Help How do you force yourself to just do it?

[Redt2go]

I can't really drink or smoke weed. I was a drug addict (tried every main drug and some research chems, but my mains were mdma, coke, oxy, heroin and fentanyl, somwhow I lived.) for like 4 years, and now literally every substance gives me mad anxiety. If I smoke weed I literally panic the whole time. If I drink while I'm out I just analyze the feeling of being drunk until I freak out, and then have to leave whatever event I'm at.

Idk what's wrong with me. I'm always way too stuck in my head. Even with this suicide attempt, haha.

Sorry to be that person but have you tried meditation... It helps you to be more present. I relate to you about always being in your head

 

[SadShitSack]

Such sound advice here.

If you have any doubts or discomfort then you're not quite ready. It's not about forcing yourself. When you are totally ready you will know. When the pain of living outweighs the fear over doing the act you can do it and that moment is when it's right

I guess you're right. I keep overthinking it. I do want to die, but I don't know how to be completely done with anything - life, people. I'm so bad at closure. I still have all my exs on fb, ykno? ):
But I do really want to ctb. I'm tired and I don't see my life getting any better than this.

 

[SadShitSack]

Sorry to be that person but have you tried meditation... It helps you to be more present. I relate to you about always being in your head

No, it's okay! I have tried meditation and it does help, but it doesn't carry over to my normal life.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I guess you're right. I keep overthinking it. I do want to die, but I don't know how to be completely done with anything - life, people. I'm so bad at closure. I still have all my exs on fb, ykno? ):
But I do really want to ctb. I'm tired and I don't see my life getting any better than this.

It sounds like you're stuck in that no man's land at the moment when you're too tired to go on but you can visualise ctb causing suffering for friends and family and you don't want to let go of your connections.

I think so many people here can relate to this, it's like living in a grey sludgey fog. In some ways you almost have to find ways to get better before you can ctb as that takes as much energy as living!

 

[SadShitSack]

It sounds like you're stuck in that no man's land at the moment when you're too tired to go on but you can visualise ctb causing suffering for friends and family and you don't want to let go of your connections.

I think so many people here can relate to this, it's like living in a grey sludgey fog. In some ways you almost have to find ways to get better before you can ctb as that takes as much energy as living!

I think you've got me pretty much pegged.
I don't know how to get better. I've tried lots of meds and lifestyle changes and always fall back to this shitty depression. So idk ):

 

[JustAboutDone]

I think you've got me pretty much pegged.
I don't know how to get better. I've tried lots of meds and lifestyle changes and always fall back to this shitty depression. So idk ):

I know it sounds awful but I used to wish for any other illness tbh than depression. Meds did work for me for a long time so I had lots of good years. Not sure if I should try them again? Are you going to?

 

[SadShitSack]

I know it sounds awful but I used to wish for any other illness tbh than depression. Meds did work for me for a long time so I had lots of good years. Not sure if I should try them again? Are you going to?

I'm not. I tried 6 different kinds. Wellbutrin was the only one that worked, but it stopped working after 4 months for no fucking reason.

Any antidepressants that act on the serotonin pathways, I can't take. I have slight brain damage in my reward pathways (specifically on my serotonin receptors) from all the mdma I used. So I get severe side effects from taking ssris or snris. I learned that the hard way a few years ago. I thought I was gonna die from the effexor withdrawal. ):

What ones have you tried? If they worked for you, why'd you stop taking them?

 

[whatever1111]

@whatever1111 that was really interesting to read and I think you're spot on about different illnesses e.g. Schizophrenia and depression and personality types in their choice of method and I wonder if - with jumping and train there almost has to be an element of impulsiveness to it. I am looking into this more. Thank you for the food for thought

there's a text on google called eleven deaths of mr. K, it's a short study on one suicide case , check it out if you catch the time, I liked it very much

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm not. I tried 6 different kinds. Wellbutrin was the only one that worked, but it stopped working after 4 months for no fucking reason.

Any antidepressants that act on the serotonin pathways, I can't take. I have slight brain damage in my reward pathways (specifically on my serotonin receptors) from all the mdma I used. So I get severe side effects from taking ssris or snris. I learned that the hard way a few years ago. I thought I was gonna die from the effexor withdrawal. ):

What ones have you tried? If they worked for you, why'd you stop taking them?

I've read that about Wellbutrin - that it works for a few months then suddenly stops and dose needs to be doubled or changed or something. It's weird that. Also the Effexor and Cymbalta withdrawals are written down as grim as. I took Celexa for years. Only 10mg increased to 20 every winter then a bad family experience knocked me sideways and I gave up on everything and was given benzodiazepines... I stopped those (no taper) and experienced the full joy of that...
So I'm wondering what's left in my brain

 

[JustAboutDone]

there's a text on google called eleven deaths of mr. K, it's a short study on one suicide case , check it out if you catch the time, I liked it very much

Thank you so much for that @whatever1111
It was an excellent read; and interesting how it prefaces about the percentages of people who don't have axis 1 diagnoses who go on to suicide but looking at Mr K, had he not had a successful business from the get go I think his problems would have manifested much earlier and he would have come to the attention of the psychiatric system. He clearly had a poor sense of self - propped up by material things; once they started to go, his own identity floundered.

Its fascinating that he would jump on receiving papers to lose his house, having asked for custody of his sons.

You can tell this gripped me - am going back for another read!

 

[whatever1111]

Thank you so much for that @whatever1111
It was an excellent read; and interesting how it prefaces about the percentages of people who don't have axis 1 diagnoses who go on to suicide but looking at Mr K, had he not had a successful business from the get go I think his problems would have manifested much earlier and he would have come to the attention of the psychiatric system. He clearly had a poor sense of self - propped up by material things; once they started to go, his own identity floundered.

Its fascinating that he would jump on receiving papers to lose his house, having asked for custody of his sons.

You can tell this gripped me - am

Im very glad you u liked it :) Yeah its an interesting subject - Ive also never been diagnosed, and never taken medication, and here I am, begging for death because my self finally crumbled under the weight of the hateful super ego - so I can relate to K somewhat, although he is a serious family man, and I am fuck up lol.

 

[EvilForProfit]

I wish I knew... I want to die really bad, but I am too much of a pussy to actually do it.. my main fear is fear of failure and ending up in worse shape than I am now

100% me

 

[throwaway123]

So, I'm currently halfway saved up to my goal of buying 2 bottles of N but I have one problem.

How do you force yourself to just do it? I'm scared I'll pour the bottles into the glass and then just stare at it, eventually sighing and dumping it out. In my previous "attempts" I've fucked it up in a similar way - I tried to jump off a bridge but I just couldn't let go. Then I was arrested and carted off to a hospital.

I really do want to die but when I get to the do or die moment (haha), I just freeze. How do you bypass that survival instinct? I'm such a fucking weak person. How do I man up?

Bonus question - I'm 5'2 105 pounds. Would 1 bottle of N be enough or should I definitely get 2 to be safe?

I don't think you can force yourself to do it. You just know when you're ready to go.

 

[Final Escape]

So, I'm currently halfway saved up to my goal of buying 2 bottles of N but I have one problem.

How do you force yourself to just do it? I'm scared I'll pour the bottles into the glass and then just stare at it, eventually sighing and dumping it out. In my previous "attempts" I've fucked it up in a similar way - I tried to jump off a bridge but I just couldn't let go. Then I was arrested and carted off to a hospital.

I really do want to die but when I get to the do or die moment (haha), I just freeze. How do you bypass that survival instinct? I'm such a fucking weak person. How do I man up?

Bonus question - I'm 5'2 105 pounds. Would 1 bottle of N be enough or should I definitely get 2 to be safe?

You don't think, u just do lol! I know it's harder than that.

 

[ForestLove]

Jus do it.

 

[YukiFox]

Don't overthink on it. If you decide to CTB, it's your decision and take care about yourself, not about others. Also, it could be frightful to choose to die, but it`s your life and doesn't belong to anyone else. When you schedule your date, take the patience to make as quick as possible and don't panic when you proceed.
Good luck and I hope you can find peace.

 

[futur]

Jus do it.

reminds me the video "100 accurate lifehacks" of Papa Franku on Youtube. Starting from the sixth minute he's pretty convincing in this video, you know. "Oh yeah!"

 

[Volomori83]

Grief, unfortunately, is an unavoidable consequence of death. No matter when someone dies, under any circumstance, those left living feel the pain of that loss. So those who love you will be left with the pain of your death. Should you decide to commit suicide then you have to accept that you are going to cause pain to your loved ones. On the flip side of that, you will be dead, therefore you won't experience their pain. Grief subsides over time, they will never completely heal, but they will find a way forward.

You have to make the unfortunate but necessary decision of whether your life continuing only to prevent causing pain to your family is a price worth paying and that you can find contentment in that life.

I'd say that if you have any doubts about committing suicide, then you must feel, even deep down, that there is something worth fighting on for. That there is hope for a better tomorrow. That's a great thing, but just make sure that you prioritise yourself in that decision; what would be best for you. Life is precious and the decision must not be taken lightly to end it. I agonised for ages over the pain I'll cause when I kill myself but in the end, the decision I took was based on what was best for me.

 

[Marawa]

Fortunately I don't have that issue. My death will be nothing but relief & indifference

 

[throwaway123]

reminds me the video "100 accurate lifehacks" of Papa Franku on Youtube. Starting from the sixth minute he's pretty convincing in this video, you know. "Oh yeah!"

This.