where, on here? not possible. not without some sort of metabolic disorder that makes you process all drugs differently, unable to swallow, throw up, or some other reason that makes it that not all of the substance actually makes it and stays in your body
that or they got rescued before passing
that or they got rescued before passing
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Not on here. On other websites and forums. I'm worried I might be in the metabolic disorder category.
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well what reason do you have to think that? if you were sick in that way you would know it..
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yeah well then it's not N but something else at that point if impure/diluted/expired
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Actually, I survived about 15 grams of N about 3 years ago. I'm new here and this is my first post. I'm a male who was in his late 40s at the time and wanted to end it all for a variety of reasons (I won't bore you with the details) and a few years prior I had purchased the PPeH book and ordered powered N from a Chinese chemical company that was listed in the book. It arrived without incident and I felt pleased that I had this in my possession to take whenever I felt I wanted to exit. I felt assured that it was the real deal as it was exactly as shown in the photos of the book and had been tested by EXIT to be pure. Others had posted in the Exit forum at that time that they too had ordered from the same Chinese source around the same time that I had, they had it tested and it was between 88-92% pure, certainly good enough for an exit. I kept the N powder stored in a heat sealed thick mylar bag with oxygen absorbing packets to keep it from degrading.
A few years go by and my life was getting worse and it was time for me to go. One night at about midnight, after preparing everything carefully in advance to be propped up in my bed (not lying down), took several stat doses of antiemetic (Domperidone, aka: Motilium) 30 minutes prior to avoid potential vomiting, and swallowed 15 grams of dissolved N in a 50ml of water, followed by a shot of vodka, positioned myself in bed and closed my eyes for what I thought would be the last time. After that, I remember nothing. There was no pain, no fear, no dreams, nothing! Not even blackness. I saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing, thought nothing. Don't even remember "falling asleep" (of course we never really do when was go to bed each night. The next day you don't remember exactly when you fell asleep, right?) The only memories I have were when I was starting to wake up after what I was told was a 12 to 13 day long coma. I was out for nearly 2 weeks, but to me, it could have been 12 to 13 hours or 12 to 13 years. Time was irrelevant to me. I had dreams of seeing in my mind's eye what I can only describe as moving walls of "Christmas wrapping paper" and the sound of silly high pitched music like what you might hear at a circus or carnival. I think that was probably the sound of the beeping noise from the life support equipment that I could unconsciously hear and was created into "music" my mind's ear, so to speak. I also had dreams of being at home in front of my computer, but it wasn't my computer. But rather a large wall with monitors that did not show anything, but set up like a large tic tac toe square on the wall, and whatever I wanted or looked up on my "computer", would magically appear. Cars, women, bricks of gold. Very strange. While still in some state of coma, I remember wondering why has this never happened before? I also remember hearing the soft gentle voice of a female nurse telling me it will be all right. I had a series of tubes down my throat and she said that the doctor will have to take those out but he's not here right now. At some point, I started convulsing and I could hear the nurse say things like calm down, it will be ok, and injected me with something and then all I could feel was peace and a kind of gentle "falling backward into fog" as I fell to sleep again. At some point, I awoke and a doctor, probably a neurologist, walked in and asked me "what your name?" I told him. "Who is the president of the United States?" I told him (Trump at the time) and he just shook his head and said "unbelievable!" and walked out. I guess they figured I was going to be a vegetable or seriously brain damaged.
I don't know exactly what happened, but I must have been found some time that morning, about 6 or 7 o'clock in the morning, or about 6 or 7 hours after taking my N. For whatever reason, it was not enough time to kill me. Just put me into a deep sleep and gave me a very weak pulse that was still to be felt from what I was told later. Of course, I have no recollection of being "worked on" by paramedics. After awaking in the hospital, one of the other doctors told me I was very lucky because they said I was dead or very VERY near death and that he had never had a patient so close to death and still come back. He even said "I guess it wasn't your time to go yet", or words to that effect.
Well, I made a full recovery and in the past 3 years since this happened, my life has only gotten worse still. My dogs have died, my mother, who was my best and only friend has sunk into Alzheimer's disease and doesn't remember much of anything, and is now in a long term care facility. Because of COVID, I can't come to see her, thus can't she see me. The next time I get to see her, whenever that will be, she may not remember who I am. It's a nightmare. Just waiting for my mother to die and I can't imagine living in a world without my mother. I don't have any siblings, no friends to speak of, and I am not married and don't have children. Thankfully, no kids to mourn my passing.
I have another batch of N that I purchased from a different Chinese supplier, "Johnson" from the PPeH book a few years back, and will try again. But this time I will use an "exit bag". This I think should speed up the process and kill me well within 6 to 7 hours. Perhaps as little as 2 hours. The N is a deep sedative and should peacefully knock me out within 2 or 3 minutes (as it did the first time) and keep me immobile so that the Hypercapnic Alarm Response would not kick in when CO2 levels inside the bag build up while I'm out. I was planning on using a 96 gallon garbage bag. Why so large? I read that a 30 gallon bag would have enough air in for 30 minutes, but realistically, closer to 15 minutes, before the CO2 levels build up. If that is accurate, then a 96 gallon bag would offer about 45 minutes and that should be plenty of time for the N to take full hold of me and keep me immobilized in a deep sleep/coma, overriding any Hypercapnic Alarm Response.
An older version of the PPeH book explains how using over-the-counter sleeping pills as a sedative, like Temaze / Temazepam oxazepam / Serapax Nitrazepam / Mogadon all from the benzodiazepine family of drugs/sleeping pills and are not lethal in and of themselves, even in overdose. But crushing up 25 tablets of these pills in water would be a reliable and peaceful way to go using an Exit Bag as the pills will sedate the taker before the Hypercapnic Alarm Response activates. If that is accurate, the same should be true after taking a high overdose of N. If I had used a bag 3 years ago, I probably would not be here today. I would have had a successful exit then on my first try. But I can do it again with my N (this time take more, perhaps over 20 grams) and use a bag and I should be left undisturbed for at least 8 to 10 hours if I take this at midnight. By the way, I also have a bottle of Sodium Azide (SA) and Sodium Nitrite (SN), found both on Amazon, and have been debating if one of those would be just as good or better than N, only because the last time the N failed me. But then again, that may not have been the fault of the N, but to being found an hour or 2 too early. If I had not been found when I was, maybe I would have expired, catching the bus as I wanted to if I had been found an extra hour or 2 later. No way to know, just speculation. I do know that N slows your central nervous system (CNS) and your breathing slows and eventually stops, but that could take hours, every person is different. This is why I am going to use the bag in conjunction with the N the next time (with slower and more shallow breathing, having a 96 gallon bag over me may allow for more than 45 minutes of air before CO2 levels build up, maybe more than an hour, who knows? But it should do me in after about 2 hours. I get that time figure from the PPeH book detailing the story of an Australian man who successfully did himself in using those sleeping pills mentioned above, a shot of whiskey to wash away the bitter taste, and an exit bag that he made. He waited for the sleeping pills to take effect by using his thumbs to hold the bag open so he could breathe, but as he fell asleep, his arms would fall down, allowing the elastic at the opening of the bag to gently fit around his neck and within about 1 or 2 hours, he was gone. I expect similar results with my N, some whiskey, and a large bag. I also plan to wear a cap or visor as the bill/brim will keep the bag from being sucked into my mouth when I am out. I also think another important point that not many have thought of is to be sure to clean out one's bowels before taking any N or SN or whatever. It seems to me that you not only want to have an empty stomach (to help avoid vomiting), but you also want to have empty intestines so that your N or SN will be fully absorbed down there to enter your bloodstream as quickly as possible. If one is constipated, that may not happen and possibly result in failure. So I plan to clean myself out in the days before I go using psyllium seeds husks. This should increase my chances of a successful exit. If anyone has any thoughts or comments on what I've posted here, please share. Thanks for reading.
A few years go by and my life was getting worse and it was time for me to go. One night at about midnight, after preparing everything carefully in advance to be propped up in my bed (not lying down), took several stat doses of antiemetic (Domperidone, aka: Motilium) 30 minutes prior to avoid potential vomiting, and swallowed 15 grams of dissolved N in a 50ml of water, followed by a shot of vodka, positioned myself in bed and closed my eyes for what I thought would be the last time. After that, I remember nothing. There was no pain, no fear, no dreams, nothing! Not even blackness. I saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing, thought nothing. Don't even remember "falling asleep" (of course we never really do when was go to bed each night. The next day you don't remember exactly when you fell asleep, right?) The only memories I have were when I was starting to wake up after what I was told was a 12 to 13 day long coma. I was out for nearly 2 weeks, but to me, it could have been 12 to 13 hours or 12 to 13 years. Time was irrelevant to me. I had dreams of seeing in my mind's eye what I can only describe as moving walls of "Christmas wrapping paper" and the sound of silly high pitched music like what you might hear at a circus or carnival. I think that was probably the sound of the beeping noise from the life support equipment that I could unconsciously hear and was created into "music" my mind's ear, so to speak. I also had dreams of being at home in front of my computer, but it wasn't my computer. But rather a large wall with monitors that did not show anything, but set up like a large tic tac toe square on the wall, and whatever I wanted or looked up on my "computer", would magically appear. Cars, women, bricks of gold. Very strange. While still in some state of coma, I remember wondering why has this never happened before? I also remember hearing the soft gentle voice of a female nurse telling me it will be all right. I had a series of tubes down my throat and she said that the doctor will have to take those out but he's not here right now. At some point, I started convulsing and I could hear the nurse say things like calm down, it will be ok, and injected me with something and then all I could feel was peace and a kind of gentle "falling backward into fog" as I fell to sleep again. At some point, I awoke and a doctor, probably a neurologist, walked in and asked me "what your name?" I told him. "Who is the president of the United States?" I told him (Trump at the time) and he just shook his head and said "unbelievable!" and walked out. I guess they figured I was going to be a vegetable or seriously brain damaged.
I don't know exactly what happened, but I must have been found some time that morning, about 6 or 7 o'clock in the morning, or about 6 or 7 hours after taking my N. For whatever reason, it was not enough time to kill me. Just put me into a deep sleep and gave me a very weak pulse that was still to be felt from what I was told later. Of course, I have no recollection of being "worked on" by paramedics. After awaking in the hospital, one of the other doctors told me I was very lucky because they said I was dead or very VERY near death and that he had never had a patient so close to death and still come back. He even said "I guess it wasn't your time to go yet", or words to that effect.
Well, I made a full recovery and in the past 3 years since this happened, my life has only gotten worse still. My dogs have died, my mother, who was my best and only friend has sunk into Alzheimer's disease and doesn't remember much of anything, and is now in a long term care facility. Because of COVID, I can't come to see her, thus can't she see me. The next time I get to see her, whenever that will be, she may not remember who I am. It's a nightmare. Just waiting for my mother to die and I can't imagine living in a world without my mother. I don't have any siblings, no friends to speak of, and I am not married and don't have children. Thankfully, no kids to mourn my passing.
I have another batch of N that I purchased from a different Chinese supplier, "Johnson" from the PPeH book a few years back, and will try again. But this time I will use an "exit bag". This I think should speed up the process and kill me well within 6 to 7 hours. Perhaps as little as 2 hours. The N is a deep sedative and should peacefully knock me out within 2 or 3 minutes (as it did the first time) and keep me immobile so that the Hypercapnic Alarm Response would not kick in when CO2 levels inside the bag build up while I'm out. I was planning on using a 96 gallon garbage bag. Why so large? I read that a 30 gallon bag would have enough air in for 30 minutes, but realistically, closer to 15 minutes, before the CO2 levels build up. If that is accurate, then a 96 gallon bag would offer about 45 minutes and that should be plenty of time for the N to take full hold of me and keep me immobilized in a deep sleep/coma, overriding any Hypercapnic Alarm Response.
An older version of the PPeH book explains how using over-the-counter sleeping pills as a sedative, like Temaze / Temazepam oxazepam / Serapax Nitrazepam / Mogadon all from the benzodiazepine family of drugs/sleeping pills and are not lethal in and of themselves, even in overdose. But crushing up 25 tablets of these pills in water would be a reliable and peaceful way to go using an Exit Bag as the pills will sedate the taker before the Hypercapnic Alarm Response activates. If that is accurate, the same should be true after taking a high overdose of N. If I had used a bag 3 years ago, I probably would not be here today. I would have had a successful exit then on my first try. But I can do it again with my N (this time take more, perhaps over 20 grams) and use a bag and I should be left undisturbed for at least 8 to 10 hours if I take this at midnight. By the way, I also have a bottle of Sodium Azide (SA) and Sodium Nitrite (SN), found both on Amazon, and have been debating if one of those would be just as good or better than N, only because the last time the N failed me. But then again, that may not have been the fault of the N, but to being found an hour or 2 too early. If I had not been found when I was, maybe I would have expired, catching the bus as I wanted to if I had been found an extra hour or 2 later. No way to know, just speculation. I do know that N slows your central nervous system (CNS) and your breathing slows and eventually stops, but that could take hours, every person is different. This is why I am going to use the bag in conjunction with the N the next time (with slower and more shallow breathing, having a 96 gallon bag over me may allow for more than 45 minutes of air before CO2 levels build up, maybe more than an hour, who knows? But it should do me in after about 2 hours. I get that time figure from the PPeH book detailing the story of an Australian man who successfully did himself in using those sleeping pills mentioned above, a shot of whiskey to wash away the bitter taste, and an exit bag that he made. He waited for the sleeping pills to take effect by using his thumbs to hold the bag open so he could breathe, but as he fell asleep, his arms would fall down, allowing the elastic at the opening of the bag to gently fit around his neck and within about 1 or 2 hours, he was gone. I expect similar results with my N, some whiskey, and a large bag. I also plan to wear a cap or visor as the bill/brim will keep the bag from being sucked into my mouth when I am out. I also think another important point that not many have thought of is to be sure to clean out one's bowels before taking any N or SN or whatever. It seems to me that you not only want to have an empty stomach (to help avoid vomiting), but you also want to have empty intestines so that your N or SN will be fully absorbed down there to enter your bloodstream as quickly as possible. If one is constipated, that may not happen and possibly result in failure. So I plan to clean myself out in the days before I go using psyllium seeds husks. This should increase my chances of a successful exit. If anyone has any thoughts or comments on what I've posted here, please share. Thanks for reading.
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that sounds quite extraordinary. i didnt even think it was possible (in fact i myself responded to a thread and told somebody it was nearly impossible). it sounds like you did everything right, yet it still didnt work.
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GreenMile
Member
- Aug 3, 2021
- 95
Thankyou for sharing this @just_wanna_die Were you on medication at the time ? The PPH does say in exceptional circumstances 24 hours maybe required.
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peacefulhorizons
Wizard
- Dec 31, 2019
- 676
He didn't follow the method (he openly admits this) by not giving himself 24 hours or more alone. No fault of the method. Most people will succumb within a few hours but there's always outliers and you will never know if you are going to be an outlier or not.
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he was still alive and breathing after 7 hours you're telling me that's normal? no, that's very, very unusual.
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peacefulhorizons
Wizard
- Dec 31, 2019
- 676
Being alive at the 7 hour mark is not unheard of. That's more time than it takes for most people to ctb but not an extreme outlier. If he had an extra hour or two, he wouldn't have very likely survived.
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Hi and thanks for your question @GreenMile. No, I was not (and still am not) on any medications for anything. I guess I was too darn healthy! But yes, I had also read, prior to my attempt, about some exceptional cases that may take many hours, 24 hours, and even 72 hours. The details were sketchy, only offering that 1 such case was of a very heavyset man, perhaps some 300lbs, and despite being in a hospital during most of that time, he did die in the end. I'm fairly slender at 170-175lbs and 6' 1" tall. So I did not really think it would take that long for me to expire. Before my attempt, I had found online charts of the estimated time of death for most people who took N from those euthanasia groups like Dignitas and others, and it was anywhere within minutes (very old/weak/sick people) to that 1 case of a heavy man taking some 3 days to go if my memory is correct. But something like 70% to 80% were dead within 2 or 3 hours after ingesting N. So naturally, I figured that would similar for me. Even if it took twice as much time (4 to 6 hours), there was still a "cushion" of time and the likelihood of being found and/or revived during that time frame was slim. Apparently, I was able to slip under the wire into that "slim" section. So as they say "live and learn", which is why next time I will use my remaining batch of N with a bag. I may do it at home in bed or I may take it outside. I live in a rural area with lots of trees and brush. I have already scouted out some possible locations that would be reasonably well hidden and by the time it was discovered I was not home, it would probably take several extra hours to find where in the bush I am, not knowing where to begin looking. One objection to this is that it could probably lead to the police setting up a large search party, with dogs and helicopters for all I know. I would not want to cause such a public fuss like that. This is why I like the bag with my N as a faster and perhaps more secure way to peacefully cbt for good.
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Imagine how I felt when I woke up in a hospital and was told that I have been in a coma for almost 2 weeks. Not exactly the news I wanted to hear! The funny thing is, when you want to cbt, you will never know if you were successful ... UNLESS you wake up in a hospital. When you're dead, you won't know you're dead -or that you were ever alive! There is no more you to know anything! (As a side note, I read the ancient book by Lucretius, "On The Nature of Things" (written about 50 B.C.) and he has a large section on death and how it is nothing to us. Very interesting and based on my own personal experience from 3 years ago, I think he was right. Whatever fear of death I may have had in the past is gone.
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GreenMile
Member
- Aug 3, 2021
- 95
I really appreciate your answer to my question, it's very valuable information. Your answer to @juraviel is really interesting as well.
Is it the blankness of the experience ? I can understand that from the point of view of the indifference of the dead, though for me, that doesn't remove trepidation from living. You don't care if you aren't there I guess !
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@just_wanna_die Thank you so much for sharing, really rare experience.
I feel like N is similar to for example condoms in a sense, that on a functional level it would work almost 100% for protection/ctb, but due to user errors, circumstances and faulty product there are some failures.
If you manage to not get found for a longer span of time, make the neccecary prep and can test your N, there is almost no chance of failure. It's really fascinating
I feel like N is similar to for example condoms in a sense, that on a functional level it would work almost 100% for protection/ctb, but due to user errors, circumstances and faulty product there are some failures.
If you manage to not get found for a longer span of time, make the neccecary prep and can test your N, there is almost no chance of failure. It's really fascinating
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@CiproKilledMe I was in the hospital for about 3 weeks (and racked up US$190k in hospital & related bills, none of which I can pay, so if I were left alone, they wouldn't have to pick up that tab either!)
By the way, I did follow the PPeH protocol of eating some dry toast about an hour before I took my N that night. To the best of my knowledge, I did not vomit anything up.
After being in a coma for 2 weeks, my circadian rhythms were all screwed up and I was not able to sleep for literally days! It got so bad that I was hallucinating and hearing voices in my head who I thought were doctors making fun of me and inviting me to their houseboat for a party, all the while I would sometimes wonder why am I in a college dorm room with all these younger 20 something nurses (male & female) coming in and out all the time. I'd never had any hallucinations before, so that was really strange. I also had a bit of pneumonia too after being intubated for those 2 weeks, so that had to be cleared up first with antibiotics. The rehab was mostly getting the strength back into my legs so I could walk again. Although I've been walking daily for decades, it's amazing how 2 weeks of not walking will make you lose your ability to walk! After I was given the all-clear, they naturally sent me to a psych ward where I "volunteered" to be for 7 days. This was a total waste of time and nothing was gained. They wanted me to take some psych meds, but I refused. I told them that I don't have some chemical imbalance in my brain, I have a life that is not worth living anymore. All I have to look forward to is a constant parade of headaches and heartaches. I don't need to hang around another 25 to 35 years suffering through all that sadness and sorrow and in the end, die anyway as some broken, enfeebled old man trapped in a nursing home! So yeah, after 7 days I was released and that was that.
You're welcome @GreenMile.
I suppose it is, as you aptly put it, the blankness of the experience. There is simply nothing after one dies. And nothing is not some other form of something. Nothing is nothing.
For any Christians out there, even the Bible backs me up on this: After death a person: returns to dust (Genesis 3:19, Psalms 104:29), knows nothing (Ecclesiastes 9:5), possesses no mental powers (Psalms 146:4), has nothing to do with anything on earth (Ecclesiastes 9:6, 12:7), does not live (2 Kings 20:1), is in the grave (Job 17:13), and continues not (Job 7:9, 14:10, 12).
Ecclesiastes 3:18 - 21. "I also said to myself, "As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"
I find the part that says "everything is meaningless" to be true. Everything is meaningless. Makes no difference how smart one is, or good looking, rich, famous, etc..., at the end, whatever our accomplishments and failures in life are, it will all become meaningless to us all. As the ancient philosopher Epicurus (341-270 B.C.) basically put it, "When I am present, death is not. When death is present, I am not." Kind of like being in a room with an in-door and out-door. When death walks in, you walk out, never seeing, meeting, or experiencing death. Death is the absence of all awareness and sensation. When you are dead, you will not know you are dead because there is no more you to know anything. By the same token, you will also not know you were ever alive! Death is not a concern for the living because they are alive. Death is not a concern for the dead because they are dead. Being dead is like never having been born. Think of the eons of time that have come and gone before you were born. Was there anything there to be afraid of? It is like nature (or God or the universe, or whatever/whoever) is holding up a mirror to show us what the eons of time will be like after we die. So despite our human capacity to dream up ideas of an afterlife in heaven or hell or nirvana or reincarnation, or whatever, being dead is just a permanent state of unconsciousness. In much the same way that sleep is a temporary state of unconsciousness.
To explore that point a bit more. The closest thing we have to death in life is something we do every day....sleep! Dream researchers tell us that the typical person dreams about 3 hours or so a night. Not all in one block of time, but throughout the night, 5 minutes here, 30 minutes there, maybe for 45 minutes a little later, and so on. But typically, most people sleep 6 to 8 hours a night....so what are we doing during those 4 or 5 hours each night when we aren't dreaming? We are "dead to the world". We sometimes remember some of our dreams when we awake, but we don't remember not dreaming because there is nothing to remember! When we are sunk in deep sleep, we have no concern for ourselves, no frets, no fears, no worries, we see nothing, we hear nothing, we feel nothing, and we could stay that way for all time and never know the difference if we have died. Again, death is nothing to us. Sorry for such a lengthy reply.
Yes, I think that is a good analogy. Nothing in this world is 100% foolproof. Things can and will go wrong and the best laid plans for life, a vacation ... or a suicide can go awry. I would say that the 2 most important parts are to have something that will work (like as pure N as you can find, or whatever it is that you will use, and I have no doubt the N I used was at least 85% pure, possibly higher, due to the fact I was in a deep coma for 2 weeks and I was told later that there was serious consideration I would not come out of it and the "plug" would need to be pulled before long if I didn't. In fact, while I was at the hospital recovering, I had become something of a "celebrity" of sorts because I was the guy who "died and came back to life" and the various nurses and doctors all wanted to see me while I was there) and the second part is to be sure to NOT be found too soon! That was probably my biggest mistake, underestimating the time it would take for me to cbt.
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sully
Experienced
- Jul 27, 2021
- 231
I'm sorry, you mentioned that you have no family and you were at home… whi discovered you? Ot it was your mom?
Anyway, 24 hours rule is a must, maybe even more… personally I find this detal one of the most difficult ones.
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peacefulhorizons
Wizard
- Dec 31, 2019
- 676
Most people book a hotel for two nights to take care of the 24 hours alone part.
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm very sorry to hear that your life hasn't improved since then so my condolences.
Out of all the things you have in your possession, N is still the best option in my opinion and what I would personally use. There's really no need to reinvent the wheel for your second attempt. I would definitely send a sample of your N from J to Energy Control in Spain for quantitative testing. I have heard the purity of J's N was all over the place (that was before I knew about N lol). I have heard as low as 20% right before he disappeared so testing is very important. I would aim for 9 grams or higher of pure N.
The most important thing for you is not being found for at least 24 hours as you realized this is why you failed your first attempt. A lot of people elect to book a hotel for two nights (with a do not disturb sign to avoid housekeeping after the first night) if they don't live alone or aren't comfortable with ctbing in their own home/residence for personal reasons. A lot of people gloss over the importance of not being found for at least 24 hours. I mean it's not exactly their fault because the PPH doesn't really stress this detail that much sadly.
As for the plastic bag, it's completely unnecessary if you are given enough time alone. It theoretically wouldn't hurt anything so it's a personal choice but I personally wouldn't want a plastic bag over my head if I went through the trouble to acquire N lol.
Bowel prep wouldn't help at whole imo. Not to mention it's unpleasant and could cause some nasuea and/or an upset stomach. N is rapidly aborbed through the stomach and the small intestine (bowel prep mostly focuses on the large intestine) is why it woudn't be exactly helpful.
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GreenMile
Member
- Aug 3, 2021
- 95
I haven't had the chance to talk with someone who's had a Lazarus like experience like yours, let alone going so far down that path with N, so your comments are gold dust for me. That the void wasn't frightening until waking is so good to hear. Waking up was/is another story.
I think I can understand, at least in part, your point of view, especially as you mention Lucretius.
I'm reading a philosopher at the moment who says that the meaninglessness of life is the one reason to live, in part he says it just to be provocative I think but mostly, as an existentialist, he's a fan of embracing that lack of meaning .
Suicide should be kept as an escape hatch, he writes, , but the act in itself is problematical because it is always happens too late to actually address the problems of life. Embrace the melancholy and exile of existence he goes on, giving into despair can liberate and fortify as the delusion of hope evaporates there is at least the visceral sense of being alive, the Quickening, can be felt.
But, he also writes about how nice it will be to leap into the void. I'm looking forward to that I'm very lucky in that I have time and space to organize, understand and make sure that it's done right, thanks for your insight @just_wanna_die
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Thank you for your condolences @forevernonescaped. It's just the way of life. We all have an unavoidable appointment with death. It's that for me and my family (parents), that we are all rapidly running out of time to exist much longer. I always knew this day would come and I used to talk about this with my mother. But she would say that was still 20 or 30 years away. Well, 20 or 30 years have passed and here it is already. Perhaps with all that is happening now in the world (re: COVID and the ensuing lockdowns, economic hardships, the heavy hand of government on all of us, rising inflation & crime, etc...) maybe my mother has effectively chosen the best time to pass away. Probably better to go during the bad times than the good times.
I have thought that too, that the N I have is the best option. The N from J was purchased well before he disappeared and before the Spanish testing lab came on the scene. I've heard all sorts of things from that lab too that they were not as reliable as first thought. So like everything, it's a crapshoot. I have 25 grams of N from J and I will probably use at least 20, if not all of it, with a bag as extra "insurance". I understand that some people don't like the idea of a bag over their head. But really, after passing out, you won't know the difference.
The bowel prep was a thought just to be on the safe side. I've taken cleanses like this in the past and it worked just fine and there was no nausea or up-set stomach. This would be done probably the day before I plan my exit anyway. Eat lightly during the last day, fast for the hours leading up to the time with only toast and some whiskey. But I thank you for your thoughts on it.
@GreenMile Haha, yeah, a Lazarus experience is a good one. Actually, the only thing I fear from suicide is failing again. I certainly don't want to wake up a second time in a hospital and go through the "Twilight Zone" again. So when the time is right, I hope it will take and it will be over. The world will go on without me just as it had in the past before I came along.
I found the works of Epicurus and Lucretius to have been quite helpful being at peace with all of our eventual passing.
The Epicurean epitaph: Non fui, fui, non sum, non curo ("I was not; I was; I am not; I do not care") pretty much sums it all up.
Also, Mark Twain had some good quotes as well and obviously read the works of Lucretius himself.
"I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it."
~Mark Twain
Indeed. Life is full of endless inconveniences but death has none.
Or this one:
Life was not a valuable gift, but death was.
Life was a fever-dream made up of joys embittered by sorrows,
pleasure poisoned by pain; a dream that was a nightmare-confusion of spasmodic
and fleeting delights, ecstasies, exultations, happinesses, interspersed with long-drawn
miseries, griefs, perils, horrors, disappointments, defeats, humiliations, and despairs--
the heaviest curse devisable by divine ingenuity; but death was sweet, death was gentle,
death was kind; death healed the bruised spirit and the broken heart, and gave them rest
and forgetfulness; death was man's best friend; when man could endure life no longer,
death came and set him free.
~Letters from the Earth, Mark Twain (1909)
I found this some years ago and I thought he put into words what I was feeling but could not put into words at the time.
Or this:
"The great thing about science is that it's true whether you believe it or not. It's not a question of what your beliefs are. When the heart is no longer able to pump enough oxygen to the brain, the brain will stop working. When the brain stops working, every one of your thoughts, every memory, every aspect of your personality will cease to exist. There is absolutely zero evidence that any aspect of who you are will survive your death, and no reason to think that your consciousness can survive independently of your (soon to be rotting or cremated) brain, since consciousness itself seems to be purely a product of brain function. [try to envision consciousness as a process rather than as an object. Consciousness is a process of the brain.] You will have no awareness of oblivion; you'll have no awareness of anything once you're dead, because 'you' no longer exist in anything other than corpse form."
~Neil de Grasse Tyson, astrophysicist
Then there is this, something that is probably on the minds of everyone on this forum:
Is suicide a sin?
Many people assume the Bible condemns taking one's own life. However, even a careful reader will search in vain for any explicit prohibition of self-killing in the Bible. In fact, the biblical attitude toward suicide ranges from ambivalence to praise. There are seven unambiguous examples of suicide in the Bible: Abimelech, mortally wounded by a millstone, ordered his armor-bearer to dispatch him to avoid the suggestion he had been slain by the woman who had thrown the stone (Judg 9:52-54); the prophet Ahithophel hanged himself after betraying David (2Sam 17:23); Zimri burned down his house around himself after military defeat (1Kgs 16:18); and the more familiar stories of Saul and his armor-bearer (1Sam 1:1-6; 1Chr 10:1-6), Samson, (Judg 16:28), and, of course, Jesus' disciple Judas—although it is only in Matthew's Gospel where he kills himself (Matt 27:3-5; compare with Acts 1:18). There is nothing in any of these stories to suggest that the biblical narrators disapprove of the characters' suicides.
Suicide in the ancient world did not carry the same negative connotations as it does today. For Greco-Roman philosophers, suicide in correct circumstances constituted a "noble death." Socrates (469-399 B.C.) chose to drink hemlock rather than endure exile, a choice enthusiastically endorsed by most of the philosophical schools at the time. If carried out for country or friends, or in the face of intolerable pain, incurable disease, devastating misfortune or shame, or to avoid capture on the battlefield, suicide constituted a noble death.
Who is this philosopher you are reading? Seems like a very contradictory thing to say that the meaninglessness of life is the reason to live. Then write how nice it would be to leap into the void. Well, to each his or her own. It is your life, you can choose to do what you want at any time. Live until you can no longer or cut it short because you cannot bare it any longer.
From Lucretius:
For if there is going to be unhappiness and suffering, the person must also himself
exist at that same time, for the evil to be able to befall him. Since death robs him of this,
preventing the existence of the person for the evils to be heaped upon, you can tell that
there is nothing for us to fear in death, that he who does not exist cannot be unhappy, and
that when immortal death snatches away a mortal life it is no different from never having
been born.
I'll close with how Lucretius closes his section on death with this:
Nor do we, or can we, by prolonging life subtract anything from the time of death, so as perhaps to
shorten our period of extinction! Hence you may live to see out as many centuries as you
like: no less will everlasting death await you. No shorter will be the period of nonexistence for one who has ended his life from today than for one who perished many months or years ago.
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mentalhealthfighter
Lets win together
- Jun 15, 2021
- 362
Which philosopher is that bro? I want to read it
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I never heard of J's N? Is that another seller in addition to A & D? thanks for any feedback.
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peacefulhorizons
Wizard
- Dec 31, 2019
- 676
He was a seller back in 2016 I believe. He is long gone out of the N market lol.
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