I have flaked on like 5 interviews due to fear/anxiety. When I first started the job search, I would accept interviews even if I was super uncomfortable and like sweating with my heart beating out of my chest. But now it's like all of the rejection has gotten to me, and I can not make myself show up. I have always experienced horrible physical symptoms from anxiety, but I was able to push myself and do whatever was making me anxious. Now, I have mild physical symptoms but I will berate myself until I eventually decide not to go through with XYZ obligation. I have tried reassuring myself that the interviewer is just a person, the interviewer already knows that I'm nervous, or that however I perform it will probably not be the worst interview this person has ever seen. Which would usually help, but it is doing nothing for me at the moment.
How have you all been able to push through your anxiety?? I really need to get this under control because this can very quickly derail so many things! It's feeling very shit or get off the pot (KYS) lately
i'm really sorry you're in this situation, it sounds very stressful :( i struggle with similar issues. i'm just gonna write out my strategies here and hope something here is helpful to you. this comment is disorganized and long, so i apologize in advance for the rambling lol
external accountability helps a lot--tell a friend or family member that you're doing an interview and tell them the time and day. just the pressure of someone else knowing helps me follow through.
it helps to break the task down into the smallest possible steps to make it feel less overwhelming, and i start early to give myself time to feel anxious. so instead of it being a binary decision whether to attend the interview or not, it's a series of smaller, low stakes decisions that are less daunting. let's say the interview is online. maybe i can't get myself to agree to the interview yet. but i can get myself to agree to play some energetic positive music. then i can get myself to agree to put on a dress shirt. then i can get myself to agree to put on slacks. then i can get myself to agree to powering on my computer. then i can get myself to agree to opening my email. then i can get myself to agree to opening the email that has the interview meeting link in it. when i'm struggling to click the interview link, i remind myself that i'll feel sooo much worse if i skip the interview. then i imagine myself after completing the interview, feeling relief that it's over, and feeling proud of myself for getting more experience with doing interviews.
it sounds to me like you're trying to reason with your anxiety. the problem is (1) anxiety isn't rational, it's emotional, and reasoning with an emotion doesn't work. and (2) by trying to reason with irrational thoughts and prove them wrong, you are negotiating with them and giving them legitimacy. the goal is not to stop the thoughts or emotions, but to give them less power over you in the moment.
imagine that your anxiety is a kind, batty, paranoid great-great-great-grandma named meemaw. she cares about you a lot, but she is completely disconnected from reality, and she says ridiculous things all the time. she's trying to be helpful and caring in her own way. but just because meemaw says something, doesn't mean you have to engage with it or do what she says. if meemaw tells you to cover your entire body in tinfoil to protect you from 5g and aliens, do you try to argue with meemaw and make her see logic? do you cover yourself in tinfoil to placate meemaw? no, you just say "haha, okay meemaw" and laugh it off and go about your day normally, no tinfoil required! if she's really insistent you might say "meemaw, covering myself in tinfoil isn't a good idea for my situation. but thank you for looking out for me!"
so when meemaw tells you that you have to cancel your interview because it'll be the worst interview ever and your whole life will fall apart and the interviewer is going to point and laugh at you, you say "haha, alright meemaw" and go about the interview as planned. if she is really insistent you might say "meemaw, canceling my interview isn't helpful for my situation, but thank you for looking out for me."
there's no use trying to make meemaw see logic, it's pointless to try to convince her that she's wrong. there's no reason to negotiate with meemaw and there's certainly no reason to follow her suggestions! instead, you can politely turn down her suggestions and just follow your original plan. and you can appreciate that meemaw is trying to protect you and take care of you in her own quirky way.
if you do this consistently, meemaw realizes over time that constantly yelling conspiracy theories at you doesn't help. after a while, she just politely suggests her crazy ideas on occasion, which is a lot easier to deal with!
dbt skills help me so much with this stuff. basically dbt is a type of therapy, it's more complicated then what i'm describing here, but there are 4 modules: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. each module has some concrete skills that really help me deal with discomfort or overwhelming negative emotions.
for example, one of the distress tolerance skills is TIPP, which stands for Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Progressive muscle relaxation. for temperature, i like splashing cold water on my face, holding a bunch of ice cubes, or taking a hot shower. for Intense exercise, I do jumping jacks in my room or go on a run. another thing i like to do is listening to energetic/happy music and dancing around, even if i feel like an idiot doing it. it helps trick my body and mind into thinking that my anxious/nervous energy is actually excitement. by the end of the song i've tricked my brain into thinking that the energy i'm feeling is positive instead of negative.
another distress tolerance skill is self soothing with your senses. basically focusing on your senses to calm you down. so if im overwhelmed i might go to a park, look at how pretty the nature is, hear the sounds of nature around me, and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. or i'll make a meal and focus on the taste and smell. or i'll wrap myself in a soft blanket and focus on how the blanket feels against my skin.
in case it's helpful, i'll link a youtube video for a summary of the skills in each module:
mindfulness skills video, distress tolerance skills video,
emotion regulation skills video, and
interpersonal effectiveness skills video. if you prefer reading over watching,
here is a helpful website to learn the skills.
last thing, i am diagnosed with adhd and what you describe in your post reminds me of myself in some ways. i experience extremely intense feelings of shame, disappointment in myself, overwhelm, and avoidance. these emotions are so strong that they prevent me from doing the stuff that i need to do. starting a task i dont want to do feels like trying to force my hand to touch a hot stove burner--it is painful and very very difficult to force myself to do. i had to berate myself to get myself to do anything and it just made things worse.
if this sounds like you, or if you relate to common adhd symptoms, it might be a good idea to get evaluated for adhd. personally, adhd medication has helped me a lot. on medication, the negative emotions feel less intense, and i don't struggle as much to start daunting tasks. when i couldnt access medication, energy drinks or caffeine gave me the push i needed to start. even if you dont have adhd, maybe anxiety meds would help.
but the most important part is this: please try not to berate yourself. please be kind and compassionate to yourself
i am rooting for you!
