not a good way to go out

 

[SmollMushroom]

Wow, almost about as much as I have, I have 14mg and plan to use it with SN. 1 and a half of Xanax already puts me out, can't imagine what 16mg will do to me.

Yeah that sounds like a good plan. Have you changed your mind for a different method, or it's still the way you plan to ctb?

I'm very interested because I was planning to do the same, I have around 45 mg and from what I'm reading it should be more than enough to fall unconscious, right?

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yeah that sounds like a good plan. Have you changed your mind for a different method, or it's still the way you plan to ctb?

I'm very interested because I was planning to do the same, I have around 45 mg and from what I'm reading it should be more than enough to fall unconscious, right?

Sn is all I have that is effective plus I've already planned out and have all the meds. Won't take a mega dose of Xanax though, I think 3.5mg will do to totally blackout. You don't necessarily need that massive of a dose plus you could vomit even more with all of that in your system. Most regimens that include benzos have a conservative, normal dose of them.

 

[sserafim]

I've had about 6. My worst attempt was taking a bottle of Tylenol pm, coincidentally I couldn't sleep and I felt horrible for hours! I would have called 911 so I could get treatment because I was miserable, not because I wanted to live, and placed on that suicide list. I decided to wait it out but I'd never try that method again!

I've never properly attempted before. I haven't made any harmful/violent/risky attempts to ctb due to the risk of failure. I did try VSED though, but only lasted 2 days. I also tried water intoxication but didn't drink enough water for it. I also tried to OD on caffeine but I didn't drink enough coffee…

 

[Kit1]

Several. But the one that was so messed up was in mid 2022. I took about 40+ (500mg) paracetamol and then changed my mind as it would be unfair for me to go with children to look after. Contacted my GP and he convinced me to go the A&E. Went to A&E and at some point, I must have blacked out or something. Someone put me in a wheelchair and remember vaguely talking to receptionist and being parked in an overcrowded waiting area and everyone was wearing masks due to covid. I have n intense fear of masks and kept dissociating amd sinking in and out. Managed to walk over to reception (out of the wheelchair that someone had ki day placed me in) and begged the nurse to let me wait anywhere where I don't have to see anyone in masks - the previous year, I had fainted after seeing children wearing masks for haloween, was given CPR and had been taken to the same hospital!) - the nurse unkindly told me to go and sit till I am called. I offered to sit in the bathroom, end of a corridor somewhere (anywhere where I don't have to see people in masks) - the nurse wouldn't listen. I had two sick pots that I had thrown up into and gave the nurse the pots and walked out saying that I cannot handle it. Made it to the car park and sat in the car as I was too weak to drive. Called GP who told me to go back in and later on, he told me that he had tried to contact A&E to get help for me. I called A &E and they told me that they can only help if I come inside. I passed out nd spent a couple of hours or so passed out in the car - in and out of consciousness I think. Eventually the phone rang and it was a doctor feom A&E asking where I was and he helped me thereafter - was admitted for three days to get the antidote. Complained during and after discharge about what had happened and met with the consultant in charge of the A&E and the manager of the reception - pointed out that reasonable adjustments ahould be in place due to my disabilities and this is a legal requirement and all I asked was for all reception staff to be trained on the law. She basically told me that they can only adhere to disability discrimination act etc.., if they had space! Never retained to hospital and then had a run in with my GP's surgery regarding accessibility issues and disability to be able to access GP's service and was told that the same rules apply to everyone. Now stopped using all services. In the end what would kill me is the NHS that is incapablemof making reasonable adjustments to vulnerable patients (resulting in me not taking any medications anymore and not going to see doctors when unwell) that probably suicide.

That was a long write up - just really fed up with the system and how the system quietly let's so many patients with vulnerabilities die by basically ensuring that we cannot access services in a manner that we do not find threatening.

 

[Stormy Raine]

I've never properly attempted before. I haven't made any harmful/violent/risky attempts to ctb due to the risk of failure. I did try VSED though, but only lasted 2 days. I also tried water intoxication but didn't drink enough water for it. I also tried to OD on caffeine but I didn't drink enough coffee…

VSED is horrible and a miserable way to go, but hey we all have our methods so not judging. How much water you drink? I think I would have threw up with all that water. Maybe you should take more time to think this out my suggestion

 

[Division Day]

The attempt I felt worst physically was paracetamol when I was a teenager. Went to hospital, something on an IV to counteract it and I remember it feeling fucking rough.

The two times I came closest I just felt awful emotionally. It hurt so much to know that I was still alive.

 

[IsThisEverything]

I've overdosed on paracetamol / acetaminophen several times (large overdoses). Each time I've had to go on an acetylcysteine IV. The side effects of the overdose and antidote were brutal - constant vomiting for hours. Also ended up in the psych ward after a couple of those attempts. Also overdosed on DPH but didn't take enough (just over 1000mg). Made me delirious. Also overdosed on zopiclone. Can't remember anything that happened but I woke up in hospital the next day. Apparently my parents found me and called an ambulance.

I've gone to places to jump a few times, including climbing a multistory car park from the outside. SI kicked in though.

Tried suffocation using a plastic bag and using a ligature. They were desperate attempts on the psych ward though. Yes, I know plastic bags and items that could be used as ligatures are banned, but you can sneak pretty much anything onto a psych ward, at least in the UK.

Tried death by starvation and was very close to dying. Ended up in a general hospital under section for 3 weeks while they treated my messed up heart and liver, then went to an eating disorders ward.

A lot of the above attempts were not well thought through and were from inexperience. I'm more informed now and would like to go by SN if I can ever source any.