How do I stop the mixed feelings?

[Cauliflour]

Look, I'm never gonna stop self harming: I've been doing it for years, I do it in many different forms (but mostly cutting), there's no way I'll be able to replace that gap because that's not how autism works and I'm addicted to it to the point where I need to make a good number of cuts every few days otherwise I'll quickly become depressed with no motivation. I literally can't function without it anymore and yet I have very conflicting feelings about it all. There's the feelings of pleasure, control, feeling, but then there's also this vague, indescribable fog of survival instinct that keeps fucking with me and has been doing so for years now. I've managed to tone it down over the years but it's still there, watching. The more I keep doing this, the more extreme both sides get, and this is hard to manage as I have alixithmya so feeling strong emotions in the first place is already quite strange to me. The good side is still fine, that's been working for years, but this foggy motherfucker keeps trying to drag me down into depression. I have to keep track of when I last cut to make sure my brain doesn't intentionally try to forget so I end up 2 weeks down the line, rotting in bed, wondering what the fuck happened. Why would I consider going clean when that option just makes me miserable for months on end? Believe me, I tried. It wasn't intentional: it was some weird side effect of my suicide attempt but I got up to like 115 days or something but my brain just couldn't function properly by then. It was either that or a mental hospital, take your pick. It makes it impossible to talk about with others or research because my motivations aren't the kind that show up on those websites and are frankly quite hard to explain without sounding like some edgy fanfic.

One day I'll stomp it out and I can fully live my life in pure delusion, but for now it's here to judge me. Any tips on how to speed this process up so I can stop fighting with my own brain as much?

...At least it makes for some cool music inspiration.

 

[overlyforgetfuldove]

This may sound like stupid advice, and I apologize if it's unhelpful, but have you tried less harmful methods of self-harm? I have issues with self-harming as a stimulatory behavior, and (as dumb as this may sound) I find that mimicking the motions of cutting myself with a toy knife / something not dull enough to cut skin is helpful for me. I'm also autistic, and the routine thing is very relatable to me. I know some people also use rubber bands to replicate the sting, or hit themselves as there's a limit to how badly the human body will let it hurt itself. I wish you luck regardless in beating this awful habit. Lots of love to you, stranger!