how do you make life bearable while waiting to ctb?

[iwantdeath6969]

i have to wait to ctb until at least after march, i have some obligations that i have to wait for and i promised my partner that i would wait. but it's getting harder and harder for me to keep going, every day i want to just get it over with. i have no hope that it will ever get better, i hate myself so much that there's nothing i can do to feel like i deserve any good from this life. i want to ctb in april maybe, i hate myself so much that i want to kill myself out of hatred.

what do you to do make your time here more bearable until you can ctb? i have bpd so my mood swings are constantly out of control, and i'm so addicted to self harm that i've centred my entire life around harming myself. it's hard for me to allow myself happiness because i don't feel like i deserve it, and it makes me really upset and uncomfortable to do things that i don't believe i deserve. i feel like i've split my brain in half, and i don't allow myself to do good things for myself and am constantly SHing. i've been taking medications but don't have any real way of dealing with this stuff, and can't keep going on like this. i know i'm going to end it, but until i do, how do i make life less awful?

 

[missingpeace]

Showing self-restraint when we are in desperate need of ending our suffering is the most difficult thing to do. Every time I've delayed my plans, I've been very regretful but it's mostly because of my deteriorating condition. It really depends how intense your condition is, do you have some good days?, do you have coping mechanisms in place?, for me, it's this forum, I used to do chores around the house but even that doesn't help much anymore. You have to find ways to occupy your time and find ways to manage yourself if you want to stick around..

 

[SilentSadness]

There is lots of suffering in life, and your experiences are not abnormal. I too spend many days doing nothing productive because of depression. It's extremely difficult even to bring life to a bearable stage and it's certainly not as easy as thinking "happy thoughts" as many would have you believe. If in the moment you feel completely devastated then I suggest you do something that will take your concentration, like playing a game or watching a movie, but this is of course only temporary and the bad feelings will return. I wish people would realise how much pain and suffering some people have to go through, and I it's a lot more than they think. I personally feel most of what you have described so it is hard for me to offer solutions. Hopefully, you won't have to suffer for much longer and I hope you will come to know the peace you deserve in a world of misery.

 

[Shadowlord900]

I do have some Alprazolam on standby just in case if I really badly need a full night's sleep (I have sleeping problems, may be insomnia), but I'm trying to avoid relying on Alprazolam too much so I don't build up any tolerance plus have more left over for when I eventually do my CTB attempt. I've also ordered some Prednisolone which I hope will help handle my coeliac disease, but it's yet to arrive and may still take another week or two.

 

[Fwompje]

It is really hard for me as well, also because of moodswings. I've found that some type of routine in your day helps, even if it's just one thing at a certain time. Outside of that I'm on here a lot and talking about it especially when I'm in a crisis calms me down to an extent where I can logically think about my actions.

I also have some to-do things before I ctb, so I really hang on to that. Wanting to read certain books, go to some beautiful place, watching certain movies and finishing left over art ideas. It's still really hard and sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day without doing something impulsive yet I'm still here. Just awaiting my date.

If you ever need to vent, need someone to listen, I'm online a lot.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Netflix

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that I see it, if I don't ctb then I basically have no choice but to continue existing. Sadly, it's just the way that things are and I hate every waking moment spent here. I guess that if I knew I was soon to be gone for definite, I would feel somewhat relieved, but it's certainly a punishment feeling trapped here with no end in sight. I guess one can try to sleep as much as possible to make existing more bearable but of course such a thing is easier said than done.

 

[iwantdeath6969]

Showing self-restraint when we are in desperate need of ending our suffering is the most difficult thing to do. Every time I've delayed my plans, I've been very regretful but it's mostly because of my deteriorating condition. It really depends how intense your condition is, do you have some good days?, do you have coping mechanisms in place?, for me, it's this forum, I used to do chores around the house but even that doesn't help much anymore. You have to find ways to occupy your time and find ways to manage yourself if you want to stick around..

most of my days are really up and down, i have bpd so i have really intense mood swings. and i don't really have any coping mechanisms either, so i'm just completely at the whim of life. i guess yeah, i just have to keep occupying my time.

There is lots of suffering in life, and your experiences are not abnormal. I too spend many days doing nothing productive because of depression. It's extremely difficult even to bring life to a bearable stage and it's certainly not as easy as thinking "happy thoughts" as many would have you believe. If in the moment you feel completely devastated then I suggest you do something that will take your concentration, like playing a game or watching a movie, but this is of course only temporary and the bad feelings will return. I wish people would realise how much pain and suffering some people have to go through, and I it's a lot more than they think. I personally feel most of what you have described so it is hard for me to offer solutions. Hopefully, you won't have to suffer for much longer and I hope you will come to know the peace you deserve in a world of misery.

yeah, you're right, i think all i can do is distract myself and do things to pass the time until i can finally go. i hope the same for you, i hope you find peace, whatever that ends up meaning for you

It is really hard for me as well, also because of moodswings. I've found that some type of routine in your day helps, even if it's just one thing at a certain time. Outside of that I'm on here a lot and talking about it especially when I'm in a crisis calms me down to an extent where I can logically think about my actions.

I also have some to-do things before I ctb, so I really hang on to that. Wanting to read certain books, go to some beautiful place, watching certain movies and finishing left over art ideas. It's still really hard and sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day without doing something impulsive yet I'm still here. Just awaiting my date.

If you ever need to vent, need someone to listen, I'm online a lot.

i also really struggle with mood swings, that's a good idea to involve more of a routine. maybe i should also come up with a list of things i should do before i go. that would at least give me some things to look forward to while i wait

 

[Lifeless mindset]

a lot of people would say that you should do things that make you happy. The fact is that when you reach a point in your depression where you no longer get joy from the things that used to make you happy or you lose motivation to find new things that make you happy. You either don't give up and keep pushing through life and trying to make improvements or you completely give up on yourself and everyone around you and you watch life pass you by as you rot while chained up in your own mind.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

interestingly, im in a very similar position. i also told my partner that i will try to live at least until april. i have bpd too, the mood swings make committing to anything long-term really difficult. even if i feel ok in the moment i might feel unbearably miserable tomorrow. on top of that i have bipolar, which tbh life has only been bearable for me during this waiting period so far bc ive been in a manic episode

but, aside from the mania, i also have ongoing projects that i want to finish by the end of this waiting period. ive got books i wanna read, and some writing and music projects im working on. so thats keeping me going.

ive also been becoming more religious, and thats given me a sense of purpose and meaning in life, which has made things more bearable for me

 

[downndone2]

Not much makes it bearable.. loved ones, pets, sleep, food
In the end though just another miserable fucking day

 

[lionetta12]

i have to wait to ctb until at least after march, i have some obligations that i have to wait for and i promised my partner that i would wait. but it's getting harder and harder for me to keep going, every day i want to just get it over with. i have no hope that it will ever get better, i hate myself so much that there's nothing i can do to feel like i deserve any good from this life. i want to ctb in april maybe, i hate myself so much that i want to kill myself out of hatred.

what do you to do make your time here more bearable until you can ctb? i have bpd so my mood swings are constantly out of control, and i'm so addicted to self harm that i've centred my entire life around harming myself. it's hard for me to allow myself happiness because i don't feel like i deserve it, and it makes me really upset and uncomfortable to do things that i don't believe i deserve. i feel like i've split my brain in half, and i don't allow myself to do good things for myself and am constantly SHing. i've been taking medications but don't have any real way of dealing with this stuff, and can't keep going on like this. i know i'm going to end it, but until i do, how do i make life less awful?

Sleep meds work wonders for me.

 

[sorrowed_ender]

I dont have any plans or exact date to ctb but I am sevwrely suicidal everyday. I try and manage by investing in what makes me happy. Playing video games, talking to my partner/favorite person, doing artwork or watching my favorite streamers on twitch. I very much love Pokemon and have had it as a special intesst since I was 7 years old. I try and make myself enjoy the life I have so I dont succumb to those thoughts.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Working helps me pass the time while I wait to ctb. It forces me to have some kind of routine and at least I can afford my living expenses, food, Netflix etc.. I spent 2020-2022 unemployed and surviving on my savings which wasn't a lot.. it was a miserable time and I spent the majority of the time thinking about my death

 

[WaitingToGo]

a lot of people would say that you should do things that make you happy. The fact is that when you reach a point in your depression where you no longer get joy from the things that used to make you happy or you lose motivation to find new things that make you happy. You either don't give up and keep pushing through life and trying to make improvements or you completely give up on yourself and everyone around you and you watch life pass you by as you rot while chained up in your own mind.

This is exactly where I am now. I get no joy or pleasure out of anything I used to and my niece hit the nail on the head when she said I've given up. I truly have. I'm dead inside, trouble is the outside is still living. I wish I had the guts to just take all the pills I have and end this misery. I spend a lot of time on here or watching mindless YouTube videos.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

I can't promise it'll help for you, but I've been hording methods in a little box and tell myself I have so many "door out" I'll be able to use when I build the courage back up again, and that does make me feel a little better while I slog through existence, just... knowing everything is ready to go and I just need to kick the proverbial ladder out from under my feet.

 

[PoorlyTinted]

i think about the positive things i have left. my pets few friends and my mom