How do you feel when suicidal?

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I'm trying to explain my suicidality to my therapist, but she doesn't understand me. I thought maybe someone else van relate to my feelings and explain them better.

I have BPD and sometimes I realy feel like I want to die so badly. There is no option for life at that moment. I make multiple attempts to kill myself, I really have to die! One hour later, I can't imagine how I felt an hour ago. I don't understand why I wanted to die so badly and I could never do an attempt at that moment. I feel like a completely different person.

my therapist treats me like an attentionseeker. Can anyone relate?

 

[illuposolitarioita]

il tempo non passa mai, ciò che ti dava un minimo di felicità ora non ti interessa più, i pensieri notturni invadono la tua mente, quando il dolore supera la paura del nulla dopo la morte significa che hai raggiunto il limite

 

[Hotsackage]

Like a dead end

 

[Seele]

I think I can relate a little, when I'm in the manic phase I feel paranoid and jealous, I feel like I'm trying to get attention, and that must be horrible for anyone close to me. As for suicidal desire, only after trying and fail miserably that I feel the guilt.
ham,But do you think that feeling is something very specific?

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I think I can relate a little, when I'm in the manic phase I feel paranoid and jealous, I feel like I'm trying to get attention, and that must be horrible for anyone close to me. As for suicidal desire, only after trying and fail miserably that I feel the guilt.
ham,But do you think that feeling is something very specific?

Idk, it's like somthing happends in my head or body, that I can't controle. Indeed, after trying and failing I feel the guilt.

 

[crystal_meth97]

I feel exactly the same, as I also have BPD, and I can become profoundly suicidal with no warning. The intensity of the emotion and the desire to not exist anymore is unbelievable and I think only another person with this disorder truly understands. I no longer tell my therapist I'm suicidal, there is no point. I can manage these feelings on my own, as they come and go. It's the same for me - one hour later I'm shocked that I was feeling so intensely suicidal, one hour later I'm rather numb and no longer care. I will most likely CTB soon after my parents die, so I'll have to wait quite a lot. I feel suicidal when something triggers me, which causes my mind to be flooded with negative thoughts and I suddenly remember how shitty everything is and how pointless life is, and how much suffering there is. I also remember what I hate about my life, although I'm generally content, but I have a lot of personal frustrations and I remember them all in those moments. Thankfully it doesn't last long, especially now that I'm off psych meds. I have more emotional balance these days, but it's still nasty when I have those episodes. I refrain from acting impulsively when I feel like that, as I did that before and obviously failed because they were rushed and not well-thought-out attempts. I do DBT therapy to try and manage my triggers better and keep my over the top emotional reactions under control. It helps a little tbh.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I feel exactly the same, as I also have BPD, and I can become profoundly suicidal with no warning. The intensity of the emotion and the desire to not exist anymore is unbelievable and I think only another person with this disorder truly understands. I no longer tell my therapist I'm suicidal, there is no point. I can manage these feelings on my own, as they come and go. It's the same for me - one hour later I'm shocked that I was feeling so intensely suicidal, one hour later I'm rather numb and no longer care. I will most likely CTB soon after my parents die, so I'll have to wait quite a lot. I feel suicidal when something triggers me, which causes my mind to be flooded with negative thoughts and I suddenly remember how shitty everything is and how pointless life is, and how much suffering there is. I also remember what I hate about my life, although I'm generally content, but I have a lot of personal frustrations and I remember them all in those moments. Thankfully it doesn't last long, especially now that I'm off psych meds. I have more emotional balance these days, but it's still nasty when I have those episodes. I refrain from acting impulsively when I feel like that, as I did that before and obviously failed because they were rushed and not well-thought-out attempts. I do DBT therapy to try and manage my triggers better and keep my over the top emotional reactions under control. It helps a little tbh.

that's exactly how I feel, every negative thought comes at me at those moments, life then is treuly pointless. How does dbt therapy work, what do you exactly do in sessions?

 

[crystal_meth97]

that's exactly how I feel, every negative thought comes at me at those moments, life then is treuly pointless. How does dbt therapy work, what do you exactly do in sessions?

My therapist teaches me various skills for coping with intense emotions, managing triggers, identifying triggers, minimizing distress, expressing my anger, and so on. DBT is very work-oriented and solution-centered. I also keep track of my moods with the use of a DBT app, it's part of the work and helps me observe how my mood changes from one day to another.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

My therapist teaches me various skills for coping with intense emotions, managing triggers, identifying triggers, minimizing distress, expressing my anger, and so on. DBT is very work-oriented and solution-centered. I also keep track of my moods with the use of a DBT app, it's part of the work and helps me observe how my mood changes from one day to another.

Thank you for your response. I think I Will ask my therapist for dbt too.

 

[crystal_meth97]

Thank you for your response. I think I Will ask my therapist for dbt too.

No problem! Sure, I encourage you to try DBT if you have BPD, it's thought out specifically for the issues people with this disorder experience. I think it's worth a try. I haven't been doing DBT for a long time, but what I learned until now was surprisingly useful and made my life a little more bearable. Best of luck!

 

[alltoomuch2]

I'm trying to explain my suicidality to my therapist, but she doesn't understand me. I thought maybe someone else van relate to my feelings and explain them better.

I have BPD and sometimes I realy feel like I want to die so badly. There is no option for life at that moment. I make multiple attempts to kill myself, I really have to die! One hour later, I can't imagine how I felt an hour ago. I don't understand why I wanted to die so badly and I could never do an attempt at that moment. I feel like a completely different person.

my therapist treats me like an attentionseeker. Can anyone relate?

My problem is always that I can never remember my moods and emotions. So if you ask me how I was yesterday, I'll believe and answer that I was ok, but then if I've written down my thoughts when I felt like that, I'm shocked to read them the next day as I can't remember any of it and they're really bad. I now write down everything I'm thinking on my laptop when I start to spiral into wanting to ctb and during the time I want to ctb, then I print off those thoughts and give them to my therapist or the crisis team or whoever. This helps a lot because they see how serious I am, and gives them something to work on. My MH problems really affect my memory so I have to use this method a lot or they'd not know what we need to work on.
I'm horrified your therapist thinks you are an attention seeker. Surely no one has ctb thoughts just to get attention.

Thank you for your response. I think I Will ask my therapist for dbt too.

I was also recommended these DBT books so I could do some stuff on my own as well: The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook 2nd edition by Matthew McKay etc. That's quite readable and has things for you to do as you go along. If you want the more in depth serious DBT stuff, there's the DBT Skills Training Manual 2nd edition by Marsha M. Linehan and the workbook that goes with it "DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets" (also by Marsha M. Linehan). A lot of DBT therapists use these. Not all therapists are qualified in DBT, but it is easier to learn if your therapist has a DBT qualification.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

My problem is always that I can never remember my moods and emotions. So if you ask me how I was yesterday, I'll believe and answer that I was ok, but then if I've written down my thoughts when I felt like that, I'm shocked to read them the next day as I can't remember any of it and they're really bad. I now write down everything I'm thinking on my laptop when I start to spiral into wanting to ctb and during the time I want to ctb, then I print off those thoughts and give them to my therapist or the crisis team or whoever. This helps a lot because they see how serious I am, and gives them something to work on. My MH problems really affect my memory so I have to use this method a lot or they'd not know what we need to work on.
I'm horrified your therapist thinks you are an attention seeker. Surely no one has ctb thoughts just to get attention.

I was also recommended these DBT books so I could do some stuff on my own as well: The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook 2nd edition by Matthew McKay etc. That's quite readable and has things for you to do as you go along. If you want the more in depth serious DBT stuff, there's the DBT Skills Training Manual 2nd edition by Marsha M. Linehan and the workbook that goes with it "DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets" (also by Marsha M. Linehan). A lot of DBT therapists use these. Not all therapists are qualified in DBT, but it is easier to learn if your therapist has a DBT qualification.

Yes, that's exactly what I do too, writing down how I feel, because I also forget the next day.

Thnx for the info on the books!

 

[akwa]

In my journal I find myself writing "I have to get out of here" over and over and over again, or some variant of "I don't wanna be here anymore". If you haven't tried it, it might be helpful to try to channel your pain into journaling, even just one time to try to see what comes up for you?

One thing you're describing reminds me of Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. In short, it's said that if you have a trauma history, your brain might actually be in a type of flashback when you're suicidal if when you're out of it you suddenly feel like a veil has lifted. I don't describe it as good as he can, but something that may worth looking into. Could be happening to a lot of us honestly (but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with).

 

[BojackHorseman]

I can definitely agree with you that its hard to put into words. Someone mentioned journaling and I think thats a great idea. I have a journal on my computer, and when I am having a panic attack I just type whatever crap is spewing from my brain. It is usually just a string of "I cant do this anymore. Its too much. Its just too much. I cant do it. I dont want to be here." Others have mentioned forgetting the next day how they felt and I can somewhat relate. Like I know I had a bad day, but to go back and actually read what I wrote feels like someone else wrote it. Its almost embarassing. It can actually trigger another panic attack too, cause I start to get afraid of it happening again. I start remembering how unpleasant it felt so I start to panic about it happening again cause I dont want to feel that way. I am sorry your therapist acts like your an attention seeker. I think I speak for everyone here that we believe you and are here for you. I wish you the best.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Before, my suicidal thoughts would become so severe that they would consume me. There were times where they'd just pop out of nowhere and all I could do was just imagine my dying while having the urge to just act my impulses and do it. I still get them from time to time but they've calmed down since last month. They always seem to be mixed with feelings of rage, sadness, guilt, and hopelessness. Sometimes they'd last for hours, coming in out throughout the day, while other times they'd last for only a few minutes.

 

[Abyssal]

I feel suicidal…okay bad joke


When I'm truly suicidal, I mean 10/10 full blown taking action (the happens about once a month) I'm in pure agony. Happened the other day, I am unsure if I was having a panic attack in hindsight. It's excruciating. Agonizing. Death is better than that pain. Death is better than knowing I'll have more of those moments to come.

 

[gggy]

omg I'm having the same problem

 

[astonishedturnip]

For me it's a mix of dread and pure panic. As though something horrible is at my heels and I need to escape before it gets to me first. It's cliché, but the feeling of "no way out" and "it will only get worse, only bad things will happen in the future" eclipse any rational thought or planning. CBT and grounding techniques are ABSOLUTELY USELESS for me. It's like trying to meditate while someone is doing a jazz improv solo at full volume directly into your ear.

Usually I calm down but takes a few hours or a day to wonder what the hell had gotten into me.