Discussion How do you choose your life partner?

[brimstonenfire_rain]

Monogamy.

Why should someone fall in love with me? Why should someone choose me as a life partner? Why me? I have always wondered about this.

Ask yourselves to understand what I mean. No matter how beautiful I may be, or you may be, no matter how closely I align with their ideal personality, or you align with their ideal personality, what are the chances that there is someone better than me or you in the world? No matter how similar we may be in all aspects, there will always be someone who excels.

This argument doesn't apply if your lover has saved your life, you've known each other since childhood, or something, because in that case, there might be many equals or even better matches, but none will be as special as your significant other.

So, I wonder, should they choose me, should they choose you, perhaps out of laziness? Because they are tired of searching for someone better, even though statistically that person exists, so they settle because it's acceptable?

That person for you may be as perfect as you want, as ideal as you want, but we must be aware that there is someone very similar, who is also 0.1% better in something compared to the other.

I don't know if I've made the concept understandable

So, in summary, speaking as if I were embodying any human being, I don't find it fair for someone to fall in love with me because there will always be someone better than me. (unless I have saved your life, then in that case, I might understand)


Monogamists, respond.

 

[Little_Suzy]

What is the question?

 

[just_a_guy]

I think there are several reasons why people choose the person they choose instead of holding out for the "perfect partner".

1. Time. Even if you could arrange to meet every suitable partner you wouldn't have enough time to even have a five minute conversation with each person.
2. Rating. How would you know who the perfect partner is? There is no scoring system that will tell you with absolute certainty that it's the right person for you.
3. Reciprocation. Even if you were able to speed run the entirety of the suitable population, and you were able to determine the perfect partner, they might not feel the same.

People aren't perfect, we cannot expect a perfect partner or for a relationship to be perfect. Compromise, patience, and respect help grow the relationship and if you managed to find the perfect partner, you would inevitably become lazy and would have no need to practice these vital skills, sending that perfect relationship into a death spiral

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I think the issue doesn't lie on whether there is someone better out there but rather on the fact that one develops feelings for the person and can grow together as a couple.

People tend to see love very short term: infatuation, honeymoon phase, young age years. Love is rather developed through time, companionship and shared experiences.

For my case, I don't care if statistically there is someone out there that is better for me because I have already spent years with my boyfriend. We have grieved together, we have had disagreements and we have grown through the years. Seeing his achievements, taking care of him when he's down, seeing how he treats me well, that is all little sparks to the big fire of love we have. And with spending time together and going through life stages together (uni, job, renting a house) my boyfriend becomes irreplaceable by some mere statistic. I wouldn't have been able to live through these things again with another person, it wouldn't be the same. Also, I like the fact that he is not perfectly aligned with me, that's what makes him interesting.

I like seeing his different opinions and way of thinking, I don't want someone perfect nor am I settling. I am merely I love with someone with whom I've lived through so much, that never betrayed my trust, that stood by me when I needed him, that behaved and still behaves as a life partner. For that reason, statistics are irrelevant because what matters is the time you spend with someone and the time you'll continue to spend, and develop more love, for that person.

 

[brimstonenfire_rain]

What is the question?

Why should someone choose me as a life partner, when there is someone better than me out there?

I think there are several reasons why people choose the person they choose instead of holding out for the "perfect partner".

1. Time. Even if you could arrange to meet every suitable partner you wouldn't have enough time to even have a five minute conversation with each person.
2. Rating. How would you know who the perfect partner is? There is no scoring system that will tell you with absolute certainty that it's the right person for you.
3. Reciprocation. Even if you were able to speed run the entirety of the suitable population, and you were able to determine the perfect partner, they might not feel the same.

People aren't perfect, we cannot expect a perfect partner or for a relationship to be perfect. Compromise, patience, and respect help grow the relationship and if you managed to find the perfect partner, you would inevitably become lazy and would have no need to practice these vital skills, sending that perfect relationship into a death spiral

Time and Rating, wouldn't it be better to see it from a perspective of continuous exploration? To mature through experiences with different lovers?

I think the issue doesn't lie on whether there is someone better out there but rather on the fact that one develops feelings for the person and can grow together as a couple.

People tend to see love very short term: infatuation, honeymoon phase, young age years. Love is rather developed through time, companionship and shared experiences.

For my case, I don't care if statistically there is someone out there that is better for me because I have already spent years with my boyfriend. We have grieved together, we have had disagreements and we have grown through the years. Seeing his achievements, taking care of him when he's down, seeing how he treats me well, that is all little sparks to the big fire of love we have. And with spending time together and going through life stages together (uni, job, renting a house) my boyfriend becomes irreplaceable by some mere statistic. I wouldn't have been able to live through these things again with another person, it wouldn't be the same. Also, I like the fact that he is not perfectly aligned with me, that's what makes him interesting.

I like seeing his different opinions and way of thinking, I don't want someone perfect nor am I settling. I am merely I love with someone with whom I've lived through so much, that never betrayed my trust, that stood by me when I needed him, that behaved and still behaves as a life partner. For that reason, statistics are irrelevant because what matters is the time you spend with someone and the time you'll continue to spend, and develop more love, for that person.

However, the concept is, there will be something even stupid about him that you don't like, maybe you would like him to be taller. Well, maybe in the world, there will be someone literally identical to him but taller. You would still spend years with him anyway (in the sense, the time spent with this taller person would be the same because he is identical to him), you would have still suffered together, you would have still had disagreements, and you would have grown over the years. It's bullshit, I know. I don't doubt people's love, but I feel bad at the thought that a woman could fall in love with me and see me as a potential life partner when she could still have a sexual encounter with me anyway and keep searching for someone better than me as a life partner.

 

[carac]

Because they love you. Love doesn't bother with perfectionism, in fact being perfect is in itself an imperfection. When you love someone you take them as they are with all their faults and all their failings. You love them just for being them.

 

[Aim]

Being best friends that love and challenge each other to grow both as individuals but also as couples. It's important I believe to have one life together, but also do seperate things. Communication and unconditional earned love. Relationship will always be compromise and work, but with the right relationship you will be able to handel the imperfections in a healthy way i belive! I def need someone that can teach me about subjects, so that we can have productive soulfilling convoes. No ego. But work as a team.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

However, the concept is, there will be something even stupid about him that you don't like, maybe you would like him to be taller. Well, maybe in the world, there will be someone literally identical to him but taller. You would still spend years with him anyway (in the sense, the time spent with this taller person would be the same because he is identical to him), you would have still suffered together, you would have still had disagreements, and you would have grown over the years. It's bullshit, I know. I don't doubt people's love, but I feel bad at the thought that a woman could fall in love with me and see me as a potential life partner when she could still have a sexual encounter with me anyway and keep searching for someone better than me as a life partner.

How could I spend years with this taller person if I'm already in my 30s and have already lived these past years with my boyfriend? Are you talking about an alternate reality?

Another thing is, I don't think anyone who loves their partner would want to switch to an identical one that is better in one or more aspects. I know I wouldn't because it doesn't matter to me, the flaws are what make the person real, interesting, charming.

You shouldn't feel bad for women dating you. The end goal of a relationship isn't sleeping with the other person so I don't see why a woman would want just that and move on to her potential perfect partner.

Even if that partner exists, what if he is in another country, speaks another language and you would never think about moving abroad? Would you discard the person you love or are growing affection towards for some person who you would never find? Because I doubt you'd magically know that they live in a small town in France and you'd have to move there, learn the language, meet them and start a relationship.

You also may not do well in a relationship like that. I live in the UK and never dated an English guy, I feel like I need to be able to communicate in my native language, have some shared culture.

Don't think so much about what ifs, life is so hard, finding a good partner is so hard, if you make it even harder with difficult possibilities, you'll be miserable.

 

[brimstonenfire_rain]

How could I spend years with this taller person if I'm already in my 30s and have already lived these past years with my boyfriend? Are you talking about an alternate reality?

Another thing is, I don't think anyone who loves their partner would want to switch to an identical one that is better in one or more aspects. I know I wouldn't because it doesn't matter to me, the flaws are what make the person real, interesting, charming.

You shouldn't feel bad for women dating you. The end goal of a relationship isn't sleeping with the other person so I don't see why a woman would want just that and move on to her potential perfect partner.

Even if that partner exists, what if he is in another country, speaks another language and you would never think about moving abroad? Would you discard the person you love or are growing affection towards for some person who you would never find? Because I doubt you'd magically know that they live in a small town in France and you'd have to move there, learn the language, meet them and start a relationship.

You also may not do well in a relationship like that. I live in the UK and never dated an English guy, I feel like I need to be able to communicate in my native language, have some shared culture.

Don't think so much about what ifs, life is so hard, finding a good partner is so hard, if you make it even harder with difficult possibilities, you'll be miserable.

Yes, we were talking about a sort of different timeline.

There might be a flaw in him that you don't like, or perhaps it's precisely the flaws you don't like that make you like him more (and on that, I totally agree).

Maybe I'm just too used to women who would go out with me only for that purpose, or maybe it's me who can't seem to look at other types of women anymore.

That's why in the previous response, I was talking about seeing it from a perspective of constant exploration, traveling, and continuously getting to know new people from always diverse cultures.

Maybe I'm broken, because I've already know the most important person in my life. She saved me, so to me, she can't be just any girl; in my eyes, she was perfect, beyond any human being. And even though I have no idea how she's doing now, she's probably fine beside someone else and may have erased me from her memory, even if she thought she felt something for me. I'll be devoted to her as long as I have breath in my body, and I'll be happy for her because I assume she's happy even if I'm damned to suffer forever. She reminds me of Dante's Beatrice. So maybe it's me who can't look at any other woman imagining her as a life partner. I've never really supported

.Polygamy

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

At least you've got options, right?

There is no "perfect partner" - there's just people who get with people out of convenience of proximity and like just_a_guy said, reciprocation.

If someone is sleeping with you, but privately looking to replace you, that's always a risk.

But it also depends on how strong your relationship/bond is, I guess.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

What was a surprise to me is when I was told that I'm supposed to let God choose the right partner. The reason for this is that when we choose the person, we choose with the flesh, and our flesh desires are often misleading. We will overlook the toxic traits of a potential partner because we think they are beautiful, high status, to look good in the eyes of others. We are supposed to ask God to send us an appropriate partner, pray for it. Be specific on what u need in your partner when u pray for it. Ideally u will want a partner who is Godly because it's difficult to have an enduring relationship with someone who strays from those kinds of values. This is why so many people divorce. Well one reason. The initial phases of the relationship with someone is pleasant and people are in the honeymoon phase. Then reality hits and this is why u need to have a mature view about relationships. We are meant to both put the needs of the other person in the relationship as a priority because it's supposed to be cooperative. So like u both have to be in it not just for yourself but for the other person too. Oftentimes what happens with ungodly marriages or unions is that each person is more about their own needs and one person or the other are not getting their needs met. Too many unions are where one person gives everything but the other person is only on the take most of the time. Another problem is many people don't know how to work out conflicts and that will gradually ruin relationships. So u need someone who is willing to address things immediately and not let things keep brewing until it's too late and u are heading for breakup.