Justaroguegear
Tired
- Mar 11, 2020
- 78
Well I don't know this is just a frustrated inner monologue thing and I don't know where to start or how to end it but here it goes.
Firstly I don't like the word cope, I think in life the goal is to remove all things that you need to cope with. You can slowly change your needs and expectations or you can have a 2nd activity. Maybe this is overly simplified but yeah I don't like the 2nd one at all. Your problems should not need even more time to deal with.
We should just no care in the first place somehow.
But coping with existence and being alive is something I don't have any control over and must be done.
So I've been cutting out things from my life which I couldn't do properly anyway. Like constant cleanliness and going out or caring about status and so on. I think I didn't care in the first place but it's become more obvious recently. If my day was as packed as the average person, going non stop from work to social activities to work at home. I just couldn't do it all, or one thing really. I started out pretty badly in life, I was mostly fed properly and clothed and other than some physical abuse nothing else was going on (other than psychological trauma(I wasn't sexually assaulted)). So some people could've had it much worse and that's why I support the idea that some lives aren't worth living. If things were even worse I would hope I would've done the sensible thing by now.
The only way I could move forward was back to basics, I've had some luck so I had time to take care of myself physically and mentally and process a lot of things. But still I couldn't handle the life of a functional human, but I can participate in stuff, which I pick carefully and then I spend my time in isolation figuring things out.
So sometimes this takes me on an angry spiral about how things could've been different. My guardians (grandparents and parents) making better choices, me getting some freedom, some help, not the paranoid keep to yourself attitude a lot of people from that time have. Maybe being a selfish, independent paranoid fuck is how you survive in this world but that's not how you set up a child.
Anyway I think the damage was extensive, it's hard for me to think about what could've been and how much easier life would've been if I wasn't held back so much. It's really too crushing too think about.
All I can do to sort of conclude the spiral is to just accept that there's nothing that could've been done, better, worse it's just how it happened. No one is keeping track of my achievements, when I die, it's over. The difference between me and a fully fledged me, in the grand scheme of things, is very small.
And an ultimate version of me perhaps implies other issues, over worked, things going to my head,who knows. I meant it as successful as understood by the majority, but my
own values don't reflect that anymore, there's a only a shadow left.
But a "ultimate" wouldn't be like that so who even knows.
I am what the world made me. I'll spend my time trying to reduce my own suffering. No more no less. That's it.
Came from nothing and gonna go back to noting. I lost nothing.
Last part paraphrased from life of Brian.
Firstly I don't like the word cope, I think in life the goal is to remove all things that you need to cope with. You can slowly change your needs and expectations or you can have a 2nd activity. Maybe this is overly simplified but yeah I don't like the 2nd one at all. Your problems should not need even more time to deal with.
We should just no care in the first place somehow.
But coping with existence and being alive is something I don't have any control over and must be done.
So I've been cutting out things from my life which I couldn't do properly anyway. Like constant cleanliness and going out or caring about status and so on. I think I didn't care in the first place but it's become more obvious recently. If my day was as packed as the average person, going non stop from work to social activities to work at home. I just couldn't do it all, or one thing really. I started out pretty badly in life, I was mostly fed properly and clothed and other than some physical abuse nothing else was going on (other than psychological trauma(I wasn't sexually assaulted)). So some people could've had it much worse and that's why I support the idea that some lives aren't worth living. If things were even worse I would hope I would've done the sensible thing by now.
The only way I could move forward was back to basics, I've had some luck so I had time to take care of myself physically and mentally and process a lot of things. But still I couldn't handle the life of a functional human, but I can participate in stuff, which I pick carefully and then I spend my time in isolation figuring things out.
So sometimes this takes me on an angry spiral about how things could've been different. My guardians (grandparents and parents) making better choices, me getting some freedom, some help, not the paranoid keep to yourself attitude a lot of people from that time have. Maybe being a selfish, independent paranoid fuck is how you survive in this world but that's not how you set up a child.
Anyway I think the damage was extensive, it's hard for me to think about what could've been and how much easier life would've been if I wasn't held back so much. It's really too crushing too think about.
All I can do to sort of conclude the spiral is to just accept that there's nothing that could've been done, better, worse it's just how it happened. No one is keeping track of my achievements, when I die, it's over. The difference between me and a fully fledged me, in the grand scheme of things, is very small.
And an ultimate version of me perhaps implies other issues, over worked, things going to my head,who knows. I meant it as successful as understood by the majority, but my
own values don't reflect that anymore, there's a only a shadow left.
But a "ultimate" wouldn't be like that so who even knows.
I am what the world made me. I'll spend my time trying to reduce my own suffering. No more no less. That's it.
Came from nothing and gonna go back to noting. I lost nothing.
Last part paraphrased from life of Brian.
