Discussion How does it feel after a failed attempt?

[sorrowfullyliving]

Me personally, of course at first I felt somewhat disappointed, followed by an overwhelming sense of dizziness and head swelling. After a few days my body stopped "functioning" not in a vegetative state but more like I don't wanna do anything and just lay in bed all day, which is bad because I still need to go to school, do homework, study, work part time and just doing life like normal. I know this can vary by methods, and I'm still lucky that I didn't become a vegetable but I'm just curious what you all experience

 

[............]

I once spoke to someone on another forum that had survived a pretty severe attempt (severe as in the usual brutality of the method they had used).

They told me they couldn't describe the feeling of it anything other than purgatory on Earth. Especially if you're in pain after what had happened. They also told me they could barely believe it, that they were still there. ''Being alive was a total shock'' a real quote.

I can't tell anyone if this is guaranteed to happen when you wake up after surviving ctb. I've never attempted to catch the bus (yet), but it made total sense to me. Still does - 4 ish years later.


I don't know what I would do if I failed. You're preparing for life to be over after all. I have respect for basically anyone that has survived an attempt before.

 

[sorrowfullyliving]

I once spoke to someone on another forum that had survived a pretty severe attempt (severe as in the usual brutality of the method they had used).

They told me they couldn't describe the feeling of it anything other than purgatory on Earth. Especially if you're in pain after what had happened. They also told me they could barely believe it, that they were still there. ''Being alive was a total shock'' a real quote.

I can't tell anyone if this is guaranteed to happen when you wake up after surviving ctb. I've never attempted to catch the bus (yet), but it made total sense to me. Still does - 4 ish years later.


I don't know what I would do if I failed. You're preparing for life to be over after all. I have respect for basically anyone that has survived an attempt

Like purgatory on earth? May I asked what method they had used?

 

[Jisatsu]

I've survived some very intense attempts where I've flatlined and coming back ... is traumatizing. It's painful and realizing over and over thah you failed only makes each attempt after feel that much more desperate.

 

[theboy]

You feel a shock
You just want to stay in bed all day. No thoughts. No desire to eat. You feel a subtle sadness (some people feel ashamed)

 

[Ileftthidsplcee]

Me personally, of course at first I felt somewhat disappointed, followed by an overwhelming sense of dizziness and head swelling. After a few days my body stopped "functioning" not in a vegetative state but more like I don't wanna do anything and just lay in bed all day, which is bad because I still need to go to school, do homework, study, work part time and just doing life like normal. I know this can vary by methods, and I'm still lucky that I didn't become a vegetable but I'm just curious what you all experience

It feels surreal. I failed few hours ago. Im not damaged or anything i think im just poisoned by the gas i inhaled(i simply turn it on and stayed inside for a long time) I made a thread about failing where i explained what happened but after failing i felt like surreal. Like its not real. I was so close to non existence but now im here again. I dont want to do anything i also feel a bit scared and overwhelmed. I have ocd which also fucks me alot by keep making me think that i did allat for attention.I hate how i feel rn its too quiet and its already sunrise and yet im alive and alone.

You feel a shock
You just want to stay in bed all day. No thoughts. No desire to eat. You feel a subtle sadness (some people feel ashamed)

Yea i also felt shame but i think its fueled by this curse of a mental disorder.

 

[............]

Like purgatory on earth? May I asked what method they had used?

Being hit by a train..... ended in many health complications which were painful to them, of course.

 

[sorrowfullyliving]

Being hit by a train..... ended in many health complications which were painful to them, of course.

They must be really brave, I'm too afraid to be near a train when it's moving let alone being hit by it. I hope they'll find peace from the suffering in this world

 

[katara]

You feel a shock
You just want to stay in bed all day. No thoughts. No desire to eat. You feel a subtle sadness (some people feel ashamed)

I already feel this way

 

[rozbitka]

Being hit by a train..... ended in many health complications which were painful to them, of course.

They survived a train? How?

 

[dontwakemeup]

It's just horrible! I think we all have had these fantasies about leaving here. Those fantasies turn into realities and so you plan. You plan a date and method and confidently feel your plan will work. Nobody know what or if anything else comes after death, so you do your method and wait.

I wake up a little disoriented at first and confused. I'm initially excited because I believe I'm in the afterlife because I remember my method. I lay in bed scared to move because everything looks familiar as I left hours ago.

Once the reality hits me I'm still alive I just cry. The emotional pain of getting up and continuing to live was never my decision and I go between anger, loneliness, sadness, and trying to figure it all out. I can't stay in the bed long because the urge to puke is so overwhelming so I try to run to the bathroom! Running of course is difficult because I'm dizzy, weak and it's just hard to walk. I puke and cry in between the sickness. I spend the next hours sick and emotionally drained and begging to please just die. I go a few days in shock as I return to work as if nothing happened. People talk to me but I can't remember responding or how I'm even able to function.

I wait a few years and repeat. The question now is, when will I try again? Idk. Waking up alive is such a painful experience. I don't think I can do it again.

 

[InTheStars]

It's just horrible! I think we all have had these fantasies about leaving here. Those fantasies turn into realities and so you plan. You plan a date and method and confidently feel your plan will work. Nobody know what or if anything else comes after death, so you do your method and wait.

I wake up a little disoriented at first and confused. I'm initially excited because I believe I'm in the afterlife because I remember my method. I lay in bed scared to move because everything looks familiar as I left hours ago.

Once the reality hits me I'm still alive I just cry. The emotional pain of getting up and continuing to live was never my decision and I go between anger, loneliness, sadness, and trying to figure it all out. I can't stay in the bed long because the urge to puke is so overwhelming so I try to run to the bathroom! Running of course is difficult because I'm dizzy, weak and it's just hard to walk. I puke and cry in between the sickness. I spend the next hours sick and emotionally drained and begging to please just die. I go a few days in shock as I return to work as if nothing happened. People talk to me but I can't remember responding or how I'm even able to function.

I wait a few years and repeat. The question now is, when will I try again? Idk. Waking up alive is such a painful experience. I don't think I can do it again.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you went through. Can I ask what was your method?

 

[VoidButterfly]

Everyone else already described it well. Waking up that morning was very difficult, I couldn't believe it. From my method (OD) I was yellow and in a lot of pain and my tongue was dissolving so I figured I must still have been dying so I went home (I did it in a field) and got into bed. By the next day I was pretty sure I wasn't going to die after all and it just felt so shit. I lost all motivation to do anything, and you just have to carry on as if nothing happened.

I don't know if other people experience this but in addition to what everyone else already typed I sometimes can't shake the idea that I did die. That all this is just a dying brain. It's not all the time, but just sometimes.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you went through. Can I ask what was your method?

Thank you. I've always used pills. If I had known about this site years ago, it would have saved me from all that. I guess you live and learn.

 

[InTheStars]

Thank you. I've always used pills. If I had known about this site years ago, it would have saved me from all that. I guess you live and learn.

I'm glad we found this site, now we know some methods are not good to try.

 

[kopebaldy]

Like shit.

Loser in life, loser in death. Can't even die right.

I heard stories of people finding a will to live after failed attempts. Nope, if anything, it got worse.

 

[Unknown21]

You feel weak, trapped, ashamed of yourself.

 

[wolfpaxhd]

I survived twice, albeit the attempts weren't as bad like other people.

But i was hospitalized once, i felt immense guilt, not at getting caught. But the failure. That's embarrassment you have to get past for a while.

 

[shironeko]

Nothing.

I just wanted to go back to my place.
Troublesome. Disappointed. Starring at the ceiling, watching random YouTube videos, then back to staring, for one hour, two hours,…

Doctors conclude that I do not have any depressing risks or sth. Then what was that? Was it some show that they thought I did for catching others eyeballs?

Wasted that many pills that I can't get easily, only to find out this thing is very safe.

What a fool. Was it on purpose? Then what's the goal? Why can't I just die already?

Life is so painful.

Then there're people that pretending to care, and who don't cares. Ironically I am such a terrible person that, I don't even know how to care others. Maybe I deserve this.

I will die one day, in the near future.
I can't withstand it anymore.
I don't understand, why being alive, and life itself, are that easy for others, but hard as hell for me.

Can't even phrase properly. Useless, me.

 

[kitkat9234]

My last attempt ended me in the hospital, first medical then 72 hour hold on a psych ward then 30 days inpatient. It was very traumatic.

I Also think I messed my brain up taking an OD of psych meds. I stupidly thought that would work. It was before I found this site and learned how hard it actually is to CTB.

I have SN now but no access to antiemetics or benzos. Worried I will fail again and end up worse if that is even possible. If I end up back in the psych ward I will def lose my job then apartment etc. I cannot fail this time.

 

[euthanizeddog]

awful. you regret it for all the wrong reasons; not trying harder, not hiding your attempt harder, regret leaving a note or telling anyone at all.
you want to try again as soon as possible

it's a shameful feeling incredibly hard to experience and describe