BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
TL;DR Since I'm diagnosed with Depersonalization/Dissociative disorder, I can't trust myself.
Hi community,
Since I joined the forum for understanding my suicidal thoughts and attempts, I think that returning to Europe would improve my severe depression and give life a second chance, but it seems the same or worse.
Sure, I'm still intelligent. Sure, I speak 3 languages, although I don't consider my English good. Sure, meds can stabilize me and I can go back to tutoring, who is my dream job since I was 8 years old, but I'm struggling with trust myself.
Look, since my teen years I'm struggling with the bullying of being short (152 cm) and the "crazy" label. At school I was called "feé folle" (Crazy fairy) for my gothic/metal aesthetic, also struggling with the mourning of my mom in all collége.
Also, my deceased mom was always categorized as the crazy or deranged, black sheep of the family. Perhaps I got some genetic influence in all my current mental state, but I didn't see my own mom as double personality or something. Maybe sad, as her health was deteriorating, but perhaps as a child I didn't get any mental problem of her. So, am I repeating the cycle?
Look, both psychiatrist and psychotherapist agrees that my other personality is the one who Basqueclown wants to be: revenge, mischief maker and a sarcastic clown/jester who shits in the hypocrisy of society. I'm not aware of her: in two weeks I'll have a controlled session with the psychiatrist when I'll drop the antipsychotics (who supposedly prevents other self triggers it) and film all my session, since the last one it only took 10 minutes to pass from hypnosis into my other personality.
Look, I had to trust others, because I had almost all my family worried for my life, since the doctors were obligated by law to disclose my disorder and suicidal plans and attempts. So I'm trapped by a stupid Asenapine and Duloxetine when my days are looking for English comedy videos to cheer me up or simply stay at bed and masturbate more for boredom than horniness.
So I don't know how can I trust myself to recover. I'm aware right now because of my sedated state, but what if my other self is right now with me now? Perhaps I was misdiagnosed and have another mental disorder, I don't know, Shcizo or something?
Yes people said that I must love and trust myself, but being a pill slave is awful for me. barely I talk with two or three friends maximum, and play League of Legends when I'm not sleepy. Seriously the only thing that attaches to life is the action of my maternal family, since my dad only sends euros to my aunt and doesn't care about her daughter beyond that. It's hard to distinguish who wants to commit suicide: if myself, my alter or both of us.
I'm tired community. I'm tired of crying and being confused and hopeless. "Everything is going to be fine, Basque" yeah, but your mind doesn't have a dosage for retain itself, moron
Hi community,
Since I joined the forum for understanding my suicidal thoughts and attempts, I think that returning to Europe would improve my severe depression and give life a second chance, but it seems the same or worse.
Sure, I'm still intelligent. Sure, I speak 3 languages, although I don't consider my English good. Sure, meds can stabilize me and I can go back to tutoring, who is my dream job since I was 8 years old, but I'm struggling with trust myself.
Look, since my teen years I'm struggling with the bullying of being short (152 cm) and the "crazy" label. At school I was called "feé folle" (Crazy fairy) for my gothic/metal aesthetic, also struggling with the mourning of my mom in all collége.
Also, my deceased mom was always categorized as the crazy or deranged, black sheep of the family. Perhaps I got some genetic influence in all my current mental state, but I didn't see my own mom as double personality or something. Maybe sad, as her health was deteriorating, but perhaps as a child I didn't get any mental problem of her. So, am I repeating the cycle?
Look, both psychiatrist and psychotherapist agrees that my other personality is the one who Basqueclown wants to be: revenge, mischief maker and a sarcastic clown/jester who shits in the hypocrisy of society. I'm not aware of her: in two weeks I'll have a controlled session with the psychiatrist when I'll drop the antipsychotics (who supposedly prevents other self triggers it) and film all my session, since the last one it only took 10 minutes to pass from hypnosis into my other personality.
Look, I had to trust others, because I had almost all my family worried for my life, since the doctors were obligated by law to disclose my disorder and suicidal plans and attempts. So I'm trapped by a stupid Asenapine and Duloxetine when my days are looking for English comedy videos to cheer me up or simply stay at bed and masturbate more for boredom than horniness.
So I don't know how can I trust myself to recover. I'm aware right now because of my sedated state, but what if my other self is right now with me now? Perhaps I was misdiagnosed and have another mental disorder, I don't know, Shcizo or something?
Yes people said that I must love and trust myself, but being a pill slave is awful for me. barely I talk with two or three friends maximum, and play League of Legends when I'm not sleepy. Seriously the only thing that attaches to life is the action of my maternal family, since my dad only sends euros to my aunt and doesn't care about her daughter beyond that. It's hard to distinguish who wants to commit suicide: if myself, my alter or both of us.
I'm tired community. I'm tired of crying and being confused and hopeless. "Everything is going to be fine, Basque" yeah, but your mind doesn't have a dosage for retain itself, moron
