Venting How do I teach myself to get better?

[sirensepiphany]

I've struggled a lot with si since I was about 13, and now I'm 19. the days just keep going by and I think to myself "what the fuck am I still doing here???"
there was a point when i was 17 and tried to better myself (after a court case due to in school drug use lolol) where i tried to think through all my thought patterns and dissect what was wrong with me and fix those issues, but this was mostly due to guilt over drug-related friendship breakups.
ive been back to being where i was mentally when i was younger though. i dont really want to die, but im just so tired of living that i wish i could die w/o ctb. i have no goals, no passions, no purpose living currently. and this especially sucks when im in a happy relationship and have friends that i talk to occasionally.
i think the issue is that i dont have any discipline, and my partner told me thats an issue i have. i have a mindset of "if i dont want to do it, i wont." im just not sure how i can fix that. ive had this mindset since i was really young, and i dont know how to build motivation and discipline now when i have nothing i want to do with my life. i had aspirations to be an actor in my senior year, but after a huge blunder at my first musical audition in community college, ive learnt that im not special at all in the acting industry, and that i probably wouldnt get far considering i have zero experience in the real industry.
thats another thing, i never grew up with a real passion. i really liked drawing and singing growing up, but i have nothing to show for it. ive never taken classes, or had myself put out there. i wish i could go back in time and had my parents put me in an acting class, or take singing lessons or something like that.
but now im 19, i havent signed up for any classes for this upcoming semester, all i do is play video games all day, and i feel like im completely failing at life. i just dont really know how to pick myself up again and keep it consistent. i dont have any motivation to get better, but i really wish i could get better and pock myself up. even though thats kind of contradictory.

 

[orpheus_]

"Discipline" and motivating yourself to do things is hard as hell when you don't really see your future. Also for some people it's naturally just more difficult and that's not a matter of "will". If you have struggled with doing things you don't want to do since you were a kid, I'd suggest you to research ADHD and think whether you may have it, maybe get a diagnosis if you can afford it. Because it's often the case. It's like it's "naturally" harder for you to do things you don't find rewarding, and when you find nothing rewarding/satisfying/interesting it's hard to do anything. Basically that would mean you would need a different approach than most people. BUT I'm not saying it's certainly your case, just a thing to look into
(personally I have a similar problem and my therapist suggested me to get an ADHD diagnosis, and after some research I found that it's quite common and that may explain it).

Whatever is the reason for your trouble with motivation, there's probably some underlying issue and it's not just that "you lack discipline". You don't need to beat yourself up for it, other people might not get it because things come to them easily. Maybe you need a different strategy than brute force, and that's fine. It's not your fault that it's hard.

On finding hobbies... Just keep in mind that you don't need to be great at something to do it. You can start doing something casually, no pressure to be great or a professional at it. Eventually you might get into it more and maybe it will turn into a more serious passion that will bring you something good. Just try out different things, and see what appeals to you, even a bit. Like something where you like the process itself.

A few years ago I started drawing casually. I kept saying I don't want to be a professional, just doodling things to pass the time. My first sketchbooks were absolutely atrocious, honestly. But I kept doing it, just to get things out of my head, and learning things "accidentally", and over time actually acquired some decent skills. Just a random personal example because we love anecdotal evidence. But my point is: you don't need to start a hobby with an intention of becoming great at it. Also you don't need to be 'naturally talented' to start something. And just because you didn't start something from a young age, doesn't mean you will never get good at it. By the way 19 is still relatively young. If you feel some drive to acting you can start by doing this non-professionally, sign up for some acting classes if you have any in your area, you can also look into voice acting if you're into it maybe? It's more accessible because you can audition for small artists' projects online and build up experience that way.

I wish you luck, just know that you still have time. As long as you're alive. You can always pick up new things. I'm not saying that life is easy but maybe eventually you will find something you enjoy, at least

 

[sirensepiphany]

"Discipline" and motivating yourself to do things is hard as hell when you don't really see your future. Also for some people it's naturally just more difficult and that's not a matter of "will". If you have struggled with doing things you don't want to do since you were a kid, I'd suggest you to research ADHD and think whether you may have it, maybe get a diagnosis if you can afford it. Because it's often the case. It's like it's "naturally" harder for you to do things you don't find rewarding, and when you find nothing rewarding/satisfying/interesting it's hard to do anything. Basically that would mean you would need a different approach than most people. BUT I'm not saying it's certainly your case, just a thing to look into
(personally I have a similar problem and my therapist suggested me to get an ADHD diagnosis, and after some research I found that it's quite common and that may explain it).

Whatever is the reason for your trouble with motivation, there's probably some underlying issue and it's not just that "you lack discipline". You don't need to beat yourself up for it, other people might not get it because things come to them easily. Maybe you need a different strategy than brute force, and that's fine. It's not your fault that it's hard.

On finding hobbies... Just keep in mind that you don't need to be great at something to do it. You can start doing something casually, no pressure to be great or a professional at it. Eventually you might get into it more and maybe it will turn into a more serious passion that will bring you something good. Just try out different things, and see what appeals to you, even a bit. Like something where you like the process itself.

A few years ago I started drawing casually. I kept saying I don't want to be a professional, just doodling things to pass the time. My first sketchbooks were absolutely atrocious, honestly. But I kept doing it, just to get things out of my head, and learning things "accidentally", and over time actually acquired some decent skills. Just a random personal example because we love anecdotal evidence. But my point is: you don't need to start a hobby with an intention of becoming great at it. Also you don't need to be 'naturally talented' to start something. And just because you didn't start something from a young age, doesn't mean you will never get good at it. By the way 19 is still relatively young. If you feel some drive to acting you can start by doing this non-professionally, sign up for some acting classes if you have any in your area, you can also look into voice acting if you're into it maybe? It's more accessible because you can audition for small artists' projects online and build up experience that way.

I wish you luck, just know that you still have time. As long as you're alive. You can always pick up new things. I'm not saying that life is easy but maybe eventually you will find something you enjoy, at least

thank you so much for your advice and insight, its insanely appreciated. i wont lie, i have wondered if i have adhd, especially with other symptoms that ive heard of, but i never fully considered it being something i could actually have. ive been thinking of getting therapy/and or getting diagnosed but i keep putting it off and forgetting about it after awhile until i think i really need therapy again lolol.
i also understand what you mean with doing something without being great at it. unfortunately im a burnt out gifted kid who tends to pick up some things a bit quickly, and when im not great at something im hard on myself. i probably should start going to therapy or something in order to find out where that stems from haha.
again thank you, ur words are so very appreciated. wish u well o/