Discussion How long have you been suicidal for? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

Just curious really. Is this a recent development for you, or something longer term? I know this has been discussed before but maybe not in poll form? I find poll's pretty interesting.

I suppose I also wonder how this affects how we experience our thoughts. I get the impression some people feel disturbed by their thoughts and are even afraid that they might act on them. I wonder if this is related to the length of time a person experiences these thoughts. I've had ideation for 33 years. At the very start, I remember the thoughts did frighten me (I was a child.) Still, it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable with them and now, I can't imagine not feeling like this. How about you?

 

[Darkover]

7 long year ever since getting a brain injury back in 2016

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Passively suicidal since I realized I was born the wrong sex. Planning to CTB since it festered a few years ago.

 

[Ringo]

I've had these thoughts ever since the pressure to meet expectations began to break me and it led to a failed attempt when my parents labeled me as a mistake when my disorder was diagnosed.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud, since I was a child I was always told that I had a bright future ahead of me, my parents were very persistent for me to learn new things and develop skills, and look at me now, most of the time I can't express myself properly. I feel ashamed of myself for expectations that don't interest me, expectations that are as unwanted for me as my existence.

Since that failed attempt I have felt more and more controlled and deprived of will, sometimes I feel like a circus animal. Four years ago I got tired of trying, not only do I feel that I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try, I'm physically and mentally tired of feeling like shit, I'm tired of taking drugs to aspire to have a normal life, I'm tired to cause harm to those I love, I'm a useless sister and a disgusting friend, I was never meant to born and no matter if my parents really don't think that about me anymore, in the end they were right, I'm a mistake.

 

[jay308]

a few months

 

[d3c96524be95]

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was born, feeling like I don't belong to this world, but it really became more concrete in secondary school (~15 years ago) after a house move. The idea that one day I'd kms never left me since then, but slightly varied in magnitude depending on the periods of my life.

 

[dw33ter]

It's a complicated question. I've wanted to not exist since I was in primary/elementary school. But I've only been planning the concrete details on how I intend to ctb since 2019.

 

[VioletNight]

Honestly ever since I was around 9 or so, so 20 years

 

[Unending]

I became pretty severely suicidal consistently and increasingly in the last several years but had a pretty overwhelmingly difficult time emotionally for the majority of my childhood, only I wasn't really entertaining the idea of ctb too much because of the fear of hell in which I developed from being brought up in a christian family. I sort of trusted the adults in my life on that one and thought that life was the lesser of two evils and that it would get better eventually.

That being said, I remember some pretty bad stuff that if I went through without the fear of god, I definitely would have entertained the idea earlier so I don't look at my situation as a more recent thing. If anything, I was dysfunctional back in my teen years in more corrosive ways (Excessive drinking, drug use, coping with sex, emotional outbursts, reckless behaviour that I'm surprised didn't kill me lol, etc) and now I just kind of sit there with my emotions all day.

 

[inertescape]

I've thought about suicide for years, but it's been it's worst over the past 2. I started CBT and started having distorted positive thoughts, rather than the usual negatives, but when I realised how delusional to the opposite extreme I was getting, sent me tumbling back into suicidal ideation again.

 

[hellispink]

I have been suicidal since I was a young child. I was 11 the first time I wrote in my diary about wanting to commit suicide. 13 years have passed and I want to die as much as back then.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least in my case I know that I've never wished to exist and I've never been content existing in this awful world. I know that I'm simply not meant for existing and I consider my existence to be a mistake, with the thought of non existence always being something that has comforted me. Suicidal thoughts are pretty much all I know and can remember and they are just a natural response to me existing in this world.

I can remember having thoughts of suicide as far back as when I was around 11, but I know that I've always not wanted to be here. It's sad how I'm still here and have managed to exist for this long, as at least in my case thoughts of suicide are what are normal and make sense for me, pretty much all of my waking moments are spent wishing to die.

 

[western_heart]

I voted 2-5 years but was suicidal at times more than 5 years ago. My first thoughts of suicide were fleeting when I was a teen. It's been more serious on and off for the past decade, since my mid 20s. I obtained a method for the first time in 2017 intending to have it available for the future, and got way more serious about wanting to die in 2021. It seemed like I was recovering for a while, but it didn't last.

 

[maybemaybemaybe]

A long time. I remember wanting to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol when I was like 10. But it comes and goes.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

I've been passively suicidal since I knew what being alive vs dead was, & halfway active suicidal for ~4 years, maybe? and now like. actively actively for around a month lol

 

[TapeMachine]

On and off for 20+ years. Really tried to improve too. But this is the first time I've ever put so much time into researching my method.

I was feeling pretty good about a year ago, felt like I had finally solved the elusive mystery of "wtf is wrong with me?" And god, how I clung to the hope of that sparkling, newfound knowledge. I did a great deal of work to pull myself out from all of the chaos and disarray of my life. I read the books, scheduled psych appointments, hired a damn life coach, tried multiple medications.

But there is no real escape from a mind, not in life. There is no cure to my problems; the medications have proven to do more harm than good. And if all I've left to get me through more of my life is just more of the same coping mechanisms, then I'm ready to go.

 

[nomirrors]

I became seriously suicidal at 14, 7 years ago.
I fell behind in school, dropped out of high school, attempted to kill myself and failed. Twice. I completed high school 2 years after I was supposed to.

Both of my parents have 2 master's degrees, and they had similar goals in mind for me. I used to be very bright in school, and they'd always brag about it to their friends and our family. So, needless to say, they consider me a huge disappointment. So do I.

I lost all will to progress in life all those years ago. My mom has repeatedly told me she can't believe I'm her only child.

I wasn't even supposed to be born. They always wanted only one child, but my mom's first pregnancy was a disaster.
So here I am, flying the "Mistake" flag high.

 

[paleplumi]

About 18 years now. Trying to hold on for my mom but it's getting harder each day.

 

[outrider567]

13 months

 

[thebusislatetonight]

Ever since I was a teenager, I suppose. I was always sure that I wasn't gonna live very long. I always had it in the back of my head but never acted on it until I was 17 when something really crappy happened. Even though after that better things happened and I felt more stable, I still thought about it. Always made me feel like I don't belong with "normal" people in the "real" world. Now I'm actively thinking about it since about three or four months again.

 

[LastFlowers]

13 months

Did something sudden happen?

 

[Venus13]

My first attempt was 14 years ago but my era of a truly soul crushing suicidal despair started 10 years ago. I guess 10-20 is the best option. To call myself tired would be an understatement. I'm well passed the point of having any strength left.

 

[outrider567]

Did something sudden happen?

My life partner girlfriend of 35 years died after just 4 days in the hospital, still in shock, still miserable

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Over 10 years through.

 

[NHLTradeRumor]

Since I was 11 or 12, so almost a decade at this point (I'm almost 21)

 

[death song]

Been actively researching and thinking of different plans for about 3 years. I am elderly and have a number of health issues some of which could render me an invalid if they progress. That is my biggest reason for considering CTB. I don't want to spend years in a slow health decline especially in some elder care facility. I don't have children and hardly any family so there really is no one to look in on me if I become incapacitated. In addition to physical ailments, I also have really bad anxiety which I somewhat control with medications. Also have leaned on alcohol but am trying to get away from that as I also don't want to die of liver failure. Supposedly that is a really unpleasant passing. Also I live alone except for my two dogs and a cat that are the main reason I haven't taken action thus far. The animals are elderly also and I can't just leave them. The cat has pretty much been my best friend for 14 years.
I have had a really good life and got to do a lot of cool things such as travel and work good interesting jobs. I guess to sum it up I realize the best part of my life is behind me and I think I really want some control over how I depart this life. Like many on here I would like to simply ingest something like N and just go to sleep and not wake up. Yes I am a new person here but I have been lurking on this site for months. I am thankful for SS as it has helped me through some really low periods.

 

[Monkeyman]

It's hard to pinpoint for me. My first attempt was in 2020 but I had thoughts before that, just wasn't sure if I was serious about them yet.

 

[brood]

I saw my first corpse when I was 14, an uncle he looked so peaceful and happy, far removed from the week before, terminally ill and wracked with pain. This was the first time that I realised that I wanted to die, it was so much preferable to living.
Since that day I've walked out into the sea, but I floated, I spent 2 hours perched by a cliff, but couldn't do it, made a pact with a girlfriend to die together but we didn't last long enough to carry it through . I hung myself, succeeded in passing out but came round sometime later laid on the floor.
A few years ago my boyfriend and I made plans to commit suicide together by carbon monoxide, we got all the gear together, decided on a date and time and then he went and did it while I was out, I tried to join him but I was too late, the poison had dissipated.
Last summer I awoke on a beautiful morning and decided there and then to hang myself. I had a plan and had assembled sufficient equipment, so I secured the rope, moved the rickety chair into place and prepared the arm and leg restraints that I intended to wear then the phone rang, I answered it and dealt with the matter, good job I did actually or they would have come round to mine as I was swinging.
Now I am 69 years old, approaching 70, three score and ten, it's enough, life is getting more difficult and not as much fun. I always new that I would die by suicide, I honestly believe that it's the best way that I am going to die .
I still have the necessary to hang myself but also I have been practicing rocking to and fro on a low wall until I over ballance backwards off the wall, because I've found a similar one with a 140 foot drop onto a road surface for when I fall back.
I am enjoying the planning and very much look forward to doing it and going into oblivion, I do hope there isn't an afterlife.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Moderately suicidal for about 20 years. Seriously suicidal for the last 4 or 5.

 

[itsallpointless]

30 years old man here. Had my first serious contemplation of suicide at 8 and as I had always been a determined child, dissociated and shut out any suicidal thoughts for fear that I might actually do something so "stupid"