kiiyaa
huh?
- Sep 10, 2023
- 16
been a bit. so i took the rest of my hydroxyzine like tuesday morning at school hoping to like idk pass out in the middle of a lecture. but i think since i ate a bigish breakfast it didnt rly kick in til around lunch like 12 or 1pm. anyway when it did i got really fucking tired like my eyelids were super heavy. didnt feel much besides that though. my nose bled twice during the schoolday but im not sure if that was related. probably not.
the rest of the day i was really tired and i couldnt even talk right. i wasnt sure what i was writing on my schoolwork i was just doing it. turned it in even if it wasn't comprehensible. i got out of school and passed out on the way home. took an hour long nap in the car and went inside and went straight to bed. my body ached like i was sick, like i hsd a fever. slept from 5 to 11pm. woke up with blood pouring outta my nose- ive been having a lot of nosebleeds lately.
i thought it was the morning but it wasnt and i went back to sleep. woke up this morning, went to school. all day i felt so out of it. like my head was super fogged up and i didnt really know what i was doing. moving my body felt like a huge task; even my hands ached. my eyes were slow and it made me dizzy just looking up at the board and back down at my notes. i felt like i was floating around walking through the halls. it kinda felt like i wasnt even there. like i was on autopilot.
idk if all this was from those drugs or my declining mental health or maybe both but it was really weird. felt like i was living in third person for a day. anywho today was a half day so it wasnt that bad. got home and took a three hour long bath. i feel awake after that. more like my normal self. i was actually able to have a conversation with my brother after, it was sort of relieving.
now i've just got a huge headache and my feelings are coming back. at least when i was fucked on hydroxyzine i couldnt function enough to feel. like. anything. now im actually thinking and using my brain which isnt a good thing tbh. im feeling worthless and replaceable. like i really truly dont matter at all. and now im like "shit, i took the rest of those pills at school trying to be all quirky." man. time to get the benadryl ig. honestly i think i need genuine helo like im so not okay mentally. gonna see a psychologist. and if i cant get the meds (which is the only reason im gonna see a psychologist) i'll see a therapist ig and see where that takes me.
some part of me doesnt want to get better. i feel like i need a reason to be depressed and unhappy or whatever. but idk. maybe i'd actually look approachable if my mental state wasnt shit. talking about any of this makes me feel like im trying to be a pickme or quirky but honestly thats probably one of my biggest issues. im too worried about what other people think that i cant even think for myself.
damn.
the rest of the day i was really tired and i couldnt even talk right. i wasnt sure what i was writing on my schoolwork i was just doing it. turned it in even if it wasn't comprehensible. i got out of school and passed out on the way home. took an hour long nap in the car and went inside and went straight to bed. my body ached like i was sick, like i hsd a fever. slept from 5 to 11pm. woke up with blood pouring outta my nose- ive been having a lot of nosebleeds lately.
i thought it was the morning but it wasnt and i went back to sleep. woke up this morning, went to school. all day i felt so out of it. like my head was super fogged up and i didnt really know what i was doing. moving my body felt like a huge task; even my hands ached. my eyes were slow and it made me dizzy just looking up at the board and back down at my notes. i felt like i was floating around walking through the halls. it kinda felt like i wasnt even there. like i was on autopilot.
idk if all this was from those drugs or my declining mental health or maybe both but it was really weird. felt like i was living in third person for a day. anywho today was a half day so it wasnt that bad. got home and took a three hour long bath. i feel awake after that. more like my normal self. i was actually able to have a conversation with my brother after, it was sort of relieving.
now i've just got a huge headache and my feelings are coming back. at least when i was fucked on hydroxyzine i couldnt function enough to feel. like. anything. now im actually thinking and using my brain which isnt a good thing tbh. im feeling worthless and replaceable. like i really truly dont matter at all. and now im like "shit, i took the rest of those pills at school trying to be all quirky." man. time to get the benadryl ig. honestly i think i need genuine helo like im so not okay mentally. gonna see a psychologist. and if i cant get the meds (which is the only reason im gonna see a psychologist) i'll see a therapist ig and see where that takes me.
some part of me doesnt want to get better. i feel like i need a reason to be depressed and unhappy or whatever. but idk. maybe i'd actually look approachable if my mental state wasnt shit. talking about any of this makes me feel like im trying to be a pickme or quirky but honestly thats probably one of my biggest issues. im too worried about what other people think that i cant even think for myself.
damn.
