reyonrays
Death brings peace, the ultimate release.
- Oct 27, 2024
- 70
Hi everyone,
I'm new here, just joined a couple days ago.
I'm very bad at wording and talking so apologies for the grammar and some repeatedness.
Starting from 1 week ago, i've been thinking more and more about ctb, through SS i have been introduced to couple methods i was never aware of.
I live in a country, where assisted suicide (euthanasia) is legal, where the patient get administered the substance called nebutal, the most peaceful way to ctb, but also impossible to get.
Anyways, I decided not to go that route, before you are allowed to do that, you have to mentally and/or psychically suffer, and have to talk to couple psychiatrist in order to be allowed to die, and not only that, the procedure can take couple months.
3 days ago i mentioned to my mom i wanted to apply for euthanasia, and she wasn't happy about it, in the car she was shaking, and after parking, she sat there for couple of seconds in silence, and told me, not an exact quote, "can't believe you are thinking about this, ofcourse i will be sad about it, you are my son."
Kinda difficult to commit to a suicide thinking how my mother felt about it during our conversation in the car, about the euthanasia.
However, looking at my life now, i believe this is it for me.
I have a severe condition of Hikikomori, for 2 years now, coupled with conditions like ocd, adhd, autism and depression.
I currently suffer from neurological condition called functional cervical dystonia, don't want to go into it, because i'm tired of talking about it :)
It seems there is no help that will ease my condition, i'm sick and tired of going to doctors and leaving with 0 help.
I refuse to live in my room, doing nothing, and keep living with this condition, where going outside is even a big hassle and commitment.
I currently take evaluation test at a psychiatrist centre, and told her on my last talk, that i was thinking about suicide, told her couple things and even hinting at her, i was expecting some kind of help from her, i didnt even get a welfare check, this just shows that some people just dont care, besides the very few people that do.
I only told my psychologist and the person mentioned above and bless her, my mother.
Currently i'm in preparation to gather supplies and medicines to ctb using the sn method.
Getting the sn will be probably easier.
The only issue and time consuming will be the medicines.
I have a very kind and helpfull local doctor, today my mother visited the doctor through an appointment i took yesterday, i told her i wont be coming and told her to ask for the doctor Metoclopramide and oxazepam or valium.
Apparently my mother told the doctor about the euthanasia thing, bless the doctor she told her, i really want to talk with your son, i can even come to your house and talk with him, etc
Apparently the oxazepam or valium were old medicines and very strong, so i think she only prescribed Metoclopramide.
The other ones i can order from the black market or visit my local doctor and make some stuff up without mentioning the suicide thing, i know the doctor will prescribe it for me, because i know how kind hearted and helpfull she is. But i dont want to think about the doctor feeling it was her fault of prescribing it if she knew i died, so there is that too.
The question when will i do it, depends on when i have everything ready to go.
I'm not completely sure where i will do it.
It's most definitely not going to be at home, the reason is that my room is my comfort zone, where i am free of anxiety, i dont know how to explain it, but i feel safe at home, and trying to ctb at home, in a relaxed environment, i dont think i can commit.
Ideal place for me would be outside, in my car, in a place free from sound and eyes.
Set a couple of delayed messages, and writing a farewell note and printing it leaving in a secluded area in my room, and telling the location in the message.
Thinking about death, even experiencing is for some, me included a scary thought, but looking back at your life, current situation, how your life is going, makes it less scary.
Anyways this is getting too long sorry for that, this is going to be my last message, i'll probably do one last thread, the day of ctb, take care!
I'm new here, just joined a couple days ago.
I'm very bad at wording and talking so apologies for the grammar and some repeatedness.
Starting from 1 week ago, i've been thinking more and more about ctb, through SS i have been introduced to couple methods i was never aware of.
I live in a country, where assisted suicide (euthanasia) is legal, where the patient get administered the substance called nebutal, the most peaceful way to ctb, but also impossible to get.
Anyways, I decided not to go that route, before you are allowed to do that, you have to mentally and/or psychically suffer, and have to talk to couple psychiatrist in order to be allowed to die, and not only that, the procedure can take couple months.
3 days ago i mentioned to my mom i wanted to apply for euthanasia, and she wasn't happy about it, in the car she was shaking, and after parking, she sat there for couple of seconds in silence, and told me, not an exact quote, "can't believe you are thinking about this, ofcourse i will be sad about it, you are my son."
Kinda difficult to commit to a suicide thinking how my mother felt about it during our conversation in the car, about the euthanasia.
However, looking at my life now, i believe this is it for me.
I have a severe condition of Hikikomori, for 2 years now, coupled with conditions like ocd, adhd, autism and depression.
I currently suffer from neurological condition called functional cervical dystonia, don't want to go into it, because i'm tired of talking about it :)
It seems there is no help that will ease my condition, i'm sick and tired of going to doctors and leaving with 0 help.
I refuse to live in my room, doing nothing, and keep living with this condition, where going outside is even a big hassle and commitment.
I currently take evaluation test at a psychiatrist centre, and told her on my last talk, that i was thinking about suicide, told her couple things and even hinting at her, i was expecting some kind of help from her, i didnt even get a welfare check, this just shows that some people just dont care, besides the very few people that do.
I only told my psychologist and the person mentioned above and bless her, my mother.
Currently i'm in preparation to gather supplies and medicines to ctb using the sn method.
Getting the sn will be probably easier.
The only issue and time consuming will be the medicines.
I have a very kind and helpfull local doctor, today my mother visited the doctor through an appointment i took yesterday, i told her i wont be coming and told her to ask for the doctor Metoclopramide and oxazepam or valium.
Apparently my mother told the doctor about the euthanasia thing, bless the doctor she told her, i really want to talk with your son, i can even come to your house and talk with him, etc
Apparently the oxazepam or valium were old medicines and very strong, so i think she only prescribed Metoclopramide.
The other ones i can order from the black market or visit my local doctor and make some stuff up without mentioning the suicide thing, i know the doctor will prescribe it for me, because i know how kind hearted and helpfull she is. But i dont want to think about the doctor feeling it was her fault of prescribing it if she knew i died, so there is that too.
The question when will i do it, depends on when i have everything ready to go.
I'm not completely sure where i will do it.
It's most definitely not going to be at home, the reason is that my room is my comfort zone, where i am free of anxiety, i dont know how to explain it, but i feel safe at home, and trying to ctb at home, in a relaxed environment, i dont think i can commit.
Ideal place for me would be outside, in my car, in a place free from sound and eyes.
Set a couple of delayed messages, and writing a farewell note and printing it leaving in a secluded area in my room, and telling the location in the message.
Thinking about death, even experiencing is for some, me included a scary thought, but looking back at your life, current situation, how your life is going, makes it less scary.
Anyways this is getting too long sorry for that, this is going to be my last message, i'll probably do one last thread, the day of ctb, take care!
