How do you know when its time to ctb?

[daxx]

Hi everyone.
Do you just know when it's your time to CTB? How do you know when the time comes? I have struggled on and off with depression and suicidal thoughts for years. I have good days, bad days, been on and off medication and had therapy sessions.
I've has a really tough year. It started with therapy, and felt in recent months like things were starting to get better. The therapy sessions ended, and it felt daunting no longer having that as an outlet, but felt hopeful.
It started OK, then I started to go back to the researching stage (and discovered this site).
I struggle with social situations, and work mostly from home, but do have a few required trips to the office, as well as online calls a few times a week.
It was on my most recent trip to the office when I just felt the change, like I can no longer go on. I've had the feeling before, but there is just something different about it now.
It's incredibly difficult to survive around people when you feel suicidal. It's just exhausting.
I'm just unsure what I should do next. Do I sit out the weekend and see how I feel,? Do I make preparations so I have an out when I need it? Do I reach out for help?

I have difficulty in decision making (something explored in therapy). Do I somehow leave the decision to chance?

 

[sadyogi]

I don't think anyone can answer those questions for you, but I am also struggling to figure these things out for myself too. I think when the time comes, it'll be abundantly clear. I hope things work in your favor

 

[daxx]

Cheers. In therapy you are taught to try not to hold onto thoughts, and just acknowledge them and let the pass you by. The suicidal thoughts are just thick and constant. It's just difficult to function.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's up to the individual, it's a personal decision as it's their existence but anyway I wish you the best in whatever you decide, I'm sorry you suffer, I understand that it's tiring suffering in this existence.

 

[voltage268]

Sorry to hear you've found yourself in this place, definitely is exhausting, as a lot of us here have. Not sure if this is helpful to you but contrary to the nature of this site, you (imo and believe plenty others think so too) should do everything you can do to try and exhaust whatever options to try and succeed in whatever you can in this life, for the sake of a possibly better future, you're worth it - therefore if that means more drastic changes, like after trying everything, emigrating away to a lower cost of living country and trying a "simpler" life, a different culture, then try it for your own sake before making a final decision, if ctb is the last resort, it'll still be there. Before that, definitely reach out for help if it's available! If you can establish new therapy sessions, try it by all means as you said things were starting to look better so it's worth pursuing, as you're worth the effort.

 

[genoke]

If you know what youre doing and youve been suicidal your entire life, when the moment comes telling you this is the time, and you're prepared. Do it.

That moment/ feeling is a gift.

 

[justamirror]

When you are so very tired of being tired. When your life has been miserable for as long as you can remember. When you try to predict a way to move forward, and all you see is the same. When you decide you have lived a life long enough, and do no wish to continue in our world. When you can look out at all the beauty around you everywhere and recognize it, yet still wish to go. When you are struggling so much to be something for your society and all you do is keep struggling to hang on.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

Idk, I still remember that moment when I died on the inside. I was just sitting there and I realized that I am dead, all that remains is to bury my body. There had been plenty of times before that where I could have been easily talked out of ctb-ing. But this time my mind was really set. This was about five years ago. I have basically been a zombie for five years. It took me a long time to do all the reading, the research, but I finally found a method that should work out and now I have a rough date for starting my preparations and finally ctb-ing.

Like someone said in the comment above mine, I got very tired of being tired. These last five years have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

And if I do a thought experiment and imagine that somehow by some miracle all my problems go away, I still realize that I just have absolutely no desire to exist on this stupid planet in this retarded society. There are just so many good reasons for me not to exist, and very few to keep existing.

What is the point anyway? Life is meaningless, and I've already begun to see the physical consequences of the chronic stress I've been under. I am not waiting to exist a little longer just to get diagnosed with some debilitating nonsense to the point where I would be unable to ctb.

Note I say "exist" and not "live". I stopped living long time ago. A spider has a more exiting life than I do.

Anyway, this is just my personal journey. Only you will know when your time is up.

 

[fatladysings]

Hi everyone.
Do you just know when it's your time to CTB? How do you know when the time comes? I have struggled on and off with depression and suicidal thoughts for years. I have good days, bad days, been on and off medication and had therapy sessions.
I've has a really tough year. It started with therapy, and felt in recent months like things were starting to get better. The therapy sessions ended, and it felt daunting no longer having that as an outlet, but felt hopeful.
It started OK, then I started to go back to the researching stage (and discovered this site).
I struggle with social situations, and work mostly from home, but do have a few required trips to the office, as well as online calls a few times a week.
It was on my most recent trip to the office when I just felt the change, like I can no longer go on. I've had the feeling before, but there is just something different about it now.
It's incredibly difficult to survive around people when you feel suicidal. It's just exhausting.
I'm just unsure what I should do next. Do I sit out the weekend and see how I feel,? Do I make preparations so I have an out when I need it? Do I reach out for help?

I have difficulty in decision making (something explored in therapy). Do I somehow leave the decision to chance?

Yes you should reach out for help - if you are at the stage where you think someone or something can help you, you should explore those avenues for sure. There's no point in killing yourself if there's a chance you could be saved. Suicide should be saved for people who just have no way out but from what you wrote in your post, this doesn't seem to be you. If you are thinking of leaving the decision to chance, then you are not hell-bent on killing yourself, and you should not be trying to ctb. Leave the ctb'ing to whenever you have no other option but to ctb.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

its up to you, i guess whenever you feel like you're ready to go.

 

[lucmucpuc]

i think you just know its time to leave

 

[Timothy7dff]

It's different for everyone.

For me, the decision is easy. I can't pay my bills. I'm too sick to work. I have no friends or family. I'm targeted by the deep state. Plus, I'm old. Truly, nothing to live for.

I wouldn't leave the decision to chance if I were you.

 

[Trav1989]

i think you just know its time to leave

Yeah, once you come to the realization that your life has become a dull and empty existence and you longer feel any joy or sadness and are just going through the motions it's generally the right time. You can try hiking, fishing, exercise, eating better, etc and once none of that is enjoyable either it's just done in my opinion. Go through this for a year or longer and you'll wish you were dead because you'll remember the enjoyment you used to have and how full of life you once were and understand that those times aren't coming back.

No reason to live if your just an empty husk after the world burned you to a crisp.

 

[mrtime87]

I don't believe there ever is a right time unless we're talking about physician assisted suicide. Something done with th expertise of a professional.

I've attempted suicide before and failed, but there never was a right time. I just did it. But if you have something to live for, even just plain old good health, maybe you should cling to that to keep you going.

Besides, CTB is really hard, really hard. Out of every 31 attempts 1 succeeds. The odds are just stacked against you.

Ending it all sounds nice, but life is precious and regret is powerful. Consider carefully how you'll feel if you do go thru with this. Many people die with resentment and that seems like a sorrowful way to go.

You say you have an office job and seem like you can take care of yourself. I have to ask why you would want to end your life with such good things going for you?

 

[nasigoreng99]

I think everyone has different way to be ready for ctb as it will feel unnatural. You have to be ready to go against your survival instincts and its not easy. Not to mention the panic and anxiety. As much as we want to die, our brain and SI will do their job to survive. It is what it is.
Making decision based on your emotions is not suggested- especially when it comes to ctb.
In other way to say, rationalized death and ctb. For me, I don't want to keep existing (not living) in this world anymore. For what? If in the end that death Is Inevitable. Just to keep existing in this pain and suffering? And have more diseases and mental illnesses as being older. But again everyone has their own way to rationalized ctb.

 

[iwannaletgo]

When you are so very tired of being tired. When your life has been miserable for as long as you can remember. When you try to predict a way to move forward, and all you see is the same. When you decide you have lived a life long enough, and do no wish to continue in our world. When you can look out at all the beauty around you everywhere and recognize it, yet still wish to go. When you are struggling so much to be something for your society and all you do is keep struggling to hang on.

i think it's this, i came to say something very similar. i think when you feel a certain kind of peace at the thought then you'll know. i can't tell you what it will feel like but it's unmistakable.

 

[HopeToStay]

The only people who truly know, aren't here to tell the tale.

Not sure anyone is ever 100% sure as they go to do it. The final moment may be an impulse that doesn't have 100% commitment behind it.

 

[wren-briar]

For me, I NEEDED to feel safe asking for help that I needed to live, and when the supposed MH professionals kept treating it like a personal defect, instead of actually hearing my concerns and failing to treat my concerns as valid, then when I sought help from my gold standard therapist, and told them -point blank- that if I was "made to experience any more mother-fucking psychiatric crisis interventions, for any reasons, for the rest of my life, I would end myself without exception" and instead of helping me get the EXCLUSIVELY UNBIASED MEDICAL care that I sought, and which, if it had actually been provided would have given me the reason to continue living, I was put in a fucking coffin room (aka seclusion room) and "provided" only "active listening" by the supposed medical provider, which point blank discounted the clear, and documented side-effects of medication that I was taking, and instead, blamed it all on personal failings, it was made clear to me that this is no longer a world I want to be a part of. I wrote up a full account (https://wrenbriar.gitlab.io/). I failed at my resulting SA, but am counting down the days until my next attempt, and I will honestly continue attempting until I am dead BECAUSE AND SOLELY BECAUSE I was repeatedly failed and harmed by the supposed mental health "providers" who failed to actually hear me, failed to actually believe my lived experience, and failed to actually respect me when I stated, point blank, my NEED to be heard and respected and given exclusively unbiased medical care.

They could have either helped me with the problems that I needed help with to live (problems that their supposed medications CAUSED) or they could have subjected me to exclusively suicide-inducing trauma. They chose the later, I'm simply carrying through with me promise to myself should I ever be subjected to such traumatizing "treatment".

I've had a metric shitload of support from friends and family since, but it doesn't matter. For me, if I can't honestly ask for help without being imprisoned for my beliefs about suicide, nothing else matters, it's time for me to end myself. I.e. actually hear me, and believe me, and trust me, and respect me when I ask for the help that I actually needed to continue living, or imprison me thereby, and irrevocably, make me actively suicidal. They (i.e. the people who I should have been able to trust to help me; i.e. the supposed medical and MH "professionals" proved, through every action they took AGAINST me, that I would only ever be seen and treated as a "mental" case, and not as the human being who was actually seeking help for medical problems, problems that needed to be addressed in order to actually have a reason to live.) proved, through every action that they took AGAINST my best interests, that this is not a world that I'm willing to live in. Period. Full stop.

I wasn't actively suicidal until I was denied the unbiased medical care that I sought, unbiased medical care that I should have been provided, and unbiased medical care that I was patently denied the moment that the sanctimonious idiots MADE it about suicide, when I was genuinely seeking needed medical care because they, themselves had so thoroughly f'd me up!

I was willing to live if I'd gotten the care and support that I actively sought and needed. They made it about suicide, and in doing so, they drove me from decades of suicidal idiation, to being actively suicidal.

 

[Achromatix]

I feel like there isn't a time. Like, it doesn't feel time sensitive. I don't think anyone here may know when it's time since we're all still here, but I imagine it just feels right. Like a natural life motion. It's not for most people, but for us who are close to it it's a bit different. Who knows