Hello everyone, my name is Aston. This will be a long post about how I fucked up due to wanting to please my parents and how I will probably pay dearly for not speaking up sooner.
My whole life I've felt out of place, first because of moving to another country while being a kid and then moving to yet another country when I was a teen. My childhood was overall good, though my teenage years were hard due to bullying in middle school and then being a total outsider at high school. It got so bad that from being one of the best students in middle school, I became a slacker and my grades drastically fell in high school. My parents and grandparents have always been telling me that I have to become a doctor because "no other job has a stable future and we can't see you doing anything else". I went along with it despite being total crap in high school biology and chemistry, but with my grades I could never get into a med school in my country.
After being called (or more likr shouted at) for being an absolute loser and idiot by my parents, they decided to offer me to go to a med school in Eastern Europe. Being dumb and naive and wanting to please my parents, I decided to go along with it instead of studying software engineering (where I was good enough in maths to get accepted immediately). The three years I've spent at that med school and country have been an absolute hell, I absolutely despise medicine, I was lonely, depressed and had a total burnout where I failed half of my exams this summer. I got called an idiot yet again, but my paarents agreed that I need a break for a year. During this break, I've decided how much I despise medicine and the horrendous professors and teaching methods, not to mention the insane amount of debt that I've had to go into so I could study there and keep my parents happy. I told them yesterday that I would've preferred to study something else when I still had the chance and they started shouting at me yet again, about how I am a total loser without med school, how med school is the only thing that my father has been proud of about me and how withou med school they will basically kick me out and I'll live the rest of my life on welfare, barely being able to afford food and clothes.
In other words, my life is in shambles right now, I have no will to go on with this anymore, I'm in debt and I simply just eant to stop existing. I've decided that after new year, I'll try the night-night method and if that doesn't work I'll order SN and just end it all. I'm tired of this shit, I simply want to be put to rest, this is no life worth living if the only way to survive is drag along, face in the mud just so parents and grandparents can be happy. I only feel sad for my siblings, cousins and few good friends that I've had along the way, but at least on my siblings part I hope that this will be a wake up call for my parents to stop their neurotic abusive behaviour and act like some kind of saints in front of other people while their child suffers. I just hope that I had the courage not to go up with their plan three years a go and spoke up sooner and took life into my own hands. Also, just to clarify, I don't blame my parents, I only blame my stupid self always wanting to please everyone and never showing my opinions or how I feel about something. Now I am going to pay for that, I just hope that the afterlife (or lack of it) will be better than this.
My whole life I've felt out of place, first because of moving to another country while being a kid and then moving to yet another country when I was a teen. My childhood was overall good, though my teenage years were hard due to bullying in middle school and then being a total outsider at high school. It got so bad that from being one of the best students in middle school, I became a slacker and my grades drastically fell in high school. My parents and grandparents have always been telling me that I have to become a doctor because "no other job has a stable future and we can't see you doing anything else". I went along with it despite being total crap in high school biology and chemistry, but with my grades I could never get into a med school in my country.
After being called (or more likr shouted at) for being an absolute loser and idiot by my parents, they decided to offer me to go to a med school in Eastern Europe. Being dumb and naive and wanting to please my parents, I decided to go along with it instead of studying software engineering (where I was good enough in maths to get accepted immediately). The three years I've spent at that med school and country have been an absolute hell, I absolutely despise medicine, I was lonely, depressed and had a total burnout where I failed half of my exams this summer. I got called an idiot yet again, but my paarents agreed that I need a break for a year. During this break, I've decided how much I despise medicine and the horrendous professors and teaching methods, not to mention the insane amount of debt that I've had to go into so I could study there and keep my parents happy. I told them yesterday that I would've preferred to study something else when I still had the chance and they started shouting at me yet again, about how I am a total loser without med school, how med school is the only thing that my father has been proud of about me and how withou med school they will basically kick me out and I'll live the rest of my life on welfare, barely being able to afford food and clothes.
In other words, my life is in shambles right now, I have no will to go on with this anymore, I'm in debt and I simply just eant to stop existing. I've decided that after new year, I'll try the night-night method and if that doesn't work I'll order SN and just end it all. I'm tired of this shit, I simply want to be put to rest, this is no life worth living if the only way to survive is drag along, face in the mud just so parents and grandparents can be happy. I only feel sad for my siblings, cousins and few good friends that I've had along the way, but at least on my siblings part I hope that this will be a wake up call for my parents to stop their neurotic abusive behaviour and act like some kind of saints in front of other people while their child suffers. I just hope that I had the courage not to go up with their plan three years a go and spoke up sooner and took life into my own hands. Also, just to clarify, I don't blame my parents, I only blame my stupid self always wanting to please everyone and never showing my opinions or how I feel about something. Now I am going to pay for that, I just hope that the afterlife (or lack of it) will be better than this.
