How do you even get the strength to properly plan and research this stuff?

[kindalone]

I don't even know if this is a question that can be answered. Maybe it's just me rambling. I've been going through the motions lately, trying to appear as normal as possible. It is fortunate that people in general are used to me being depressed and lethargic, so I didn't have to act much. But things have been weighing on me a lot.

I've been expelled from university, which my parents have paid for me. It was my last ditch effort to get my things in order and finally integrate into society somehow and become a productive member. I wasn't well mentally before I decided this, so it was an impulsive decision on my part in retrospect. But I hoped that I would get into it as soon as I started.

Well, things didn't pan out the way I hoped, as if that was surprising. I've been failing a lot, didn't attend because of my mental health, and sometimes straight up didn't go to exams because it just felt pointless. They expelled me 5 months ago and I just pretended that I still had courses and said they were online. My parents are immigrants so they just bought it. They didn't have suspicions at all.

To further avert their attention, I worked part-time at their business to appear like I contribute, cooked food and kept the house clean as best as I could (most days it looked fine but it wasn't really as clean as it could be), and did laundry. My parents were happy with most of it, but my POS father of course always had something to say but whatever. I also helped my sister with some of her school work and was pretty much her personal therapist - a pretty bad one sometimes. Additionally, I'm taking Kratom just to get through the day and not break down in tears. So yeah, I kept up appearances and it worked until now.

Anyway, I can't really hide from them forever and they ought to find out eventually. I've been subscribed to this forum since last year because I just couldn't go on anymore and thought that if I lurk in this forum for a while, I will finally plan things out one day and ctb within a year or so. Now it's been a year and I don't even have a set method. It was difficult to read sometimes because it made me emotional. I just started crying and stopped the damn research before I even began. And now, I'm at my wits end and have absolutely nothing.

Part of me is telling me that I'm not ready. That maybe I'll never be ready and will just suffer through this for the rest of my life and be a leech to everyone I know and love. But I'm gonna be honest, I don't wanna accept that. I don't want to go through all these hardships just to have a tiny shot at a normal life that doesn't suck. I'm done having to listen to people that I have to overcome some kind of obstacle just for life to be worth it. I'm not fucking young anymore. I'm 32 and still can't get my life in order. How many times do I have to fail miserably and prove to myself and everyone else that I'm a fuckup? Or is life supposed to be endless suffering? If it is, then fuck life. I want out.

Anybody having problems like me and still procrastinating even though their decision is final? Any solutions to this? I'd love to hear.

 

[heisenberg]

making the decision to ctb isn't always easy for everyone , and finding a method can be difficult. i'm sorry your mental health has impacted you this much. i don't think you're a "fuckup" though, life hasn't been well for you from what you said and we can't control things that happen to us all the time. i hope you're able to find a method that appeals to you and find peace. i've had similar thoughts, i don't think i was meant to be around for too long at all and don't really care for living a life that i know won't be fulfilling. while i have my method of choice already, i'm just delaying getting the last thing i need for it waiting for the off chance "something good happens to me" but i know it won't. i've felt this way since i was 13 and i'm tired of pretending like i enjoy life.

 

[UKscotty]

The decision to CTB is never easy, that's why its the last resort.

You sound unsure so maybe giving recovery another go would be worth it? Maybe check out the recovery half of this forum and ask them for some practical advice.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[kindalone]

The decision to CTB is never easy, that's why its the last resort.

You sound unsure so maybe giving recovery another go would be worth it? Maybe check out the recovery half of this forum and ask them for some practical advice.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I feel like I'm scared more than I'm unsure. I don't feel like there's much that I can change other than prolonging whatever is going to happen. In the end, I will be here again, searching for methods. But thanks regardless. I appreciate it.

 

[Linda]

If you want to tackle your problems, I think the best place to start is by explaining to your parents what has happened. They are going to find out eventually anyway, even if you ctb, and it would be better to tell them yourself. Then try to figure out a way forward, either by yourself, or with your parents help, or with help from friends, or with help from a therapist (or some combination of those). If your father is hostile, give him at least a week to process what has happened, but if he remains hostile I think you will have to tell him, forcefully if necessary, to stay out of your life.

I don't think you should ctb yet, because I think you still have at least some chance of making something of your life. If you try to move forward, but don't succeed, the option to ctb won't have gone away, so you have nothing to lose by giving life another try.

Good luck.

 

[kindalone]

If you want to tackle your problems, I think the best place to start is by explaining to your parents what has happened. They are going to find out eventually anyway, even if you ctb, and it would be better to tell them yourself. Then try to figure out a way forward, either by yourself, or with your parents help, or with help from friends, or with help from a therapist (or some combination of those). If your father is hostile, give him at least a week to process what has happened, but if he remains hostile I think you will have to tell him, forcefully if necessary, to stay out of your life.

I don't think you should ctb yet, because I think you still have at least some chance of making something of your life. If you try to move forward, but don't succeed, the option to ctb won't have gone away, so you have nothing to lose by giving life another try.

Good luck.

I don't know if this is really where I want to direct my efforts in. I already have to sedate myself partially just to get through the day. There's really no appeal for me to make it work anymore. Thank you for the advice, though. It is much appreciated.

 

[Linda]

I don't know if this is really where I want to direct my efforts in. I already have to sedate myself partially just to get through the day. There's really no appeal for me to make it work anymore. Thank you for the advice, though. It is much appreciated.

Whatever you decide to do, you will always be able to find support on this forum.

 

[helpls]

For me sometimes not knowing is always better. I just get the necessary info and disregard info like pain and how long it takes because things like pain really depends on the person. I've been on this forum for quite a while (without an account) and my plan used to be SN. Finding a legitimate plan really helped my mental health in the long run ngl as I could always choose to ctb whenever I wanted. Now it's completely gone though as it's going to become really hard to get SN (idk why I didnt try and get SN before it's too late). If you really want a plan, I'd say ignore all the pain etc. info as it's just going to make you hesitate even more.
My ctb plan changed constantly but I feel it always calms me down and helps me think better. It's times like this when I realise the plan actually doesn't work where I start to spiral again.

 

[SexyIncél]

Just out of curiosity: did you get a blood test? Check levels of B12, thyroid hormone, etc?

 

[breezer_a]

I don't even know if this is a question that can be answered. Maybe it's just me rambling. I've been going through the motions lately, trying to appear as normal as possible. It is fortunate that people in general are used to me being depressed and lethargic, so I didn't have to act much. But things have been weighing on me a lot.

I've been expelled from university, which my parents have paid for me. It was my last ditch effort to get my things in order and finally integrate into society somehow and become a productive member. I wasn't well mentally before I decided this, so it was an impulsive decision on my part in retrospect. But I hoped that I would get into it as soon as I started.

Well, things didn't pan out the way I hoped, as if that was surprising. I've been failing a lot, didn't attend because of my mental health, and sometimes straight up didn't go to exams because it just felt pointless. They expelled me 5 months ago and I just pretended that I still had courses and said they were online. My parents are immigrants so they just bought it. They didn't have suspicions at all.

To further avert their attention, I worked part-time at their business to appear like I contribute, cooked food and kept the house clean as best as I could (most days it looked fine but it wasn't really as clean as it could be), and did laundry. My parents were happy with most of it, but my POS father of course always had something to say but whatever. I also helped my sister with some of her school work and was pretty much her personal therapist - a pretty bad one sometimes. Additionally, I'm taking Kratom just to get through the day and not break down in tears. So yeah, I kept up appearances and it worked until now.

Anyway, I can't really hide from them forever and they ought to find out eventually. I've been subscribed to this forum since last year because I just couldn't go on anymore and thought that if I lurk in this forum for a while, I will finally plan things out one day and ctb within a year or so. Now it's been a year and I don't even have a set method. It was difficult to read sometimes because it made me emotional. I just started crying and stopped the damn research before I even began. And now, I'm at my wits end and have absolutely nothing.

Part of me is telling me that I'm not ready. That maybe I'll never be ready and will just suffer through this for the rest of my life and be a leech to everyone I know and love. But I'm gonna be honest, I don't wanna accept that. I don't want to go through all these hardships just to have a tiny shot at a normal life that doesn't suck. I'm done having to listen to people that I have to overcome some kind of obstacle just for life to be worth it. I'm not fucking young anymore. I'm 32 and still can't get my life in order. How many times do I have to fail miserably and prove to myself and everyone else that I'm a fuckup? Or is life supposed to be endless suffering? If it is, then fuck life. I want out.

Anybody having problems like me and still procrastinating even though their decision is final? Any solutions to this? I'd love to hear.

My procrastination is very very bad that i get distracted while researching ctb methods, seems like our minds are cooked lol.
Im about to fail for pretty much the exact same reason, I know i will ctb when i do fail (its a 100% chance i do) so i wanna ctb early so at least i wont have to see the result. Trying to source stuff, procrastinated on the ukraine source and missed out :(

 

[coinflip]

I got the strength by deciding a specific trigger for my CTB, and also by starting to take anti-depressants. Gives me just enough drive to make baby steps. I'm still not super rushed on all the details because my potential trigger is about 6 months out, so when I have wave of energy come over me I do a little bit, and a couple weeks later when another wave of energy comes over me I do a little more.