How do I stop chickening out?

[heshadenough]

Hello everyone,

After much though I think I'm going to forego the gunshot method since there's other people involved in the buying process that can stop or delay it, even though the act itself would be done in solitude.

That said, I've managed to make a slipknot of sorts with a laptop charging cable. I've set it up on a hook on the interior of my bedroom door, and a couple of tests have shown that it has tightened around my neck as it should.

The problem right now seems to be that I can't bring myself to fully do it. Whenever I kneel down and feel it tighten I back out for whatever reason. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment suicidal impulse but rather a conclusion I've arrived to after much thought. So why can't I just... do it? I'm thinking it's the fact that it's not instantaneous and I'm not exactly sure how long it'll take for me to black out and eventually die.

 

[endboss]

I have the same problem. How is this supposed to work when both my mind and body say fuck no?

 

[heshadenough]

I'm trying to "hype" myself up, in a way, by thinking of the future that I don't want to be forced to live in. I have to keep thinking about how little there is for me to look forward to. It sounds cliche but you kind of have to just do it, just force yourself through anyway. This was never going to be easy.

 

[endboss]

I think I should arrange things in a way that I can ctb in the morning, thats when I hate my life the most.

 

[CatLvr]

Man, I wish I knew the answer to that, also. The number of times I have sat on the sofa with my gun in my lap but just could not bring myself to pick it up and pull the trigger is embarrassing.

I have never thought about hanging -- maybe because I have completely unfettered access to guns. Also, I don't know what sex you identify but I have read studies (I'm a fucking bookworm dork too) that women tend to choose methods that will not leave a mess for someone to clean up. Maybe that'a why I can't do it with a gun. I know what a mess it will leave. (And I'm only being partially facetious -- I have made serious attempts with booze and pills. You see how far THOSE have gotten me. )

Anyway, I have considered SI and how to minimize it and another person who has since CTB made a comment in a thread that what was helping them was they made a list of all the things they did not want to leave undone -- IIRC there were a couple of trips to visit places they'd always wanted to see, catch up with some old friends, tie up loose ends, etc. basically doing a lot of things that people who die suddenly never get the chance to do -- so that when they could look into the future and truly see nothing they had left undone.

Btw, that idea (the list of things that need doing) is the reason I am still here. I was estranged from my children (for like 20 years) and thought "Well, hell, if I don't try I'll regret it but if I try one more time and they still don't wanna talk to me, well, at least I know I tried." Funny thing about that -- I now have my son in my life and though I still have moments where I feel the pull of the other side I am happier than I have been for most of my adult life. I would be lying if I told you that he was not the only reason I stayed. It would not have been his fault if he had chosen to remain no contact with me -- I was not the best mom on the planet -- mind you. But the fact that he actually needs me keeps me here. If he hadn't needed me then I would have known without a shadow of a doubt my time here was finished. And I would have moved on without any hesitation.

So ... Maybe there are some things you need to do?? And that is why you hesitate?? Even if you don't consciously know what it is, your subconscious is wiser (and much stronger) than a lot of us realize. Your body knows something needs finishing even if you do not consciously know what that is yet.

 

[heshadenough]

I'm a 26 year old man, and believe me there's a lot of things that I want to do, but I have no hope of ever being able to do any of those things, not like this is a future that I want to be alive for anyway. I'm just sparing myself from the slavery and destitution that's coming for us all. Beyond this my problems can't be fixed by therapy (I've tried) and I refuse to do medication. I simply just want to die. I've tried the knot multiple times but I don't pass out in seconds like I'm supposedly supposed to. Maybe it's because of the wire. I really have no reason to stay, nothing to look forward to for my future. I'll never get to do or have any of the things I want and need in life and I'm just done.

I just tried again and I felt my body get tingly and for whatever reason that made me stop. Probably because this is my first time getting to this point.

 

[CatLvr]

I'm a 26 year old man, and believe me there's a lot of things that I want to do, but I have no hope of ever being able to do any of those things, not like this is a future that I want to be alive for anyway. I'm just sparing myself from the slavery and destitution that's coming for us all. Beyond this my problems can't be fixed by therapy (I've tried) and I refuse to do medication. I simply just want to die. I've tried the knot multiple times but I don't pass out in seconds like I'm supposedly supposed to. Maybe it's because of the wire. I really have no reason to stay, nothing to look forward to for my future. I'll never get to do or have any of the things I want and need in life and I'm just done.

I just tried again and I felt my body get tingly and for whatever reason that made me stop. Probably because this is my first time getting to this point.

Yessir. I have grandchildren your age. You know when your time is -- please do not think I was judging you in any kinda way. Just kinda spitballing, ya know??

The things I have read about hanging and the specifics about ... Uhmmmm ... Well, dammit, the things I learned from my LEO husband about how to choke someone out lead me to believe whatever you are using (you said "wire") might be too thin and so it is making the process more uncomfortable before it actually blocks enough blood to your brain to cause unconsciousness. That is the trick, I think -- to pass out so the process of blocking your access to air isn't uncomfortable. But I will be the first one to admit that other than being choked out by him (and me doing the same to him) -- this was an educational situation, not either of us being abusive -- I've not tried hanging.

It is absolutely NOT my place to judge the why or wherefore of you wanting to leave this world. And I apologize if I made it seem that I was judging you.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm not saying this is certain but it could be because you aren't fully ready to die yet, which is completely ok. Don't worry about trying to stop yourself from chickening out. Death should feel natural. And when the right time comes your heart will likely know. God bless.

 

[heshadenough]

Yessir. I have grandchildren your age. You know when your time is -- please do not think I was judging you in any kinda way. Just kinda spitballing, ya know??

The things I have read about hanging and the specifics about ... Uhmmmm ... Well, dammit, the things I learned from my LEO husband about how to choke someone out lead me to believe whatever you are using (you said "wire") might be too thin and so it is making the process more uncomfortable before it actually blocks enough blood to your brain to cause unconsciousness. That is the trick, I think -- to pass out so the process of blocking your access to air isn't uncomfortable. But I will be the first one to admit that other than being choked out by him (and me doing the same to him) -- this was an educational situation, not either of us being abusive -- I've not tried hanging.

It is absolutely NOT my place to judge the why or wherefore of you wanting to leave this world. And I apologize if I made it seem that I was judging you.

It's okay. I don't think you're being judgmental. I think that was what was going to happen. My body gets tingly, I pass out, and then I choke from there. Been trying to replicate the tingly-ness to no success.

I'm not saying this is certain but it could be because you aren't fully ready to die yet, which is completely ok. Don't worry about trying to stop yourself from chickening out. Death should feel natural. And when the right time comes your heart will likely know. God bless.

My heart and mind already know that I want to die. I don't really care about the specific time. There's no urgent need from me, I'm just deciding to do it right now.