How functional are you?

[Viceroy]

I've enrolled in a local pre university education course cause before my life went to shit I wanted to do work in the medical areas (Not a Dr). But im just failing everything. I cant get myself to study at all Im just constantly thinking about dying and other difficult shit. Im fucked. A total waste just not doing anything, I constantly procrastinate. Constantly. Its so bad. I havent worked at all in my life for various reasons but now im healthy enough to attempt it I still cant summon up the drive to do anything cause I feel like everything is a deadend. My main problem is that I've never felt loved or loved anyone and its crushing me. Now I dont see myself ever being loved by anyone, so I just dont put effort into work/study cause all its going towards is me getting a job and money but with nobody to share it with!!

Maybe im a lightweight when it comes to these things idk. I live in England where most people are very reserved and dont share anything like this so its hard to get a grasp/understanding of my self/emotions/thoughts. A lot of the time people say 'dont compare yourself to others' whenever I talk about not knowing how others emotions/lives are but this is just annoying and solves nothing. If I knew more about others Id have a greater sense of if im dealing with it well or not well.

Sometimes I think 'am I just going overboard?', 'Is it really as bad as it seems?'. I honestly dont know cause I have nothing and nobody to compare to - everyone just stays silent and pretends like everything is ok all the time. Which just leads me into thinking that my situation is terrible, when actually it might just be a 'bad' which would pyschologically make things a lot easier.

I've stopped functioning at all. I don't see anything left in life, really. Why should I work or try at school when all that awaits me is the pain and suffering of crippling loneliness and lovelessness? The one emotion that makes it all worth it and I don't have it! Never have, now Im so much of a wreck that I probably never will! Fuck my worthless shit existence. Everyday im just suffocating in mental pain. My mind is constantly, endlessly shooting towards needing proper human connection but I never get it leading to an endless, miserable loop. Im disabled, totally mentally fucked, ugly, poor, uneducated... ruined life basically. Who would ever want meI cant stand never once feeling loved, appreciated, valued, wanted. Its fucking eating me alive and makes me wanna slam my head into a train. Sometimes, after so many years of this, I get so wound up that my mind thinks of ways to destroy myself in nasty and violent ways. Stabbing myself, setting myself on fire, letting vehicles grind me into a pulp. Am I letting my emotions get the better of me?

Who else is actively suicidal but is still managing to 'keep it together' enough to do stuff. I always read about people being depressed and still going to work or getting thru college. Am I just much more affected by my life than they are, or are my coping skills not good? I dont feel like I have any coping skills tbh.

 

[GravityUtilizer]

On benefits in supported housing.

Not very.

 

[Nymph]

Living with my parents

 

[Lilacmoon]

i used to be. then i rapidly declined over a month. its almost over now.

 

[StringPuppet]

Where does manchild land on the scale

 

[flower]

i'm currently off on the sick because I had to run to the work toilet every 5 mins to cry, so not very functional

 

[Superdeterminist]

I can manage to do all the things I need to in order to survive, but not much beyond that. All of my energy (what little there is) goes into hating life, to be honest.

 

[VariousSolutions]

I was more often sick at home than at Work this year what is possible without loosing your Job in my Company. But lost the respect of my boss

 

[Belaya Noch]

This is highly relatable for me, lovelesness is a real problem, as one Polish psychiatrist Antoni Kepinski said: A man without love lives as if only out of a sense of duty.

Personally, I'm highly functional so far, but I feel like a living dead, there's no will to live or act inside of me, I'm driven only by the external impulses.

 

[HelloHell]

I just barely keeping it together. I am in college now and I'm trying so hard to finish all the assignments, not to have a decent grade, but just to finish it. Sometimes, I can't function at all and abandon all my assignments, like right now. All I can do all day is lurking in this forum and thinking about death. I feel like I have no coping skill too tbh.

 

[AbsoluteNothingness]

I'm 'functional' and 'healthy' and I'm not 'disabled' nor have any mental illness/illness at all and I don't care. I mean im supposed to be 'grateful' or whatever that means but I couldn't care less. I wish i wasn't "functional" nor "healthy" nor literally anything else. I don't want to be anything nor anyone nor any way at all. Lol im the opposite of all of you. Im sorry that all of you are suffering so much though, although i can't relate because I'm not suffering at all. You may think that im "crazy" or whatever that means because I'm 'functional' and 'healthy' and blah blah but I don't want to at all and literally everyone else wants to be functional and healthy blab blah so it's 'strange' to all of you, but I wish i wasnt. I just don't care about anything and don't want to care about anything. I just don't want to do anything that's it, I wish i didn't have to, not even a single thing of any type at all. It's not that im "suffering" and or "tired" and 'thats why I don't want to', no, neither I'm "tired" nor "suffering", I just simply don't want to exist/'live', 'experience', 'do' 'life' nor 'the world'/'planet earth' nor any other thing. It's possible to not want to, i don't see where's the problem, I may be the only one but I don't care lol im not "worried" nor "affected" nor "embarrassed" at all. The reasons why I haven't ctbed yet is because obviously i don't have any way out and because I don't want to make my parents suffer. It is a hard decision and it's shocking everytime i imagine how they'd react to the dead body and how hurt they'd be but I anyways will ctb someday, sorry if they'll suffer and cry but I literally just don't want anything at all, Im sorry if they want me to 'enjoy life' and 'experience'/'do'/'live' it and 'explore' 'the world'/'planet earth' and 'be' 'happy' and blah blah but i don't and i won't stay here just because they want me to and 'brought' me 'here'. Just like living/existing is a right, dying/not existing should also be a right. Again sorry but i know that someday I'll ctb anyways when i find a way, despite it being a hard decision because of 'my parents'/'my family'.

 

[ZardozOmega]

Not functional at all.

 

[MrBlue]

I tend to manage to function in the work sense, but utterly fail when it comes to anything social. It doesn't do my mental health any favours but does mean I'm technically functional, at least between all the failed suicide attempts. I've never been liked outside of immediate family and the feeling of being unlovable does fuck you up after a while.

I also definitely understand how annoying the stiff upper lip thing is here in the UK sometimes. Like you said it's alot harder to judge how you're handling things, and I've also found that people will block out anyone not putting on a hard face, so intergrating with people when your shy or feeling uncomfortable is that much harder.

 

[Disappointered]

I'm a useless POS manchild. I used blubber like a weak piece of garbage during lunch breaks when I had certain stressful jobs and ultimately just stopped trying given my entire context.

 

[flower]

I also definitely understand how annoying the stiff upper lip thing is here in the UK sometimes. Like you said it's alot harder to judge how you're handling things, and I've also found that people will block out anyone not putting on a hard face, so intergrating with people when your shy or feeling uncomfortable is that much harder.

feel this a lot. especially at the moment with covid stuff, work has been insanely stressful and everyone seems to be holding it together and they're starting to resent me for not being able to handle it as well or at least appear like i am.

 

[Viceroy]

I just barely keeping it together. I am in college now and I'm trying so hard to finish all the assignments, not to have a decent grade, but just to finish it. Sometimes, I can't function at all and abandon all my assignments, like right now. All I can do all day is lurking in this forum and thinking about death. I feel like I have no coping skill too tbh.

This is exactly what I've been doing. I havent even looked at my assignments for 3 weeks and already totally missed 2 of them. Just spend the day fantasizing about death.

 

[opiatedreamz]

hm... i suppose a 5/10. i'm not really doing anything productive. i have no job, i sit online... i kind of do the bare minimum. i have no energy to do much.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Not functional , probably 1% in a scale of a million. Why because no one teaches how to live (life 101) nor the rules of life. So now i have to learn that on my own and then change useless decades old habits mostly programmed into me from 0-7 years old as that is the programming age for a human: for example this is why it's so hard to change a language accent because that is programmed from 0-7 years old.

 

[HelloHell]

This is exactly what I've been doing. I havent even looked at my assignments for 3 weeks and already totally missed 2 of them. Just spend the day fantasizing about death.

Oh I know that feeling all too well. I wish I could give you some advice on how to cope with this, but unfortunately, I am in the same situation as you are.
I hate that someone else is going through a rough time like me, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone. You're not alone too.
Here's hoping we both can somehow pass the classes

 

[Viceroy]

Oh I know that feeling all too well. I wish I could give you some advice on how to cope with this, but unfortunately, I am in the same situation as you are.
I hate that someone else is going through a rough time like me, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm not alone. You're not alone too.
Here's hoping we both can somehow pass the classes

I can always blow my brains out if I dont :)

Not functional , probably 1% in a scale of a million. Why because no one teaches how to live (life 101) nor the rules of life. So now i have to learn that on my own and then change useless decades old habits mostly programmed into me from 0-7 years old as that is the programming age for a human: for example this is why it's so hard to change a language accent because that is programmed from 0-7 years old.

Yes nothing in life actually teaches you anything about life. At school you learn useless shit, and then you come home and everybody is busy watching TV

 

[HelloHell]

I can always blow my brains out if I dont :)

Exactly what I'm thinking. Nothing to lose here.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I go to work, I pay bills.
But I'm self-destructive and restless and always fuck it up.
Right now I have a good job and a nice apartment, but for how long? It's only a matter of time before I fuck it up.

Socially not functional at all. Recently i tried to make a friend and she ended up hating me. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! If I knew why I could maybe change my behavior, work on myself, not make the same mistake next time. But I don't even know what I did wrong.

 

[Meditation guide]

Where does manchild land on the scale

I don't think this applies to the OP but I was reading about this and it does apply to some on this forum. Most are probably depressed however, so I'm not sure if there is an overlap between depression and this.
Peter Pan Syndrome

Anyone (especially males) born after the year 1990 who believes they shouldn't be forced to take on the role of a productive member of society. For example, someone who is in their mid 20'sand still lives with their parents while working a minimum wage job and carrying $50K in student load debt for a liberal arts degree. Those who suffer from Peter-Pan Syndrome also shy away from basic adult responsibilities such as taking out the trash, doing the dishes or going grocery shopping.

 

[Viceroy]

Exactly what I'm thinking. Nothing to lose here.

Make sure you don't miss!!!
Just joking with you I want you to be warm and happy again like we all should be.

 

[itachi of death]

My physical health is deteriorating,I dont take care of myself and mental i feel like I'm on the board of stupid and retardation from brain damage of a failed ctb,been to a mental institution twice and that was the only times I was happy

 

[RottenDeer]

Doing my best to hold a job and all but I feel like I'm slowly reaching my limit.

 

[mick1234]

I'm functional cus at my work I am extremely busy and I'm the boss so I have to keep my employees busy. Lots of times I don't have the energy to do anything It feels like. Almost how u feel when u know u are getting sick. But after my coffee kicks in I am able to function quite well. The busier I am the less I think of suicide.

but my job is the only thing I'm good at. Hardly any friends and still single. Could I find a girlfriend if I realy wanted? prob. But still wouldn't be worth it cus I know deep down she would not like me for me. No one does. She would only like me for my money .

so many people Who know me prob think to themself "this guy has an awesome life" Just cus I own my own business and cus it's doing well. And cus I'm such a good faker that "everything is ok". i think a lot of people would Prob be shocked if they knew I have a nitrogen tank in my office hidden in a cabinet for when the time comes that I can't handle life any more.

sometimes I feel guilty as fuck cus I realize when that time comes, my employees are going to have to find new jobs. but at least I am planning to give everyone a bonus check to hold them over for a few weeks. thats The least I can do I feel, since I can't exactly say "hey guys I'm not feeling so good mentally so I suggest u all start looking for new jobs cus I'm gona kms soon".

so yeah...and I've been depressed for years. But On a positive note For everyone who still has hopes / dreams Of doing what I did....let me say I did start my company 3 years ago while being very depressed. so Im living proof that just cus one may be depressed doesn't mean they don't got a chance of being a Success in certain areas. Just gotta put the time and research in. And id say a lot has to do with luck. but for me the most depressing thing is finding success with my job and despite my business taking off And doing so good, my personal life has not progressed at all.

oh well at least I know when i Get real sick of life I have a tank filled with nitrogen that will give me eternal peace.

 

[HelloHell]

Make sure you don't miss!!!
Just joking with you I want you to be warm and happy again like we all should be.

Thanks, I wish the same thing for you buddy

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm functional cus at my work I am extremely busy and I'm the boss so I have to keep my employees busy. Lots of times I don't have the energy to do anything It feels like. Almost how u feel when u know u are getting sick. But after my coffee kicks in I am able to function quite well. The busier I am the less I think of suicide.

but my job is the only thing I'm good at. Hardly any friends and still single. Could I find a girlfriend if I realy wanted? prob. But still wouldn't be worth it cus I know deep down she would not like me for me. No one does. She would only like me for my money .

so many people Who know me prob think to themself "this guy has an awesome life" Just cus I own my own business and cus it's doing well. And cus I'm such a good faker that "everything is ok". i think a lot of people would Prob be shocked if they knew I have a nitrogen tank in my office hidden in a cabinet for when the time comes that I can't handle life any more.

sometimes I feel guilty as fuck cus I realize when that time comes, my employees are going to have to find new jobs. but at least I am planning to give everyone a bonus check to hold them over for a few weeks. thats The least I can do I feel, since I can't exactly say "hey guys I'm not feeling so good mentally so I suggest u all start looking for new jobs cus I'm gona kms soon".

so yeah...and I've been depressed for years. But On a positive note For everyone who still has hopes / dreams Of doing what I did....let me say I did start my company 3 years ago while being very depressed. so Im living proof that just cus one may be depressed doesn't mean they don't got a chance of being a Success in certain areas. Just gotta put the time and research in. And id say a lot has to do with luck. but for me the most depressing thing is finding success with my job and despite my business taking off And doing so good, my personal life has not progressed at all.

oh well at least I know when i Get real sick of life I have a tank filled with nitrogen that will give me eternal peace.

Could you tell us what kind of business you own ?

 

[Reach]

prob. But still wouldn't be worth it cus I know deep down she would not like me for me. No one does. She would only like me for my money .

At least you have money. Many guys don't have none of them.