Discussion How long have you’ve been suicidal? And what has gotten you to this point?

[SpiderLink]

Over 3 years for me. I've thought of it before, but it was passive.

I'm sick of trying when I know I won't be able to get anywhere. I just hate my life and know I can't do shit about it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that in my case I've certainly never wished to exist here and I've always found comfort in the thought of being permanently free from this world which lead to me actually thinking of suicide and suicide methods as I got a bit older.

Wanting to sleep forever is all that I know really, to me existing has always been something dreadful and undesirable, I think it's perfectly logical wanting to escape from all future suffering in a world where there is unlimited potential to be tormented, existing is just a burden to me in general and of course suicide is the best way to die as it's on our own terms. There's no point to existing, we are just waiting around to die anyway.

 

[astral-mind]

20 years since the idea of CTB came to me as a possibility. Have never stopped wanting it since. Just have to wait for my parents to pass which could be a few more decades. But I'm taking that time to learn and familiarise myself with methods. I hope there will be more readily available, peaceful innovations by the time I'm ready.

 

[sulli]

it started when i was 9, so... 19 years i guess? give it up for year 20 in a few months

 

[Embalmer]

It started when I was about 8 or 9 and I'm 19 now, nothing was really that bad in my life but I just knew living in general wasn't for me and isn't something I want to participate in for like 80 or so years. I think genuine curiosity is what has gotten me this far, if I die I could miss out on something cool even if it's something as unimportant as a new video game. As long as nothing too bad is happening to me I'd tell myself to just stay for a little bit longer and just kept doing that over and over. I wanna experience as much as I can before I CTB in case there really is nothing afterward and this was my one chance to experience anything.

 

[Klophy]

Don't know the exact age, but I was very young. Probably safe to say i've been this way for 20+ years.

Alcoholic parent, shitty school life, you know just a shitty life in general.

I've always had a sense of not wanting to be here. Found comfort in disassociation, daydreaming, sleeping and things of that nature. Anything that would let me escape this reality.

 

[cami]

since i was 9. it's been 10 years and im still the same way.

 

[SpiderLink]

All of experiences r valid. I'm sorry u guys r feeling this way, thanks for sharing

 

[sensenmann]

Been having thoughts for 9 years and actually considering to ctb for 1 year

 

[bedtimebabe]

Since I was age 16 and now I am 28 but didn't make serious plans to CTB until the past couple months… it always seemed too violent for me to actually go through with it. However, now reality just continues to hit me with its weight and suffering and all I want is just to be able to go to sleep and not be woken up to this again. I just don't look forward to anything in my life anymore and can't dissociate or fantasize my way out of what my life has become.

chronic illness, heartbreak, and just overall dread of being alive day after day

 

[BleedingHeartofPain]

I've had 9 attempts going all the way back to when I was 14. The most recent being April 1 of this year. I have a chronic illness that is not terminal, but is very isolating and painful. I lost my mother a year ago after barely being able to see her due to multiple strokes she had right before the pandemic. Multiple heartbreaks over the years with two extremely messy ones recently that robbed me of the last bit of trust I had in others, as well as the minute amount of faith and trust I had in myself. I was raised to be a people pleaser, which turned into toxic empathy and desperate loneliness according to my therapist. I have been in therapy since before I started school and I have tried medication. The medications either made me so numb that I felt like a spectator in my own life or in a couple of instances made me even more suicidal or had horrible side effects. I just want the crushing pain of existence to end. I can't remember the last time I didn't pray that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, but I know it's been years. I also can't remember the last time I wasn't in physical pain, even when I was in a pain clinic for 4 years. It lessened the pain, but never fully alleviated it, made me feel even more depressed, and made me feel even more sick to my stomach than I usually am. So, add that to being a softy who can't deal with the cruelty of the world and I've been ready to ctb since before my mom got sick.

 

[usernameforss]

Over 3 years for me. I've thought of it before, but it was passive.

I'm sick of trying when I know I won't be able to get anywhere. I just hate my life and know I can't do shit about it.

Since I was a child. Off and on. It's been ON for a very long time now.

 

[greywings]

i've always been gloomy and comforted by the thought of death. i can't remember how old i was. elementary or before? i was small enough to not really be able to eat a whole jolly rancher. didn't have a lot of reasons at the beginning.

Spoiler

first moment i remember the idea forming was when i was choking on that jolly rancher. i was super calm about it although i couldn't speak, or breathe through my mouth and nose. i just sat there glancing at the grown-ups i could kinda see in the next room getting ready for something, wondering if they'd notice, or help me. and i thought dying might not be that bad. then i remembered seeing folks do some kind of heimlich thing and tried something like it out of curiousity on myself. don't really know why. life wasn't great and we didn't really have food or our own place but i can't remember being that sad about it at the time. still, some years later after a few things happened i stopped just being okay with the thought of dying early and started planning to ctb when i turned 18. Stuff Happens tho and i'm still here many years later.

 

[Town_Drunkard]

11 years, started when I felt different among others, everyday it was like I'm just a shadow among others always having to change to fit in or talk to people, I realized later on all the people I thought were my friends never noticed when I stopped talking and moved away hoping someone would still want me around, and everytime I would try to end my life by either holding a revolver to my head or now cutting and taking a bunch of Tylenol and sleep meds I always end up falling asleep and waking up broken for failing. I bought some anti anxiety meds and am hoping that tomorrow I can finally pull the trigger once I'm alone at home, If I can't I'll just have to keep dealing with this cycle of regret and wishing I had the strength to finally end it. I'm just tired of being tired every day.

 

[savoytruffle]

since i was a kid, and im here because it's the end of the road. ive always known this was my future so i never planned for anything, my brain doesn't work so ill never finish university, and i just let time slowly run out until now

 

[MrDarkness]

Over 3 years for me. I've thought of it before, but it was passive.

I'm sick of trying when I know I won't be able to get anywhere. I just hate my life and know I can't do shit about it.

Been suicide for 7 or 8 years ever since elementary school, if I died rn I would care but also not, I still wanna be able to help people for I finally get pushed over the limit and ctb

 

[voc_89]

since 02 August 2004. When my mom lost her fight to cancer. I was 13 at the time. Around then I was depressed that my mother was very ill and wasn't getting better. She and my dad never told us what it was until 01 August 2004. But she was fighting this since maybe 2001. When she passed I lost all my reason to continue existing. Everything was a lie. Hope was dead. I was spiralling then. If it wasn't for my baby sister (my father had an affair at the time) coming into my life in 2005 I am positive that I wouldn't be here.

edit: I know some would say that cancer signs should have been obvious... she was out of the country for about a year getting treatment. It was only when she was in the casket that I saw the loss of hair, the blackened nails, etc.

 

[FailerQt.]

The first thoughts appeared when I was still in elementary school, idk when exactly. It was because of bullying.

 

[lokabe82]

14 years. I was 14

 

[gatzby128]

About 25 years, but never as seriously as I have been in the past couple of years... Now I'm actively preparing. In the past it was more internal; more self hatred. Now its still that, but more about being disgusted by what humans do to each other and this planet. This is just no longer a world I want to exist in.

 

[cscott]

How are you preparing .. do you know about helium & nitrogen a painless death ?

 

[Forever Sleep]

First had ideation when I was 10, so 33 years ago. It's always been with me to varying intensities. It's become more intense this past year because my 'crutch' that has gotten me through till now (my creative 'career') is failing. Plus, I suppose I'm nearing the time I may actually be able to do it. There are a few people in my life that I always wanted to hang on for. Only one remains now. Obviously- I don't know how long I'll have to wait but I guess I'm aware I'm closer to the reality of actually doing it than before.

 

[S u i c i d e]

3 years ago I had my first real suicide attempt that almost worked and since then I've been thinking about killing myself every day.

 

[SpiderLink]

How are you preparing .. do you know about helium & nitrogen a painless death ?

Who r u responding to?

 

[GeneTunney]

I've been unhappy since adolescence. What kept me going was my family's love, the love of a previous partner (split was amicable), and the general hope that things might get better.

Developed a facial skin condition in my late 20s which rendered me a virtual shut in. My depression and anxiety worsened, and a few years later had a nervous breakdown. Was very close to jumping in front of a train. But recovered somewhat - again, with the love and care from family. No job, no life, no future, no friends, no partner, but able to hang on. Managed to control the skin condition. Life was bearable, just. I had my music, books, movies.

In recent months, another facial skin condition has developed on top of the previous one, I've developed sudden chronic ear pain which prevents me from listening to music or watching movies. My last defences are gone.

 

[spøgelse]

7 years considering for 6 years
ifailed dying each time so badly i had to go to school the next day

 

[cscott]

Who r u responding to?

There was a comment I thought I responded to still figuring out how this works

Who r u responding to?

 

[daft]

Since I was 13 years old. It's only recently that I've actually reached the point where I'm able to decisively push through, due to a hellish last few years. Where I can confidently say that this is the most apt time to end the story.

I'm just... tired Mental issues, many of which were caused by parents who should not have had children in the first place. Severe health issues resulting in not being able to work for many months. Social difficulties, struggling with relationships and generally being alone most of my life. I don't want to continue being the person who suffers from these problems anymore.

I'm just waiting for life to give me its final middle finger. Next month most likely

 

[isthisit?]

Been suicidal since 7th grade. Biggest reason is the mental damage from school that doesn't seem to go away even after 6 long years.