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curiouskitty

Member
Jul 13, 2020
28
I'm in a job-seeking slump. I am entirely disinterested in all the job postings that are in line with my academic background, and the positions which seem at least non-boring I get passed over all the time. The advice I get from well-meaning friends and family is just to grit my teeth and go for "anything as long as it pays rent." I mean, sure, except recruiters/interviewers/hiring people don't want to hire a person that just says "I am only here to not be homeless." But to be completely honest, I don't really want to do anything.

Same shit with hobbies and just doing activities. I don't want to do anything. I am quite content waiting for a lightning stroke, or cancer, or a freak accident to shut off the proverbial lights.

My life-long goals have always been something along the lines of "do something that is non-boring, then when you run out of stuff to do, go die." I don't dream of labour, of being a productive member of society, of starting a family (yuck), or having a billion dollars in the bank. I just want to be dead. I would have preferred to not exist in the first place, but i'll accept some kind of not-very-gruesome demise.

I've tried therapy before, and the moment I open up about the life-long suicidal ideation, psychologists don't want to work with me. Meds don't work. Improving my diet, sleep schedule and level of physical activity did literally nothing.

I don't want to do anything. I just want to die. Anyone have any advice how to start wanting to do anything?
 
CouldaHvBeenARock

CouldaHvBeenARock

Farewell, My Concubine
Nov 16, 2023
112
Almost in the same boat so, If you find a way forward please share
 
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thecreepycanadian

Member
Oct 24, 2023
14
You sound exactly like me. I actually can't believe it. Since age 12 I've just been waiting for my parents to pass away and then kill myself. No dreams, aspirations, hobbies. Nothing really mattered all that much. Just apathy. My inevitable suicide was the only thing I really thought about.

Cannabis oil woke me up from this nightmarish daydream. It's the only thing that has ever helped. Like, it connects me with my soul/consciousness and to the world/universe. Makes me desire to live. A much different experience than smoking it (for me, personally).

Have you ever used it before?
 
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CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
I'm in a job-seeking slump. I am entirely disinterested in all the job postings that are in line with my academic background, and the positions which seem at least non-boring I get passed over all the time. The advice I get from well-meaning friends and family is just to grit my teeth and go for "anything as long as it pays rent." I mean, sure, except recruiters/interviewers/hiring people don't want to hire a person that just says "I am only here to not be homeless." But to be completely honest, I don't really want to do anything.

Same shit with hobbies and just doing activities. I don't want to do anything. I am quite content waiting for a lightning stroke, or cancer, or a freak accident to shut off the proverbial lights.

My life-long goals have always been something along the lines of "do something that is non-boring, then when you run out of stuff to do, go die." I don't dream of labour, of being a productive member of society, of starting a family (yuck), or having a billion dollars in the bank. I just want to be dead. I would have preferred to not exist in the first place, but i'll accept some kind of not-very-gruesome demise.

I've tried therapy before, and the moment I open up about the life-long suicidal ideation, psychologists don't want to work with me. Meds don't work. Improving my diet, sleep schedule and level of physical activity did literally nothing.

I don't want to do anything. I just want to die. Anyone have any advice how to start wanting to do anything?
You described dysthymia and they stopped working with you? That's horrible. It can be treated so there's a plus.

Depression is a spectrum and you can be mildly or severely depressed. Right now you're probably suffering from MDD. This happened to me last year when I wasn't going outside and had low Vitamin D.

Right now you just need to improve health just enough that you care again. It usually takes a month for me.

Sleep at a normal time and wake up at a normal time. No naps.

Eat at normal times.

Go outside and sit or walk or like in the sun for 30min a day. Windows will block UV B.

If you can workout or just go for walks, that helps a lot.
 
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CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
I like your name
 
theboy

theboy

Visionary
Jul 15, 2022
2,680
walking around my house overthinking or lying on my bed thinking about things.
 
C

curiouskitty

Member
Jul 13, 2020
28
You described dysthymia and they stopped working with you? That's horrible. It can be treated so there's a plus.

Depression is a spectrum and you can be mildly or severely depressed. Right now you're probably suffering from MDD. This happened to me last year when I wasn't going outside and had low Vitamin D.

Right now you just need to improve health just enough that you care again. It usually takes a month for me.

I've been on psychiatric meds for years (different dosages, combinations, etc). Tried all the alternative therapies available to me (weed, psychedelics, meditation, what have you). Both me and the symptoms are effectively the same age, the suicidal ideation is at least 15 years old. Nothing seems to help.
Cannabis oil woke me up from this nightmarish daydream. It's the only thing that has ever helped. Like, it connects me with my soul/consciousness and to the world/universe. Makes me desire to live. A much different experience than smoking it (for me, personally).

Cannabis (smoked and ingested) gives me a horrible sense of anxiety.
 
CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
I've been on psychiatric meds for years (different dosages, combinations, etc). Tried all the alternative therapies available to me (weed, psychedelics, meditation, what have you). Both me and the symptoms are effectively the same age, the suicidal ideation is at least 15 years old. Nothing seems to help.


Cannabis (smoked and ingested) gives me a horrible sense of anxiety.
Weed increases my anxiety as well!

Likewise on very long term suicidal thoughts and depression. It's called dysthymia.

The things that broke it were a combination of several things. Fixing blood test issues (vitamin D), therapy, medications, deep tms (prob could be replaced with TDCS), esketamine treatment, meditation, working out, going on walks, not isolating, fixing my sleep schedule, and eating properly.
 
Mirrory Me

Mirrory Me

Life is a mirror, but "whose" mirror?
Mar 23, 2023
487
It just sounds like you're unmotivated because you're not getting the results you want, and you don't necessarily know what you want. The things you mentioned really sounded boring, wouldn't there be a job you might want to do (regardless of the money)? Or what would be fun and inspire you.
 
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