how do you know if you’re a bad person

[wildflowers1996]

or if it's mental illness speaking
I genuinely don't know at this point if I'm a horrible person who deserves to suffer or not

 

[vampire2002]

i think it's hard to know for definitively, i go through the same thing. some people say that bad people don't actually worry about / care about if they're bad or not. what are you worried about making you a bad person in particular? i think it depends a lot on that. but also being a "bad" person is entirely subjective. i think chances are still you're being too hard on yourself, though.

 

[avaruus]

If you're worried about being a horrible person... you probably are not...

Most horrible people don't give a shit about their actions and impacts to the world.

So it's a good sign that you're worried about being one.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

If you are capable of feeling empathy for others, then this is always a good indicator of whether you are a good person or not.

 

[wildflowers1996]

thank you everyone
there are various things making me think I am bad
a big one is planning on ctb - despite knowing my family will suffer - i feel so unbelievably selfish
then I've also done things I regret and I also just feel self obsessed and like my values are wrong it's hard to explain

 

[gonegirl1]

You may be a narcissist. I self diagnosed as one. Idk about the empathy part though. I feel empathy but only because I don't want others to think badly of me. I also don't know if im just being to hard on myself or it's mental illness distorting reality. I just don't think I ever really loved someone rather than myself. It's devastating

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

People are just people.

We do things that are beneficial or detrimental to the people or world around us. "Being" good is linguistic. But to be less obtuse, I suppose there is validity in measuring the quantity of benignant acts vs malevolent and saying that if you perform more of the former than the latter then you are a net good person. Where quantity is irrelevant I suppose you'd go with severity because no amount of good you do can make up for the bad if the damage is great enough.

To be less obtuse, you could reduce the scale of what it means to be good and localize it to communities you are part of. What is considered good can vary across cultures. What's normal in one place can be offensive and inexcusable elsewhere. One nation's hero is another nation's savage. Do you embody the traits your communities aspire towards? Then you are good.

The entire concept of being a good or bad person is a reductive way of communicating whether or not you are an asset or a liability to the people or things around you. Whether you are good or bad does not matter in a vacuum. It only matters in your relationship to others outside of yourself. A man can be a good father but a bad husband.

In general, if you are non-destructive and do not wish harm on the world around you, you are not a bad person. And in general, if you want to be a good person, you can be.
Naturally, this does not include religious definitions but that follows the rules of embodying the aspired traits of the respective communities.

But I think people are just people. And actions have outcomes that are better for some than others. That's all.

 

[Some place nice]

I am a bad person to the people who hurt me. I trust people too easily and in get attached to them immediately so I have endured a lot of abuse from both friends and family. I lost all my friends when I just gave up and told them all the truth. My family never liked me so its was easy to be a "bad person" towards them. I'd say if you have to ask yourself chances are, you're not. But look at who you might being a "bad person" too. Its might just be them.

 

[lachrymost]

I used to struggle with a sort of secular scrupulosity OCD (spurred on by cancel culture and COVID discourse). I eventually just accepted that there will always be people who think I am evil or bad. Any given person will be considered evil by at least somebody. I have a hyper fixation on ethics, but just in a philosophical sense at this point. If there are moral truths, I don't know how to know, so I just do my best (and do philosophy). I'm lucky that I could chill out about it; I know not everyone can.

 

[avoid]

Reflect on your actions and learn from them, but don't wallow in memories of actions that you deeply regret. Regret is a sign that you have grown as a person because what you did then, you likely wouldn't do now. Sometimes talking with someone about these memories helps you move past them. If not, then come to terms with the mistakes you made in your own way. For example, helping someone in need may help you feel better about yourself.

 

[voyager]

If you are capable of feeling empathy for others, then this is always a good indicator of whether you are a good person or not.

Am on the fence on this one. The vast majority of society doesn't empathise with suicidal people unless they have some glaring physical issues. Are they all bad people? We sympathise with one another, but is it because we do indeed feel each other's pain or are we simply identifying it in ourselves?

topic

But agree with the general consensus that if one puts these things into question, be it out of empathy or conscience, one is most likely not a bad person, even when we might have done bad things. Bad people certainly never would. Noticed something interesting with the onset of my mental issues too and that's the advent of intrusive thoughts and these can be quite nasty. I didn't have them before and do detest them, but the best way of dealing with them actually seems to be to be to accept them or even laugh at them.

Tourettes' sufferers are interesting here. Some will swear obscenities, racial/sexual slurs and all other kinds of insults, and while many take offence to them, it's actually their illness coming up with the worst they can imagine, which in itself prooves they're good natured.

 

[Cloud Busting]

You don't.

I've had a guilt complex since I was like… small, and feared every mistake I ever made was a sign I was a sinner destined to hell. As I got older I worried perhaps I'm a psychopath, or am secretly a murderer and rapist and will snap one day. I remember watching a tv show about a doctor who had the brain scans of a psychopath and didn't know it for 60 years… who knows, maybe I'm an irredeemable and awful person and deserve to die and rot in hell and burn alive, and all the good things I do are a sham and never will cancel out the evil and immoral contamination I possess… maybe I'll swerve my car into traffic and kill people, maybe at work I'll hurt and damage my clients and poison them morally. Perhaps I'm in the wrong field.

I never feel satisfied.

My tips:

• Remember that you can always learn from your mistakes and grow as a person.
• When you think you're a bad person, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You'll continue to hurt yourself and others because you're convinced your evil and don't deserve anything good.
• If you're afraid treating yourself well will turn you into an arrogant narcissist, remember that you deserve the same respect as everyone else. If you don't put yourself on a pedestal, you're not being arrogant. You deserve what everyone deserves; no better and no less.
• Would you say the same things about yourself you'd say to a friend?
• If you have a self loathing thought, break it down. Maybe poll other people. Chances are, if you think about it more, you'll realize you're not thinking clearly and without bias.

If this doesn't work, just sit with the thoughts. Fuck it, maybe you're a bad person, and you're going to loot stores, and rape and murder people. Maybe you're a sociopath. Who knows. Just be you.

thank you everyone
there are various things making me think I am bad
a big one is planning on ctb - despite knowing my family will suffer - i feel so unbelievably selfish
then I've also done things I regret and I also just feel self obsessed and like my values are wrong it's hard to explain

So you feel like a bad person which means you have to ctb because it's what you deserve, yet because ctb will make yourself suffer you're a bad person no matter what… you can't win here.

Perhaps you don't feel like you deserve to ctb and thus don't have this same quandary that I do. Sometimes I realize I'm working myself up into a moral paradox that makes no sense and so what's the point in stressing out? That helps me personally.

You're not a fixed person. You can always grow and become a good person. The real battle is learning to feel like you deserve to be a good person.

 

[Hollowman]

When the bad far out ways the good..I'm bad

 

[Cloud Busting]

People are just people.

We do things that are beneficial or detrimental to the people or world around us. "Being" good is linguistic. But to be less obtuse, I suppose there is validity in measuring the quantity of benignant acts vs malevolent and saying that if you perform more of the former than the latter then you are a net good person. Where quantity is irrelevant I suppose you'd go with severity because no amount of good you do can make up for the bad if the damage is great enough.

To be less obtuse, you could reduce the scale of what it means to be good and localize it to communities you are part of. What is considered good can vary across cultures. What's normal in one place can be offensive and inexcusable elsewhere. One nation's hero is another nation's savage. Do you embody the traits your communities aspire towards? Then you are good.

The entire concept of being a good or bad person is a reductive way of communicating whether or not you are an asset or a liability to the people or things around you. Whether you are good or bad does not matter in a vacuum. It only matters in your relationship to others outside of yourself. A man can be a good father but a bad husband.

In general, if you are non-destructive and do not wish harm on the world around you, you are not a bad person. And in general, if you want to be a good person, you can be.
Naturally, this does not include religious definitions but that follows the rules of embodying the aspired traits of the respective communities.

But I think people are just people. And actions have outcomes that are better for some than others. That's all.

I love this. I think focusing on whether or not I'm a good or a bad person is stressful. Like, for example, I really scared a lot of people when I sent them goodbye letters, and I felt so guilty to survive, as if I was playing some prank on them. I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes and recover so I won't put people through that again, but am I irredeemable? Do I deserve to die? Perhaps, but that would hurt people even more, wouldn't it? Maybe I'm a bad person no matter what I do. Maybe I'm just human… flawed, nuanced, and neither good or bad.

It's all relative.

All I can do is pay for my sins, feel remorse, and learn from them. I think for me, that's a more lofty goal than focusing on being a good person. I can't speak for the OP tho.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

I love this. I think focusing on whether or not I'm a good or a bad person is stressful. Like, for example, I really scared a lot of people when I sent them goodbye letters, and I felt so guilty to survive, as if I was playing some prank on them. I'm choosing to learn from my mistakes and recover so I won't put people through that again, but am I irredeemable? Do I deserve to die? Perhaps, but that would hurt people even more, wouldn't it? Maybe I'm a bad person no matter what I do. Maybe I'm just human… flawed, nuanced, and neither good or bad.

It's all relative.

All I can do is pay for my sins, feel remorse, and learn from them. I think for me, that's a more lofty goal than focusing on being a good person. I can't speak for the OP tho.

Are you irredeemable for causing fear in the people that love you? The weight of it may be heavy for you to bear but if you take a step back it is seems more forgivable that it feels living it. The past cannot be undone, but making amends the best you can is honorable in my opinion.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Are you irredeemable for causing fear in the people that love you? The weight of it may be heavy for you to bear but if you take a step back it is seems more forgivable that it feels living it. The past cannot be undone, but making amends the best you can is honorable in my opinion.

True, yet again:

Where quantity is irrelevant I suppose you'd go with severity because no amount of good you do can make up for the bad if the damage is great enough.

How can I be sure I haven't caused damage so heinous I can't cancel it out with a good deed?



Melinda may try to make things right by training a service dog that was adopted in the honor of her victim, but does that make up for torturing a girl and burning her alive?

No, I've never murdered anyone, but I did give a diabetic the wrong type of insulin at work once and she had a very low blood sugar. She could have died… she didn't. I followed all the protocols, notified the right people, and monitored her levels and documented them until she was ok, but I felt so horrible for the mistake, even if I learned from it.

She almost died… who could I accidentally kill for real? Who could I deliberately kill for real?

I thought it would be a great idea to ask a 19 year old if she would be interested despite me being well into my twenties and already worrying it was a moral grey area despite her being legal and she rejected me and I killed our friendship (we met thru work) and I felt so so awful… what else could I be capable of, could I groom a young person? Or sexually abuse them?

I met a girl at psych who gave me her number and she's only 19 (I'm 29) and she is gay and a virgin and I found her attractive… omg she's 19 what kind of predator am I?

I have ocd… I can never really be sure if I'm good, or if I'm harmful… I think not thinking in terms of "good or bad" and merely suffering for my sins and learning from them is an exercise I will try.

I specifically posted here because OP has mentioned having ocd elsewhere. Guilt is the core of OCD, and fear of being a bad person is like an obsession for me tbh. Idk if she can relate or if this is useful to her tho.

 

[brokeandbroken]

or if it's mental illness speaking
I genuinely don't know at this point if I'm a horrible person who deserves to suffer or not

The honest answer is if you are asking. You probably aren't a bad person. I think the world likes to punish the good and exhalt the bad.

 

[voyager]

I've actually thought of another criterion and you've probably heard of this one as well:

Sorry you did it or sorry you got caught?

If you knew you were going to get away with anything, what would you do?

 

[アホペンギン]

The entire concept of good and bad was invented by this society, I don't beleive that there is actually such thing as "good" and "bad" but we have been influenced by the society that such a thing exists. I'm not implying that it is irrational that there are these concepts because it can help determine how a person is, deep down, and it can be very useful.

What I think, if you're a good person you aren't destructive meaning you don't cause harm in general nor do you inflict any harm on others and wish suffering on others. And if you ever happen to accidentally do such a thing you'd feel bad and apologize. On the contrary, a bad person would be the opposite and they wouldn't be concerned if someone is suffering because of them.

In regards to what you said about yourself, I have seen some of your posts and you seem like genuinely nice person, I think it is the negative side of your mind trying to contradict any good aspects of yourself.

 

[Hollowman]

True, yet again:




How can I be sure I haven't caused damage so heinous I can't cancel it out with a good deed?



Melinda may try to make things right by training a service dog that was adopted in the honor of her victim, but does that make up for torturing a girl and burning her alive?

No, I've never murdered anyone, but I did give a diabetic the wrong type of insulin at work once and she had a very low blood sugar. She could have died… she didn't. I followed all the protocols, notified the right people, and monitored her levels and documented them until she was ok, but I felt so horrible for the mistake, even if I learned from it.

She almost died… who could I accidentally kill for real? Who could I deliberately kill for real?

I thought it would be a great idea to ask a 19 year old if she would be interested despite me being well into my twenties and already worrying it was a moral grey area despite her being legal and she rejected me and I killed our friendship (we met thru work) and I felt so so awful… what else could I be capable of, could I groom a young person? Or sexually abuse them?

I met a girl at psych who gave me her number and she's only 19 (I'm 29) and she is gay and a virgin and I found her attractive… omg she's 19 what kind of predator am I?

I have ocd… I can never really be sure if I'm good, or if I'm harmful… I think not thinking in terms of "good or bad" and merely suffering for my sins and learning from them is an exercise I will try.

I specifically posted here because OP has mentioned having ocd elsewhere. Guilt is the core of OCD, and fear of being a bad person is like an obsession for me tbh. Idk if she can relate or if this is useful to her tho.

She was 19 you're not any kind of predator.

 

[Peerless_Cucumber]

In my opinion there are no good and bad people, only good and bad decisions. Everyone is able to make good decisions. So no person is inherently bad. It's their decisions that are. The same is true the other way around. No person is inherently good. It's their decisions that are.

 

[letmejoindeath]

Didn't think I was that bad of a person. Know I've made some mistakes, a lot of mistakes, but I have always tried to be a better person each day than I was the past.

Try to never make the same mistakes twice. Unfortunately, though your entire life is defined by what you did when combining multiple drugs over a decade ago.

Personally I thought people could change and that I have changed. That's not true apparently and I'm just as bad of a person as I was then so what's the point?

Ctb is the best option if you ever did anything stupid when you were young. You're not allowed to do better later on anyways.

 

[Cloud Busting]

She was 19 you're not any kind of predator.

In both these scenarios I was 8-10 years older and both were virgins. I only messaged the latter girl once because I do find her attractive, and I do not know what her angle is. Older friend/mentor? Is she interested? Is any relationship between us appropriate because of our age gap? I just can't get over the thought of accidentally taking advantage of her inexperience, so I quit talking to her, even tho she's cool and we relate as we both have depression and are queer in a small conservative town.

Realistically, I know I'm probably not a potential killer, or predator, but my intrusive thoughts nag at me and beg me to reconsider. That was the crux of my post. I think for some people, the concept of good vs bad will never satisfy them due to doubt and irrational fears of bad outcomes occurring.

I shared this here because I wonder if OP can relate and if perhaps worrying if she is a good person is an obsession for her. @wildflowers1996 would you agree with this suspicion or am I off base?

@letmejoindeath If you could start over in a new town with a new identity where no one knew of your past, would you?

I'm sorry people are holding past behavior against you. I can relate. It sounds you're sober now. You should be proud of yourself. Fuck other ppl.

 

[wildflowers1996]

@Cloud Busting I'd say it was probably an obsession yeah I have ocd idk I just feel wracked with guilt about just everything
- I'm sorry you struggle with this too, if it helps at all I really don't think you sound like a bad person

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Cloud Busting I'd say it was probably an obsession yeah I have ocd idk I just feel wracked with guilt about just everything
- I'm sorry you struggle with this too, if it helps at all I really don't think you sound like a bad person

I appreciate the sentiment, but alas, no.

If I am a "good" person or a "bad" person is not something I will ever get to the bottom of. It's the nature of OCD uncertainty I think.

I appreciate the conversation generated in this thread. It really got me thinking about whether or not "good" or "bad" exists, or if it's just a spook if you will. I think the concept of "good vs bad" terrifies me because it's such a grey area. Can a murderer ever be redeemed? Can they change their ways? Or are they pure evil? I don't know and that terrifies me. I think for me, not focusing on if I am a good or bad person and focusing on feeling the weight of my sins and learning from mistakes is a better idea. If I free myself from the responsibility of being good or bad, it will provide clarity (I hope.)

I am curious. What's the core of your obsessions? Feel free to decline to answer or pm if that's easier for you.

As a child I was obsessed with sin, but I dropped that and traded it for being ethical I guess. And I have a lot of harm/aggressive obsessions. Could give two shits less about contamination (unless it's moral contamination.)

 

[Aim]

i think when/if you grow up in an abusive household its not always easy to understand where the line of good and bad goes. Because we know only what we learn. sometimes i think this also contributes to an distorted reality. not always being aware of what is right and wrong. Me myself was thought that that up was down and down was up when i came to love feks. ! . i dont think its right to blame it all on mental illness, but i think it has some influence.

 

[SmollMushroom]

It all depends on your definition of bad.
In my opinion, for most cases, there are no good or bad people. Everyone has pros and cons, and most of the people act thinking they are doing the right thing. Also, in the end, everyone is kinda bound to follow their own nature.

I will add below here my favorite children fable on the matter, and let you draw your own conclusions.

Spoiler: Children fable

A scorpion wanted to cross a river, but it didn't know how to swim. So, after noticing a frog nearby, it decided to ask them for help.
"Please, let me jump on your back so that you can carry me to the other side of the river."
"Not a chance!" answered the frog, "If I do, you will sting me for sure!"
But the scorpion promises not to, pointing out that it would drown if it killed the frog during the crossing.
The frog, persuaded by the scorpion words, accepted the request and let it climb on its back.
They got midway across the river, when the frog felt the scorpion's sting piercing its skin.
At that point, the dying frog asked the scorpion: "Why would you sting me? Now we are both doomed!"
To which the scorpion replied: "Because I'm a scorpion, and stinging is part of my nature".

 

[letmejoindeath]

In both these scenarios I was 8-10 years older and both were virgins. I only messaged the latter girl once because I do find her attractive, and I do not know what her angle is. Older friend/mentor? Is she interested? Is any relationship between us appropriate because of our age gap? I just can't get over the thought of accidentally taking advantage of her inexperience, so I quit talking to her, even tho she's cool and we relate as we both have depression and are queer in a small conservative town.

Realistically, I know I'm probably not a potential killer, or predator, but my intrusive thoughts nag at me and beg me to reconsider. That was the crux of my post. I think for some people, the concept of good vs bad will never satisfy them due to doubt and irrational fears of bad outcomes occurring.

I shared this here because I wonder if OP can relate and if perhaps worrying if she is a good person is an obsession for her. @wildflowers1996 would you agree with this suspicion or am I off base?

@letmejoindeath If you could start over in a new town with a new identity where no one knew of your past, would you?

I'm sorry people are holding past behavior against you. I can relate. It sounds you're sober now. You should be proud of yourself. Fuck other ppl.

Yes, I would start over completely. If I had the luxury of not living paycheck to paycheck that would be something I would consider doing.

If I had options or choices in my life then it would seem like I would be able to live my life. There are none. I go to work to pay bills, come home, sleep, go to work.

If I'm lucky someone will invite me somewhere and pay for things. So I'm basically at the mercy of the world to be able to do anything and it's hard making friends when they always have to shell out money if I'm around. Never been to a concert.

Wanted to go to warped tour since I was like 15. I've spent over half my life trying to just make enough money to be able to go stay in a hotel and go to warped tour. From homelessness to just scraping by my entire life has been shit.