How do you hide the fact you want to ctb

[Leavesfromthevine]

Each day that passes I find it harder and harder to live "normally". The crippling depression and desire to ctb has been consuming me. At work I've pretty much fully shut down socially only talking when absolutely needed. People notice something is wrong but obviously I can't tell them my plans especially knowing how soon I want to attempt. I don't know what to do or how to hide it better because I just don't have the strength to hide it anymore.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I don't.

 

[waRmblanket]

personally for a while i would joke about suicide, after joining sasu; i found myself talking to people irl abt suicide less and less. it got to a point where my mom assumed i was better. that's when i realized if i ever ctb, it wouldn't be expected from my family.

 

[bluegodism]

I don't hide it. It's an inevitable fact and all my friends know it. I just hide it from my family and just don't bring it up to me.

 

[EyeBeyond]

Each day that passes I find it harder and harder to live "normally". The crippling depression and desire to ctb has been consuming me. At work I've pretty much fully shut down socially only talking when absolutely needed. People notice something is wrong but obviously I can't tell them my plans especially knowing how soon I want to attempt. I don't know what to do or how to hide it better because I just don't have the strength to hide it anymore.

I don't know how you can keep working in this mental state, If I were you I had already quit my job, I hate when people realise there's something wrong with me and they don't wanna know whats going on with you because they want to help you, they just want to talk shit behind ur back. Usually when I'm depressed or too much anxious I run away from everyone, I quit whatever the fuck I was doing and I spent the days on bed and thinking how weak I am and how life is cruel

 

[bluegodism]

personally for a while i would joke about suicide, after joining sasu; i found myself talking to people irl abt suicide less and less. it got to a point where my mom assumed i was better. that's when i realized if i ever ctb, it wouldn't be expected from my family.

can i ask you why you stopped talking?

 

[EyeBeyond]

now I don't hide anymore because once you want to kill yourself nothing matters, things has no value, so I don't care if my beahaviour might show there's something wrong because Im quiet and im not talking, I won't say to them I am depressed or I want to kill myself, I just don't feel ashamed anymore as I used to feel

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I do not have to. The majority of people who I see regularly are acquaintances who do not know me personally, and are not interested in my well-being; the advantage of this is that they do not think to question whether or not I am suicidal - which I actually like - but this also means they do not think to treat me kindly either which is the disadvantage. Besides any acquaintances there are only 3 people in my life who do know me more personally - though not truly; I am not completely sure if these people ever think that I am suicidal, but I just try to act "normal" anyway... besides the occasional suicide joke(s) I make.

 

[DeathSleep]

When it comes up, I just talk about the future like I have one. As though I'm making plans for the future. Every now and then I'll just mention something in the future I "want" to do. Like "it'd be nice to have a house someday" when asked about my living situation. Of course I won't make it to that point and I don't have to say any more than that but it makes people think that I'm not suicidal anymore. I make appointments and ask people when they want to meet again knowing I may not make it til then. I don't want to go back to the psych ward before I die. It doesn't do anything but delay me.

 

[ripberman]

It depends.

At some points in my life, the thoughts were nebulous, ill-defined. I went about my day with death in the back of my mind, but managed to feign normalcy around my friends and family.

Now, however, my desire to CTB is extremely pervasive. I have weighed my options and it seems to be an inevitability. Accordingly, I cannot pretend to be "normal" around my peers and loved ones. I've simply stopped talking to them. The text messages pile up, occasionally I'll send a one-word response, but I never initiate conversations. I certainly don't ask to spend time with people in-person.

Though this was not a strategic decision, it may prove useful—when the time comes, I should be able to disappear relatively easily.

 

[halfwaydown2]

No one ever asks, and I never volunteer anything

 

[winamp]

I am not intentionally hiding it but I also am

I am only emotional behind closed doors
because I know that if I acted the way I felt nothing would be questioned and I would only be scolded for being "sensitive" when no one cares to know or knows what's going on

makes me wonder if things can be described as hidden when no one is seeking those things or if no one is curious about them

also makes me think of how the acquaintances of those who have "committed suicide" (sorry for putting it that way, I have always found putting it that way strange for many reasons) always mention or say "how could I not see the signs" ecetera

but knowing that no one can really tell is a bit comforting to me

because I assume and feel like most people only consider someone suicidal or think they are suicidal if they are showing signs of severe mental illness and discontent all of the time or are diagnosed with a mental illness (based on random portrayals in documentaries and works of fiction on the topic of suicide or including suicidal characters)

which makes me feel like I need to get even worse or suffer more since I haven't suffered enough as much as others in comparison before even considering the option

I do not think it should be a competition about who can endure the most suffering and pain but sometimes people/media portrayals and common/popular mental health resources really make it seem/feel that way at times

I do not know how to explain it very well

 

[Little_Suzy]

I don't try to disguise it. I told the people who needed to know that I had suicidal thoughts since they are a symptom of my mental illnesses.

We must be honest with people if we want them to accept suicide.

We must educate people that mental health disorders are indeed fatal.

In my opinion, when someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer, people offer compassion and accept that they will die.

Mental health illnesses are as valid and deadly as cancer!

People who are apathetic to mental illness lack the credibility to argue against suicide. Zero!

 

[ADeadBunny]

I'm with the others here. I don't really hide it. My mom knows I'm depressed and my dad hates my guts so he doesn't ask. Neither know I'm going to ctb.

I've been super avoidant and antisocial since puberty kicked in. My parents are used to it. My friends are used to it. It won't be a surprise when I do it, but it'll hurt just a little.

My employer knows that I was abused and have insomnia. Whenever I fall behind at work he understands that I'm struggling and doesn't give me any hassle. He's a good boss and a good person. I show all of the "typical" signs and don't bother to mask unless I'm around friends which is so rare now it's worth the effort.

Idk when I'm going to check out anymore, but I'm sure everything will click for everyone I'm around when I do. But, uhh... Yeah feeling like this doesn't look pretty and people are generally focused on themselves so it's easy to hide in plain sight despite that. Or it's at least easy enough to blame something else.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I don't know how you can keep working in this mental state, If I were you I had already quit my job, I hate when people realise there's something wrong with me and they don't wanna know whats going on with you because they want to help you, they just want to talk shit behind ur back. Usually when I'm depressed or too much anxious I run away from everyone, I quit whatever the fuck I was doing and I spent the days on bed and thinking how weak I am and how life is cruel

It's very rough. I desperately want to quit and hide out somewhere until I ctb but I can't because I have bills and need food to survive. The good is I'm usually alone at work so only once or twice a week at most I'll have to actually be social. Sometimes work does help keep my mind occupied too.

When it comes up, I just talk about the future like I have one. As though I'm making plans for the future. Every now and then I'll just mention something in the future I "want" to do. Like "it'd be nice to have a house someday" when asked about my living situation. Of course I won't make it to that point and I don't have to say any more than that but it makes people think that I'm not suicidal anymore. I make appointments and ask people when they want to meet again knowing I may not make it til then. I don't want to go back to the psych ward before I die. It doesn't do anything but delay me.

This is a big thing for me though I want to be honest with people. I don't want to act like I'll be around much longer knowing I plan to ctb, it just feels dishonest. The best I can say to someone when they talk or ask about my future is "I don't know I guess we'll see" but I usually get pressed to give a more genuine answer. Avoiding the psych ward is a big reason I asked this as I can be more open with some people but I need to learn how to hide it with others.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

It's so hard. There are so many things that I want to say, but I have to keep myself quiet. I feel guilty for hiding, but it's the only thing I can do at this point.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

It depends.

At some points in my life, the thoughts were nebulous, ill-defined. I went about my day with death in the back of my mind, but managed to feign normalcy around my friends and family.

Now, however, my desire to CTB is extremely pervasive. I have weighed my options and it seems to be an inevitability. Accordingly, I cannot pretend to be "normal" around my peers and loved ones. I've simply stopped talking to them. The text messages pile up, occasionally I'll send a one-word response, but I never initiate conversations. I certainly don't ask to spend time with people in-person.

Though this was not a strategic decision, it may prove useful—when the time comes, I should be able to disappear relatively easily.

The only issue I have is with people I'm forced to be around like co workers. Outside of work I've self isolated to a very comfortable point where no one notices I don't come around.

 

[ripberman]

The only issue I have is with people I'm forced to be around like co workers. Outside of work I've self isolated to a very comfortable point where no one notices I don't come around.

I get that, sometimes it's impossible to avoid interacting. I'm currently pursuing a law degree so I am also forced to talk to people—I'd suggest just keeping conversations as brief as possible. Maybe come up with a viable explanation for your behavior.

For example, when I'd go to class after crying, I would just fake a laugh and say I'm "stressed about exams" or "saw a sad video." This is enough to throw off most acquaintances.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I don't try to disguise it. I told the people who needed to know that I had suicidal thoughts since they are a symptom of my mental illnesses.

We must be honest with people if we want them to accept suicide.

We must educate people that mental health disorders are indeed fatal.

In my opinion, when someone is diagnosed with terminal cancer, people offer compassion and accept that they will die.

Mental health illnesses are as valid and deadly as cancer!

People who are apathetic to mental illness lack the credibility to argue against suicide. Zero!

I agree with this so much. However I can't be open without a huge risk of losing my job or getting sent to a psych ward.

I get that, sometimes it's impossible to avoid interacting. I'm currently pursuing a law degree so I am also forced to talk to people—I'd suggest just keeping conversations as brief as possible. Maybe come up with a viable explanation for your behavior.

For example, when I'd go to class after crying, I would just fake a laugh and say I'm "stressed about exams" or "saw a sad video." This is enough to throw off most acquaintances.

I feel like that's a good solution. People know I have a lot of family issues so I can blame that without raising a lot of red flags. Thank you

 

[GlutenFreeCat]

I used to be able to hide my depression fairly well and didn't have to worry too much about friends/family noticing anything. It was so easy to put that mask on and say everything is okay.

Now it's all but completely consumed me. I can't hide it much anymore. I've been isolating myself from everyone and everything to the point I'm being ostracized by coworkers as the unpredictable loner and my girlfriend told me the other night she doesn't know if she can put up with me much longer.

 

[FuneralGrey]

Personally, I never thought I was all that good at hiding it, but my loved ones have expressed shock after my various hospitalizations because they didn't know I was feeling so low. So I don't know. If you're trying to find ways to not worry your coworkers, you could think of different explanations for your behaviour, if they ask or you want to share. Something like anemia can cause a lot of symptoms like being tired, which some people sometimes mistake for being depressed. If I need to defend acting off, I usually just say that I'm stressed about something unrelated/personal and I try to keep it brief and vague.

You sound very tired in your post. I hope you're able to escape facing too many questions. I think you're describing a very relatable feeling with this idea of not having the strength to hide it anymore.

 

[delora]

I guess I just avoid the topic, and it seems to have worked so far. Keep going, fake smile every once in a while, blame fatigue if questioned. Luckily, I feel like I've always been good at adapting to environments and mirroring people around me so that I don't stand out at all. It doesn't seem like others pick up on how bad my mental health is, but it probably helps that I don't even have many people in my life. I also rely on the fact that humans are usually too preoccupied with themselves to notice small details in others' behavior.

My partner is the only one who's ever heard me talk directly about suicidal thoughts, and I've already stopped burdening him with it long ago. I don't want to seem unappreciative of how hard he tries to be supportive and make me happy. He still witnesses (and comforts me through) my worst days and I think he might know the ideation lingers, but I hope he doesn't worry too much anymore.​

 

[SquirtleKyun]

I use humor to mask what I'm saying. Playing it off as a joke helps me say what I feel without others getting worried. Jokes and sarcasm are my biggest shields.

 

[delora]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. Keeping up appearances can get really draining, and I truly wish none of us had to do it.

But it kind of feels like there's no other way, right? Society just isn't prepared to handle suicide and face how directly it correlates with autonomy. I wouldn't want anyone to be institutionalized against their will due to being honest about personal wishes and views on death. So, take care.

Sending strength your way, and best wishes with your future plans.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I've been so good at it for years that no one saw it coming when I went to the hospital. I was pretty much trained as a child to shut up though.

 

[hermestrimegistus]

Its hidden in plain sight. Mostly by joking about it. Also staying drunk helps. Doesn't make the suicidal thoughts go away. Just easier to mask.

 

[Yaffle]

Life is one huge lie. I put the mask on and plough through.

A few people around me know about my depression and that I've been in a bad place for years but I've never once mentioned being suicidal and never will.

I've mentioned on several threads now that I'm incredibly thankful this place exists just to be in a like minded community. Nobody can understand the suicidal mind if they've never experienced it.

So many people use suicide as a throwaway comment, "I've had enough, might as well top myself", "not going to do it but I could jump off a bridge". Pains me when they do this while I'm thinking exit hood, CO, Hydrogen Sulphide, Beachy Head, trains, N, SN and more - all these thoughts at 1000mph while somebody spilt their milk and glibly jests about suicide.

I'm tired, truly tired, of having suicidal thoughts but nobody will ever know until it's too late.

 

[Abyssal]

Years of pretending I'm fine and trauma induced fear of being socially unacceptable makes it natural for me

 

[Body bobi]

joke about it.And if someone is being suspicious i just tell them that im just jokeing even tho im fightin for my life every day.

 

[hellispink]

i am very reserved. I dont tell no one about my feelings, mood, desires or nothing. I dont talk to people except of online and the people who are near in real life they dont have access to my private life and desires. Maybe they can see my face but they wont ever hear me telling them about how i feel. People do not care they just want the gossip.