Discussion How do you feel leading up to making a serious attempt?

[lament.]

I had a bunch of stuff typed out about how I feel but I decided to delete it and will just condense it because it felt like rambling so I will format it like this;

I feel terrified I might survive. Even more scared of the fact that I might survive with brain damage.
I feel both hopeful and scared of the fact that this might be one of the last days I am alive.
I hate that I am already making plans for my failure as if it's something that's destined to happen.
I'm scared that I will die and the afterlife will be worse than I imagined, if it even exists, and if it doesn't exist I don't know whether to be happy or sad about that.
I feel tired and fed up that I'm not dead yet.
I hate that I can see myself being a coward and chickening out at the last moment.
I'm annoyed that my anchor point is shit so I have to fumble around for ages trying to get the noose just right for me to actually start passing out.
I feel sorry to my family and friends.
I want to finally give up and die.

I plan on attempting partial (again - probably like the 4th or 5th time or something idk anymore) tomorrow and if that fails I will probably order SN and take the risk of a wellfare check (im in the UK x-x).

Anyone who has previously had serious attempts what method was it and how did you feel before hand? I don't know what I will really get out of hearing your answers but I want to hear them regardless, maybe so I feel less alone idk.

 

[pancakelover20]

before serious ones, excited, lost, alone, melancholic, filled with guilt and ashamed. but a lot of adrenaline. thats also all what i feel now leading up to my next one.

there was one occasion i was going to make a serious attempt by crashing my car and tbh it was the most free ive ever felt. i was slightly drunk so that added to it but it was so euphoric that i eventually decided against going through with it. i finally felt like because i had the power to throw my existence into oblivion and was about to, i could just be. it was strange. i wanted it to last forever.

maybe thats what real death is like. i hope.

on less serious attempts i was mostly just excited for the attention and understanding i thought i was about to receive. stupid.

 

[Dejected 55]

I haven't tried yet... but I feel like I will be antsy and nervous when the time comes. I know anxiety and hesitance about other things I've been nervous or scared to do... so I imagine some version of that... and some version of pacing around the house and stalling and not getting into my attempt immediately... probably intending to do it and then taking several hours to actually make the attempt... worrying about not doing it right or failing whether I do it right or not... wondering "what if" this is the random time someone does check up on me even though no one has in many many months... whatever can go wrong might go wrong and I will worry... and I suspect I will also wonder if it will hurt or what it will be like to no longer be conscious ever again... will it just end abruptly and that's it?

 

[Mr. Snrub]

I only made very drunken attempt with OD'ing on xanax many years ago. At the time I felt prideful if anything. In control. That was likely the alcohol.

I also have that weird fear of a potential afterlife. Logic tells me I shouldn't but if we could figure out everything with logic there wouldn't be so many unanswered questions about existence. My mind conjures up all sorts of morbid possibilites.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Wierd, I'm up and down. Elated one day because there is relief in knowing nothing matters anymore, I'm going anyway so I may as well try and make the most of my last few days until my SI finally gives way (won't take much now, just one more blow, I've lost everything) then extremely angry and sad for being in a position where I have no choice and major grief over so many losses and never having had opportunities or expriences like most other people have in life.

As for afterlife, nothing in heaven or he'll can tear me from the love that is in Christ Jesus, not even my own weakness. If there is no heaven or hell, I'll cease to know anyway, but even that is better than this unbearable pain and suffering.

A big fear is severe discomfort from SN, but then it's often an emotional and painful experience even by natural causes, why should it be any different for me?

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Peaceful and calm. I guess I was a little bothered that I didnt get to do everything on my bucket list, but, well, when my time has come, it's come. Nothing I can do about that. The only unease or fear I felt was about the possibility of surviving.

 

[Unicron]

Personally I feel peaceful and elated for myself, but I also feel guilty that I'm going to hurt my family.

 

[hmnow]

Anyone who has previously had serious attempts what method was it and how did you feel before hand? I don't know what I will really get out of hearing your answers but I want to hear them regardless, maybe so I feel less alone idk.

I have made two serious attempts, serious in the sense I had a serious intent to be found dead at the end of a rope.

In each case I survived because my anchor gave way

The first time as a teenager I hung a towel from a beam in the basement. I left it there all day before I ran down filled with determination to kill.myself. I blacked out with the thought of content I had done it. I woke up on the floor with a nasty bump. The towel had given way.

The second time was more recently. I can remember placing the noose around my neck bit nothing else other than this was the end.

The next moment i found myself on the floor. I thought I was dead laying there. That life ended and I was in a new reality. But the cold floor soon made me realize I was freezing. For the next few days I couldn't really remember short terms things and why I had such a bruise around my next or at least it took a few seconds to remember it I guess there may have been some temporary brain damage. If there is much a thing as something temporary

I now have tested anchors that I am certain about. I feel third time I will be lucky.

 

[westerly_merlin]

I was really calm, once I had decided to CTB it was a relief it was going to all be over. I tied up a few loose ends of personal admin, wrote a letter to my wife and my son and then had a good long shower and put on fresh PJs. I went to bed and set my alarm for 2am.

When I woke, I slipped out to the garage and rigged my rope from two roof joists. I then sat on the edge of the loft hatch of my garage with the rope round my neck for 2 hours calmly considering if I was making the best choice for everyone.

When I thought I was ready I calmly lowered myself down and was suspended my the rope and started choking. That was when I panicked and managed to claw myself up a shelf and bracket on the wall to ease the pressure and remove the noose.

I guess I was not as ready as I thought, I have talked it through with my therapist as I was on pure "Spock logic" at that time, I had no emotional connection and had just come the the conclusion it was best for everyone if I was gone. I think the panic was my suppressed emotions coming to the fore.

If I attempt again I will make sure the rope is out of reach of the wall and also I am emotionally ready to die as well as logically ready.

 

[Cauliflour]

The brain wouldn't shut up and like getting louder and louder. Sounds poetic I suppose but I think that's the best way to describe it. It swarmed my thoughts until all I could focus on was the thought of killing myself right there and then. I mostly did it just to get it to shut up, and it worked, to an extent.

 

[thereisnoone]

I almost feel euphoric in a way that Im setting myself up for a mission and finally doing something about my situation. But at the same time its a weird emptiness I find myself in whenever Im seriously considering attempting Its almost like everyone has turned their back and I somehow dont exist