Help How do I subtlety hint to my significant other that I'll ctb

[whs]

I do love my partner and we spend every chance we have together but when I do, I get the internal feeling that I couldn't possibly deserve a person like them in this life which normally sends me in a derealisation spiral. How do I act and what do I say in a way that hints that I'll ctb but isn't too obvious so that when I do they'll look back and realise. It's specific but I don't want to taint our last times together.

Is it even smart to ctb whilst in a relationship? Should I break up with them before hand? They've not had a nice life either so I'm worried that this'll traumatise them. I don't plan to ctb for a year-ish so I have plenty of time to make a decision. They do know I'm suffering from this but when I told them, they suggested I tell my parents which is a no go which is why this needs to be subtle.

 

[bbveevee]

Hey, I'll offer a my perspective on this since I've been on both sides. Both my partner and I have attempted and are suicidal. When I think about cbt I feel like I deeply deserve it, when I think about him cbt I cannot imagine him doing it :(… so we kind of stayed alive for eachother and it worked out, obviously I can't guarantee that for you but being open about it with eachother really helped since neither of us really judged eachother for having these thoughts or attempting. My bf tried the whole hurting me/breaking up thing before attempting but it was really obvious to me that that was his plan, and in all honesty if he goes I'm going with him. Just try talking to them about it and just ask them to be there for you/listen to you.. Sorry if this isn't the reply you were hoping for but Ive been there and it is just really painful :(