How long have you known?

[thisIsNotEnough]

Throughout my whole life, there has been this (metaphorical) voice, sometimes whispering and sometimes shouting at me that I'm long past my expiration date. It feels similarly to how death is defied in the Final Destination movies and how it always comes back around in unlikely ways to right the world. Only instead of killing me in an elaborate way, it puts me through hell, almost daring me to end my life.

I keep getting these highs where everything seems like it will finally be okay, and then everything crashes down and I'm lower than ever, as if death is torturing me for continuing to live. The perfect torture for a sensitive person who feels like all it will take is one more traumatic experience to push them over the edge.

More to the point, I guess I predict a lot of people on here are in a way suicidal by nature. Almost everyone will at least idly consider suicide after a traumatic event before getting over it, but few people have thought about it for as long as we have, let alone see it as an actual option.

This is supported by the fact that people will be suicidal even when their lives are perfect or otherwise not the worst imaginable. And I've seen a broad spectrum of past traumas and present suffering represented on this forum, yet we all are suicidal. I feel the only explanation is that a certain subset of the population is just predisposed to suicide.

So how long have you known that you will die by suicide someday? And if there was an inciting incident, what was it? I'm curious to see if my prediction holds true :)

 

[martyrdom]

Since April, after an extremely traumatic event.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish I could just cease existing peacefully on my own terms but of course I exist in this horrific world where I'm so cruelly denied the option to so of course I just continue to suffer instead in this existence I just always saw as a mistake but no matter what I'll always prefer to not exist.

I wish I could erase this dreadful, torturous existence so it's like I never suffered at all, I've always wished to cease existing as non-existence is all that's positive for me and all I see as desirable is being permanently unconscious, I see nothing desirable about being burdened with this existence of unnecessary suffering where there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured just to face the extreme agony of old age, existence to me really is an abomination.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've had ideation since I was 10. I'm not sure I've ever 100% been convinced I would die by suicide but I suppose I knew from that point on, the likelihood was high.

For me- it's actually more been a hope though- that I will have the guts and determination to end things on my own terms. I have quite a defiant streak that wants to shout out- 'F*ck this life! I'm not being held prisoner anymore.'

 

[littlecutecorpse]

i had been quite uncertain about my future (whether i'd be alive to see it in the first place) when i was around 16. yet i still tried to keep myself together and act as if i had a bright future ahead of me. then after a whole bunch of bullshit that occured that same year i pretty much lost hope and knew my time was coming up. originally i thought it'd be before my 18th birthday; but somehow i lived past that, unfortunately. now things are circling back around though with my ctb plans and all, but even then i'm not sure if that'll work or if i'll just be stuck here for longer. hopefully not