Help How do I Speedrun moving on from a crush?

[Dr Iron Arc]

Maybe you can get an escort?

This is illegal. You might as well be suggesting I join a mafia in order to gain friends. I'd have about the same level of success. I don't even think having a regular one night stand would help me get over her either since that's only half of the problem here. I've entertained this idea before but I've come to the conclusion that it will not work as intended for me and is also very likely to make things much much worse.

I also don't even think any woman would want to be with me even if they were paid to do it. The amount of money I'd probably need to make one woman tolerate my presence for one minute would have to be at least $10,000 and I just don't have that kind of money.

 

[Gangrel]

Why do you think it's bad to be with you?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why do you think it's bad to be with you?

Should be obvious to anyone who's read this thread, though I don't blame anyone who hasn't.

Basically they would just wind up being a new target of my obsession. And before anyone tries to chime in "but therapy can help with that". No it can't. I've been studying limerence and it seems like the problem with it is that even if I were to somehow move on and meet someone else and not be obsessed with them, then that person will inherently feel like a much worse choice. When compared to the people who were my obsessions, any new person would either have to be doomed to become another obsession or they would have to forever live with being an inferior choice to the obsessions.

So I guess this thread is moot. It's all hopeless for me here.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Maybe this is bs advice because I still needed time to pass regardless to fully move on but I'll explain it anyways. To move on from past crushes I analyzed which specific attributes attracted me towards them and tried implanting or embodying them in myself to not feel any sort of deprivation. For example, if I was attracted to the attribute 'funny' in someone, it reflected how stressed I was at the time and how my subconscious mind wanted to balance out my life by using that person to include more humor in my own life. To move on, I had to implement whatever thing that attracted me towards them in another way that doesn't involve them, and in this case I watched more light hearted tv shows such as 'friends' or 'community' in my spare time. By filling in the void that made you experience the crush you might be able to move on quicker.

This works very well for me. I've had crushes on girls I went to school/college with, and although I was way too shy to do anything, I think taking on a trait (in a healthy way) is a great way to process that yes, for a time, they meant a lot to you.

In my own life, I joined my high school archery club because I really liked one of the girls in it. I thought she was so cool because she did archery, so I picked it up wanting to spend time with her. Fast forward years, and I still practice archery (just got a new riser today!!) and I think it's wonderful she was able to have a positive effect on me, even if we didn't have a relationship.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

This works very well for me. I've had crushes on girls I went to school/college with, and although I was way too shy to do anything, I think taking on a trait (in a healthy way) is a great way to process that yes, for a time, they meant a lot to you.

In my own life, I joined my high school archery club because I really liked one of the girls in it. I thought she was so cool because she did archery, so I picked it up wanting to spend time with her. Fast forward years, and I still practice archery (just got a new riser today!!) and I think it's wonderful she was able to have a positive effect on me, even if we didn't have a relationship.

I moved a little forward on @wCvML2 's original advice and have started trying to listen to more music that isn't from a video game. I used the vocalist from the Sonic Frontiers boss themes as a bridge and found his band Sleeping With Sirens. Some of the songs did resonate with me but I don't consider myself a total fan. It all feels so alien to me, or maybe I'm the alien for not being comfortable with regular music. Perhaps this is the crux of my attraction to her since she's studying music. Maybe I just wanted someone else's music taste to latch onto like I'm some kind of parasite. I was also maybe aiming for some kind of symbiosis where I can also show someone my music taste and hopefully they'll like it too and I figure that people who study music theory would be more open to that since I see a lot of YouTube videos about musicians reacting to video game osts and they usually love them.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

That would imply that the other types are widely available and interested in me though, which I don't believe they are. The only likes I even received on dating apps from women was with white ones who were KPop fans that assumed I was Korean and then gave up when they realized I wasn't. I started liking one type of woman because this type has been the only type to even show interest in me in the first place even though they eventually backed out. There was even once someone from this very forum who was white and she was the one who initiated with me without even knowing about my preference then it turned out she had a thing for only Asian guys but it didn't work out between us since I don't have a place of my own. We were really compatible besides that according to her.

It sounds like those women were in fact not interested in you at all. They have a fetish for Koreans and were only interested when they thought you were Korean, then lost it as soon as they found out you aren't? That means they weren't interested in you as an individual whatsoever. I agree with @cryone that you seem to be projecting idealistic fantasies onto these women vs what actually happened. Maybe the last one you mentioned might have been different but it still sounds like it was mainly just a race fetish thing. Have you tried the Asian dating apps that were suggested to you yet? It's very hard to believe that only white women ever sent you likes on apps - seems more likely you just didn't swipe back on anyone who wasn't white so you wouldn't have known if other types of women liked you - but either way that won't happen on these other apps. All the likes you get will be from fellow Asians. But it seems you're intentionally avoiding interaction with them in continuing subconscious hopes that white girls will flock to you instead.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Have you tried the Asian dating apps that were suggested to you yet? It's very hard to believe that only white women ever sent you likes on apps - seems more likely you just didn't swipe back on anyone who wasn't white so you wouldn't have known if other types of women liked you - but either way that won't happen on these other apps. All the likes you get will be from fellow Asians. But it seems you're intentionally avoiding interaction with them in continuing subconscious hopes that white girls will flock to you instead.

You are right that I haven't tried because of my stubbornness but I'm also intentionally avoiding interaction on those apps because I still think Asian girls would be more difficult to attract anyway. Being an Asian man myself who isn't a doctor, engineer, or some other extremely wealthy profession might as well have a success rate equivalent to searching in lesbian bars for a potential partner. Even if somehow one did like me, then there would likely be the matter of her parents which I have even less of a chance of impressing. At least with white people their parents tend to be way more chill or understanding and when they aren't, usually they've already been disowned by their stricter parents while Asians in my experience have been forced to stay with them and keep contact. I'm speaking from experience. I've gone to school with almost exclusively Asians my whole life and they never showed any interest in me because I was too poor and stupid for them. At least white women would be less likely to care and that's why one reason why I find that more attractive.

But then again, if an Asian woman did truly show interest in me then maybe I would consider it. My current crush is someone I probably wouldn't have been interested in if you had asked me a year ago. Even though she's white she's still shorter than I thought I liked and she's a brunette instead of blonde. I think I'm able to erode my preferences but only if someone who doesn't match them appears to show interest in me first. In this case I was wrong in my assessment of her feelings but I suppose at least it struck down some preferences of mine. I don't think that would always work though so who knows.

 

[Gangrel]

I feel like you're very uptight on what you like on woman and expect from her, her family, her likings, etc... That's kinda of a recipe for disaster for depressed people looking for relationships. You can't just go into situations with whole scenarios already made up on your mind about how things should/will happen.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

You are right that I haven't tried because of my stubbornness but I'm also intentionally avoiding interaction on those apps because I still think Asian girls would be more difficult to attract anyway. Being an Asian man myself who isn't a doctor, engineer, or some other extremely wealthy profession might as well have a success rate equivalent to searching in lesbian bars for a potential partner. Even if somehow one did like me, then there would likely be the matter of her parents which I have even less of a chance of impressing. At least with white people their parents tend to be way more chill or understanding and when they aren't, usually they've already been disowned by their stricter parents while Asians in my experience have been forced to stay with them and keep contact. I'm speaking from experience. I've gone to school with almost exclusively Asians my whole life and they never showed any interest in me because I was too poor and stupid for them. At least white women would be less likely to care and that's why one reason why I find that more attractive.

Again it feels like you're projecting idealized fantasies onto white people. Many white families would absolutely not be "chill" about their daughter dating a nonwhite man. If not outright disapproving of it, they'll almost certainly make racist and ignorant comments towards the nonwhite individual to make them uncomfortable as possible. Being accepted into the family would be immense task. The internet is full of nonwhite men talking about their struggles with exactly this. Assuming that white women have lower standards than other women is also incredibly offensive and untrue. I'll also go ahead and link this study that shows white women are the least likely group to have a partner of another race, by a huge margin, lowering your chances even more than they already may be due to your life circumstances. Really shooting yourself in the foot with this fixation in every way.

You've created a caricature of white women in your head being Manic Pixie Dream Girls who will accept you and be everything you want, versus the caricature you've created of Asian women being high-maintenance harpies who would judge you. There's nothing healthy or normal about these thoughts. This is such a weird hill to die on and defend so profusely.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Again it feels like you're projecting idealized fantasies onto white people. Many white families would absolutely not be "chill" about their daughter dating a nonwhite man. If not outright disapproving of it, they'll almost certainly make racist and ignorant comments towards the nonwhite individual to make them uncomfortable as possible. Being accepted into the family would be immense task. The internet is full of nonwhite men talking about their struggles with exactly this. Assuming that white women have lower standards than other women is also incredibly offensive and untrue. I'll also go ahead and link this study that shows white women are the least likely group to have a partner of another race, by a huge margin, lowering your chances even more than they already may be due to your life circumstances. Really shooting yourself in the foot with this fixation in every way.

You've created a caricature of white women in your head being Manic Pixie Dream Girls who will accept you and be everything you want, versus the caricature you've created of Asian women being high-maintenance harpies who would judge you. There's nothing healthy or normal about these thoughts. This is such a weird hill to die on and defend so profusely.

I don't really think that study is very useful. I think I'm just weird among Asian men. Most of them are intolerant in a different way where they only prefer Asian women, and even then only the same type of Asian as them. Where I come from, almost every white person I know is either in a relationship with a nonwhite partner or clearly prefers men or women of a different race. The "idealized fantasies" in question come from anecdotes from all my Asian female friends who've had white partners. Three of my aunts also all married white men for the same reason. Why is it suddenly wrong when the genders reverse? I also don't think white people are as ignorant as you say, at least not here in the Silicon Valley where most of them are so far left, they're more likely to make the Asian parents cry.

I admit these preferences aren't very helpful though and I even said I would be willing to change my preference, but only if someone gave me a reason to. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl hope is accurate, because no matter what race the girl is, they would be the only reason life would be worth living to me. I can't really help that my only interest in living is either "find a wife and raise a family" or "die on this hill". I guess that's another way I'm doomed and this was all a mistake. I often believe that having a girlfriend won't save me, but it will give me a reason to even want to save myself. I suppose that's just the same thing which is why I'll never want to save myself at this rate but if it were so easy to just change my mind then I'd have done it by now.

I feel like you're very uptight on what you like on woman and expect from her, her family, her likings, etc... That's kinda of a recipe for disaster for depressed people looking for relationships. You can't just go into situations with whole scenarios already made up on your mind about how things should/will happen.

That's the anxiety at work I guess. I don't see how I'm being uptight about it considering I'm very low class in terms of my cultural tastes and my job. I'm only saying that I'm the one who's likely to be rejected by certain women because in my experience they're the ones who are more likely to be uptight. Not guaranteed, just more likely. I don't do well with low odds though.

 

[astr4]

Three of my aunts also all married white men for the same reason. Why is it suddenly wrong when the genders reverse?

ur aunts are wrong for this too

bro as an asian i hate the internalized racism and its p egregious amongst other women. they make excuses that oh i could never date an asian man, they remind me of a sibling etc etc it's all nonsense.

at the end of the day it all comes from this weird perception that we're more submissive and delicate and obedient somehow as asians. and for women that leads to us getting fetishized and for men it leads to you getting emasculated.

tbh i think even ur conception that no asian woman would ever be attracted to you is flawed and grounded in this same belief in obedient/docile/traditional asians. if you're being honest and descriptive in ur dating app profiles, for example, there are tons of more liberal/westernized asians that yk don't value money and family the way you think. ESPECIALLY the ones that grew up in the west. heck, i'm one of them lol. why are you so hung up on the parents piece? you're dating the girl not her family, right?

anyways i don't have any advice on the rest of the dating stuff but i feel very passionate about the internalized racism stuff. i get where you're coming from. i grew up around it too and it pissed me off. so much "asian men just aren't my type". but i hope other peoples racism hasn't put u off asian women forever bc i think ur doing urself a disservice there too, eliminating people with similar backgrounds to you from your dating pool, yk?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

ur aunts are wrong for this too

bro as an asian i hate the internalized racism and its p egregious amongst other women. they make excuses that oh i could never date an asian man, they remind me of a sibling etc etc it's all nonsense.

at the end of the day it all comes from this weird perception that we're more submissive and delicate and obedient somehow as asians. and for women that leads to us getting fetishized and for men it leads to you getting emasculated.

tbh i think even ur conception that no asian woman would ever be attracted to you is flawed and grounded in this same belief in obedient/docile/traditional asians. if you're being honest and descriptive in ur dating app profiles, for example, there are tons of more liberal/westernized asians that yk don't value money and family the way you think. ESPECIALLY the ones that grew up in the west. heck, i'm one of them lol. why are you so hung up on the parents piece? you're dating the girl not her family, right?

anyways i don't have any advice on the rest of the dating stuff but i feel very passionate about the internalized racism stuff. i get where you're coming from. i grew up around it too and it pissed me off. so much "asian men just aren't my type". but i hope other peoples racism hasn't put u off asian women forever bc i think ur doing urself a disservice there too, eliminating people with similar backgrounds to you from your dating pool, yk?

Isn't it more likely that westernized Asian women would rather not have an Asian male partner? That's also been what I've seen at least. I know that's just another unhelpful generalization but like with all of them, they add up and still loom over me.

Other people being racist towards me is not what got me to turn away from Asian women. In fact, I went through most of my early life being surrounded by other Asians. The most anti-Asian things I ever heard came mostly from Indian people but I don't hold that against them especially since I consider them a part of Asia too. The main reason for shifting preferences was my first crush who I was friends with in 5th grade that I never got over until I was in my 2nd year of college and even now I still might have some lingering deep buried feelings for her. I don't feel like I hate myself for being Asian. I can hate myself for plenty of things but being Asian, Chinese, or Taiwanese is not among any of those things. I'm actually quite thankful that I even have a cultural background at all.

I probably do have some level of internalized racism that comes from growing up watching lots of western media but even if I do then that's not something that disappears overnight. For me, something like that doesn't even disappear with self awareness. I've been sitting on uncomfortable facts like this my whole life and yet I don't do anything about it. It's frustrating for everyone involved, including me.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I don't really think that study is very useful. I think I'm just weird among Asian men. Most of them are intolerant in a different way where they only prefer Asian women, and even then only the same type of Asian as them. Where I come from, almost every white person I know is either in a relationship with a nonwhite partner or clearly prefers men or women of a different race. The "idealized fantasies" in question come from anecdotes from all my Asian female friends who've had white partners. Three of my aunts also all married white men for the same reason. Why is it suddenly wrong when the genders reverse? I also don't think white people are as ignorant as you say, at least not here in the Silicon Valley where most of them are so far left, they're more likely to make the Asian parents cry.

I happen to live around the same area and I don't want to be mean, but this is delusional. Yes, there's a lot of white men with Asian women here - mostly for fetish reasons as noted by @astr4 - but the reverse barely exists. The vast majority of white women here have white partners, much more rarely Latino or black, and almost never Asian. And white people here are still very much racist, they just don't say things in front of you because you're not also white. If you could be a fly on the wall in a room full of white people with no nonwhites present, you would be shocked what comes out of their mouths.

I want to ask this in the most neutral possible way: Why do you bump and ask for more people to respond to your posts if you are just going to argue with everyone...? Multiple people have noticed the same kind of things and pointed it out to you, yet you argue back at every one of us. It seems like you don't want advice, you just want to keep doing whatever you feel like and continue the cycle that makes you miserable. What's the point?